Day One Again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
Day One Again.
I had a three-day binge that ended yesterday afternoon. I feel like such a failure but I am here, so there must be some hope for me.
Mostly I wanted to post this to confess so that I can pick my butt back up and keep moving.
I am very ashamed, scared, anxious (unemployment anxiety is what made me want to numb out in the first place), and sad. Glad SR is here.
Mostly I wanted to post this to confess so that I can pick my butt back up and keep moving.
I am very ashamed, scared, anxious (unemployment anxiety is what made me want to numb out in the first place), and sad. Glad SR is here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
Susan...there wasn't a women's meeting! I showed up on Saturday and there was nobody there. I feel a bit lost...I may just find a long distance sponsor for now until I can make a connection to another woman with good solid recovery here. I just don't feel comfortable with asking a man to be my sponsor (too much stuff in my past with men for that to be wise).
Hey...I guess it was a bit of a resentment and the poor me syndrome that led to my binge. Never would have known if I hadn't written this. That's a bit of progress for me. I never used to recognize a connection between use and resentment. Aha!
Hey...I guess it was a bit of a resentment and the poor me syndrome that led to my binge. Never would have known if I hadn't written this. That's a bit of progress for me. I never used to recognize a connection between use and resentment. Aha!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
Liliac,
I would have been sorely disappointed to arrive at what I thought was a meeting location only to find no one there, especially if it were a meeting I was anticipating (i.e., a women's group). That is too bad.
It sounds as if you know yourself well enough to know what will or will not work (i.e., the potential for asking a male as a sponsor). If you have had past issues with men, I agree, it is probably a good idea to avoid asking a man to sponsor you.
Did you look into Lamplighter? That's an on line AA program that offers sponsorship long distance. If I were further along in the steps myself, I would offer to sponsor you. Did you consider the women I suggested from the SR board?
Yeah, resentments are a luxury for "normal" folks, but for alcoholics resentments can be lethal. And "poor me, poor me" usually leads to "pour me, pour me" -- a drink that is. I've been at both of these places myself and would prefer not to go back there.
The great thing about doing a fourth step inventory is that the first thing we tackle is our resentments. It has been an eye-opening experience for me to realize how riddled I am with resentments (and fears too) -- some years old, some petty, some stupid.
Better yet, part of the process involves us looking at our part in a resentment. Some resentments I had "little or no part" in; my main problem was that I had carried the hurt, anger, and bitterness around for years and had allowed it to infect my life.
Anyway, it sounds like you've made some progress to realize the connection. I hope you are having a great sober day, and good luck in your job search.
Susan
I would have been sorely disappointed to arrive at what I thought was a meeting location only to find no one there, especially if it were a meeting I was anticipating (i.e., a women's group). That is too bad.
It sounds as if you know yourself well enough to know what will or will not work (i.e., the potential for asking a male as a sponsor). If you have had past issues with men, I agree, it is probably a good idea to avoid asking a man to sponsor you.
Did you look into Lamplighter? That's an on line AA program that offers sponsorship long distance. If I were further along in the steps myself, I would offer to sponsor you. Did you consider the women I suggested from the SR board?
Yeah, resentments are a luxury for "normal" folks, but for alcoholics resentments can be lethal. And "poor me, poor me" usually leads to "pour me, pour me" -- a drink that is. I've been at both of these places myself and would prefer not to go back there.
The great thing about doing a fourth step inventory is that the first thing we tackle is our resentments. It has been an eye-opening experience for me to realize how riddled I am with resentments (and fears too) -- some years old, some petty, some stupid.
Better yet, part of the process involves us looking at our part in a resentment. Some resentments I had "little or no part" in; my main problem was that I had carried the hurt, anger, and bitterness around for years and had allowed it to infect my life.
Anyway, it sounds like you've made some progress to realize the connection. I hope you are having a great sober day, and good luck in your job search.
Susan
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
Originally Posted by lilac0721 
I had a three-day binge that ended yesterday afternoon. I feel like such a failure but I am here, so there must be some hope for me.
Mostly I wanted to post this to confess so that I can pick my butt back up and keep moving.
I am very ashamed, scared, anxious (unemployment anxiety is what made me want to numb out in the first place), and sad. Glad SR is here.
Mostly I wanted to post this to confess so that I can pick my butt back up and keep moving.
I am very ashamed, scared, anxious (unemployment anxiety is what made me want to numb out in the first place), and sad. Glad SR is here.
