Functioning alcoholism – such a bad thing?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Luton UK
Posts: 58
Functioning alcoholism – such a bad thing?
Dear friends, I am now on Day 37.
The last week or so has been very mixed – I still find social functions the most difficult. As a serious introvert, with a tendency towards depression, alcohol was a way of opening up and enjoying such occasions. Now they are just tedious and boring events and I can’t wait to escape (or avoid) them! I am also acutely aware of just how infantile the behaviour of others can become when they are intoxicated!
My wife is much more the extravert, and enjoys social events. She is a very sensible ‘social’ drinker. My attitude means that we go out very rarely now, which is not good for her needs. I want her to enjoy her life with me.
As a consequence, I have been asking myself: is functional alcoholism such a bad thing? (Sorry if this borders on the heretical, in this company, but I really do need to explore this one, please).
I am a teacher, and manage to keep my work going perfectly adequately. My students get the results they’re hoping for, etc, and my colleagues remain unaware that I drink (honestly true!) My marriage is fine, after 20+ years. My drinking is all done in the evening, and this typically amounts to a bottle of wine, plus occasional top-ups over and above that if I haven’t passed out on the couch first.
I’m just turned 50. Worst case scenario? That I snuff it 10 years earlier than planned!
So what? Who knows what’s around the corner anyway? One of my best school chums died in his late 40s, my cousin in his 50s. A school-boy hero of mine died recently of cancer aged 61. A work colleague is currently undergoing chemo, and he’s approximately the same age as me.
So, I am seriously wondering: what’s the point of sobriety if, despite the nightly love affair with the bottle, I can still deliver on my professional and family responsibilities and have some pleasure in life along the way? None of us is going to live forever! So what’s the bl**dy point?
The last week or so has been very mixed – I still find social functions the most difficult. As a serious introvert, with a tendency towards depression, alcohol was a way of opening up and enjoying such occasions. Now they are just tedious and boring events and I can’t wait to escape (or avoid) them! I am also acutely aware of just how infantile the behaviour of others can become when they are intoxicated!
My wife is much more the extravert, and enjoys social events. She is a very sensible ‘social’ drinker. My attitude means that we go out very rarely now, which is not good for her needs. I want her to enjoy her life with me.
As a consequence, I have been asking myself: is functional alcoholism such a bad thing? (Sorry if this borders on the heretical, in this company, but I really do need to explore this one, please).
I am a teacher, and manage to keep my work going perfectly adequately. My students get the results they’re hoping for, etc, and my colleagues remain unaware that I drink (honestly true!) My marriage is fine, after 20+ years. My drinking is all done in the evening, and this typically amounts to a bottle of wine, plus occasional top-ups over and above that if I haven’t passed out on the couch first.
I’m just turned 50. Worst case scenario? That I snuff it 10 years earlier than planned!
So what? Who knows what’s around the corner anyway? One of my best school chums died in his late 40s, my cousin in his 50s. A school-boy hero of mine died recently of cancer aged 61. A work colleague is currently undergoing chemo, and he’s approximately the same age as me.
So, I am seriously wondering: what’s the point of sobriety if, despite the nightly love affair with the bottle, I can still deliver on my professional and family responsibilities and have some pleasure in life along the way? None of us is going to live forever! So what’s the bl**dy point?
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Assuming your questions are not rhetorical- I am not in a dissimilar social situation. For me it comes down to 'on balance was it worth it- when you consider all the facts?" For me I had been finding it a miserable and limiting existence even though it had it's comforts, and I enjoyed the buzz of the first few.
The problem is we forget and we seemed to be programmed to value short term rewards over long term costs.
As for social situations I have strategies for most - teh worst being the small dinner party with drinkers- there is no where to hide, and they were some fo the times I enjoyed the most (although my wife had to drive- so now I will at this weekends dinner)
I am no expert (day 16)
The problem is we forget and we seemed to be programmed to value short term rewards over long term costs.
