Ranger

ALAJ – For the “high functioning”, continued drinking is character assassination by a thousand cuts. The notion one can spend year after year pursuing and coveting drunkenness above most all else without eroding the basic good nature of one’s innermost soul is alcoholic delusion at its best!

That is to say, I had no clue I was such a selfish douchebag until I quit drinking.

In early sobriety I referred to myself as a formerly “high functioning” alcoholic until I realized I was using the wrong reference. It’s not how my professional and personal accomplishments stack up next to the next guy. Rather, it’s how these accomplishments rate against my innate capabilities and potential.

In my nearly two years of sobriety my marriage is far-and-away better than it has ever been and my salary has increased by nearly a third. Coincidence?

Show me an alcoholic who is doing well at work and making a passable go at home and I’ll show you someone whose innate talents could enable him to be something truly special if unhindered by his addiction.

least

I thought I was functioning well too, but my kids would say different.

woowaa

I don't know if my response really helps you but if I throw it in, you can consider it.

I am in early recovery (15th day today) and have never tried (in earnest and for real) before, in fact, I was probably an expert on giving up "tomorrow".

A lot that you have written in your original post sparks thoughts within my head.

I have had a few good, detailed and slightly crazy conversations with myself in my head about how having a couple of weeks off is great and I can start drinking again and just maintain a "steady" limit.

Truth is though, as I rationalise it, somehow, I end up remembering that I don't seem to be able to control my drinking.

A glass a night turns into two. That turns into a bottle, then two bottles then whatever is in the house to the point my regulator is only buy a maximum of 3 bottles per day, on the way home.

Like you and others, my way of "holidaying" was to drink - justification - "i'm on holiday". Maybe I am worse or maybe nowhere as bad as I believe but I don't feel I can trust myself for the moment and I am not sure I ever will again.

So, while your post initially started me thinking that I was like you and I could be trained to drink sensibly and socially, deep down, I am not sure I can.

Just to be clear, I welcome and thank you for your post - it is great to feel you are not the only one who thinks like that, helps me a lot.

My wife does still drink, in fact I have gone out of my way to make sure she does not change her habits - I am not encouraging her ill habit or health, just don't want her to suffer my disease if you follow. That said, she only has a glass or so of wine and not every night - and she can stop just like that - so annoying :-)

I actually offer her a glass and then pour it for her if she wants it - might seem like a cruel torture but rediculously, I find it curing. The first glass I poured her wound me up for an hour or so, tense, angry etc - it has already done so and will get easier.

One thing I can say - health wise, apart from tiredness (which I believe is normal) - I have never felt better.

Andrew

soberviking

Just my 2 cents I would like to throw in here about functioning alcoholism. Have you ever seen those old homeless guys on the street, usually having an argument with the trash dumpster? Have you ever thought that these guys at one time were successful people who spent 20-30 years being able to keep their act together? And then just one day it all starts to crumble around them fast. Some hit it quicker then others. I remember one of stints in rehab hearing a story of a guy who within one month went from having a nice home, married with children and a great job hit rock bottom and wound up separated, lost his job and his house and living out on the streets.

Of course those are extreme examples. Some people can go their whole life being drinkers and never wind up like that. But you have to ask your self what's the quality of your life when your whole day revolves around what time you can finally cut loose and go drink. It's like being a slave to a bottle. I know I fooled myself into thinking plenty of times that I go to work and get everything done that I have to get done for the day so it was alright to go drink up. But soon enough I went from being a heavy weight drinker to an super heavy weight drinker. It's was a miserable feeling excitanse that I'm still trying to get over.

If you came here something in your head is telling you there's a problem. And this is typically the point where you feel better and the mind starts to romanticize the idea of drinking again.

AllLiesAndJest

I can cerainly see where you're coming from Ranger - many thanks for your contribution. It sounds like you were a relatively young guy with lots to achieve and look forward to when you took yourself in hand. Frankly, my career has topped out now, I've just entered my 50s, and I have no major career or personal aspirations left. My wife and I will be 'empty-nesting' by the early Autumn. Mortgage paid off, etc, etc .... you get the picture. Without wishing to sound like a broken record, "what's the bl**dy point?!"

1undone

The point is you have kids and they need you. You have a wife and she obviously needs you, without you the course of all of their lives change. Why do you think there is no point to this? Just curious.

Ranger

Fifty years old with neither professional nor personal aspirations, eh?

There’s your trouble, Friend.

But you’re not even 40 days dry, my man! You are in the burgeoning stages of learning how to live a meaningful life without your one true love in this world. Fodder for depression indeed!

If crossing over the hump to a happy, joyous, and free life of sobriety was easy to accomplish, this forum would be an awfully boring place to loiter.

So, be easy on yourself.

Please keep posting, keep working recovery, keep working the medical angle, and trust that alcohol was unable to wholly extinguish your passion for life.

Your passion will return to you, but only if actively sought.

P.S. And brilliant effort, Teach, but don’t even think of casting yourself as the introvert who alcoholically martyrs himself for the good of his extroverted wife.

P.P.S. You only have 13 years on me.

AllLiesAndJest

Hi Ranger
Wise words from someone so young!
Thank you - lots for me to reflect on: I appreciate it.
Kind regards
AL&J

Reset

I was a "functioning" alcoholic for more than a decade. The problem is that toward the end I started drinking more and more and even began breaking my rule of "no booze before 5."

