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Need opinion about a "friend"

Old 06-07-2011, 02:52 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Thank you to everyone for your advice and support. What bothers me the most is me trusting her enough to tell her what I went through during my dark days of drinking.
Passing out on my front porch being taken away by the ambulance and hospitalized.
Having the police take me to the hospital because I tried to take my own life.
My daughter finding me passed out on the floor.
Drinking and driving and not remebering it.
Sitting on the side of the road drunk wanting to just lay back when a car was coming to be crushed by the car.
Spending hundreds of dollars at a casino and not remembering because I was so drunk.

I don't trust people much and I thought she was a friend that I could.
We never drank together and I only became friend with her about 8 months ago. What bothers me is her tempting me but the comment she made about not telling anyone really bothers me the most. What did she mean about that.
She then texted me the next morning, "Is your drunk ass up?" I am so hurt and angry.
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Old 06-07-2011, 02:58 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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They don't understand, how can they? To the majority of people a glass of wine is a treat and something that is identified with unwinding, you have a different relationship with alcohol and it makes no sense whatsoever to a normal drinker, in fact they will not believe it could possibly be as bad as you are telling them as, to them, it sounds like you are making it up...go and find a recovery program like AA then when you talk to them they will understand you and you won't feel so mis-understood:-)
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Old 06-07-2011, 03:42 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I've made the choice to remove unhealthy people from my life now that I'm able to clearly see what/who is healthy for me and what I want. For the first time in my life I'm being a little bit "selfish" meaning I'm not trying to please others in social drinking and such. It's amazing how many people find it so bizarre that you don't drink once you stop! I've made a choice to remove or distance myself from certain people and surround myself with new people that fit to my current lifestyle.
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Old 06-07-2011, 06:43 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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She's not a friend.

Do you really want her in your life?

Glad you are here.
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Old 06-07-2011, 06:53 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Im with Lexie on this one.....and if I were there and not on mood stabilizers, id be knocking this 'friend' out.
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Old 06-07-2011, 07:15 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by gr8t2bme View Post
I have been sober about 5 months. I have a friend that i confided in and told her about my alcoholism and the terrible things that happened to me when I was drinking and that I never wanted to go down that path again.
Every single evening she texts me telling me how she is relaxing with a glass of wine. And this past Saturday we went out for the day and she picked up a couple of bottle of wine. When we got to her house she said to me "Do you want some wine, I won't tell anyone". Something took over me, I had a rush of adrenaline and my anxiety was so intense. It was the weirdest feeling I ever had. That night I gave in and drank a bottle of wine.

I know it is ultimately my decision not to drink but I feel if she was a friend and knew the problems with alcohol I had why would she tempt me and tell me every evening that shes' having a glass of wine, I would love to have a glass of wine every evening. I am really hurt and angry at her. Am I blowing this out of proportion?

thank you for reading

Theresa
You are not blowing this out of proportion. she is not being a real friend to you because it appears she is doing everything she can to try and sabotage you. If I were in that situation I would drop this broad like a bad habit
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Old 06-07-2011, 07:16 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by gr8t2bme View Post
Thank you to everyone for your advice and support. What bothers me the most is me trusting her enough to tell her what I went through during my dark days of drinking.
Passing out on my front porch being taken away by the ambulance and hospitalized.
Having the police take me to the hospital because I tried to take my own life.
My daughter finding me passed out on the floor.
Drinking and driving and not remebering it.
Sitting on the side of the road drunk wanting to just lay back when a car was coming to be crushed by the car.
Spending hundreds of dollars at a casino and not remembering because I was so drunk.

I don't trust people much and I thought she was a friend that I could.
We never drank together and I only became friend with her about 8 months ago. What bothers me is her tempting me but the comment she made about not telling anyone really bothers me the most. What did she mean about that.
She then texted me the next morning, "Is your drunk ass up?" I am so hurt and angry.
Trust is a very difficult thing. Even my brother who is NOT a drinker said that he struggles with trusting people in a new situation. He was giving advice to me as I was starting a fresh new job sober.
By offering her information you are setting yourself up. There is a very very limited amount of information people need to know in general. Friends or not. My guess is that you haven't known this person for a long time otherwise she would have been aware of your problem. Sharing too much too fast can lead to disaster if we can't fully trust. That is why the only people I 'talk' to are in AA. People at work, and in general only know the basics...I'm separated, live in town now, have 4 kids, 2 dogs and work at a store. Whatever else they 'think' they know is heresay.
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Old 06-08-2011, 07:39 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by gr8t2bme View Post
I have been sober about 5 months. I have a friend that i confided in and told her about my alcoholism and the terrible things that happened to me when I was drinking and that I never wanted to go down that path again.
Every single evening she texts me telling me how she is relaxing with a glass of wine. And this past Saturday we went out for the day and she picked up a couple of bottle of wine. When we got to her house she said to me "Do you want some wine, I won't tell anyone". Something took over me, I had a rush of adrenaline and my anxiety was so intense. It was the weirdest feeling I ever had. That night I gave in and drank a bottle of wine.