As for social situations I have strategies for most - teh worst being the small dinner party with drinkers- there is no where to hide, and they were some fo the times I enjoyed the most (although my wife had to drive- so now I will at this weekends dinner)
I am no expert (day 16)
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
If drinking is causing you no problems in your life, then I wonder why you are here looking for support/answers? Personally I don't think the term 'functional alcoholic' makes any sense, but if you can drink and have no consequences in your life, then what's the problem?
I know I am not as social as I used to be, but I am fine with that. It's far better than drinking so that I can feel better in social settings. Actually, there was a time when I thought something like you are, well, we're all going to die sometime. However, in hindsight, I was very depressed when I said that.
I know I am not as social as I used to be, but I am fine with that. It's far better than drinking so that I can feel better in social settings. Actually, there was a time when I thought something like you are, well, we're all going to die sometime. However, in hindsight, I was very depressed when I said that.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Is it a bottle of wine a day you're drinking? Or a bottle at every social occasion?
I was a MOSTLY functional alcoholic (not always though). The big downside was that my whole life revolved around my drinking. All day I looked forward to drinking that night. Extra bonus points if I could figure a reason to start drinking earlier in the day. The highpoint of every vacation was drinking. Most fights with my husband were (even if unsaid) about my drinking. I had chronic depression from poor sleep caused by my drinking.
It was no way to live.
The other thing that jumps out at me is that you are afraid your wife will be bored with your new non-social life. But she won't be bored watching you passed out on the couch every night after a bottle of wine?
There is a better life to be had.
I was a MOSTLY functional alcoholic (not always though). The big downside was that my whole life revolved around my drinking. All day I looked forward to drinking that night. Extra bonus points if I could figure a reason to start drinking earlier in the day. The highpoint of every vacation was drinking. Most fights with my husband were (even if unsaid) about my drinking. I had chronic depression from poor sleep caused by my drinking.
It was no way to live.
The other thing that jumps out at me is that you are afraid your wife will be bored with your new non-social life. But she won't be bored watching you passed out on the couch every night after a bottle of wine?
There is a better life to be had.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Go back and read your first posts again - the posts that bought you here, ALAJ....and the replies.
Is your 'functional alcoholism' as benign as you're really suggesting it is?
I think you also need to consider that alcoholism is not static. It progresses.
I don't believe any alcoholism is functional, but that period where things don't go too badly wrong too often *is* a phase - and things can and do get worse, and we can and do lose control.
It's true noone knows whats around the corner - I used that argument myself....but there was a deep self loathing and a self destructive recklessness behind that thought.
Life can be impermanent - surely thats all the more reason to live life to the full?
Any life enslaved to something you can't give up is not living life to the full, ALAJ.
Give yourself a chance ALAJ...37 days is a very short time to decide the course of the rest of your life.
We change, we grow, and we adapt to our new life - none of us would still be here in recovery if we lost out on the deal
D
Is your 'functional alcoholism' as benign as you're really suggesting it is?
I think you also need to consider that alcoholism is not static. It progresses.
I don't believe any alcoholism is functional, but that period where things don't go too badly wrong too often *is* a phase - and things can and do get worse, and we can and do lose control.
It's true noone knows whats around the corner - I used that argument myself....but there was a deep self loathing and a self destructive recklessness behind that thought.
Life can be impermanent - surely thats all the more reason to live life to the full?
Any life enslaved to something you can't give up is not living life to the full, ALAJ.
Give yourself a chance ALAJ...37 days is a very short time to decide the course of the rest of your life.
We change, we grow, and we adapt to our new life - none of us would still be here in recovery if we lost out on the deal
D
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 186
I can see where you're coming from, I think it takes time to feel comfortable in certain social situations if you used to rely on alcool in those situations.
Surely we're all going to die, can't argue with that. For me quitting drinking was about my quality of life up till the day I day. My health was badly affected by my drinking, and so was my mental health and my relationships. So I had a clear reason to stop.
If you feel that there are no negative things caused by you're drinking yet, well... that's your call. There might be later on though?
I am in no way an expert on good relationships, but how about you let your wife go and have her fun while you take up some other activity for now? And go with her when you feel ready to be in those drinking situations again? I don't know, just throwing out suggestions.
