ajangel

Before work yesterday, my 'boyfriend' really ticked me off by calling me a name that was undeserving. I left for working thinking I wanted to stop at the liquor store and buy a pint and drink it when I got home. I have had small cravings before but I quickly dismissed them. This urge was a bit stronger. I made myself remember the paramedics walking me down 3 flights of stairs, one on each arm. My body trembling so bad I could barely walk. My heart racing at 145 beats per minute. Calling my ex while I was on the stretcher in the back of the ambulance to tell him that I was going to the hospital and that if something were to happen to me, to tell my daughters how much I love them. I prayed to God on my way to work. I thanked him for my continued sobriety. I asked him to get me through one more day. How quickly we forget the bad times. I wish I had a picture of how bad and terrified I looked when they took me down. Maybe the visual would resonate in my mind. Reminding me of what I was then and what I can be now. I came home last night and read the posts here. Thank you all for pouring your hearts out. I am not alone and neither are you. Friends without faces. God bless you all.

EmeraldRose

Well, that wasn't very nice of him. I hope he offered you an apology.

It is very soon that we forget the feelings we had while our bodies are intoxicated by alcohol. I wish they could take a drunk mug shot. That might keep us all sober!
I'm glad you resisted the urge to drink. I know you know that it wouldn't have done anything but made you even more miserable. And not remove pain of hurt words.
Glad you came here and read -it always helps!
Wishing you peace and strength.

MIBluebird

lpnangel :ghug3 for not giving in when you were beaten down by someone's cruel words. I experienced that my whole life and picking up that drink would start that downward spiral of despising ourselves all over again. You are breaking out of that and it's going to keep getting better and better.

1undone

Just goes to show how fragile we all are. And why we can't have people in our lives that hurt us without caution. I feel for you and YOU are important to so many people. Don't let words make you pick up. Keep coming here when you get the urge.

ajangel

A person that is "always right" never offers an apology. I am now realizing I am a lot stronger than that though.

coffeenut

Good for you. You know, each one of these experiences makes us stronger. You did Great!

CarolD

Hmmm
the oddest thing happened to me in early sobreity.....the man I thought was so attractive ..interesting and fun.......was no longer .....
Our lifestyles and goals no longer compatable.

Jim survived the break up...and I grew and thrived.

all my best as youu continue to move forward into a better future

erikm02

Great work not getting the pint, a lot of us guys can be jerks at times...

ajangel

Women can too. I am not in the hewoman man haters club. I continued to allow this behavior from people. Therefore, I am as much to blame.

citylights

lpnangel: I am going through a similar situation with my "boyfriend" who says unbelievably insensitive things to me while I am trying to get sober. A friend of mine said that talking to him is as toxic as picking up a drink, and if I let it affect me, I will pick up a drink. And I have a feeling that as I get more and more clear headed, this "boyfriend" will no longer be attractive to me, just like Carol said.

Congratulations on not letting these powerful emotions pull you backwards--we are all stronger than we think, and I commend you on keeping on your path to recovery.

dbskid

lpnangel......that is a mighty powerful post....thank you.......I keep a journal on my computer detailing my experience in getting and remaining sober....the file is named "My Struggle"....when I feel like a drink I go back and read the entries when I was feeling physically ill, shaking, and heart racing with chest pains not knowing if I was going to live or die........and it helps me remember and eases the craving for the poison....thank you for your post....!!!

ajangel

I have the same feeling. That word "toxic" sums up this 5 year relationship. My self esteem is starting to creep back to what it was post drinking, post "boyfriend".