Need opinion about a "friend"
 

I have been sober about 5 months. I have a friend that i confided in and told her about my alcoholism and the terrible things that happened to me when I was drinking and that I never wanted to go down that path again.
Every single evening she texts me telling me how she is relaxing with a glass of wine. And this past Saturday we went out for the day and she picked up a couple of bottle of wine. When we got to her house she said to me "Do you want some wine, I won't tell anyone". Something took over me, I had a rush of adrenaline and my anxiety was so intense. It was the weirdest feeling I ever had. That night I gave in and drank a bottle of wine.

I know it is ultimately my decision not to drink but I feel if she was a friend and knew the problems with alcohol I had why would she tempt me and tell me every evening that shes' having a glass of wine, I would love to have a glass of wine every evening. I am really hurt and angry at her. Am I blowing this out of proportion?

thank you for reading

Theresa

Theresa, I don't think you are blowing this out of proportion. Was this a friend you drank with before?

I am willing to drop friends that would even jokingly offer me a drink.

No, you're not blowing it out of proportion. OTOH, you are the one with the drinking problem, not her. She was insensitive (to put it mildly), but she didn't make you drink. You must realize that.

People who are not alcoholics (or people who are problem drinkers that feel threatened by someone else's recovery) don't "get it" why we can't drink. She either wasn't taking you seriously or she was deliberately out to sabotage you.

I think I would avoid this "friend" now that you are committed, again, to getting sober.

Do you have any outside support? I found going to AA provided a great network of sober friends. AA is much, much more than fellowship, but the social aspects are very helpful when you are newly sober.

You are definitely NOT blowing that out of proportion. No truly good friend who loved you would act that way after you confided in her. You want friends who will support you and help you along this road...not try to sabotage you...

While it's true that most people who are not alcoholics just don't "get it," the fact that you explained all the horrible parts of your past that involved drinking should have been a clue to her that you do not want to drink. She offered you wine anyway, and the "I won't tell anyone" makes it that much worse. Depending on how close you two really are, maybe you need to explain to her exactly what happened that night and how wrong it was of her to tempt you like that. True, the decision to drink was yours and you own that part, but she also owns her part. If she accepts what you say and never again offers you a drink or talks about drinking, then perhaps the friendship can be salvaged. If she doesn't handle it well, then, you're probably better off without that in your life. Sucks, I know, but it is what it is.

I drank again so many times...because I allowed myself to be persuaded to do so.

Whatever your friends story is - whether she just doesn't get it or she misses the 'old' you' or whatever - you're putting your own head in the lions mouth here Theresa....and it's up to you to take it out again.

I agree with Lexie - I'd step back from this relationship, and find myself some sober support :)

D

Yeah if real life had an ignore button, I'd put her on it.

She is not as close of a friend as you thought. I would put her in the aquaintance category and keep some distance from her.

When I decided to quit drinking I would not put myself in any situation where alcohol was available. I didn't trust myself to refuse. That being said, your "friend" would not have offered you wine if she really understood and listened to your story.

Perhaps she's a little afraid of losing her drinking buddy. IDK sounds like maybe she has an alcohol issue. Telling you about her everyday use etc. I don't know if I could be around this "friend". Not for a while anyway.

I wouldn't have a problem explaining how you feel and I don't think your blowing things out of proportion. The decision is ultimately up to you.


:grouphug:
Best Wishes To You!

That isn't a friend. You're right, ultimately it is your choice but none of my friends (AA or not) ask me if I want a drink. I don't allow those type of people that close to me any longer.

Theresa, your so called friend just wants to see and hang out with the 'old you.' She doesn't have the problems that you have with alcohol so she doesn't get it. You should put her in the 'trigger' category and handle her with caution.

No, you are not over-reacting.

Clearly she is not a friend. It's interesting to me because I really found out quickly who was a friend and who wasn't when I began recovery.

I remember having a feeling like you were talking about. I was about 3 weeks sober and went to a neighborhood party. I didn't drink, but felt anxious and really miserable. I went home and the next day I went out and bought a bottle of wine and drank it.

Doesn't sound like a very good friend to me.:scorebad

Theresa,
Whatever her thinking was, .....it's not coming from a healthy place.

My oldest buddy came down to visit a couple weeks ago, and it's almost like he must've gotten amnesia. Kind of a drag to hang out for the week-end with someone who's intention is to get buzzed.
Just grateful that's not an option anymore. Well, actually (in my mind) drinking was never an option. More like mandatory.

Anyway, glad you made it back.

(and keep a wary eye on her !?! )

I think that sometimes our friends don't realize how hard this is for us. I think that is what is so nice living out load here and in AA. People here get it. We understand what kind of slippery slope even taking cold medicine can be. Non-alcoholics simply don't get it.

I have several friends and family members that know I've quit drinking. I will say, if I decided to "have a beer one night" none of them would understand how big a deal it really is for me to drink that beer. To them, it's one beer and move on. To me, it's like enlisting in the army.

Drinking, for me, is a lifestyle. It's not something I do, it's something I become. Non-alcoholics simply don't get it. What I need to do is surround myself with people that either get it, or don't offer me a drink.

I'm going to put myself in the camp that says she's not a particularly good friend and should be avoided.

Yes you messed up...but the comment "I wont tell anyone" says to me that she deliberately sabotaged you.

Glad you are back.

I will take another angle from my own experience. She is your friend but she doesn't want you to quit drinking for either 2 reasons. one, she feels you will eventually drift away as a friend, or, (and this is my real guess), she has a drinking problem herself, and she doesn't want to quit. Misery loves company. The only people have even tried to get me to drink were people who didn't want to address their own issues with alcohol.

She isn't looking at it like she is hurting you, she feels she is protecting herself.

That my friend is not a friend, who does that!? What your 'friend' did was cruel, insensitive, un supportive and very very stupid. Im sorry this person felt they had a right to abuse your trust in them. I would be moving on from them very very quickly. You could possibly change her name in your phone book to 'enabler' so that when she sends you a message you remember what she really means to you.

I agree with Supercrew. I think by her manipulating you she was hiding her own deficiencies. She probably didn't realize her thought process in asking you to drink. We think differently -especially while recovering. She didn't know how hard it would affect you.
But now you know one of your weakness' and you will need to work on that to be successful and not drink over a situation like this again. There is alot of temptation during recovery -that is the point to overcome them.
Hopefully, you find a better support system. Wishing you peace and strength.

Your "friend" (this is different argument in of itself) was wrong to tempt you, but I don't think you should feel hurt and angry at her, unless this situation and proposition came as a surprise to you. However, it doesn't sound surprising that she proposed to drink some wine with you.

After she texted you all week, teasing you about wine, I think the sign posts were pretty clear where this was going to lead. It was going to lead to hanging out one Saturday, getting a couple of bottles of wine, and then putting yourself in a tough and crappy position.

I think you failed to draw a proper boundary for yourself. You realized where this path was leading, but didn't want to look at it. Of course she was going to tempt you even further after texting you all week. You can't be surprised at her behavior and suggestion.