Need opinion about a "friend" - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information >
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read





Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 06-06-2011, 05:03 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 69

Need opinion about a "friend"


I have been sober about 5 months. I have a friend that i confided in and told her about my alcoholism and the terrible things that happened to me when I was drinking and that I never wanted to go down that path again.
Every single evening she texts me telling me how she is relaxing with a glass of wine. And this past Saturday we went out for the day and she picked up a couple of bottle of wine. When we got to her house she said to me "Do you want some wine, I won't tell anyone". Something took over me, I had a rush of adrenaline and my anxiety was so intense. It was the weirdest feeling I ever had. That night I gave in and drank a bottle of wine.

I know it is ultimately my decision not to drink but I feel if she was a friend and knew the problems with alcohol I had why would she tempt me and tell me every evening that shes' having a glass of wine, I would love to have a glass of wine every evening. I am really hurt and angry at her. Am I blowing this out of proportion?

thank you for reading

Theresa
gr8t2bme is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to gr8t2bme For This Useful Post:
RebelAngel (06-09-2011), SwanSong (06-09-2011)
Old 06-06-2011, 05:10 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
TheTinMan's Avatar
 

Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Roxboro, NC
Posts: 542
Theresa, I don't think you are blowing this out of proportion. Was this a friend you drank with before?

I am willing to drop friends that would even jokingly offer me a drink.
__________________
Lord make me believe so deep in my heart that I am an alcoholic that I will want what other recovering alcoholics have.~anonymous
TheTinMan is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to TheTinMan For This Useful Post:
60andbeyond (06-07-2011), SwanSong (06-09-2011)
Old 06-06-2011, 05:15 PM   #3 (permalink)
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
No, you're not blowing it out of proportion. OTOH, you are the one with the drinking problem, not her. She was insensitive (to put it mildly), but she didn't make you drink. You must realize that.

People who are not alcoholics (or people who are problem drinkers that feel threatened by someone else's recovery) don't "get it" why we can't drink. She either wasn't taking you seriously or she was deliberately out to sabotage you.

I think I would avoid this "friend" now that you are committed, again, to getting sober.

Do you have any outside support? I found going to AA provided a great network of sober friends. AA is much, much more than fellowship, but the social aspects are very helpful when you are newly sober.
__________________
Lexie
~ one breath at a time
Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
LexieCat is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
60andbeyond (06-07-2011), Ainslie (06-07-2011), indakut (06-06-2011), SwanSong (06-09-2011)
Old 06-06-2011, 05:15 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 471
You are definitely NOT blowing that out of proportion. No truly good friend who loved you would act that way after you confided in her. You want friends who will support you and help you along this road...not try to sabotage you...
saphira is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to saphira For This Useful Post:
60andbeyond (06-07-2011), SwanSong (06-09-2011)
Old 06-06-2011, 05:16 PM   #5 (permalink)
Just livin' the dream
 
suki44883's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Somewhere Out There
Posts: 25,650
While it's true that most people who are not alcoholics just don't "get it," the fact that you explained all the horrible parts of your past that involved drinking should have been a clue to her that you do not want to drink. She offered you wine anyway, and the "I won't tell anyone" makes it that much worse. Depending on how close you two really are, maybe you need to explain to her exactly what happened that night and how wrong it was of her to tempt you like that. True, the decision to drink was yours and you own that part, but she also owns her part. If she accepts what you say and never again offers you a drink or talks about drinking, then perhaps the friendship can be salvaged. If she doesn't handle it well, then, you're probably better off without that in your life. Sucks, I know, but it is what it is.
__________________
"So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key."
- The Eagles

"We call them dumb animals, and so they are, for they cannot tell us how they feel, but they do not suffer less because they have no words."
- Anna Sewell
suki44883 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
60andbeyond (06-07-2011), least (06-06-2011), SwanSong (06-09-2011)
Old 06-06-2011, 05:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 180,538
Blog Entries: 1
I drank again so many times...because I allowed myself to be persuaded to do so.

Whatever your friends story is - whether she just doesn't get it or she misses the 'old' you' or whatever - you're putting your own head in the lions mouth here Theresa....and it's up to you to take it out again.

