Lipitor

My dear friends..... I realise that I have probably offended a few people on this forum

I guess in a way , I was so happy with my recovery , but , in a sense , I am in pain so much every day that I never really shared my honest thoughts with all of you

It hurts so much ...I constantly want to drink , but I dont

im angry at all of you and I dont know why

It is better that I take some time out

Ive cancelled my lists at work and , by the grace of god, my partner julie, wants to come back to me albiet , as a boring bloke now...LOL i guess I should laugh..

I would like to thank all of you for your support , kindness and friendship..

Im not ready to really talk about how difficult my alcoholism is .

the ripples of it affect me every day in my life


I cant believe that it has affected me so much ......twelve weeks ..
more or less with one slip up ..

I saw my GP today ...he is encouraging and told me to hang in there and he said....." it might take you a couple of years to get yourself back "

OK


I dont really know what im doing , but the forum has now become a little painful ... a poignant reminder of my past life....I so , dont want it any more



If I come back here in a few months , I hope you will forgive me.


I drank so much more than I admitted...


Here is my drinking history

Morning

three beers
then toothpaste , mouthwash and a bike ride

Lunch

a couple of sandwiches , a swig of vodka or two and toothpaste
mouthwash

Afternoon

Two swigs of vodka and more mouthwash

Five PM

one or three bourbons and coke on the way home

a small meal.

usually three bottles of wine
plus vodka

plus port

Id wake at three or four in the morning and drink whatever was left

I realise now that I basically drink ALL DAY .

IM sorry for lying to you , all of you , I just gave up for a few weeks and suffered so much .

the shakes , anxiety , more than I ever knew existed

The thing that makes me want to stop is

IN the morning my head is so buggered , full of fear, bizzare thoughts . I realise now that im not to far away from Korsacofs syndrome...

I have trouble with rational thinking ..

day to day stuff.

Im so sorry that I pretended I was getting better .. Every day , that i posted on SR was so painful but I adopted the mind set of " fake it to make it "
All of you seem to do so well...

Once again tonight ive been driving around, Ive done about one hundred Km to avoid going home and drinking .

Now Im back....very tired and going to sleep with the help of valium

Forgive me my friends I just did my best .

I have been to AA and made a fool of myself there by turning up drunk one night....

Im too ashamed to go back.. I called a friend from AA and abused him on the phone..two years ago...

He threatened to call the police

I never went back

I was just crying out for help , in a drunken state

Kind regards and thank you for your help ... thanks so much newwings..
you are lovely and I wish you a happy marriage with your husband


Im tired ...

I so want to drink tonight ...it is every night . It never ends


Lip

BHF

O.K.? You drink alot, you lie about drinking alot, you know you lie about drinking alot and it depresses you, you sometimes make an a** out of yourself when you drink alot...Trust me, do NOT feel that you are alone in all of the above.

I, for one, have done all of the above, and was miserable. I admit, I'm not ecstatic today, but it gets better and I get by. The trick for me was putting the plug in the jug. I had to stop drinking for some period of time in order to stop drinking. If you want to quit drinking, you may need to sit down, sober, with someone who you can discuss it with, and figure out a plan to get a few initial sober days under your belt, so that you can clear your head. This may involve detox judging by your post.

Point is, you gotta reach a point where you want to quit drinking more than you wanta drink. Good luck and hope you stay around.

FreeDance

Hey Lip --

Sorry you are in such pain. But there's no need to apologize to us, as far as I'm concerned. This is about you, and the forum is just here to help us, to the extent it can.

You can change your life -- I know you can.

Why not start by trying an inpatient program? Give yourself some time out to recover?

It's in your control to take the next steps. I hope you do it, for you.

Bikeguy

Lipitor,

I really hope you reconsider, this is a recovery board, we all make mistakes and we all have difficult times. I think your posts and comments here have a lot of value, if your not feeling up to posting or commenting just hang out and read, there are lot of times I do just that. I'm glad you talked to your doctor, may-be you should seek a 2nd opinion as well, it might be worth it. Take care of yourself!

Anna

Lipitor,

I really hope that you reconsider your decision and stay. You need support and we give that. Yes, you lied to us, but that's part of the disease of addiction. It's hard to admit that our lives are out of control. I wish you well!

OklaBH

Hold the phone. You don't need to leave. Sounds like you need us more than ever..and we need you.

However, if you feel that strongly, all I can say is good luck and much love! You'll be missed

Lipitor

Thanks but Im done.....I just cant get past the addiction

What the hell do I do without it.?????

You know, the thing that pisses me off about drunks , is , that they lie.

And ive lied to all of the people on the forum

I was scared , who would want me in this pool of people who seem to be SO WELL, getting better, making a go of their lives..

If they only knew how much I lie. what a fake I am .

Mind you , I tried with all my might.

but night after night after night ,,,,, Listening to endless music , DVDS, calling Life line, calling my daughters and talking about nothing, calling every friend in my phone , just to say hello , and not telling any of them what I was going through .

I applaude every one of you that has come through this , because , I CANT

it is too hard

I have to pull something out from somewhere , I have nothing left except honesty ../
It is the only card I have left

L

Fandy

Lips;

you do not need to leave here when you need support. Give yourself time and decide what the best course is for you. you are an asset to the forum and your story may help others.

it's all out in the open and now you can address it...day by day.

and PLEASE don't mix Valium with the booze.

