Making new, sober friends...but not through AA
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
Making new, sober friends...but not through AA
Okay folks, I really want to make some new, sober friends. Being on here has made me realize I'd like to spend more time with people who 'get me', but I don't want to spend all the time talking about alcohol, frankly! It would bother me a bit if the only connection in our friendship would be the fact we don't drink or use anymore, since I have always been attracted to people who are a bit needy or need a lot of support. I would like a bunch of friends who are still into having a really great time but don't need mothering, just some good belly laughs. I'm scared I'm going to zero in on the most neediest person in the room (it's been a long standing joke between my family and I that I always go for the 'one eyed dog' or 'three legged cat' equivalent of humans..!).
Since I've been dropped like a hot brick by my 'regular' friends, including my best friend, (I really am at a loss as to why, since it's not even drinking events - things like shopping sprees, lunches and coffees) I've been feeling more and more isolated. Even when I am with them, I'm finding the hurt at being excluded is eating into me so I am probably quieter and more reserved...hence the lack of invites. My new quietness does show, since they are all type A personalities - loud, full on, bossy and, yes, they like to drink, A LOT, and I'm definitely quieter these days, not so 'full on'. I'm finding I feel almost like a ghost version of former myself. It's not such a bad thing, at least I'm not doing stupid, crazy things any more, and I can trust myself; I don't want to be the nutty party girl, but I still want to be the woman people want to spend time with..
I did try and speak to my best friend about it, but she flat out denied I was being excluded, even though I know they are all hanging out together. Not posting pics or mentioning events on facebook - which we always do at get togethers - is the absolute sure way I know that they are trying to keep their socials quiet without alerting me. I know I sound really paranoid, but I know I'm not!!
If it was just drinking things, I'd understand. But it isn't, so it's really screwing with my head and making me feel pretty sad - and also making me question whether I really HAVE been as upbeat about my sobriety as I originally thought I was. I feel great when I'm on here and chatting backwards and forth with you guys. Just out in the real world I'm feeling very flat and rejected. Maybe naively, I thought I would be the one doing the dropping...not the other way round. Humph.
Anyhow, being the kind of girl I am, I don't want to sit at home grumbling about it and feeling rejected. I can only see this as an opportunity in my life to make new friends (there's always a good time to make new friends - this one is the BEST!). So how do I do it without going to AA meetings? Not that I have anything against them, I just don't really want to go to any - am I cutting myself off from a very valuable social network? I feel I'm doing fine as I am in terms of sobriety - rock steady...I just would like some friends who don't drink, so we can do normal things like going bowling, to movies, hikes etc and I don't have to be the bloomin' designated driver to a load of wasted women, as I'm getting pretty sick of that, too!
Since I've been dropped like a hot brick by my 'regular' friends, including my best friend, (I really am at a loss as to why, since it's not even drinking events - things like shopping sprees, lunches and coffees) I've been feeling more and more isolated. Even when I am with them, I'm finding the hurt at being excluded is eating into me so I am probably quieter and more reserved...hence the lack of invites. My new quietness does show, since they are all type A personalities - loud, full on, bossy and, yes, they like to drink, A LOT, and I'm definitely quieter these days, not so 'full on'. I'm finding I feel almost like a ghost version of former myself. It's not such a bad thing, at least I'm not doing stupid, crazy things any more, and I can trust myself; I don't want to be the nutty party girl, but I still want to be the woman people want to spend time with..
I did try and speak to my best friend about it, but she flat out denied I was being excluded, even though I know they are all hanging out together. Not posting pics or mentioning events on facebook - which we always do at get togethers - is the absolute sure way I know that they are trying to keep their socials quiet without alerting me. I know I sound really paranoid, but I know I'm not!!
If it was just drinking things, I'd understand. But it isn't, so it's really screwing with my head and making me feel pretty sad - and also making me question whether I really HAVE been as upbeat about my sobriety as I originally thought I was. I feel great when I'm on here and chatting backwards and forth with you guys. Just out in the real world I'm feeling very flat and rejected. Maybe naively, I thought I would be the one doing the dropping...not the other way round. Humph.