Surely we're all going to die, can't argue with that. For me quitting drinking was about my quality of life up till the day I day. My health was badly affected by my drinking, and so was my mental health and my relationships. So I had a clear reason to stop.
If you feel that there are no negative things caused by you're drinking yet, well... that's your call. There might be later on though?
I am in no way an expert on good relationships, but how about you let your wife go and have her fun while you take up some other activity for now? And go with her when you feel ready to be in those drinking situations again? I don't know, just throwing out suggestions.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Assuming you are, in fact, alcoholic... (Maybe you are not, my reply is for purpose of discussion...)
Your post screams several things...
Rationalization/Justification...
Denial
and finally...
Untreated alcoholism...
Again, I make those comments from the ASSUMPTION you are alcoholic... But I have to wonder... If you weren't, alcoholic, would you be having such a hard time not drinking?
By the way... I have felt all of the things you are now, so please do not take my comments as criticism... more, just some things to ponder... I know EXACTLY what you are talking about...
I too am in my 50's and I thought I was a "functional" alcoholic... turns out, not so much functional as I thought...
Keep posting!!
Your post screams several things...
Rationalization/Justification...
Denial
and finally...
Untreated alcoholism...
Again, I make those comments from the ASSUMPTION you are alcoholic... But I have to wonder... If you weren't, alcoholic, would you be having such a hard time not drinking?
By the way... I have felt all of the things you are now, so please do not take my comments as criticism... more, just some things to ponder... I know EXACTLY what you are talking about...
I too am in my 50's and I thought I was a "functional" alcoholic... turns out, not so much functional as I thought...
Keep posting!!
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Originally Posted by AllLiesAndJest 
I’m just turned 50. Worst case scenario? That I snuff it 10 years earlier than planned!
Death from liver cancer/ESLD or other things is pretty brutal.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Really, I think if you get more benefits than consequences then there is no point in quitting. If you like it and want to continue, then you are likely to continue no matter what. If however you are just stating this meaning you want to continue without the consequences if there are any (Must be or you would not be here), then you are likely out of luck. For most folks that start suffering consequences from drinking, there isn't likely a way to get things better, but usually things get worse. If you are set on not quitting, then you may want to investigate Moderation Management. I don't recommend it for myself or at all really, but if that is what you want to look at then try it.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Sounds like you are on the verge of drinking and you had a hard holiday weekend? I was like you in my progression, had all the same rationalizations, thoughts, etc. Turns out I was quite depressed and needed medication. Unfortunately I was still drinking while taking said medication so I wasn't getting the benefits from it.
It could be that you have social anxiety and it's not treated so you've fallen into some coping skills that are not so great. I'm not a Doc. but I have no problem giving my unprofessional opinion on this as I've been there!
You may not be ready to stop drinking and that's okay. But eventually this will progress and eventually you may feel the desperation to stop drinking. Whatever the case you are brave to post these thoughts and feelings.
It could be that you have social anxiety and it's not treated so you've fallen into some coping skills that are not so great. I'm not a Doc. but I have no problem giving my unprofessional opinion on this as I've been there!
You may not be ready to stop drinking and that's okay. But eventually this will progress and eventually you may feel the desperation to stop drinking. Whatever the case you are brave to post these thoughts and feelings.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 144
Thanks for your post, ALAJ. It is helpful to me because I've asked myself the same questions!
As someone else said, it's a decision about balance -- weigh the pros and cons both ways. And obviously, it's totally your decision.
I'm like you -- I function! I totally love the feeling of glass of wine #2. It is one of the best feelings in life, for me. But I don't love the feeling of craving more -- "what else can I drink now so he won't notice" -- and I definitely don't love the hangovers. Also, like you I struggle with depression, and alcohol counteracts my anti-depressant meds, which isn't helpful.
I don't know if I will drink again, or when, why, how. Right now I am just preferring the feeling I have without it -- more energy, better sleep, a clearer mind. (I'm having a LOT of stress in my life right now, so it's important.) I'm taking it one day at a time, as they say.
