Lonely in my Recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: San francisco,ca
Posts: 112
Lonely in my Recovery
I've been trying to stay sober for 1 year now. The most time ive had was 5 1/2 months. right now 21 days. The entire time I've been single and it's really getting old.
I really do think that a relationship right now would probably lead to procrastination in my recovery, and then ultimately to drinking again. So I pretty much stay away from the girls. Especially at aa meetings.
But lately I've been thinking about being in bed with someone so much. Sex, cuddling, and waking up with someone. I really miss all that good stuff.
Sometimes I think about just fooling around with someone for a little while to get this out of my system, but that might do more harm then good.
How do most of you deal with this in early recovery? Being sober and lonely is such a bitter sweet thing for me.
I really do think that a relationship right now would probably lead to procrastination in my recovery, and then ultimately to drinking again. So I pretty much stay away from the girls. Especially at aa meetings.
But lately I've been thinking about being in bed with someone so much. Sex, cuddling, and waking up with someone. I really miss all that good stuff.
Sometimes I think about just fooling around with someone for a little while to get this out of my system, but that might do more harm then good.
How do most of you deal with this in early recovery? Being sober and lonely is such a bitter sweet thing for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
I really do think that a relationship right now would probably lead to procrastination in my recovery, and then ultimately to drinking again. So I pretty much stay away from the girls. Especially at aa meetings.
I know some will disagree but what is wrong with meeting someone at AA? Being around someone "like-minded" will make you stonger. IMO loneliness sucks and can lead to relapse.
I know some will disagree but what is wrong with meeting someone at AA? Being around someone "like-minded" will make you stonger. IMO loneliness sucks and can lead to relapse.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Originally Posted by OklaBH 
I really do think that a relationship right now would probably lead to procrastination in my recovery, and then ultimately to drinking again. So I pretty much stay away from the girls. Especially at aa meetings.
I know some will disagree but what is wrong with meeting someone at AA? Being around someone "like-minded" will make you stonger. IMO loneliness sucks and can lead to relapse.
I know some will disagree but what is wrong with meeting someone at AA? Being around someone "like-minded" will make you stonger. IMO loneliness sucks and can lead to relapse.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Woodbridge Virginia
Posts: 67
Dune
I am sorry to hear you're struggling with lonliness. What do you do to keep yourself active? One of the things I learned going through the process of trying to get clean/sober was in early sobiety we are so fragile emotionally. I did things I shouldn't have done. I was told during the first year to not make any drastic decisions. Especially in your personal life because we are so vulnerable. What might seem right in the hear and now, months down the road might be regretable. Please take it slow. Your focus needs to be on your recovery not OUR recovery.You have stated to make hugh steps. 21 Days is a lot to be proud of. I know this isn't easy but as we get clean/sober we are reinventing ourselves, getting to know that person that was lost for a while and learning how to function in our lives without drugs/alcohol. Trust me when you are in a place to give and contribute to a healthy relationship that person will be there! Keep posting and God Bless
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 62
Good job on 21 days DUNE! Hang in there... Being single can absolutely suck but the mere presence of a relationship doesn't necessarily bring great things. Especially when trying to make huge changes in your life. With that said, do what you need to as long as you feel it would bring positive results. You don't want to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one -- when you finally meet that "great" person, all this waiting and these lonely moments will feel worth it. I'm in the same situation so I feel I'm being optimistic for my sake as much as yours! 
Good luck in your journey!
Good luck in your journey!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
I remain single, as well, and am enjoying every minute. I don't need to be in a relationship right now as I am still getting to know myself, my bounderies, my thoughts and emotions and setting myself a new path in life.
I really don't need 'another body' with extra baggage that I have to compromise with. I have enough of my own.
There is nothing wrong with asking someone to dinner or hitting a movie but I'd be careful getting 'into a relationship' with someone until you feel you are strong enough emotionally, as well as, soberly. You don't need anything or anyone jeapordizing your mission.
'They say' to get a plant....if you can keep that alive for a year then you are ready...! LOL
I really don't need 'another body' with extra baggage that I have to compromise with. I have enough of my own.
