Shame, fear and a little hope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 22
Shame, fear and a little hope
Hi everyone. This is my first post. I have a bit of a story. Hope you stay with me. I started drinking alcohol regularly in my teens. Looking back I was a bit of a binger then, never knowing when to stop. But over all then it wasn’t a too bad experience and not something I did every day. As I got older and got stressful jobs although well paid, it often led me straight to the pub after work. I then got pregnant and remained sober throughout pregnancy and breastfeeding. I split up with my daughters dad and moved on. A few years later I met a man and we got married. I was starting to drink a little more wine than I should at home before I met him, but then this is when things unravelled for me. He was a very heavy drinker and constantly brought home wine for me and beers for him. Now he didn’t go so far as to pour it down my throat obviously- but as I already said I think I already had a problem developing behind the scenes.
Fast forward 4 years and I was up to two bottles of wine per day, more at weekends. I started the usual theme of becoming less able to function as the years went on. I’d always do the School run and my daughters care, food, clothing, keeping house etc however I was starting to drink earlier and earlier, and it got to a 3pm watershed. I also started vomiting daily and having to go back to bed whilst she was at school. My (now ex) husband was also drinking more and more also. It was so unhealthy. It culminated in a domestic violence incident against both me and my daughter that put us into a women’s shelter last year. When we got out of there I was dry - it was an alcohol free house - we got housed, and guess what I did? I went right back to square one and if anything my drinking and dangerous behaviour worsened and worsened FAST.
I had a shameful incident when I was drinking whilst my daughter was sleeping upstairs. I took a shower, slipped and had a really bad fall. You should see my bruises. I badly injured myself but it scared the crap out of me as if I had hit my head and knocked myself out, my 7 year old would be the one to find me unconscious or worse in the morning. Scared and concerned I started googling the next day about stages of alcoholism etc and I was terrified to learn that my habits had put me at “severe” or “end stage” alcoholism.
I accepted finally that I have a massive problem that needed to be urgently fixed. I either carry on and die, abandoning my only child whom I adore and want so much for, or I simply stop drinking.
So I stopped. I’m only on day 4 and obviously in a kind of medium withdrawal but I feel hopeful I can do this for my little girl. She deserves a much better mother. One who is sober, present and running a ship shape household, and totally committed to HER not when my next glass is coming from. What I found really scared me to death, I’ve been in denial for years but I’ve obviously got a very serious problem. But I have a glimmer of hope for the future. The alcoholism voice is obviously in my head, especially tonight as it’s Friday and my daughter is with her dad and I’m left to my own devices. It would be easy to slip up, but I refuse to. Day 5 tomorrow! Well done if you’ve made it this far. Xx
Fast forward 4 years and I was up to two bottles of wine per day, more at weekends. I started the usual theme of becoming less able to function as the years went on. I’d always do the School run and my daughters care, food, clothing, keeping house etc however I was starting to drink earlier and earlier, and it got to a 3pm watershed. I also started vomiting daily and having to go back to bed whilst she was at school. My (now ex) husband was also drinking more and more also. It was so unhealthy. It culminated in a domestic violence incident against both me and my daughter that put us into a women’s shelter last year. When we got out of there I was dry - it was an alcohol free house - we got housed, and guess what I did? I went right back to square one and if anything my drinking and dangerous behaviour worsened and worsened FAST.
I had a shameful incident when I was drinking whilst my daughter was sleeping upstairs. I took a shower, slipped and had a really bad fall. You should see my bruises. I badly injured myself but it scared the crap out of me as if I had hit my head and knocked myself out, my 7 year old would be the one to find me unconscious or worse in the morning. Scared and concerned I started googling the next day about stages of alcoholism etc and I was terrified to learn that my habits had put me at “severe” or “end stage” alcoholism.
I accepted finally that I have a massive problem that needed to be urgently fixed. I either carry on and die, abandoning my only child whom I adore and want so much for, or I simply stop drinking.
So I stopped. I’m only on day 4 and obviously in a kind of medium withdrawal but I feel hopeful I can do this for my little girl. She deserves a much better mother. One who is sober, present and running a ship shape household, and totally committed to HER not when my next glass is coming from. What I found really scared me to death, I’ve been in denial for years but I’ve obviously got a very serious problem. But I have a glimmer of hope for the future. The alcoholism voice is obviously in my head, especially tonight as it’s Friday and my daughter is with her dad and I’m left to my own devices. It would be easy to slip up, but I refuse to. Day 5 tomorrow! Well done if you’ve made it this far. Xx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Portland maine
Posts: 1,330
Great post. Stopping now is so important for you and your child. I went onto drink for many years while my daughters grew up. Huge injustice to them and my family. Stay on the path. You will feel SO much better and free.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by Awake61 
Great post. Stopping now is so important for you and your child. I went onto drink for many years while my daughters grew up. Huge injustice to them and my family. Stay on the path. You will feel SO much better and free.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 634
Well done on quitting! I have 2 small kids, they deserve the best mum I can be. I'm at 4 months sober now.
Keep going, stick with it, post on here, read lots.
What is done is done. Time to move on & be the best you can be.
Keep going, stick with it, post on here, read lots.
What is done is done. Time to move on & be the best you can be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by JJ991
Well done on quitting! I have 2 small kids, they deserve the best mum I can be. I'm at 4 months sober now.
Keep going, stick with it, post on here, read lots.
What is done is done. Time to move on & be the best you can be.
Keep going, stick with it, post on here, read lots.
What is done is done. Time to move on & be the best you can be.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,246
So glad you made it to SR. You will find lots of support here. Many of us are mothers deeply ashamed of our drinking and wanting more for ourselves and our children. I hope you will stick around and keep posting. The support here helps so much in the first few weeks.
Best wishes.
DS
Best wishes.
DS
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Thank you Freedom.
My drinking history is alot like yours. a little as a teen..then pubs after work .
I understand how tricky this disease can be. I am unable to function for days at a time when I pick up. And darn it just hurts everyone in my family. My boyfriend is a take it or leave it drinker. I have put him through the wringer
any how I wish you support. The first thing is we have to admit we have a problem. You have just done that so YAY for you. Be kind to yourself, pamper yourself. Read inspirational blogs ,posts and books. This could be a new beginning for us both.
My drinking history is alot like yours. a little as a teen..then pubs after work .
I understand how tricky this disease can be. I am unable to function for days at a time when I pick up. And darn it just hurts everyone in my family. My boyfriend is a take it or leave it drinker. I have put him through the wringer
any how I wish you support. The first thing is we have to admit we have a problem. You have just done that so YAY for you. Be kind to yourself, pamper yourself. Read inspirational blogs ,posts and books. This could be a new beginning for us both.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Hi Freedom. Welcome to SR. I am just on day 6 and also feel embarrassed and ashamed about my behaviour towards my family. I have quit for good this time and hope you can join me on this journey. Why not join the thread “January class” and say hello.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,501
Good for you for seeing what you need to do and doing it. Denial is a huge part of alcoholism and it's hard to see past it, but you are doing great! You can be the person and the mom that you want to be.
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