Anyhow, being the kind of girl I am, I don't want to sit at home grumbling about it and feeling rejected. I can only see this as an opportunity in my life to make new friends (there's always a good time to make new friends - this one is the BEST!). So how do I do it without going to AA meetings? Not that I have anything against them, I just don't really want to go to any - am I cutting myself off from a very valuable social network? I feel I'm doing fine as I am in terms of sobriety - rock steady...I just would like some friends who don't drink, so we can do normal things like going bowling, to movies, hikes etc and I don't have to be the bloomin' designated driver to a load of wasted women, as I'm getting pretty sick of that, too!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 144
Gosh, I wish I had some advice!! My social group is basically my neighbors, who drink. A lot, sometimes.
I wonder if there are some activities that automatically exclude drinking that you might like to get involved in? For instance, if there are book clubs that meet at the library or in a coffee shop, that would exclude alcohol. Or ballroom dancing -- I've never been in a dance studio of any kind that served alcohol, even if they served soft drinks and snacks. And non-credit community classes of various kinds?
I don't know if that would mean meeting non-drinkers, but it could be new people who do things that don't involve alcohol...?
Like I said, I'm not one to give advice on this!
I'd totally hang out with you if I lived in California, though!!:ghug3
I wonder if there are some activities that automatically exclude drinking that you might like to get involved in? For instance, if there are book clubs that meet at the library or in a coffee shop, that would exclude alcohol. Or ballroom dancing -- I've never been in a dance studio of any kind that served alcohol, even if they served soft drinks and snacks. And non-credit community classes of various kinds?
I don't know if that would mean meeting non-drinkers, but it could be new people who do things that don't involve alcohol...?
Like I said, I'm not one to give advice on this!
I'd totally hang out with you if I lived in California, though!!:ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
Thanks, FreeDance! I'd totally hang with you, too..we could celebrate our mutual quit date, too 
I've just done some googling and found Bay Area Non-Drinkers Club, which organizes events around the San Francisco area. I've joined up, so I'm looking forward to seeing what crops up there! I had no idea there WAS anything like that out there. Brilliant! And if anyone's in the same boat as me, there turned out to be several clubs like that all over the world. So..not feeling so sorry for myself now.
I've just done some googling and found Bay Area Non-Drinkers Club, which organizes events around the San Francisco area. I've joined up, so I'm looking forward to seeing what crops up there! I had no idea there WAS anything like that out there. Brilliant! And if anyone's in the same boat as me, there turned out to be several clubs like that all over the world. So..not feeling so sorry for myself now.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
NewWings,
You might consider such things as: taking tai chi or yoga classes, signing up for a pottery or art class, registering for a course at the local community college, joining a park or nature center activity, volunteering on a community project, joining a church, there is an entire world of things to do to meet people where alcohol is not involved.
Susan
You might consider such things as: taking tai chi or yoga classes, signing up for a pottery or art class, registering for a course at the local community college, joining a park or nature center activity, volunteering on a community project, joining a church, there is an entire world of things to do to meet people where alcohol is not involved.
Susan
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: TN
Posts: 162
You don't have to go to AA to make new friends. Not sure where you're located at, but there are events everywhere that you can go to socialize and meet people. Some of the major cities have "singles clubs" which are not dating oriented, they just coordinate different events to participate in. If you are religous, there's always church. If you are active, look for different amateur athletic clubs (softball, soccer, kickball). Possibly take a course that interests you at a local college? However, the majority of the people you meet will likely drink alcohol. That's just a given and there is nothing wrong with that. I doubt they'll be drinking in class, on the softball field, or in the pew, but if you do develop a friendship and socialize, it's gonna come up. If that's ok with you at this time, go for it.
I do think that you are passing up a good opportunity in AA, though. If you want to meet people that do not drink at all, that's about the only place to find them all congregated together. Also, even though it sounds odd, it's not all about not drinking in AA. That's what its usually about in the rooms, but they, too, have social lives outside of the rooms. They do alot of stuff in recovery that is fun. Whitewater rafting, softball, camping, movies, dances, are just a few things I can name that are organized as a group and then you have all of the individuals who develop real friendships over time.
