PapaNico

So here is the run-down of what has happened with my mom, if anybody has some sort of similar situation and has solutions for dealing with these sorts of things, I am all ears. Let me just preface this past week's details by stating that my mom has had many similar situations in the past, and sadly she got me drunk for the first time when I was a pretty young boy. Prior to last Wednesday, I had been sober for 14 glorious days. I know it's not long, but for me, it was a great start. I had made it through the holiday weekend without too many struggles and was really starting to get some momentum and confidence. So I get a phone call from my mom last week and she sounds pretty tilted. She claims that she was working behind the house clearing out a space to plant all of the flowers I brought to her for Mother's Day, and she stepped on something and injured her ankle. She is pretty out of control; she sounds like she is hyperventilating and she is talking like she is an 8 year old girl (which is often the case when she gets me on the horn after she has been drinking). I ask her if I can call the paramedics for her or if I need to come take her to the ER and she shuns the idea, so I give her the best advice I can... elevate her ankle, ice, ibuprofen, WATER and deep breaths. I offer to bring her to her doc the next day and get her calmed down, then we hang up with each other at around 6 pm. At about 10 that evening, she calls me back and is pretty heavily intoxicated. She is in too much pain to wait til the next day, so I end up driving to her house to take her to the ER. When I get to her house, I find the police and fire departments have shown up and they are trying to get her to go with them to the hospital, which she apparently does not want to do, according to an officer. I get permission to go into her house and offer to take her to the ER so she can avoid the expense, and the FD guys are kind enough to carry her to my car, as she can't walk on the ankle. She won't let me leave until all of the emergency vehicles pull away, so I go into her house to grab her a change of clothes since she was in her night gown. I get in there and there is a glass with a John Daly about half done. (for those of you who don't know, a John Daly is an Arnold Palmer with Vodka) I go to her usual stash spot and find a 1.75 with about 1/4's worth of vodka left. I dump the drink, but I decide to leave the bottle alone, because in the past when I've dumped her booze, she has gotten really angry with me.
So we are finally off to the hospital at around midnight, we get checked in and everybody knows she is drunk, she smells of alcohol and her demeanor changes from one minute to the next. It turns out that she has broken her ankle in 3 places and she is put in a splint and given a prescription for painkillers to get her by until the end of the week when she can get in with the surgeon. I take her home and get her situated, she makes a pointed comment that one of the firefighters must have drank her iced tea, and I tell her I will come by with some groceries the next day.
The next day I do some shopping for her, she is on welfare and her check wouldn't be in until Friday, and call her on my way over. She has a list of things that she "needs' me to do.
1) spend $200 on four cartons of cigarettes
2) pick up another prescription for more pain killers because she can't find a ride to the doctor's office until Monday. (This is my fault, by the way, because I have to work and take care of my 19 month old daughter)
3) go to the pharmacy and drop of the prescription and wait for the painkillers scrip
4) pick up all of her other meds while there, she has quite a few for various mental health issues.
5) pay for it all

As the title of this post states, I am all she has. I know she will not be able to get around to do all of this stuff, so once more, I wimp out and do as she requests. I finally get this stuff all wrapped up and have to hustle out of her house because I am late for work, which angers her because I am not spending enough time caring for her. I end up being late to work and get written up for it.

Chapter II
I call her on Sunday to see how she is getting along, and things have gone from bad to worse. She claims that a guy that she has been having come over to help her with yard work has sexually assaulted her (not the first time she has made these accusations, mind you). She says that he came over to do the yard work and when he saw that she was immobilized by her injury, he took advantage of it. She states that he moved her crutches out of her reach and then made her "do stuff." I am livid, of course, but I remain as calm as I can, and ask the obvious question: "Did you call the police?" She says that she has, but she declined to press charges because she felt like it was her fault. I tell her that it is not her fault and ask her to rethink her decision, but she is adamant that she doesn't want to press charges. She then goes on to tell me that he is supposed to be showing up later that day to do some more yard work, which sounds a bit fishy to me, but I tell her to call the police if he does and get his butt arrested. Here is what I speculate happened: I'll bet the farm that she drank the rest of the bottle of vodka I mentioned earlier, didn't have a way to get more, so called this fellow over to pay him to go to the store for her. From there, either this guy did take advantage of her, she got drunk and it was consensual, or it didn't really happen and she is making this story up in an effort to get me to provide her with more than I already have.

I hate to sound calloused, but I've seen this same story before, and the fact that she declined to press charges just doesn't fit the bill. She narrowly escaped a prison term for attempted 2nd degree murder around 4 years ago when she stabbed a guy she was dating, she claimed, after he beat her up and attempted to rape her. The guy never had any charges brought against him after a lengthy police investigation. Every relationship she has had since I can remember has ended on a sour note, and was never her fault. My father left her and took me with him after she sliced his face with a broken beer bottle. She just doesn't play well with others, and I am expected to pick up the pieces. When I try and make a stand for myself and my family, she really lets into me and I suffer brutal tongue lashings and mental abuse.
Now I find myself breaking down and giving up my own quest for sobriety in an effort to escape the madness that is my relationship with my mother for a while. I did really well in May, but as soon as all of this stuff started happening, I just couldn't handle it. I have my own stresses in life without her expecting me to drop everything I've got to do so I can "mend her fences." I finally said enough is enough today and took an antabuse, which I should have done when all of this started to be preventative, but I now face the challenge of alcohol withdrawal all over again. On top of that, my mental anguish over falling into old habits and being on day 1 instead of what would have been 20 really has me down in the dumps. The only saving grace I have right now is the day I've had with my daughter. We filled up her kiddy pool and she found out how to squirt papa with the hose. Her laughing at papa trying to dodge the stream is quite possibly the reason why I haven't had any thoughts of offing myself since this morning. She made it all worth fighting through with that devilish little laugh. God, do I love her.
I apologize for the length of this post, but I needed to vent to someone, anyone who was out there. If you have any ideas on what I should do to overcome these circumstances I would love to hear from you. I gotta go for now, the kiddo just woke up from her nap. Thanks for reading.

PapaNico

Dee74

I'm really sorry for your situation PN.

I've been in codependent relationships before - it's wearing to the point of being impossible.

I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you what I did.
It was either sink with her, or save myself.

I set up boundaries.
I made it clear that she was responsible for her own actions and she would have to clean up her own mess.

I stuck to my guns.

There were tears, there was manipulation, there were dreadful episodes...so much so that I had to walk away completely....but it was the right decision for me.

My friend is still much the same, but she didn't die for me leaving her - she just found another patsy.

This woman wasn't my mother.
I appreciate the added layers, but I believe the decision is the same.

It's not an easy one.

Have you thought of posting in our FF forums as well?

No matter what you do, you have to decide not to further harm yourself by drinking PN.

You have a family of your own that wants you, needs you and deserves you to be sober.

D

Mark75

Don't spend 200 dollars on cigs that you could be spending on your daughter... That's the easy one, LOL...

Like Dee said, set some boundaries ... If she is on welfare she probably has a medical card, use that to pay for her meds... She will have to defer to your schedule instead of the other way around... Stuff like that ...

My mom has had her moments, not to the degree you describe, but enough that I pulled back, way back... It wasn't easy but I am glad I did.

Good luck... Stay sober!

Anna

I hope you are able to set some boundaries and find peace in your life.

saphira

I've never dealt with a situation like this that involved a parent, but I am familiar with this type of thing. This is where tough love must come in (sorry to sound so cliche, but it's true.) You aren't helping yourself, your family, or her by doing this. Hang in there!