How do you combat loneliness?
 

I posted this question previously, but would like to throw it out again for your “Suggestions”. I hung out with another guy today who is a newcomer (1 month in aa, 1 month sober) and this question of how to deal with loneliness in sobriety came up. Either stay single and deal with it, or fill that void with a new relationship even though you might not be the person your going to be in the near future due to the changes that come with sobriety.

Just like my new sober friend I too have only 38 days sober, and am feeling very lonely. But just like him, I don’t think I really know what I want, and am not sure if dating right now is such a smart thing.

So what’s the best way to deal with this emotional void, and what do you guys think about dating in early sobriety? All responses are welcomed.

Did the steps with a sponsor, never felt lonely since, in fact i've never enjoyed my own company more and didn't think it was possible before doing the work...before i would be looking for next relationship and forget sitting around by myself for too long...it's not just about stopping drinking...

I was always looking for external relationships to make me feel good, all through my life.

In recovery, I finally discovered that when I did the work I needed to do, I began to like who I was, and I felt ever more comfortable in my own company.

Personally, I think we need to reach that stage first before looking beyond to another person.

I needed time alone with myself, to work out who I was, before I could offer myself to anyone else in any kind of lasting relationship.

I know it's hard when you feel lonely, but there's no rule that says we have to do all this alone.

I think it's important we reach out to others - friendships are important sources of support.

But I'm glad I waited before looking for something more than friendship and I think my partner is too.

D

I was kind of messed up at the time I met my husband. This is before I started drinking but I was dealing with serious depression and anxiety. That summer I told myself that I was going to work on myself before I got into a relationship. I didn't listen to my own advice and ended up getting together with my now-husband. I am very thankful to be married to him as he is a great man, but I think a lot of my issues, especially my alcoholism could have been avoided if I had taken some time to get to know myself and what I really want. My advice to you would be (as others have said) to get to know yourself. As they say, you should be your own best friend. Take care of yourself...you'll be so much better off and happier beginning a relationship when you have a healthy mind and body!! Good luck!!

I'm not onedof those people that thrive on alone time...in fact I adore the chaos of being in a big group of people. I was single when I got sober and I am single now at 11 months and I am just stating to get back into the dating pool.

I am really glad that I did not get into a relationship when newly sober. I drank to combat loneliness (in part) and getting into a relationship would have meant I didn't deal with stuff. Instead I spent the past year working on myself and am a better person for it.

To combat the loneliness I rediscovered hobbies, redecorated, worked out and spent an insane amount of time here.

I still don't enjoy being alone but I like my own company and being alone is no longer the catastrophe it seemed when I drank.

I'm a loner by nature. I think that helped me to be a very good alcoholic. Loneliness and/or boredom can be very good excuses to drink.

Now, I'm still a loner, but I really enjoy it. Like others have said, I've done enough work on myself to know I'm okay. I'm not that bad. :)

Good luck to you! Stick close to SR.

My answer to that question is always Volunteer Work.

Take a look around your community and find something that suits you. You'll meet lots of sober people and you will feel good about giving back.

Lots of helpful insight already.......

When we get sober, we're facing ourselves and all our emotions, maybe for the first time ever, where our usual response would be to run away or look for a replacement fix.

Learning how to be happy inside takes time and we need to figure out how to do that without depending on something outside ourselves. Your feelings are there for a reason. What are they telling you? What is lacking in your life?

Look at this time of early sobriety like you're in training to be the best you can be. I don't think you'll regret it and it will pay off in all your relationships in the future.

Maybe really try to just be friends and hang out? You two don't necessarilly have to "date". Just try to make this clear to him so he doesn't get the wrong impression :)

Hi Dune-

Dating is just another part of life that I had to totally change my outlook on.

Before working all 12 steps of AA, all my relationships were in shambles.

It was time for me to let go of some old ideas in all aspects of my life and time to get working on "fixing" myself. Dragging someone else into my mess was irresponsible and selfish.

Fast foreword to now, after working all 12 steps and putting a lot of work into my sobriety, and I can start to think about dating again.

Kjell~

Hey, I live in a house full of people and still feel lonely and emotionally void at times. Truth be told, I envy those who are single and entering sobriety because they can really focus on individual issues. Grass is always greener on the other side type of thinking... Then there are other times when I'm having such an amazing time with my hubby and kids that I feel like I'm walking on air and will never have to experience another negative emotion ever. Not to be snarky but I think what I'm describing is called life.

It seems my state of mind determines if I feel lonely or not. If I'm down or upset about something then those feelings of being "not part of" come flooding in, closely followed by loneliness. When I'm feeling good about myself, I have a great time whether alone or with others. The more I delve into my recovery the more I'm realizing my codependent nature and my fragile sense of self and how I allow my mood or day to be ruined when someone else says or does something I don't like or when I start comparing myself to someone I think is better off.

I, too, think you should work on getting to know yourself prior to embarking on a relationship as that will bring with it a whole 'nother set of confusing and stressful emotions.

I didn't mean to make my response all about me and I hope there is something to be gained out of it. Best of luck and take care :grouphug:

So you are looking at a relationship with the opposite sex to see what you can get out of it rather than what you can bring to it?

See, today God decides who is in my life and who is not. When dealing with relationships I have to look at what am I bringing and what is the other bringing. Kinda doesn't work if neither person is bringing a "whole" person.

Thanks everyone for your input. A lot of good advise, and prespectives that I didn't really think about before.

For whf its worth...the last thing I wanted to hear at 1 month was not to get into a relationship In early recovery :)

Being lonely was weird at first, then I just sort of started to enjoy being by myself again after day 60 or so.

3 1/2 years sober and still feel lonely.