Lipitor

Ive never been considered a drama queen

But , Im vulnerable now .


All of you who read this and my previous posts on this thread , probably are closer to me than my family, who I lie too.

Im bumping along the bottom .

I want to stay here.

Also want to apologise to the people that I was less than kind to in PM messages

L

wander2

I'm very sorry for your problems.. many of us understand some of what you are going thru. If you are still here and get this. I ask you please go to a rehab. check yourself in, event if it is only to dry out, it is a start. By the way you are not the only one who has lied on this site. I too posted sobriety drunk. I have since admitted it on my threads but it happens to others.


Please get help. your life is worth it.

MIBluebird

We are all just like you with the same struggles and any one of us could pick up that bottle at any time. My heart hurts for you and I hope you don't think you have to go. Yes, alcoholics are liars, it's the nature of the beast, but we also have this huge capacity to love and to forgive. I hope you feel that here.

Lipitor

[QUOTE=Fandy;2973469]Lips;

you do not need to leave here when you need support. Give yourself time and decide what the best course is for you. you are an asset to the forum and your story may help others.

it's all out in the open and now you can address it...day by day.

and PLEASE don't mix Valium with the booze.

Im not drinking . I just want to .

And benzos plus alcohol is a potentially lethal combination....

I wont go there , I have three daughters to look after...

thanks

Im so embarassed , I feel ashamed of my lies


L

Lipitor

Why did you not all tell me that you were liars before this??

I thought it was only me.

What a fake lipitor is ....pretending , while stuggling .

I feel so much better for THIS HONESTY

thank you , friends

L

the weight does not seem so heavy just now

Lenetrk

You made a hugh step by admitting you lied. I don't know one addict who hasn't. That's part of addiction. We are hugh manipulators. No one is here to judge you. We have all done things we might be ashamed of but that's part of life. You need support now, more than ever. Please keep posting. You can do this! The fact that you did post this is telling me you are getting honest with yourself. And that's a big first step. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

WritingFromLife

No one cares if you lied. Please stay. What can it hurt? If we all have to leave because we lied, there won't be very many of us left. I hope you change your mind, but if you don't, please, please, don't think the door is closed later on if you DO want to come back.

artsoul

I hope you don't leave.... I don't quite understand all the details, but from what I gather from your post, you've had 12 weeks without drinking (with one screw-up)? To me, that's huge, and it doesn't matter how much you drank before really.

I know how hard it is for me every day, even with anti-depressants. If it wasn't, I wouldn't be here all the time. (My urges and obsession didn't start getting better until 6 months - it goes away a little bit at a time. It's like a grief process - we go through denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance etc. etc....... the same stages of grief).

For me now, it's more about working on seeing the glass half full and doing the right thing even if my emotions want me to do otherwise. Not easy.

I just enjoy you being here...... so don't make it an "all or nothing" deal, OK?
If you want to step back for a while, that's cool....... Just remember, we're all sick people trying to get better - why wouldn't we understand?!!:day6

citylights

I'm new here so I don't know how you presented yourself on the forums, but I can say that alcoholism is a disease of lying--to yourself and everyone around you. It's not who you are it, it is what your disease is. I bet everyone, but everyone on here can relate to that, especially alcoholics like me who hid how much, when, what they were drinking from everyone (or tried to) and lied about it when confronted. That's what we do. It's also an illness of shame, and that shame is actually the demon disease telling you that you're a piece of crap and that you deserve to die, so just go ahead and drink.

But there is no shame in being sick, the only shame is not getting help. The past is what it is--you came clean today, and that seems to me an opening not a closing. I came clean to my boyfriend yesterday about how much I was drinking and when and he, naturally, didn't understand and may have to back away from me as I try to put my life back together, that's why I need sober people for support, and in my completelely unknowledable opinion, so do you. We all do so that we can start to repair our wounded bodies and brains and start to be kind to ourselves. You are worth it, we all are. Not trying to change your mind, just letting you know that I share your feelings about lying, shame, remorse, but I also share the feelings of hope and faith that others on the board give out daily. Peace.

Lipitor

Ok .....Ok ... How the hell could you possibly need me ???

I cut my photos off today , I was ashamed, I tried to delete my profile, I am so con bloody fused without booze.....

I want it to get easier..and im tired of saying NOTHING.


I never talked to anyone about it ...I just drank in private and hid it.

I have bottles of vodka in my guitar case, my work desk, my piano , my kitchen cabinets, my cistern of the toilet....(just in case I run out of the other bottles)

I watched a movie the other night called LEAVING LAS VEGAS with Nicholas Cage..

It really frightened me

I dont really want to leave the forum ..I just cant lie to you guys anymore

L

opmloser

Lipitor- We're here to recover and to encourage others with their recovery; please don't say you're sorry to anyone here, you've nothing to apologize for. You are not the only person to slip, fall, and break a few bones along the way. And you certainly don't write like a candidate for Wet Brain. Everything you're feeling has been felt by us and there is no reason to leave this board, so please don't!

Lipitor

Thank you ...... thanks so much .

I have to be honest ...Ive got nothing left now... Nothing .

S H I T it hurts.....

is it really a first step ???

I have lied for so long , that sometimes I dont even know who i am anymore

I really want a drink ...right now....... I just CANT ANYMORE

L