If you choose this route, I would suggest that you scout out several different meeting locations to see where you're most comfortable. There are different AA meetings for every demographic group out there, then there are groups mixed with people of all walks, as well. Your choice...and it's cheap.
I do think that you are passing up a good opportunity in AA, though. If you want to meet people that do not drink at all, that's about the only place to find them all congregated together. Also, even though it sounds odd, it's not all about not drinking in AA. That's what its usually about in the rooms, but they, too, have social lives outside of the rooms. They do alot of stuff in recovery that is fun. Whitewater rafting, softball, camping, movies, dances, are just a few things I can name that are organized as a group and then you have all of the individuals who develop real friendships over time.
If you choose this route, I would suggest that you scout out several different meeting locations to see where you're most comfortable. There are different AA meetings for every demographic group out there, then there are groups mixed with people of all walks, as well. Your choice...and it's cheap.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by newwings
Not posting pics or mentioning events on facebook - which we always do at get togethers - is the absolute sure way I know that they are trying to keep their socials quiet without alerting me. I know I sound really paranoid, but I know I'm not!!
Assuming you are right, what of it? One distinct posibility is that one or more of them have their own drinking problem. When one of us sobers up it can really affect still drinking/using friends that know or strongly suspect they have a problem with drinking/using too. This manifests itself in strange ways, including isolating themselves from you.
In terms of AA, just give it a try, you have nothing to lose.
MIND OF DESTRUCTIVE TASTE
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 744
Hm, I don't think you are being paranoid though....because it is very easy to block a person/s from any posts/pics you put out there. You can choose to exclude an individual from seeing anyhing. I know, because it's happened to me.
Anyways newwings, I am sorry I don't have good advice because I am pretty much a loner but I hope you find some new activities and get a wonderful social life you are looking for!
-jess
Anyways newwings, I am sorry I don't have good advice because I am pretty much a loner but I hope you find some new activities and get a wonderful social life you are looking for!
-jess
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
dont worry about those people. I deleted quite a few from my "friends" list. I dont care how drunk they got and I dont want to see it.
Take some classes at your local gym...Zumba, total toning, pilates..etc you will meet sober/cool people there.
As for AA friends..I have quite a few. When we talk RARELY does AA or drinking come up. The only time is when someone makes a call because they want to drink. You help them through it and your sobriety is much stronger after helping.
Take some classes at your local gym...Zumba, total toning, pilates..etc you will meet sober/cool people there.
As for AA friends..I have quite a few. When we talk RARELY does AA or drinking come up. The only time is when someone makes a call because they want to drink. You help them through it and your sobriety is much stronger after helping.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
Go on meetup.com and join groups that your into and you can find new friends that way. It's a real lifesaver because you know what they are really into and a lot of the meetings are not at a bar, so no alcohol is in the picture.
Sobriety date April 19th 2011
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Salem, VA
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by BHF 
You don't have to go to AA to make new friends. Not sure where you're located at, but there are events everywhere that you can go to socialize and meet people. Some of the major cities have "singles clubs" which are not dating oriented, they just coordinate different events to participate in. If you are religous, there's always church. If you are active, look for different amateur athletic clubs (softball, soccer, kickball). Possibly take a course that interests you at a local college? However, the majority of the people you meet will likely drink alcohol. That's just a given and there is nothing wrong with that. I doubt they'll be drinking in class, on the softball field, or in the pew, but if you do develop a friendship and socialize, it's gonna come up. If that's ok with you at this time, go for it.
I do think that you are passing up a good opportunity in AA, though. If you want to meet people that do not drink at all, that's about the only place to find them all congregated together. Also, even though it sounds odd, it's not all about not drinking in AA. That's what its usually about in the rooms, but they, too, have social lives outside of the rooms. They do alot of stuff in recovery that is fun. Whitewater rafting, softball, camping, movies, dances, are just a few things I can name that are organized as a group and then you have all of the individuals who develop real friendships over time.
