Very early days, and to think I never thought I had a problem...
 

Hi!

Not sure if i'm allowed to babble on here but I have read a lot of posts, some really good advice and I felt the need to write my thoughts down....they're keeping me awake, again.

I never really thought I had a drinking problem. Just a relaxation technique is how I explained it away.

It started when I moved away from my parents into my own home 11 years ago (or maybe it was before, I really can't remember), I think the stresses of moving exacerbated the problem. It started with beer, 4-5 cans a night (1 pint cans) and that went on for a few years, with binge drinking on spirits, cocktails etc at the weekends.

Over the last 7 years, I have tried and in some ways failed to build a business. Very stressful times, bad staff, bad management in some cases but stress...

My wife and I used to drink 1-2 bottles of wine between us a few nights a week which was bad enough but in recent times (and that's as specific as I can be) it has come down to her not drinking sometimes or even most (not sure...) and me necking 2 bottles of white wine, or rose, or red....

Come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I just had a couple of beers....self control is none existent.

In saying that, I never drink in the morning or during work....but as soon as I get home...

A couple of times in the past, I have given up drinking but I think 1 month was the longest I lasted....during that month we maybe still had a bottle on a Saturday night but that didn't concern me. What does is that it always slips back to this crap.

For some time I have been worried about my health, worried for my daughter (7 next week) and how she might not have a dad or the one she remembers was always drunk in his spare time.

So after Friday drinking 2 bottles of wine, Saturday 2 bottles of wine, Sunday, 4 beers and 2 bottles of wine, I don't know why but I decided enough is enough.

Rather than my empty promises to myself, or my "cutting down" plan which never works. I simply stopped. Tuesday 17th, no more drinking.

Tuesday night was "itchy"....tense, irritable and itching to get something - habit I guess.

Wednesday and Thursday were really bad, talk about on edge, grumpy, tired, biting the wife's head off...horrible

Friday started bad but then really picked up, today was my daughters birthday party so we went out for a meal after. The wife had a couple of glasses of wine, I stuck to my fizzy water.

I know it isn't that easy. I keep wondering how long it will be before I can control what I drink, I also know I don't think I can which leads me to the inevitable must not drink again conclusion. But for some reason, that bothers me, yet I can't put any logical reasoning behind that.....

Not sleeping is not good...sorry for rambling

Hiya Woo. You should be able to find some good support here.

The grumpies and edge will go away. Have you had any ideas about a program of recovery?

Hi and Welcome,

I think most of us here have tried to moderate our drinking. I spent more than a year determined to moderate my drinking and it never lasted and I ended up worse than before. Besides, all I did was think about drinking. Stopping is the only answer if you're an alcoholic, but I do understand that it's hard to think about never drinking again. Don't let those thoughts overwhelm you at this time. Just focus on getting through each day and it will get better.

It's always a good idea to talk to your dr about stopping drinking too because detoxing from alcohol can be dangerous.

No program thought through, just something switched and said enough.

Weird because I can't explain where that came from, an accumulation of things maybe.

For the minute I am concentrating on ignoring it, trying not to think of it and just ploughing on with counting the days since I stopped which I am determined to make double numbers (as a start). I'm not doing well with the ignoring it part, it is occupying my mind a lot in various ways so i'm trying to keep busy.

Tomorrow (Sunday) will be hard, I usually cook dinner in the afternoons on Sunday, starts around 2pm...which normally is accompanied by the radio and a few beers....

Cooking is still on for tomorrow, radio too....

Read page 58 from the Big Book - you can google it. To me, it's the most important message of the whole book and has been the cornerstone of my sobriety to this point. It was also the Meditation for May 20 from "As Bill Sees It."

Once I was at the "out of control" later progression of my drinking (2bottles of wine a night) I decided I had to moderate it. I said to myself, only on the weekends. that lasted a few months and then I allowed myself to drink a week night because it had been so long since I had and that night continued for months into several nights of black outs and waking wondering what I'd done the night before - scared to look online, at my phone and wondering how I got in my bed.