One more thought -- I don't think alcoholism is necessarily a binary thing, like an on/off switch, you are or you aren't. I think it's more like a continuum, with lots of variations. The physical addiction to alcohol may be yes/no, but as I understand it, many people self-identify as alcoholics without the physical addiction. And they say it isn't about quantity either -- so you may or may not consider yourself "alcoholic." (I'm still not sure about that one myself.)
Anyway, I'd suggest talking to your wife (if you haven't), and maybe seeing someone about your depression (if you haven't). See if that changes the equation one way or the other.
:ghug3
As someone else said, it's a decision about balance -- weigh the pros and cons both ways. And obviously, it's totally your decision.
I'm like you -- I function! I totally love the feeling of glass of wine #2. It is one of the best feelings in life, for me. But I don't love the feeling of craving more -- "what else can I drink now so he won't notice" -- and I definitely don't love the hangovers. Also, like you I struggle with depression, and alcohol counteracts my anti-depressant meds, which isn't helpful.
I don't know if I will drink again, or when, why, how. Right now I am just preferring the feeling I have without it -- more energy, better sleep, a clearer mind. (I'm having a LOT of stress in my life right now, so it's important.) I'm taking it one day at a time, as they say.
One more thought -- I don't think alcoholism is necessarily a binary thing, like an on/off switch, you are or you aren't. I think it's more like a continuum, with lots of variations. The physical addiction to alcohol may be yes/no, but as I understand it, many people self-identify as alcoholics without the physical addiction. And they say it isn't about quantity either -- so you may or may not consider yourself "alcoholic." (I'm still not sure about that one myself.)
Anyway, I'd suggest talking to your wife (if you haven't), and maybe seeing someone about your depression (if you haven't). See if that changes the equation one way or the other.
:ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Luton UK
Posts: 58
Functioning alcoholism – such a bad thing?
Wow, such thoughtful and challenging responses: thank you to everyone who has replied. They have all had a little nugget that has caused me to reflect very carefully.
I guess the comment that has resonated most profoundly for me so far is the fact that alcoholism is progressive - and I have seen that in myself.
To the question how often I was drinking - it was a bottle of wine every night plus top-ups on several evenings, not just at social events ... and yes, I did find myself looking forward to the evenings from about 3.00pm, as my students left school for home!
I recognise the trend for me to consume more as the months and years have passed.
I guess the added complication for me at the moment is that I am also trying to wean myself off anti-depressants. And it doesn't help that my wife and I have, between us, lost 5 close relatives in less than 12 months. This heightens the sense of "what's the bl**dy the point?!"
Clearly, I would not be seeking help and advice if I didn't think I was dealing with a serious alcohol problem. I was encourage to re-read my earlier postings. I have done so, and have fully embraced the "A" label.
At this point in time, my challenge would seem to be: remaining resolutely sober for ever & ever, amen...., or accepting that I might live a much shorter span, but what the hell.
(I'm sorry if this post appears a bit self-indulgent. However, these are not rhetorical questions. I am genuinely struggling with this.)
Thanks again to everyone for your tolerance. AL&J
I guess the comment that has resonated most profoundly for me so far is the fact that alcoholism is progressive - and I have seen that in myself.
To the question how often I was drinking - it was a bottle of wine every night plus top-ups on several evenings, not just at social events ... and yes, I did find myself looking forward to the evenings from about 3.00pm, as my students left school for home!
I recognise the trend for me to consume more as the months and years have passed.
I guess the added complication for me at the moment is that I am also trying to wean myself off anti-depressants. And it doesn't help that my wife and I have, between us, lost 5 close relatives in less than 12 months. This heightens the sense of "what's the bl**dy the point?!"
Clearly, I would not be seeking help and advice if I didn't think I was dealing with a serious alcohol problem. I was encourage to re-read my earlier postings. I have done so, and have fully embraced the "A" label.
At this point in time, my challenge would seem to be: remaining resolutely sober for ever & ever, amen...., or accepting that I might live a much shorter span, but what the hell.
(I'm sorry if this post appears a bit self-indulgent. However, these are not rhetorical questions. I am genuinely struggling with this.)
Thanks again to everyone for your tolerance. AL&J
April 18, 2010
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
AllLiesandJest--
I agree with Mark -- if there's no urgent need to get off the medication, wouldn't it be better to wait?