If you choose this route, I would suggest that you scout out several different meeting locations to see where you're most comfortable. There are different AA meetings for every demographic group out there, then there are groups mixed with people of all walks, as well. Your choice...and it's cheap.
I do think that you are passing up a good opportunity in AA, though. If you want to meet people that do not drink at all, that's about the only place to find them all congregated together. Also, even though it sounds odd, it's not all about not drinking in AA. That's what its usually about in the rooms, but they, too, have social lives outside of the rooms. They do alot of stuff in recovery that is fun. Whitewater rafting, softball, camping, movies, dances, are just a few things I can name that are organized as a group and then you have all of the individuals who develop real friendships over time.
If you choose this route, I would suggest that you scout out several different meeting locations to see where you're most comfortable. There are different AA meetings for every demographic group out there, then there are groups mixed with people of all walks, as well. Your choice...and it's cheap.
This ^
I also wanted to comment that it is very likely that they are doing that , but it's not something against you. They may want to be supportive of you and not want to entice you. It may also make them a bit uncomfortable as lets face it. a huge part of your bond and friendship was the commonality of liking to drink. Personality changes also make a huge difference. You are a different person and not the same one they knew ( as you said in your personality changes ).
I've seen it many times in my own past when I stopped a specific drug. The difference for me was that most of those "friends" I associated mainly with doing said drug. If not then it was in anticipation of one of us having it to share with the others.
When it was time for me to drop the drug I had to distance myself from them and the lifestyle. Now... the thing is that in most cases many of them said things like " We can still hang out , we just won't do xxx while you are around so we don't tempt you. "
My problem with this is that I knew I was impeding on what they wanted to do and what they enjoyed. It was not their responsibility to change their actions to accommodate me because I had made a decision. We also couldn't laugh and joke about stories of craziness like we used to because it would bring up the lighter side of the drug that would prompt me to want it again.
I say all that to say this. It's pretty common and in many ways it's needed and healthy. In time it may change. AND to say that I'm kind of in the same boat , yet I'm not ready to make new friends to depend on or have depend on me at this time. I like making acquaintances and meeting new people, but I also want this time to refocus on myself and my family. To grow as an individual in order to have a HEALTHY friendship/relationship with someone.
Also there is a very good thing that I've read a hundred time and I've believed in it since the very first time. It's helped me alot with relationship losses in the past ( and current )
Most people will recognize this from email forwards, I think I read it back around years 2001 - a reminder is always nice.
A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong -doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being a part of my life
PRAYER:
May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing that you are a child of God. Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, and to bask in the sun. It is there for each and every one of you. God Bless.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Absolutely Enoy...I agree with the reason and season thang. I had gotten that as an email awhile ago and never forget.
I am not in a rush to meet new people. I know for whatever reason I am s'posed to get my life in order and gain the strength I need to function as a normal person/friend. There will be and has been people placed in my journey.
In my new job, there is a wealth of people. But how many would I actually want to be friends with? You have to be careful. Even my brother had mentioned when I told him about the sobriety and new job thing that you need to learn how to trust others. He doesn't drink but believe it or not, normal people have same situations. You don't want to rush out and engage everyone you meet with a big howdy-do and lets do lunch. You need to get to know them as a person. Friends aren't just 'met' they are 'developed'.
I have one girl at work who was in my rehab and I absolutely hate being near her (I hate to say) because she's on a different level than I am. She is always tired complaining she needs a nap, she always has to let me know her work schedule and what is going on in her life. Well, how does she know she can trust me? And all the yacking she does certainly doesn't make me want to trust her.
So just be careful while meeting new people -I know the term strangers are friends we haven't met yet but in this day and age I'd be aleeetle careful jumping out of the boat.
I am not in a rush to meet new people. I know for whatever reason I am s'posed to get my life in order and gain the strength I need to function as a normal person/friend. There will be and has been people placed in my journey.
In my new job, there is a wealth of people. But how many would I actually want to be friends with? You have to be careful. Even my brother had mentioned when I told him about the sobriety and new job thing that you need to learn how to trust others. He doesn't drink but believe it or not, normal people have same situations. You don't want to rush out and engage everyone you meet with a big howdy-do and lets do lunch. You need to get to know them as a person. Friends aren't just 'met' they are 'developed'.