I agree with Lexie - I'd step back from this relationship, and find myself some sober support

D
__________________
Dee74 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Dee74 For This Useful Post:
Bee2011 (06-09-2011), bostonluv (06-08-2011), concor (06-06-2011), least (06-06-2011), SwanSong (06-09-2011)
Old 06-06-2011, 06:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Reset's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 873
Yeah if real life had an ignore button, I'd put her on it.
Reset is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Reset For This Useful Post:
60andbeyond (06-07-2011), Bee2011 (06-09-2011), least (06-06-2011), RebelAngel (06-09-2011), SwanSong (06-09-2011), Taking5 (06-07-2011)
Old 06-06-2011, 06:41 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Zebra1275's Avatar
 

Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 9,862
She is not as close of a friend as you thought. I would put her in the aquaintance category and keep some distance from her.
Zebra1275 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Zebra1275 For This Useful Post:
indakut (06-06-2011), SwanSong (06-09-2011), Taking5 (06-07-2011)
Old 06-06-2011, 07:26 PM   #9 (permalink)
Forum Leader
 
Opivotal's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 34,821
When I decided to quit drinking I would not put myself in any situation where alcohol was available. I didn't trust myself to refuse. That being said, your "friend" would not have offered you wine if she really understood and listened to your story.

Perhaps she's a little afraid of losing her drinking buddy. IDK sounds like maybe she has an alcohol issue. Telling you about her everyday use etc. I don't know if I could be around this "friend". Not for a while anyway.

I wouldn't have a problem explaining how you feel and I don't think your blowing things out of proportion. The decision is ultimately up to you.



Best Wishes To You!
Opivotal is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Opivotal For This Useful Post:
SwanSong (06-09-2011)
Old 06-06-2011, 07:28 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Latte's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,392
That isn't a friend. You're right, ultimately it is your choice but none of my friends (AA or not) ask me if I want a drink. I don't allow those type of people that close to me any longer.
__________________
I am so thankful for my sobriety

Dios me da la Sernidad
Para acceptar las cosas que no puedo cambiar
La fuerza para cambiar las que si puedo
y la Sabidura para reconocer la diferencia
Latte is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Latte For This Useful Post:
SwanSong (06-09-2011)
Old 06-06-2011, 07:37 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
indakut's Avatar
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 392
Theresa, your so called friend just wants to see and hang out with the 'old you.' She doesn't have the problems that you have with alcohol so she doesn't get it. You should put her in the 'trigger' category and handle her with caution.
__________________
April 1, 2011

WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES, it takes away today’s PEACE...
indakut is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to indakut For This Useful Post:
SwanSong (06-09-2011)
Old 06-06-2011, 07:43 PM   #12 (permalink)
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 52,253
No, you are not over-reacting.

Clearly she is not a friend. It's interesting to me because I really found out quickly who was a friend and who wasn't when I began recovery.

I remember having a feeling like you were talking about. I was about 3 weeks sober and went to a neighborhood party. I didn't drink, but felt anxious and really miserable. I went home and the next day I went out and bought a bottle of wine and drank it.
__________________
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Marianne Williamson
Anna is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Anna For This Useful Post:
LaFemme (06-06-2011), SwanSong (06-09-2011)
Old 06-06-2011, 07:55 PM   #13 (permalink)
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: eastern USA
Posts: 81,142
Blog Entries: 32
Doesn't sound like a very good friend to me.
__________________
I'd rather live in my car with my dogs than live in a castle without them.

Dogs may not be our whole lives, but they make our lives whole.

Don't wait for the Last Judgement. It takes place every day. -Albert Camus

Find the good and praise it. - Alex Haley

least is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to least For This Useful Post:
LaFemme (06-06-2011), SwanSong (06-09-2011)
Old 06-06-2011, 09:00 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Lowcountry
Posts: 2,761
Theresa,
Whatever her thinking was, .....it's not coming from a healthy place.

My oldest buddy came down to visit a couple weeks ago, and it's almost like he must've gotten amnesia. Kind of a drag to hang out for the week-end with someone who's intention is to get buzzed.
Just grateful that's not an option anymore. Well, actually (in my mind) drinking was never an option. More like mandatory.

Anyway, glad you made it back.

(and keep a wary eye on her !?! )
topspin is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to topspin For This Useful Post:
SwanSong (06-09-2011)
Old 06-06-2011, 09:07 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
reggiewayne's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
I think that sometimes our friends don't realize how hard this is for us. I think that is what is so nice living out load here and in AA. People here get it. We understand what kind of slippery slope even taking cold medicine can be. Non-alcoholics simply don't get it.