There is nothing wrong with asking someone to dinner or hitting a movie but I'd be careful getting 'into a relationship' with someone until you feel you are strong enough emotionally, as well as, soberly. You don't need anything or anyone jeapordizing your mission.
'They say' to get a plant....if you can keep that alive for a year then you are ready...! LOL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
I hear the lonliness in ur post and how you said
about getting older and relationships.
Hi Im sharon and Im an Alcoholic.
In recovery im sure you heard that taking care of
our alcoholism first is very important because if
we cant stay sober under any circumstances then
we cant stay sober for long at all.
I was married 25 yrs to a non alcoholic and I was
lonely and misunderstood. How i longed to be with
someone who would simply understand my recovery
with me.
My 25 yr marriage did end very peacefully and was
blessed with a wonderful gift of a new marriage with
someone in recovery.
With 20 yrs sobriety i wasnt looking for anyone new
after my seperation and yet my HP brought someone
who recently lost his wife to illness into my life for a
reason. And i believe He didnt want either of us to be
alone or going from one relationship to another looking
for love in all the wrong places or people.
With his 35 yrs marriage and my 25 yr marriage, and
both of us in recovery make a awesome match in His
eyes.
Recovery is first and formost important to both of us
but also is our marriage and relationship we share together.
I dont know where u are in ur Faith, but i believe my Higher
Power could and would if He was sought. And we sought Him
for guidance, protection, care in all we do in our lives.
Our marriage is 2 yrs old and a special recovery gift provided
to us from Above.
Focus on ur recovery program to the best of ur ability and
the promises can and will come true as mentioned in our
Big Book of AA.
about getting older and relationships.
Hi Im sharon and Im an Alcoholic.
In recovery im sure you heard that taking care of
our alcoholism first is very important because if
we cant stay sober under any circumstances then
we cant stay sober for long at all.
I was married 25 yrs to a non alcoholic and I was
lonely and misunderstood. How i longed to be with
someone who would simply understand my recovery
with me.
My 25 yr marriage did end very peacefully and was
blessed with a wonderful gift of a new marriage with
someone in recovery.
With 20 yrs sobriety i wasnt looking for anyone new
after my seperation and yet my HP brought someone
who recently lost his wife to illness into my life for a
reason. And i believe He didnt want either of us to be
alone or going from one relationship to another looking
for love in all the wrong places or people.
With his 35 yrs marriage and my 25 yr marriage, and
both of us in recovery make a awesome match in His
eyes.
Recovery is first and formost important to both of us
but also is our marriage and relationship we share together.
I dont know where u are in ur Faith, but i believe my Higher
Power could and would if He was sought. And we sought Him
for guidance, protection, care in all we do in our lives.
Our marriage is 2 yrs old and a special recovery gift provided
to us from Above.
Focus on ur recovery program to the best of ur ability and
the promises can and will come true as mentioned in our
Big Book of AA.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Since walking into AA, getting a sponsor and working the steps i have not felt lonely once...as soon as i had another person who clearly cared about me and wanted nothing in return the seeking for company that you are describing, and that i so relate to, came to an end not because i chose for it to or decided i wanted to be alone but it was replaced with real friendships and a good relationship...maybe you could do the same?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
The AA people I know who finished their step work before starting a new relationship....have a smoother time and less problems...
:
My first home group of mostly singles did something I think of as "Aa DATING".....
WE DID MANY INTERESTING THINGS OUTSIDE OF MEETINGS AS A GROUP...NO PAIRING OFF.
You COULD START THE BALL ROLLING BY INVITING 5 OTHERS OVER FOR MOVIES AND SNACKS
I had acccess to a pool...often entertained there ,,and we played cards.board games...
:My first home group of mostly singles did something I think of as "Aa DATING".....
WE DID MANY INTERESTING THINGS OUTSIDE OF MEETINGS AS A GROUP...NO PAIRING OFF.
