"Justified" Relapse? HA!
Grateful to be free
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
"Justified" Relapse? HA!
I've relapsed twice.
Both of them stem from an idea in the back of my head that I could use limited amounts of substances in certain situations, and it would be ok because it would be "justified". I mean, there are situations where most people say "I need a drink/sleeping pill/tranqualizer" and they could have that, in that situation and it would be OK.
I wanted to believe I was one of those people.
No matter how many times I read "one is too many and a thousand is never enough" I somehow thought that it didn't apply to me, at least not in special circumstances. I found out how wrong I was.
When stress interuppted my sleep, and I was feeling "crazy" I assured myself it was better to use something to calm me down than to endure another sleepless night and the horrible day that would follow. Instead of finding a healthy way to address the panic, I used. And as always, it didn't fix anything. Instead I lost the next month of my life in self induced misery.
A month ago I found myself again, justifying using 'just a little' to deal with panic, stress and sleeplessness. "Just enough to help me sleep" turned into EMS having to kick down the door and me screaming on the hour long ride to the hospital.
For me there is no "justified" using. Because for me one is too many and a thousand is never enough.
My last relapse was one month ago. And the reality is dawning on me, I REALLY, TRULY am an addict. And all the truths about addicts and addiction apply to me. And I probably don't have another relapse in me, seeing as how quickly and how close I came to killing myself one month ago.
While I was in the hospital, my boyfriend went through my apartment and cleaned out all my pills. The next week, when I was at his place and he was showering I rifled through his things hoping to find them. If that is NOT insanity, I don't know what is.
No matter how difficult some days are in Sobriety, then are not as hopeless as days spent using. And Sobriety is NEVER the cause of difficult days, using so often is. And it's better to go to work messed up from lack of sleep then to not show up because I am in the hospital or dead.
End note: I am no making any judegement call on the use of appropriate medication used to control pain or medical conditions. I am talking about self prescribed "fixes" only. If and when I am faced with a medical situation, I will work with my dr's and sponsor to determine the best course of action for me.
Both of them stem from an idea in the back of my head that I could use limited amounts of substances in certain situations, and it would be ok because it would be "justified". I mean, there are situations where most people say "I need a drink/sleeping pill/tranqualizer" and they could have that, in that situation and it would be OK.
I wanted to believe I was one of those people.
No matter how many times I read "one is too many and a thousand is never enough" I somehow thought that it didn't apply to me, at least not in special circumstances. I found out how wrong I was.
When stress interuppted my sleep, and I was feeling "crazy" I assured myself it was better to use something to calm me down than to endure another sleepless night and the horrible day that would follow. Instead of finding a healthy way to address the panic, I used. And as always, it didn't fix anything. Instead I lost the next month of my life in self induced misery.
A month ago I found myself again, justifying using 'just a little' to deal with panic, stress and sleeplessness. "Just enough to help me sleep" turned into EMS having to kick down the door and me screaming on the hour long ride to the hospital.
For me there is no "justified" using. Because for me one is too many and a thousand is never enough.
My last relapse was one month ago. And the reality is dawning on me, I REALLY, TRULY am an addict. And all the truths about addicts and addiction apply to me. And I probably don't have another relapse in me, seeing as how quickly and how close I came to killing myself one month ago.
While I was in the hospital, my boyfriend went through my apartment and cleaned out all my pills. The next week, when I was at his place and he was showering I rifled through his things hoping to find them. If that is NOT insanity, I don't know what is.
No matter how difficult some days are in Sobriety, then are not as hopeless as days spent using. And Sobriety is NEVER the cause of difficult days, using so often is. And it's better to go to work messed up from lack of sleep then to not show up because I am in the hospital or dead.
End note: I am no making any judegement call on the use of appropriate medication used to control pain or medical conditions. I am talking about self prescribed "fixes" only. If and when I am faced with a medical situation, I will work with my dr's and sponsor to determine the best course of action for me.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
I was an Olympic level justifier too 
The fact is noone in their right mind could ever justify ingesting the things I did when they looked at the inevitable results.
I'm so glad that I realised the way forward for me was abstinence because that, and a little work on myself, bought me to a place where I am in my right mind now - such as it is LOL
thanks for the post threshold
D
The fact is noone in their right mind could ever justify ingesting the things I did when they looked at the inevitable results.
I'm so glad that I realised the way forward for me was abstinence because that, and a little work on myself, bought me to a place where I am in my right mind now - such as it is LOL
thanks for the post threshold
D
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 224
Thanks for sharing Threshold.
I sometimes work nights and that can throw off my whole sleep schedule. I often justified drinking to help me sleep. Never just one drink, mind you. When a friend asked why I didn't use Benadryl, I had no answer.
Congrats on getting sober. Good luck!
I sometimes work nights and that can throw off my whole sleep schedule. I often justified drinking to help me sleep. Never just one drink, mind you. When a friend asked why I didn't use Benadryl, I had no answer.
Congrats on getting sober. Good luck!
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
There are always "reasons" (event though now we find they don't add up!!)
I used to scare myself when I "found" I was engaging in searching/seeking behaviour, and catching myself "acting" without thinking. Thats the insanity
Our "reasoning" got us to where we are.
I used to scare myself when I "found" I was engaging in searching/seeking behaviour, and catching myself "acting" without thinking. Thats the insanity
Our "reasoning" got us to where we are.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I can relate! I found lots of reasons to think I was different than other alcoholics, that I could somehow control my drinking when others couldn't, that since I hadn't had a DUI or relationship problems, I was smart enough not to let things get out of hand. Yeah, right....... my hangovers were dreadful, alcohol dominated my thinking, and I was missing out on half my life. Not very different at all!
I love this:
That is SO spot on!!!
I love this:
Sobriety is NEVER the cause of difficult days, using so often is.
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