This is a progressive disease that one day bites you in the hind end! I wondered how the heck I got so far into this and realized, "I can't drink anymore." I felt sad, surreal, embarrassed, ashamed, etc. But most of all afraid I was going to die and leave my son motherless. Worse die and have him find me.

It's good that you are here. I'm glad I found this site and that I'm attending AA as much as I can. I'm terrified to drink again. I would start right where I left off and probably be dead in a couple of years. Heck i was working on getting up to 2 and a half bottles the last week of drinking, that's when I knew I was past the point of no return and I had to be done.

And you think you can ramble! HA! LOL

Welcome.

Keep coming back.

Glad you decided to join our posting part of SR....Welcome...:wave:

Welcome woowaa - how's it going today?

I think if we could control our drinking, we would have done it long before we felt we "had" to. I hope you'll stick around - it's way too hard to do this by ourselves. :ghug3

Welcome to our recovery family.:) If you're truly an alcoholic (like I am) you'll never be able to 'control' your drinking. Or as is said; when you can control it you're not enjoying it and when you're enjoying it you're not controlling it. Besides that, normal drinkers never even give it a thought as they have no problem and no need to 'control' their drinking.

I wondered what I'd do with my time when sober, but it turns out I do anything I want and do it better sober.:) No more forgetting or regretting or shame. No more wasted time and money. No more waking up feeling like sh!t and wishing I were dead...:(

In the last 18 months I've enjoyed my life instead of dreading it and wishing it were over. I'm happy because I choose to be instead of the opposite. I love living sober.:) I bet you will too.:)

Welcome woo. I remember when the "I think I may have a problem with alcohol" lightbulb went off in my head. There is a saying "ignonce is bliss" and that was very true with regards to me and alcohol.

For me, the real concern came when I had said "I'm done for good" and then I'd go back to boozing. Then I'd try to control it and that would fail. Ultimately I just got to the point where I accepted that I was an alcoholic and the best I could do was just limit the damage. I found myself not controlling my drinking, but paying more attention to controlling the places I was drunk.

It was a really shatty place to be. I stayed in that place for 3 years.

That all changed December 3, 2010. I finally stopped fighting and trying to "figure it"out" my alcoholism.

I wish you the best of luck!

It is very true that by the time we wonder if maybe we MIGHT have a problem with alcohol we are already in deep..takes awhile to dig out. I know I am all or nothing as far as drinking goes. I have NEVER understood 1 beer or 1 drink..and I never knew I had too much until I had too much!! I think it is that way for alot of us. I had a series of tragic alcohol related accidents and deaths that happened in 2010. I tossed in the towel..I can't tell you how much better the way I feel and life in general is without..I wish you well...

One more thing I just thought of..alcoholics that appear to control their drinking..never happens. If it is like what I did..you take the "party" home to finish off the grand finale. Trying to control drinking for me was nothing but constant frustration and anger..it actually made me mad. :irked:

Thanks for all your useful comments and support. Today is day 7.

Yesterday, as I suspected was hard.

I like cooking at weekends (takes my mind off work) - Sunday is always big roast day but as soon as I start cooking, the drinking starts. Managed not to drink, kept drinking sparkling water instead and green tea, and normal tea and ... well anything but alcohol.

Managed OK, until about 8pm when I suddenly got really anxious, short of breath and angry. Weird feeling. Bit the wife's head off a couple of times (and apologised but...)

It last for about 1 hour, had a cup of green tea and sat quiet and it went away but not nice at all.

Anyway, it was a victory, I managed to ignore it.

Onwards and upwards.

Congratulations on the week woo :)

Early recovery is a pretty emoptional time - it's like a rollercoaster sometimes - and then there's the anxiety...

Most of us find it all gets better - but don't hesitate to see your Dr if you're concerned or you think it's going on too long :)

D