A (sobering) warning...
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Chattanooga, TN
Posts: 4
A (sobering) warning...
A few years ago, I was in AA, I went through outpatient rehab and went into AA as part of the requirements.
I had the "AA baby" (9 months sober). Then, I started listending to the alcoholic brain in my head... it told me that the reason I went into rehab and AA in the first place was out of shame for an accident that could have happened to ANYBODY, drunk or sober. It told me that I had kids and a wife and a job and drunks don't have ANY of those things... so I work hard and deserve a few drinks.
So, I began with a few drinks every other day or so. Within 30 days, I was buying a BIG bottle of rum or vodka every 48 hours... on the weekend, I'd buy that, AND Gin or Margarita stuff.
About 6 months ago, I started having bad stomach cramps in the morning, dry heaves, severe nausea, shakes, etc. I convinced myself I was suffering panic attacks and didn't bother to tell my doctor that I was drinking heavily.
I began to black out. Early on, it was that I'd sit and watch recorded TV shows with my family and the next day, I'd start to watch them again, because I forgot I'd "watched" them. My family would tell me that we'd seen them already and I'd cover by saying "Oh, I thought that was a NEW one".
Then the blackouts graduated to more activity... I'd get up in the morning and my wife would tell me how much fun last night was and I'd have no recollection that we'd "messed around". Again, I would just cover, "that's cuz I love you, babe!" And so on.
A few weeks ago, I blacked out, got up to go to the restroom, fell flat on my face and urinated myself; a proud moment indeed. My wife of 11 years came over to help me up, saw my state and started to yell at me. I attacked her to the point where she had to fight with all of her might to get away.
She called the police and for the first time in my life, I wore handcuffs. I went to jail, I was charged with domestic violence. I am now living in my vehicle because she doesn't trust me to be in the house around the kids.
I am going to AA, addiction counseling, court appearances, etc.
In 11 years, I never laid hands on my wife. We had a fantastic relationship and great kids.
I chose drink above all else, and never once did I think that it would escalate to the level of this kind of violence. I am haunted by the fact that I did this and have no recollection whatsoever. The details I am sharing are the details the police report filled me in on.
Don't **** around until rock bottom has serious consequences.
I am horrified at the thought of what if my 3 year old walked up on me in my black out instead of my wife? He wouldn't have stood a chance and I'd be in prison for the murder of my beloved son...
It's bad enough, the best woman in the world, who loved me no matter what, who made me better, who helped me be a better man was attacked by me and she can no longer trust me.... that's horrible. Beyond horrible, really.
I am 15 days sober today... so I'm far from a guru who has answers, but I can say that the only rock bottom lower than what I've hit, is death or murder.
I'm not going to **** around with alcohol again to find out which one waits for me.
I had the "AA baby" (9 months sober). Then, I started listending to the alcoholic brain in my head... it told me that the reason I went into rehab and AA in the first place was out of shame for an accident that could have happened to ANYBODY, drunk or sober. It told me that I had kids and a wife and a job and drunks don't have ANY of those things... so I work hard and deserve a few drinks.
So, I began with a few drinks every other day or so. Within 30 days, I was buying a BIG bottle of rum or vodka every 48 hours... on the weekend, I'd buy that, AND Gin or Margarita stuff.
About 6 months ago, I started having bad stomach cramps in the morning, dry heaves, severe nausea, shakes, etc. I convinced myself I was suffering panic attacks and didn't bother to tell my doctor that I was drinking heavily.
I began to black out. Early on, it was that I'd sit and watch recorded TV shows with my family and the next day, I'd start to watch them again, because I forgot I'd "watched" them. My family would tell me that we'd seen them already and I'd cover by saying "Oh, I thought that was a NEW one".
Then the blackouts graduated to more activity... I'd get up in the morning and my wife would tell me how much fun last night was and I'd have no recollection that we'd "messed around". Again, I would just cover, "that's cuz I love you, babe!" And so on.
A few weeks ago, I blacked out, got up to go to the restroom, fell flat on my face and urinated myself; a proud moment indeed. My wife of 11 years came over to help me up, saw my state and started to yell at me. I attacked her to the point where she had to fight with all of her might to get away.
She called the police and for the first time in my life, I wore handcuffs. I went to jail, I was charged with domestic violence. I am now living in my vehicle because she doesn't trust me to be in the house around the kids.
I am going to AA, addiction counseling, court appearances, etc.
In 11 years, I never laid hands on my wife. We had a fantastic relationship and great kids.
I chose drink above all else, and never once did I think that it would escalate to the level of this kind of violence. I am haunted by the fact that I did this and have no recollection whatsoever. The details I am sharing are the details the police report filled me in on.
Don't **** around until rock bottom has serious consequences.
I am horrified at the thought of what if my 3 year old walked up on me in my black out instead of my wife? He wouldn't have stood a chance and I'd be in prison for the murder of my beloved son...
It's bad enough, the best woman in the world, who loved me no matter what, who made me better, who helped me be a better man was attacked by me and she can no longer trust me.... that's horrible. Beyond horrible, really.
I am 15 days sober today... so I'm far from a guru who has answers, but I can say that the only rock bottom lower than what I've hit, is death or murder.