But I also put functioning in quotes because I wasn't really functioning all that well. Work was fine, family was ok, but I was miserable and none of the main things in life were ever great. I wanted great, to be happy, to enjoy life.

One thing I will tell you about "functioning" is that recently, I went to a business dinner with an associate who drinks a lot. We used to drink a lot together at business functions. At the most recent dinner she was nearly incoherent. I never knew that she could be like that until I saw it through a sober lens...made me wonder what I had been like.

Boleo

I would not call this heretical at all. I was a functional alcoholic for about 30 years. Some of them were very good years by anyone's standards. The problem was, the longer I "functioned", the harder it was to change.

The question you have to ask yourself (nobody can answer it for you) is this;

How long do I want to rob the future before I have to pay my debt to the past?

Antiderivative

"Is functioning alcoholism such a bad thing?"

Not if your first name is denial, rationalization, or minimization...lol.

instant

ALAJ
On the 'whats the point' issue- I don't know. Alcohol was my previous answer and I have surrendered. what comes next I am yet to find out, I think it is early days. I am encouraged by what I hear from those here with longer term sobriety. I am trying to see it as an adventure and like every adventure we have to give up certainty and tolerate a bit of fear.

I have had periods of sobriety before- nothing to long- I used to get tripped up on the "forever" issue- big time......"I'm not ready to commit to that" etc. I have come to see that I think of nothing else in life this way. I'm a lets wait and see kind of guy. i believe worrying about the forever thing is a manifestation of the long tail of alcohol withdrawal.

Hope you find your way through this

Danae

This really spoke to me! Said more eloquently than i could.

What I will say: until I stopped drinking I didn't see how unhappy and unfuntional I actually was.

Than, after about a month or so I was surprised by a feeling that I think I"d call "joy". Hadn't felt anything like it in years. Moments of spontaneous happiness. That is certainly worth giving up drinking for.

I also used alcohol to help me be more social. Haven't got a perfect answer to that yet, but at least I don't wonder the day after a party if I said something terminally stupid! Now I can remember it all

Stride34

Yeahh, it's pretty bad.

artsoul

Hi ALAJ - How long have you been having these thoughts? Why not go back on the anti-depressants if they were helping? I know you say you don't want to start pill-popping (although I've never had any problems with taking my 1 anti-d per day)......but then you think drinking might be OK.....? Hmmmm.

From what you said, I just don't see this as having anything to do with getting your mortgage paid off, your career, being 50, or your wife. You want to drink. That's nothing unusual around here, of course! But just because you have the desire, doesn't mean you have to act on it.

I used to pride myself on being able to function, too....but that's about all I was able to do. Don't give up yet..... (it took me 3 months before sobriety seemed "normal").

LaFemme

Like many here I was a very high functioning alcoholic. I can't think of a single day that would not have been better sober in my whole entire life.

grateful101010

AllliesandJest: Your original question is certainly intriguing. Why bother? Whatever life you think you're living now, you're not really living it. You're living about 1/2 to 2/3 of your life, and giving away the rest to the fog of alcohol. So even of you die 10 years earlier than you would have otherwise, you're really forfeiting at least double that. 20 years. How moronic is that? (I estimate that I have blown 8 years of my life.)

michelle01

I went past the 'functional' phase before quitting, I now look back at the functional phase and see it more as the time of 'adaptation'. A lot was going on that I couldn't directly see, though I thought I was fine, I didn't get out of control in my behavior when I drank, etc etc. The next phase when I began to lose all that tolerance wasn't so pretty.

I think that people here have said it very well. I'm halfway through my second year now, I'm so glad to be free from the obsession that ruled my life. The years I spent drinking now seem little more than a blur or a fog and I wonder what was the point in doing that?

We can all be different, but at 40 days though I was doing it fairly tough, I think I found my second month the hardest, during the third month I started getting a few 'aha' moments about sobriety. Moments I'd realized I'd forgotten about wanting to drink - nothing short of revelation for an alcoholic.

My earlier attempts to quit didn't get far because I'd stopped drinking but was doing little else, so I was still walking around with the classic mentality of an alcoholic. Are you getting some support?

I know that people can feel bad for bringing this subject up. It doesn't really bug me however, as I can usually identify where the thinking is coming from - straight from the disease itself, and these days I am very grateful to be able to distinguish that from clear thought. I don't want to dismiss you however, because I know a lot of people have these thoughts whether they speak them or not and I can appreciate that you need to sort it through for yourself.

Latte

Maybe I was functional before but now that I'm not drinking I'm loving the life I have and things are amazing. Some days still stink but everything is still better without the booze and pills.

doorinthefloor

One of my biggest issues with drinking - even as a highly functional drinker with a great career, workout regimen, and normal life, etc - was the sense of shame, guilt and embarrassment the next day. After you do a heavy drinking binge, at least for me, I will say stuff or do stuff I wouldn't do in my right mind. I would wake up from the night feeling a bit Jekyll and Hyde or post - Werewolf. Wait, what did I say? Who did I say it to? Wow, I sounded like a goof... My favorite thing about not drinking is feeling like I am one consistent, coherent, reliable persona at all times.