I've relapsed so many times and used to think the same thing and say the same thing that you do. The last time I relapse, I don't think that I said that I was a failure (although I could be wrong) it is only part of my journey which has blessed me so much for with it we are now able to help those not only to hear what we say so they don't have to relapse, and to help others that might be thinking about it or those that have done it themselves.
Yes we can get back into the wagon so to speak! Just make sure that we are in the wagon and not on the edge where we could fall off. Grab a hold of something real tight, put a knot on your rope so you will have something solid to hold onto.
We can do this together!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
I'm glad you're back Lilac.
I definitely we all have to guard against self pity and resentment - we're especially vulnerable at times when we're lacking in self esteem I think.
I found coming to this place - whether reading or posting - was always good for helping me get back on an even keel
D
I definitely we all have to guard against self pity and resentment - we're especially vulnerable at times when we're lacking in self esteem I think.
I found coming to this place - whether reading or posting - was always good for helping me get back on an even keel
D
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Well the past happend but your back now!!!!
I am unemployed also I totally know the feeling its awful, hope you can find a female sponsor and meeting for yourself, welcome back, and kind wishes
I see that your in Colorado, I used to live in Boulder for 5 years, man do miss the mountains and people. By the way if you look at my picture in the back is the Colorado state flag. I got it right of a flagpole at a hotel i wont mention at Pikes Peak lol
Peace, Dylan
I am unemployed also I totally know the feeling its awful, hope you can find a female sponsor and meeting for yourself, welcome back, and kind wishes
I see that your in Colorado, I used to live in Boulder for 5 years, man do miss the mountains and people. By the way if you look at my picture in the back is the Colorado state flag. I got it right of a flagpole at a hotel i wont mention at Pikes Peak lol
Peace, Dylan
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
What a blessing it is to have all of you here on SR!
Plan for today: noon meeting, as well as an 8pm (one with each of the 2 AA groups we have here). Clean (yesterday I cleaned the detox sheets) - it keeps me busy and makes me feel useful. Call another lawyer-friend. One called yesterday to offer support/advice but I was too emotionally unstable to take the call. Excercise (it always works wonders). Check out taking the bar exam in another state (like back home in NY or NJ) and check out federal jobs in another state. Unfortunately, the legal job market is super-saturated here in Colorado.
The other thought I've had this morning is that maybe I can use this time to make headway into doing what I really really want to do, which is work in health/mental health directly with people. It's what I've always wanted to do, just was dissuaded by all the various people in my life that I've tried to please.
And darn it, by 9pm MST tonight I WILL HAVE A SPONSOR!!!! Even if it is someone far away. I desperately need to "clean house" if I want to change my life.
Plan for today: noon meeting, as well as an 8pm (one with each of the 2 AA groups we have here). Clean (yesterday I cleaned the detox sheets) - it keeps me busy and makes me feel useful. Call another lawyer-friend. One called yesterday to offer support/advice but I was too emotionally unstable to take the call. Excercise (it always works wonders). Check out taking the bar exam in another state (like back home in NY or NJ) and check out federal jobs in another state. Unfortunately, the legal job market is super-saturated here in Colorado.
The other thought I've had this morning is that maybe I can use this time to make headway into doing what I really really want to do, which is work in health/mental health directly with people. It's what I've always wanted to do, just was dissuaded by all the various people in my life that I've tried to please.
And darn it, by 9pm MST tonight I WILL HAVE A SPONSOR!!!! Even if it is someone far away. I desperately need to "clean house" if I want to change my life.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
It's great that you're back on track.
Feel good about yourself - you're gaining with each day sober. I really like the idea of looking into the career you've always wanted. When you have passion for what you do you look forward to getting up every day and what could be better than that?
One day at a time, baby steps...... you'll get there!:day6
Feel good about yourself - you're gaining with each day sober. I really like the idea of looking into the career you've always wanted. When you have passion for what you do you look forward to getting up every day and what could be better than that?One day at a time, baby steps...... you'll get there!:day6
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
Slight change in plans...no meeting today at noon. I am having lunch with the county's oldest attorney.
It's amazing that I can be feeling horrible and hopeless about ever finding and keeping a job and one of the attorneys from the area will give me a call out of the blue to encourage me and tell me they miss me and that they are looking for opportunities for me. If that isn't God looking out for me, I don't know what is!
It's amazing that I can be feeling horrible and hopeless about ever finding and keeping a job and one of the attorneys from the area will give me a call out of the blue to encourage me and tell me they miss me and that they are looking for opportunities for me. If that isn't God looking out for me, I don't know what is!
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