I'm not going to **** around with alcohol again to find out which one waits for me.
Encourager In Training
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: KS
Posts: 717
Wiharu - thanks so much for sharing your powerful story, Friend. I wish you well in recovery and am thankful no one suffered serious physical injuries.
Keep posting...let's do this recovery gig together.
Keep posting...let's do this recovery gig together.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi Wiharu-
I too, became a sporadic blackout drinker. I totalled two cars and got two duis in less than a year, and still cannot remember most of what happened on both occasions.
...but those two duis pale in comparison to the guilt, shame, and remorse I felt in those last few years of drinking.
I was pathetic and dangerous.
AA not only saved my life, but it removed the obession to drink AND gave me a design for living I sorely needed, then wanted, and now appreciate.
Your life may seem impossible right now, but trust me when I say it can and will be better if you make working on yourself priority #1.
Keep up the good work and congrats on day 15. Find yourself a sponsor who has had a spiritual experience by working the steps and latch on. He will show you how.
Kjell~
I too, became a sporadic blackout drinker. I totalled two cars and got two duis in less than a year, and still cannot remember most of what happened on both occasions.
...but those two duis pale in comparison to the guilt, shame, and remorse I felt in those last few years of drinking.
I was pathetic and dangerous.
AA not only saved my life, but it removed the obession to drink AND gave me a design for living I sorely needed, then wanted, and now appreciate.
Your life may seem impossible right now, but trust me when I say it can and will be better if you make working on yourself priority #1.
Keep up the good work and congrats on day 15. Find yourself a sponsor who has had a spiritual experience by working the steps and latch on. He will show you how.
Kjell~
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Wow, I'm so glad you shared this very personal story! This is so important for people like me who (IMO) who could have gone much lower with their drinking. I believe I either don't have a bottom or would die. I tried to make a bottom for myself but because I was an isolative drinking in my own home it was pretty hard. Thanks so much for sharing. 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
Wiharu,
But for the grace of God, there go I. (Or any of us who are alcoholic, for that matter.) The good news is that there is a solution. I found it in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and through working the twelve steps.
Susan
But for the grace of God, there go I. (Or any of us who are alcoholic, for that matter.) The good news is that there is a solution. I found it in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and through working the twelve steps.
Susan
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
Thank you for sharing your story. Kjell gave you great advice -- find a sponsor who has what you want (joy in sobriety) who has worked the steps. Don’t wait! Just attending meetings is not the program of AA. You will be amazed.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Glad you are back Wiharu. I too suffered from blackout drinking. That time is just GONE....very scary to think that you are walking around with no spirit..just your body moving having no idea of what zone you are in. Scared the hell out of me anyway. Staying sober..we never ever have to go thru that again. Glad you are back friend!
Positive thoughts to you and your family. Actions speak louder than words..keep moving forward.
Positive thoughts to you and your family. Actions speak louder than words..keep moving forward.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome to the forum and congratulations on your time sober. I hope a lot of people read your story - we always think "it could never happen to us," but every time we pick up a drink, we're rolling the dice.
Hugs and prayers for you and your family....
Hugs and prayers for you and your family....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Welcome wiharu...alcoholism is a progressive disease. Sometimes we catch it in time...sometimes we don't. Hopefully, your newfound sobriety will keep you on the right path and your life will eventually regain the momentum on happiness that you had.
Time and patience. Wishing you peace and strength.
Time and patience. Wishing you peace and strength.
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
Keep Coming Back No matter what. 
:day2 15 day's sober Yippi you can do it just do the next right indicated thing. Stay focused on going to meetings, getting a sponsor and those days will turn into months and so on.Thanks for sharing your very powerful 1st step with us.
Peace & blessings
Last edited by newby1961; 05-31-2011 at 10:00 PM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,474
Thank you for sharing that with us, such a powerful message to all of us, no matter how much time we have.
And welcome. I look forward to your journey, hugs for your struggles right now and best wishes for all you face. You can do this...just keep coming back and letting us know how you are doing.
And welcome. I look forward to your journey, hugs for your struggles right now and best wishes for all you face. You can do this...just keep coming back and letting us know how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 471
Wiharu,
Thank you so much for that story! I, too, drank until I blacked out. I have done many stupid things involving my husband while my young son slept in the next room. Thanks for the reminder that I never know what I might do while drunk. I wish you well in your recovery!
Thank you so much for that story! I, too, drank until I blacked out. I have done many stupid things involving my husband while my young son slept in the next room. Thanks for the reminder that I never know what I might do while drunk. I wish you well in your recovery!
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Thanks for sharing your story. I hope that others will read it and not be like you and me, and feel the need to prove we are different and can "do just a little". I hope others won't have to hit bottom SO hard and so many times before staying on the recovery wagon. I have my own story of falling back into old behavior until a horrifying episode reminded me just how deadly the disease of addiction is.
It kills, first our relationships, happiness, drive, and then our lives.
Sober is the only way, we may feel the pain, but then we break through to the other side, in addiction the pain never goes away.
It kills, first our relationships, happiness, drive, and then our lives.
Sober is the only way, we may feel the pain, but then we break through to the other side, in addiction the pain never goes away.
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