so anyway...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 86
so anyway...
I'm here even though I have been sober for 2 years now, I still feel confused and anxious. I feel looking back and I know I shouldn't look back, but I hate alcohol, I hate what it did to me, I hate the fact that I let alcohol control me and I missed so many years because I wasn't strong enough to resist alcohol or just say no when I first got offered a drink. I don't know why I thought it was cool to outdo my friends in drinking competitions and stuff like that. I feel my time being sober is just a time full of regrets that I am trying to move on from that just keep haunting me no matter what and it sucks, it absolutely sucks.
I feel like I can't have any joy because the weird thing is, when I was drinking all those years then that was when I was having fun, I was having fun with friends who now don't even talk to me, I lost all my friends and now I feel like I can't have any fun because here you don't get invited anywhere unless you do drink and people call you a snob and that isn't nice and because drinking was when I was only having fun, I feel I don't know how to have fun anymore, I feel I have to be so serious about everything, I feel if I have fun I will turn back into my old ways which ended up not being so fun anyway. I just feel so confused. I just want to move on, I thought even after 2 years I would be fine and the regrets would just disappear but they are still here and I still find myself thinking about things I missed out on during those drinking years and it just makes me sad.
I feel like I can't have any joy because the weird thing is, when I was drinking all those years then that was when I was having fun, I was having fun with friends who now don't even talk to me, I lost all my friends and now I feel like I can't have any fun because here you don't get invited anywhere unless you do drink and people call you a snob and that isn't nice and because drinking was when I was only having fun, I feel I don't know how to have fun anymore, I feel I have to be so serious about everything, I feel if I have fun I will turn back into my old ways which ended up not being so fun anyway. I just feel so confused. I just want to move on, I thought even after 2 years I would be fine and the regrets would just disappear but they are still here and I still find myself thinking about things I missed out on during those drinking years and it just makes me sad.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Hi,
I understand having regrets when you stop drinking. I felt a lot of guilt and shame, and regretted things that I'd missed. But, I gradually made changes in my life. What have you changed in your life besides stopping drinking? I found that stopping drinking was just the beginning of the journey.
I wonder why you think you need to be serious and not have fun? Could it be that you feel like you don't deserve to have fun and to have a good life? Try making one small change in your life, take action and do something fun.
I understand having regrets when you stop drinking. I felt a lot of guilt and shame, and regretted things that I'd missed. But, I gradually made changes in my life. What have you changed in your life besides stopping drinking? I found that stopping drinking was just the beginning of the journey.
I wonder why you think you need to be serious and not have fun? Could it be that you feel like you don't deserve to have fun and to have a good life? Try making one small change in your life, take action and do something fun.
Encourager In Training
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: KS
Posts: 717
Maz - I hear you loud and clear. For the first 18 months following my last drink I was emotionally disabled by residual guilt/regret/shame/etc. To be sure, I wasn't drinking. But, I wasn't fully living either.
I'm currently working a step program based largely on AA's 12 Steps. Like the 12, this program includes two steps whose sole purpose is to deal with the guilt/regret/shame so many of us addicts are left with after the compulsion to use is gone.
Of course there are other ways to accomplish the same goal. Counseling comes to mind, and I'm sure there are many here who can provide alternatives.
I only know your situation from your initial post. But, from those two paragraphs it seems you might benefit from a recovery tool specifically designed to address regret and guilt.
I'm currently working a step program based largely on AA's 12 Steps. Like the 12, this program includes two steps whose sole purpose is to deal with the guilt/regret/shame so many of us addicts are left with after the compulsion to use is gone.
Of course there are other ways to accomplish the same goal. Counseling comes to mind, and I'm sure there are many here who can provide alternatives.
I only know your situation from your initial post. But, from those two paragraphs it seems you might benefit from a recovery tool specifically designed to address regret and guilt.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Hi Maz
good to see you again
I really needed to do more than just not drink too - otherwise I was just left with the person who turned to drink to try and solve his problems...
I had to do some major renovation on myself.
It takes time to build a new life...and it takes time to let go of the past - but we have to.
All that stuff that happened - we can't undo it - but it serves us no good to hang on to it.
You're a christian right? I know God forgives you, so why not try forgiving yourself?
D
good to see you again
I really needed to do more than just not drink too - otherwise I was just left with the person who turned to drink to try and solve his problems...
I had to do some major renovation on myself.
It takes time to build a new life...and it takes time to let go of the past - but we have to.
All that stuff that happened - we can't undo it - but it serves us no good to hang on to it.
You're a christian right? I know God forgives you, so why not try forgiving yourself?
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Maz)) - I agree with ((Anna)). I felt, when I was entering recovery, that I didn't deserve to have fun, that I had hurt so many loved ones, messed up my life so much, that I needed to feel lousy.
