FreeDance

Hi friends --

First, I'm still sober. But it's difficult.

I haven't mentioned here that my daughter is a heroin addict. I go to NarAnon meetings, which is where I decided I really need help for my own alcohol abuse.

She's been in and out of rehabs and jail for five years now-- almost 6. The first major arrest was when she went to college for the first time. Three weeks in, she was caught with heroin and expelled.

She finally got from jail to a residential facility to a transitional program that offers a structured program while allowing addicts to live in apartments together. She'd been there about three months or so, and doing better than I've ever seen. I was so happy.

On Thursday, I got the all-too-familiar call that she'd tampered with urine tests, hadn't been going to work, had been seen with past "friends," and in other ways she wasn't behaving like a person who wants recovery. So they kicked her out.

Next step is a longer-term, more rigorous rehab. That will require her to go to detox first, but there's no detox bed available for 3 weeks. So she's in that limbo -- has to go to detox to get clean, but while waiting she's supposed to stay clean...?? She is at her Dad's (we are divorced -- I'm in a neighboring state) who does not allow any drugs or paraphernalia in the house, and found a syringe and spoon in her backpack, right off the bat. He is ready to call her PO and get her back in jail, or just kick her out.

She apparently lied about going to a meeting this evening. There was emotional uproar there -- just craziness, yelling and screaming including the usually-calm stepmom. (I heard it on the phone.) My daughter insisted she shouldn't have to prove she was at a meeting -- she just clings to lies.

Just when I was afraid somebody was going to physically harm someone else, it seems they've calmed down and have all gone out to dinner. I was here fretting and crying and a bit hysterical myself, and don't know what happened -- but I know it is far from resolved.

So I've had tremendous fear and anxiety and a knot in my stomach, my heart in my throat. I don't know how to unknot it without alcohol. Some years ago, I was prescribed Xanax for occasional insomnia. I had some left although they expired in 2009. I took one Thursday and it did make the ache go away. Another one last night. Then another this evening when all this started.

I've never had a problem with pills of any kind, but I need to find some way -- other than alcohol -- to handle this feeling of panic. I don't know how to calm down.

Just wanted to vent, and share.

Anna

Hi,

I'm sorry for your situation, but I really hope you don't continue to use the xanax. That could so easily lead to more problems. I know it's hard to calm down when you're very upset, but you can get through this.

I hope your daughter gets the help she needs.

nogard

Hey Freedance,

Best to go see the Doc rather than self medicate, thats what we all did out there.

Good you go to meetings. My daughter is 26 and has a similiar dis ease to us and in teh end I have to let go and let her have her own journey. Best that I get on with my own healing and be an example and make myself available, be loving and supportive where I can.

Kevin

suki44883

Sounds like you need to hit a meeting. None of this is your problem.

Dee74

Hi Free Dance

I'm really sorry you're in this situation - I hope you'll hit a meeting - our family and friends forums are awesome too, if you've not been there yet.

Please don't take expired medicine tho - it can be dangerous...as can taking meds that were prescribed for something else.

Benzos can bring their own problems too.

It's way better to see your Dr about your anxiety

D

cabledude

Sorry to hear you're going through this hard time because of your Daughter's addiction. One of my best friends is in the same spot with his beautiful Daughter and during breakfast together recently he laid it out. Very painful in many aspects, not just the usage.

His other Daughter is clean almost 2 years now, which is a load off his mind.

Point is these things can and do change for our kids, and taking care of yourself while you take care of her is the right thing for both of you. She has no strength, but you do.

Good time to get busy and connect with others. Maybe you can't help your kid now, but with what you know you could help someone else's kid.

winegirl

hang in, baby...as someone posted, this isnt your problem and you have no control over it. It's gut wrenching and painful, i know. we never want to watch our babies struggle, especially when we're struggling ourselves.
If the benzos help make the knots in your stomach go away, then use them when you need them. That's why they were prescribed to you. just be careful. you're smart and you're not going to let another addiction rule your life. I know it. (and i don't even know you! but i can tell.) Keep self-searching and worry about your own inventory.
peace, my friend.

newwings

FreeDance, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this issue as well as trying to concentrate on your own recovery. Firstly, you won't be any use to anyone if you are taking the Xanax, particularly if you don't normally take them. Chuck them away!! They are two years out of date, too, so they could make you really ill. You have done SO WELL for the past few weeks, please don't let the stress of this knock what you have already. You can be the calm in the storm, whilst everyone is chaotic, yelling and screaming, because you will be dealing with this sober. Fuzzing your head with booze/pills is going to make it less sharp, yes, but it will also affect your ability to find out what your daughter needs to help her with her own recovery. If you really need those Benzo's, please go to the doc and explain why you need them and at least get some in date...then they will be able to tell you if you REALLY need them, or whether you are possibly replacing one crutch for another. Be careful...

I do wish you and your daughter well. You can't fix her, but don't let this take you down. xx