I know it is ultimately my decision not to drink but I feel if she was a friend and knew the problems with alcohol I had why would she tempt me and tell me every evening that shes' having a glass of wine, I would love to have a glass of wine every evening. I am really hurt and angry at her. Am I blowing this out of proportion?

thank you for reading

Theresa
A lot of people feel threatened by those who quit. I had many friends try to get me to slip.

Eventually, I told them in no uncertain terms that I would not be joining them for drinks, and that they could not come over to have drinks.

I told them we could do anything else but that. Interestingly enough, they didn't call too often after that.
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Old 06-08-2011, 07:52 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Wow, what an insensitve cruel friend....or not even a friend if you ask me. Maybe she doesn't get it, but if you want to remain friends, I'd explain and unless she agrees........I think you know what to do.

Good Luck.
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Old 06-08-2011, 08:35 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by gr8t2bme View Post
I am really hurt and angry at her. Am I blowing this out of proportion?
No, you're not. There's no telling what is going on in her head, why she did what she did, but you definitely need to rethink how close you want to associate with her during early sobriety. That much is in your control - and it's enough to avoid that outcome in the future.
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Old 06-08-2011, 09:50 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Your friend is a saboteur; no doubt in my mind.

I agree with others that say she may be treading in the problem drinker zone, and wants to pull you back in.

And if she is not a problem drinker, then I find it pretty disgusting that she rubs some salt into an apparent wound you have; especially after you trusted her with your story and the pain indicated in it.

Early on, I found it easier deal with my pain and shame with my treatment counselor and those in the AA fellowship. They understood.

For those not privy to the recovery process, I focused on conversations that were about the positive things happening in my life and their lives. If there was nothing positive going on in my life (and that was true for me early in sobriety), I shifted the conversation to them. Eventually, I learned to differentiate between those I could hold close to my heart, and those who should be held at arms length. I can do that without having a major blowout with people; which is a far cry from where I have been.

I also learned that if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck - it's a duck. Friends don't hurt you like that - alcoholic or no alcoholic. Trust your instincts on this one.

I changed how and when I met up with friends who were still drinking as I tried to get sober. I'd meet for breakfast, or catch up with them on a weeknight instead of at the bar. The friends worth keeping are still my friends today; the ones that weren't are long gone and have been replaced with friends that are compatible to me and my new lifestyle.

If the bottles came out while I was in early sobriety, it was time to leave the premises. I'd offer my excuse, thank them for the company and be on my way. And I did that no matter how hard they tried to convince me to stay. The ones that tried to convince me to stay are the ones I've lost contact with a long, long time ago.
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Old 06-08-2011, 11:19 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Like Anna and others have said, when I decided to quit drinking I discarded the rest of the people with whom my only real association was drinking or partying with. I read that you only became friends with her about 8 months ago which may or may not be after you got sober. If it was, then I would highly encourage you to think about making new friends in sobriety with people who constantly text you or talk to you about anything alcohol related. In fact, remove constantly from that last sentence. We don't need to be teased? about alcohol- and as reggiewayne so eloquently put it 'having a glass of wine for me is like enlisting in the army'. So true.

For most of us to build a safe lifestyle sober we have to be rid of all those 'friends' that are all about their drinking and move on. At least, I did. And it appears I am not alone. My friends now are either in AA, sober and not in AA, or non-partiers (those who would both not even notice if I didn't drink nor even ask me to have one cause it doesn't mean anything to them).

Lastly, it is understandable that you feel hurt and have some resentment towards this person - the next day you awoke and realized you gave up your sobriety whereas she woke up and probably thought she was being 'cute' by sending you that text. Adding it all up and I'd say since you've made it back to recovery you have a valuable learning experience to use from now going forward. Hopefully another member of SR may have been saved from a similar experience if they are new and reading this so thanks for posting and I'm happy you're back with us.
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Old 06-09-2011, 12:43 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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That's insane. The texting is very over the top and blatantly obvious. She is bating you. There can be only two reasons for this: either she is a crazy messed up drunk, or she's a sociopath. I have found that drunks love a fellow drunk buddy to drink with, makes them feel more normal. I have also found that sick messed up people like to toy with people they view as weak. Makes them feel superior. Either way, as you are trying to hold it together, I can only suggest you lose her number and never talk to her or see her again.
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Old 06-09-2011, 01:51 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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I wonder if she has her own issues, to torment you, or keep you down for some reason.

I've heard it said it's us not "people places or things" but some situations are best avoided - at least when we are early in recovery. I assume you had a very powerful 'urge' before you drank?
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Old 06-09-2011, 03:23 AM
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I would stay as far away as possible from this person. I would suggest putting her contact notification alerts on 'silent' so she can't just randomly affect your zen until you are in the right frame of mind to take a look at her negative texts. If she emails you at all, mark her as 'junk' and (on liz's suggestion) rename her 'enabler' or 'junk' or some goofy name that would make you chuckle. If she leaves voicemails, let your mailbox fill up so you don't have to hear her voice. Or just block her from contacting you.
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