I have one girl at work who was in my rehab and I absolutely hate being near her (I hate to say) because she's on a different level than I am. She is always tired complaining she needs a nap, she always has to let me know her work schedule and what is going on in her life. Well, how does she know she can trust me? And all the yacking she does certainly doesn't make me want to trust her.
So just be careful while meeting new people -I know the term strangers are friends we haven't met yet but in this day and age I'd be aleeetle careful jumping out of the boat.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
Originally Posted by dgillz
How do you know they are actually having get togethers? Maybe there are no posts and pics because there are none to post. And yes, you do sound paranoid.
Yeah, you are right. What of it. I guess I might be going through the 'I'm sober..now who the heck am I? kind of phase. After reading some posts similar to this lately, I think it's part of recovery. Not nice though. I guess that's the price you have to pay for finally waking up from the fog that was my alcoholic life. I'd rather be on this side than the other, that's for sure.
I'm looking into art classes - it's about time I got back into that, and also getting myself back to the gym. Thanks everyone for being really understanding and coming back with some great suggestions, I really appreciate it. And who knows, I might go to AA! I just really don't want to fake anything right now, I've been doing that for years. I don't want to go to AA and immerse myself in making friendships and connections if I don't really feel the 12 steps are for me. It would feel like I was making a mockery of what the members believe in, and I uncomfortable with that. But yeah, I really shouldn't be ruling anything out right now.
I also get about how friendships are developed..I just have a long term habit of picking people who appear friendly, but a few months down the line end up being really quite freaky and needy and then get upset if I don't give them everything they demand in terms of time. I've always been that person that the odd person at the bus stop tells their entire life story to, or the person that people call at 1am to tell me some crisis that needs fixing. I need to really look at why I am initially attracted to people like that. I guess that's some more homework for me
Sobriety date April 19th 2011
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Salem, VA
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by newwings
..I just have a long term habit of picking people who appear friendly, but a few months down the line end up being really quite freaky and needy and then get upset if I don't give them everything they demand in terms of time. I've always been that person that the odd person at the bus stop tells their entire life story to, or the person that people call at 1am to tell me some crisis that needs fixing. I need to really look at why I am initially attracted to people like that. I guess that's some more homework for me
Me too. I came to call it the " broken wing syndrom" Others have called it the " Maiden in distress " syndrom.
Whatever it is , I always want to " fix them " and make it all better. this often turns into a responsibility that I grow to dislike over time.
This also lead me to drinking more as I grew to resent the constant pull on my time and the constant need to do for this person even if I disliked what was asked of me or feel guilty and horrible if I didn't.
Or when it was a woman I was attracted to and ended up being in that "friend" corner after she tells me her life story of issues with relationships and men only to go out and find another man just like it again...... AAHHH !
It's still something I'm working through now.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi Newwings-
This is a great topic and probably something we all deal with as we change our lives for the better.
I'm an AA'er and I've met so many great people there, but I totally understand wanting to meet sober people other places too.
I go bowling, bike, and run with a group of people (some AA, some not) and the group is slowly growing, especially on bowling nights
The guy who organizes it is an AA'er, but he also works in a running store, so a lot of the "running" folks come too. It's a good mix and perfect for meeting new people.
A few girls are even starting to show up, so that's a plus!
I'm about as awkard as can be (or at least I feel that way) trying to social sober, especially to girls, so it's good practice
Kjell~
This is a great topic and probably something we all deal with as we change our lives for the better.
I'm an AA'er and I've met so many great people there, but I totally understand wanting to meet sober people other places too.
I go bowling, bike, and run with a group of people (some AA, some not) and the group is slowly growing, especially on bowling nights
The guy who organizes it is an AA'er, but he also works in a running store, so a lot of the "running" folks come too. It's a good mix and perfect for meeting new people.
A few girls are even starting to show up, so that's a plus!
I'm about as awkard as can be (or at least I feel that way) trying to social sober, especially to girls, so it's good practice
Kjell~
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