I also know your OP said you are concerned about socializing with your wife because you no longer enjoy socializing around alcohol as much (which I understand completely). Is there a way you could ask her to prioritize those events, and be understanding if you cut down how many you attend? And, could you increase day-time or activity-based socializing activities (which are usually less centered around drinking)? Perhaps some practical solutions like this would help.
I managed to succeed at a demanding job and maintain a perfect GPA in graduate school while drinking. The effects of drinking weren't too evident on my outer life, but they were ravaging my inner life and body. Glad you understand the problem, and I hope you will keep working on feeling comfortable in sobriety. Trust me, you aren't alone; I think many of us go through periods where it is hard work. But it does get easier -- much easier -- as your sober time increases.
I agree with Mark -- if there's no urgent need to get off the medication, wouldn't it be better to wait?
I also know your OP said you are concerned about socializing with your wife because you no longer enjoy socializing around alcohol as much (which I understand completely). Is there a way you could ask her to prioritize those events, and be understanding if you cut down how many you attend? And, could you increase day-time or activity-based socializing activities (which are usually less centered around drinking)? Perhaps some practical solutions like this would help.
I managed to succeed at a demanding job and maintain a perfect GPA in graduate school while drinking. The effects of drinking weren't too evident on my outer life, but they were ravaging my inner life and body. Glad you understand the problem, and I hope you will keep working on feeling comfortable in sobriety. Trust me, you aren't alone; I think many of us go through periods where it is hard work. But it does get easier -- much easier -- as your sober time increases.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Luton UK
Posts: 58
WritingFromLife - thank you for the book recommendation, I will look it up.
Mark75 - I've been on anti-depressants for about 3 years: the weaning process has taken me about 4 months because, based on internet advice, this needs to be done very gradually: so, having got down to zero now, I'm reluctant to start pill-popping again. Besides, I hoped that abstention from alcohol would also help in this respect. But I do understand your logic, and I have to keep telling myself that I am feeling low for complex reasons - not least the recent bereavements plus anti-d withdrawal.
AmericanGirl ('love your avatar, by the way!) - thank you for the practical tips, especially focusing on day-time social events. That's very helpful. I will also cling to your reassurance that abstention gets easier over time.
Your postscript verse made me weep. Pathetic or what?!
Mark75 - I've been on anti-depressants for about 3 years: the weaning process has taken me about 4 months because, based on internet advice, this needs to be done very gradually: so, having got down to zero now, I'm reluctant to start pill-popping again. Besides, I hoped that abstention from alcohol would also help in this respect. But I do understand your logic, and I have to keep telling myself that I am feeling low for complex reasons - not least the recent bereavements plus anti-d withdrawal.
AmericanGirl ('love your avatar, by the way!) - thank you for the practical tips, especially focusing on day-time social events. That's very helpful. I will also cling to your reassurance that abstention gets easier over time.
Your postscript verse made me weep. Pathetic or what?!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I thought i was functioning too...for many years...
but you can slip off that edge very easily and quickly...then you find yourself at the bottom of the well and it is harder to climb out.
i'm going to say that cliche here and tell you to take it one day at a time and don't overthink everything....one social function at a time too.
it took me a while, but i really don't mind being sober at parties.
but you can slip off that edge very easily and quickly...then you find yourself at the bottom of the well and it is harder to climb out.
i'm going to say that cliche here and tell you to take it one day at a time and don't overthink everything....one social function at a time too.
it took me a while, but i really don't mind being sober at parties.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
For several decades...I often quipped....
"I'm busy putting the fun into functioning alcoholic"
Then depression arrived...I could no longer live as a drinker..
Externally...all was well..mentally I was dark and hopeless.
The last 22 years have been a fantastic adventure in living ..I'm so glad I quit.
Glad to see you here again...
.
"I'm busy putting the fun into functioning alcoholic"
Then depression arrived...I could no longer live as a drinker..
Externally...all was well..mentally I was dark and hopeless.
The last 22 years have been a fantastic adventure in living ..I'm so glad I quit.
Glad to see you here again...
.
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