Threshold

A month ago I relapsed. OK, so it really started several months ago when I began to let my program sag (had to make time for a new relationship you know) and when I thought I could use just a little to take the edge off things.

A month ago, I overdosed. I nearly died. My actions that night took a toll on my life and relationships, even though I didn't die, I did lose some things dear to me irrevocably, that night.

I used to think that sure, I was an addict, but not like THEY were addicts. I wasn't as much of an addict. HA! An addict is an addict is an addict. And the disease of addiction is progressive and deadly. And there is no such thing as a safe little relapse. In a matter of a couple hours I went from full "clean" to nearly dead after over a year of not abusing substances.

I don't want to be an addict. Do you hear me? I don't want to be an addict!
I don't want to have to spend a couple hours a day on my recovery program. I don't want to have to show up here, and get honest, and read my literature and write my steps. I don't want to have to be vigilant all the time lest my addictive behavior start to creep in again.

But I am an addict. And those things are part of the life of a recovering addict. And I would rather be a recovering addict than the f'd up mess I was a month ago, puking, screaming, suicidal mess. You guys are better company that my own messed up thinking.

Thanks for still being here, again, when I need you.

EmeraldRose

I know whatcha mean...its' hard to face facts that we will never be 'normal'. Whatever that is. I think everyone has a vice that they need to deal with. I know alot of normal people that could really use some counseling or treatment in certain areas of their lives. But I think admitting that we aren't the same, we need to stay on course and need to remind ourselves almost momentarily that we are addicts doesn't make it easier but makes it bearable.
Facing reality instead of hiding in denial is the key to success. I know I have a problem, I know I can't drink and I know I have to remind myself daily and take action daily.
That's my life and I have to live it the best I can to keep my continued sobriety.
Wishing you peace and strength.

bellakeller

My sponsor says our minds are like a dangerous neighborhood - best not go in there by yourself. That's why we are here. So none of us have to go it alone.

I feel your pain. I've been there. And yes, recovery is work, but the alternative is so so much worse.

Hang in there. We're here for you.

Much love.

Dee74

I didn't want to do any of that stuff either - but I did...and not only did things get better but I got better too

welcome back threshold

D

Anna

None of us want to be addicts, but I am happy to spend time on my recovery every day.

1undone

I didn't ask for this that's for sure!

I'm so glad you are still with us and you came back. You are a gentle reminder to me that I can't drink. Each day someone comes here with a story about relapse and it just reminds me of how close to death I am on a day to day basis. I could go into that "bad neighborhood" in my mind too anytime! I have to ask for help. We all do and I wish this weren't the case darn it but it is.

Threshold

Thanks all, for the welcome backs, the encouragement, the fellowship. Here i am, back on again after work for a pre bedtime refresher course. Today at work I was assigned a task that gave me time alone in the back room doing repetitive work. It was an opportunity to do some thinking, and wow...my addict brain kept chattering away and I had to keep gently guiding it back to sober thinking. It was going a mile a minute in this direction and that, getting all worked up over nothing.

When I couldn't gently get it back on course, I sang instead.

I am so glad that I am in a "just for today" program, because right now that is as much as I can handle. The idea of having to face tomorrow is too overwhelming.

four weeks ago tonight I overdosed in an attempt to take my own life. I am sitting here typing this wondering why I am still here, and knowing that the answer to that question is entirely up to me.

mubu

First, I am so sorry about what happened one month ago. You are very brave to share that, and I am sure someone on SR needed to read that post tonight to help them remember why they are on this website.

I know it sounds kind of corny, but you should watch "It's a Wonderful Life," your life has such meaning and purpose, and if you weren't here so many people lives would be affected.

Glad you are back, good luck with your recovery.

instant

Threshold- you are here for a purpose- only you can discover it.

I think being in recovery is not the first preference for everyone here. For me my first preference would be to use without consequences- but alas it is not to be.

Kicking and screaming is part of the deal

So the journey continues

Threshold

Cycling, not on a bike. Allowing some honesty to creep into my thinking,

I've had a string of relationships that left me feeling empty and used. A friend suggested a web site that got me thinking. The website told me how to identify emotionally unavailable partners and when to run in the other direction, it was a start. But until I address me own issues as to why I continue to seek that sort of partner, and why I stay in those relationships I won't be any better off than being a 'dry drunk'

If all I ever do is manage to not go there, be it with substance abuse or emotional abuse, life will be nothing but a daily struggle. The key, to both issues and a whole bunch of others that I find myself cycling through, is to apply my program of growth to all areas of my life.

To move on from putting down the drugs, relationships, food, whatever, to get to a point where I truly understand that those things are not the "fix" I believed them to be. To find the real fix, the behavior and thinking that address the issue, rather than mask the issue.

This morning I searched for, and found, a website that does more than address the issues of my potential partner, and helps me address MY behavior in relationships, and the hole in my soul that causes me to repeat insane behavior.

This website, sober recovery does that. Brings the focus back home, where I actually have some input into the situation. And that other site I found does the same, in the area of relationships.

I learned, from my first round of recovery that easy does it, because, as an addict, my tendency is to try to do it all at once. I want to be different today, to force my growth and understanding to full force in 24 hours. But I know better now, that growth is a process. That recovery deepens as I practice it.

my face is tight in a scowl, my toes are curled in tension. I feel like a race horse, rearing to go, waiting in the starting gate, but knowing that a gentle pace is the one to take, because recovery is not a sprint, and I will quickly run out of energy if I charge into it and run as fast as I can.

I am in a 12 step program, because I have found it can work for me, and right now don't have the energy or inclination to create a program of my own. I am grateful for the recovering addicts that have gone before me and laid out a template for recovery. I am grateful for the people who show up here and participate, sharing their own recovery journey.

Right now I feel very focused on me, like I need to talk and get this out. Still in a panic over my recent suicide attempt, overdose,relapse. I feel selfish that I am not reaching out to other recovering addicts and sharing hope and strength. All I feel like I have to offer right now is a bit of experience.

Putting down the substances was a great start, putting down my program was nearly the end of me.