You COULD START THE BALL ROLLING BY INVITING 5 OTHERS OVER FOR MOVIES AND SNACKS
I had acccess to a pool...often entertained there ,,and we played cards.board games...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 22
Dune, I know exactly how you feel. I am 29 days in and feeling lonely as my party friends have distanced themselves, and I from them, and haven't made many sober friends yet. In theory a boyfriend would be nice, but I know "we" don't need the added pressure of a relationship right now. So, in the meantime we need to keep our mind and bodies busy...movies, gym, running, etc. I have confidence there are awesome days to come!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 148
Yeah I would maybe go the route of just finding some sober people to hang out with. Even ask a nice girl out on a date or something. Maybe not dive right into the whole relationship thing, but spending time with somebody is always helpful
I know if I wasn't currently in a relationship this would be a lot harder for me as she gives me tons of support
Either way good luck! I'm in the same boat trying to figure out what to do with all my new spare time that I spent drinking with "friends" lol
I know if I wasn't currently in a relationship this would be a lot harder for me as she gives me tons of support
Either way good luck! I'm in the same boat trying to figure out what to do with all my new spare time that I spent drinking with "friends" lol
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,944
Originally Posted by DUNE
I've been trying to stay sober for 1 year now. The most time ive had was 5 1/2 months. right now 21 days. The entire time I've been single and it's really getting old.
I really do think that a relationship right now would probably lead to procrastination in my recovery, and then ultimately to drinking again. So I pretty much stay away from the girls. Especially at aa meetings.
But lately I've been thinking about being in bed with someone so much. Sex, cuddling, and waking up with someone. I really miss all that good stuff.
Sometimes I think about just fooling around with someone for a little while to get this out of my system, but that might do more harm then good.
How do most of you deal with this in early recovery? Being sober and lonely is such a bitter sweet thing for me.
I really do think that a relationship right now would probably lead to procrastination in my recovery, and then ultimately to drinking again. So I pretty much stay away from the girls. Especially at aa meetings.
But lately I've been thinking about being in bed with someone so much. Sex, cuddling, and waking up with someone. I really miss all that good stuff.
Sometimes I think about just fooling around with someone for a little while to get this out of my system, but that might do more harm then good.
How do most of you deal with this in early recovery? Being sober and lonely is such a bitter sweet thing for me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Canada.
Posts: 88
First off, congratulations on day 21.
Second off, I feel your loneliness. I feel I'm sort of in the same boat. I'm dealing with my loneliness by trying to spend more time with my family, as I have alienated them for most of my drinking years. It's hard sometimes, but I'm working through it. I think right now my sobriety is more important than a relationship.
Second off, I feel your loneliness. I feel I'm sort of in the same boat. I'm dealing with my loneliness by trying to spend more time with my family, as I have alienated them for most of my drinking years. It's hard sometimes, but I'm working through it. I think right now my sobriety is more important than a relationship.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 245
I am enjoying the hell out of being single, and am looking forward to being single the next several years. What's the rush? I also think that finding sobriety provides an awesome opportunity to learn how to start healthy friendships. Aside from not wanting to be in a relationship, I know that I'm also not anywhere close to being ready.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by billsaintjames
I am enjoying the hell out of being single, and am looking forward to being single the next several years. What's the rush? I also think that finding sobriety provides an awesome opportunity to learn how to start healthy friendships. Aside from not wanting to be in a relationship, I know that I'm also not anywhere close to being ready.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: San francisco,ca
Posts: 112
Thank you everyone for the responce.
I have been trying to be more social in aa. There are a few guys that I have really gotten close to and hang out with outside of the meetings. Which has helped my recovery a lot!
However that (or a plant) does not fill the empty void that I've been feeling. Trying to be focused on other things does help a bit. I've started to exercise again and have a few other goals that I've been working twards. But in the end I don't think that there are any real substitutions for intimate companionship.
I get the impression that some of you don't see a problem with being with someone in my early recover. I'm not talking about a long term thing though. I'm not sure how that would effect my sobriety. It might help, or it could be the worst thing for me. I haven't tried it, so I don't really know what would happen. But I've definitely have been thinking more about tring some casual companionship.