I have several friends and family members that know I've quit drinking. I will say, if I decided to "have a beer one night" none of them would understand how big a deal it really is for me to drink that beer. To them, it's one beer and move on. To me, it's like enlisting in the army.

Drinking, for me, is a lifestyle. It's not something I do, it's something I become. Non-alcoholics simply don't get it. What I need to do is surround myself with people that either get it, or don't offer me a drink.
__________________
The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker
reggiewayne is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to reggiewayne For This Useful Post:
Bee2011 (06-09-2011), bostonluv (06-08-2011), marie1960 (06-06-2011), Peter G (06-07-2011), RebelAngel (06-09-2011), SwanSong (06-09-2011)
Old 06-06-2011, 10:17 PM   #16 (permalink)
Member
 
LaFemme's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I'm going to put myself in the camp that says she's not a particularly good friend and should be avoided.

Yes you messed up...but the comment "I wont tell anyone" says to me that she deliberately sabotaged you.

Glad you are back.
__________________
Happy, Happy! Joy, Joy! - Ren & Stimpy

There is no room for fear in a grateful heart.
LaFemme is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to LaFemme For This Useful Post:
least (06-06-2011), SwanSong (06-09-2011)
Old 06-06-2011, 10:39 PM   #17 (permalink)
Member
 
Supercrew's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
I will take another angle from my own experience. She is your friend but she doesn't want you to quit drinking for either 2 reasons. one, she feels you will eventually drift away as a friend, or, (and this is my real guess), she has a drinking problem herself, and she doesn't want to quit. Misery loves company. The only people have even tried to get me to drink were people who didn't want to address their own issues with alcohol.

She isn't looking at it like she is hurting you, she feels she is protecting herself.
Supercrew is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Supercrew For This Useful Post:
Antiderivative (06-06-2011), Bee2011 (06-09-2011), SwanSong (06-09-2011), Taking5 (06-07-2011), topspin (06-06-2011)
Old 06-06-2011, 11:06 PM   #18 (permalink)
...is awesome!
 
lizisme's Avatar
 

Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 107
That my friend is not a friend, who does that!? What your 'friend' did was cruel, insensitive, un supportive and very very stupid. Im sorry this person felt they had a right to abuse your trust in them. I would be moving on from them very very quickly. You could possibly change her name in your phone book to 'enabler' so that when she sends you a message you remember what she really means to you.
__________________
When life throws you lemons, for goodness sake don't squeeze them in other people's eyes!
lizisme is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to lizisme For This Useful Post:
Bee2011 (06-09-2011), SoberNVa (06-07-2011), SwanSong (06-09-2011)
Old 06-06-2011, 11:10 PM   #19 (permalink)
Member
 
EmeraldRose's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
I agree with Supercrew. I think by her manipulating you she was hiding her own deficiencies. She probably didn't realize her thought process in asking you to drink. We think differently -especially while recovering. She didn't know how hard it would affect you.
But now you know one of your weakness' and you will need to work on that to be successful and not drink over a situation like this again. There is alot of temptation during recovery -that is the point to overcome them.
Hopefully, you find a better support system. Wishing you peace and strength.
__________________
Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person. ~ Gerard Way

Many things can be preserved in alcohol. DIGNITY is not one of them.
EmeraldRose is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to EmeraldRose For This Useful Post:
SwanSong (06-09-2011)
Old 06-06-2011, 11:26 PM   #20 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 395
Your "friend" (this is different argument in of itself) was wrong to tempt you, but I don't think you should feel hurt and angry at her, unless this situation and proposition came as a surprise to you. However, it doesn't sound surprising that she proposed to drink some wine with you.

After she texted you all week, teasing you about wine, I think the sign posts were pretty clear where this was going to lead. It was going to lead to hanging out one Saturday, getting a couple of bottles of wine, and then putting yourself in a tough and crappy position.

I think you failed to draw a proper boundary for yourself. You realized where this path was leading, but didn't want to look at it. Of course she was going to tempt you even further after texting you all week. You can't be surprised at her behavior and suggestion.
Antiderivative is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Antiderivative For This Useful Post:
DuhDave (06-04-2015), EmeraldRose (06-07-2011), SwanSong (06-09-2011)
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:03 AM.