There's one girl I know who has 2 years sober, who I have been thinking about a lot lately, and I think she's been doing the same. She want's to get together for coffee or something, but I think were going to end up doing more then just drinking coffee. Not really sure what to do withmyself here.
I have been trying to be more social in aa. There are a few guys that I have really gotten close to and hang out with outside of the meetings. Which has helped my recovery a lot!
However that (or a plant) does not fill the empty void that I've been feeling. Trying to be focused on other things does help a bit. I've started to exercise again and have a few other goals that I've been working twards. But in the end I don't think that there are any real substitutions for intimate companionship.
I get the impression that some of you don't see a problem with being with someone in my early recover. I'm not talking about a long term thing though. I'm not sure how that would effect my sobriety. It might help, or it could be the worst thing for me. I haven't tried it, so I don't really know what would happen. But I've definitely have been thinking more about tring some casual companionship.
There's one girl I know who has 2 years sober, who I have been thinking about a lot lately, and I think she's been doing the same. She want's to get together for coffee or something, but I think were going to end up doing more then just drinking coffee. Not really sure what to do withmyself here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
Most people in early recovery may have ingaged in
an intimate affair or relationship with high expectations
of something serious or long term. Some go on sucessfully
and some are tragic where one or the other returns to
drinking or drugging because of the emotions involved.
Anytime we get into a relationship and it fails emotionally
we are hurt. And what is the first thing we want to do when
we are hurt? Reach for a drink or drug to drown or numb
our pain.
Making sure you both are strong in ur recovery and you
both have put that as top priority then a relationship can
grow strong upon its recovery foundation and it can be
successful.
Openmindedness, Willingness and Honesty are 3 important
components to a happy successful relationship.
an intimate affair or relationship with high expectations
of something serious or long term. Some go on sucessfully
and some are tragic where one or the other returns to
drinking or drugging because of the emotions involved.
Anytime we get into a relationship and it fails emotionally
we are hurt. And what is the first thing we want to do when
we are hurt? Reach for a drink or drug to drown or numb
our pain.
Making sure you both are strong in ur recovery and you
both have put that as top priority then a relationship can
grow strong upon its recovery foundation and it can be
successful.
Openmindedness, Willingness and Honesty are 3 important
components to a happy successful relationship.
Servant of God
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Parts Unknown
Posts: 214
Getting into a relationship when not yet too solid into recovery was one of the worst things I feel I ever did....and best (two incredible boys later).
The old saying goes something like "if you can't love yourself, you can't love anyone else".
Early (few years) recovery is such a discovery phase of life that you barely know what it is that you like, let alone what kind of partner you want. For me, getting involved in a relationship derailed my recovery and took my focus off of me. But when I think about my boys I think that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
I may not stay married and will have possibly hurt two kids along the way but I just can't think about that.
There are no right or wrong answers for you. Put yourself and your recovery first and foremost, no matter what. I would like to believe that that's the best move.
The old saying goes something like "if you can't love yourself, you can't love anyone else".
Early (few years) recovery is such a discovery phase of life that you barely know what it is that you like, let alone what kind of partner you want. For me, getting involved in a relationship derailed my recovery and took my focus off of me. But when I think about my boys I think that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
I may not stay married and will have possibly hurt two kids along the way but I just can't think about that.
There are no right or wrong answers for you. Put yourself and your recovery first and foremost, no matter what. I would like to believe that that's the best move.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: San francisco,ca
Posts: 112
Thanks sharron and fnb3, it really nice to get a womans prespective on this type of thing. Most of my guy friends in aa tell me "It usually leads to a relaps for me". which is not what I want to hear, but maybe it's what I have to listen to.
It also helps me to keep in mind that I might not be just messing up my recovery but someone else's as well. And that's the last thing I want to do. I've hurt enough people in the past with drunken behavior, and I don't want to do it again with sober behavior.
Dealing with these feelings is so frustrating.
It also helps me to keep in mind that I might not be just messing up my recovery but someone else's as well. And that's the last thing I want to do. I've hurt enough people in the past with drunken behavior, and I don't want to do it again with sober behavior.
Dealing with these feelings is so frustrating.
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