In time, I realized that I couldn't erase the past. All I could do is move forward. If people didn't want to accept me as the "new and improved" version, then that is their choice. No one could beat me up more, than I beat myself up.
With time in recovery, I've realized that my "active years" was nothing but a chapter in the book of my life. I've closed that chapter, with recovery, and I've moved on. I've recently reconnected with several friends from the old days...before I was an A. They "found me" on Facebook, a couple years ago but were too ashamed at not being there for me when I was spiraling down?
I told them to let go of that guilt...I wasn't listening to anything but a crack pipe. I've got a little over 4 years in recovery, and it's taken time to let go of the shame, guilt, etc. that I felt about my addiction.
We messed up, but we don't have to beat ourselves over the head about it. The greatest gift I've given to myself is realizing that I'm no longer the person I was when I was in active addiction.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
In time, I realized that I couldn't erase the past. All I could do is move forward. If people didn't want to accept me as the "new and improved" version, then that is their choice. No one could beat me up more, than I beat myself up.
With time in recovery, I've realized that my "active years" was nothing but a chapter in the book of my life. I've closed that chapter, with recovery, and I've moved on. I've recently reconnected with several friends from the old days...before I was an A. They "found me" on Facebook, a couple years ago but were too ashamed at not being there for me when I was spiraling down?
I told them to let go of that guilt...I wasn't listening to anything but a crack pipe. I've got a little over 4 years in recovery, and it's taken time to let go of the shame, guilt, etc. that I felt about my addiction.
We messed up, but we don't have to beat ourselves over the head about it. The greatest gift I've given to myself is realizing that I'm no longer the person I was when I was in active addiction.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Wow...congratulations on TWO years. That's fantastic.
The feelings we have after we quit drinking will always be there to a certain extent. It's like the loss of someone that the pain is always there but you try to live your life around those feelings. Maybe a counselor would help get those feelings out in the open. Then you can deal with them and release them.
It sounds like you almost feel guilty if you have fun now that you aren't drinking with friends. Find new fun, sober fun...fun that you may not have done when you were drinking.
I have come to the realization that all the stupid stuff I did and said and don't remember -will never be forgotten. It will always be a daily gruesome reminder of how not to act. And I do use those reminders daily to continue my quest of sobriety. It's ok to take them out and remember how not to act but don't dwell on them -put them away. I had to develop a new life very quickly since my husband and I separated last August. I had to move on, I had to think about work and all those other responsible things. But the thing I do for fun is groom dogs. My landlord (who is also my friend) was agreeable to me fixing up the basement to groom. I do it when I'm not scheduled to work...point is...find something you like to do and take action. It's even better if you can get paid doing it.
Wishing you peace and strength.
The feelings we have after we quit drinking will always be there to a certain extent. It's like the loss of someone that the pain is always there but you try to live your life around those feelings. Maybe a counselor would help get those feelings out in the open. Then you can deal with them and release them.
It sounds like you almost feel guilty if you have fun now that you aren't drinking with friends. Find new fun, sober fun...fun that you may not have done when you were drinking.
I have come to the realization that all the stupid stuff I did and said and don't remember -will never be forgotten. It will always be a daily gruesome reminder of how not to act. And I do use those reminders daily to continue my quest of sobriety. It's ok to take them out and remember how not to act but don't dwell on them -put them away. I had to develop a new life very quickly since my husband and I separated last August. I had to move on, I had to think about work and all those other responsible things. But the thing I do for fun is groom dogs. My landlord (who is also my friend) was agreeable to me fixing up the basement to groom. I do it when I'm not scheduled to work...point is...find something you like to do and take action. It's even better if you can get paid doing it.
Wishing you peace and strength.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
I think you mentioned previously that you were considering AA but not sure if you belonged there, did you give it a go?
I wasn't a very social drunk towards the end, in fact increasingly anti social, but I can understand how your former friend's attitudes would hurt. Many people find that some relationships become casualties when they become sober, and they have to find new people to hang out with, not always easy to let go but an unfortunate reality of recovery. I involve myself in social activities these days that don't involve drinking, and I know the friendships formed will last.
I'm not always serious in my sobriety, I like to goof around... when I was going to AA, some of the people I met there had the best sense of humor of any I'd ever met. In reading your post, I am wondering if you have had depression as a factor ruled out?
I think when some of us get sober, we have certain expectations of how things are going to be, we think we can just leave certain things behind. But just stopping drinking doesn't resolve all the issues, they are still there. In my case, I found I had a lot of self doubt (just beginning to get past this) and bottled up anger, probably from postponed grief. A counselor was very helpful in dealing with these issues.
I wasn't a very social drunk towards the end, in fact increasingly anti social, but I can understand how your former friend's attitudes would hurt. Many people find that some relationships become casualties when they become sober, and they have to find new people to hang out with, not always easy to let go but an unfortunate reality of recovery. I involve myself in social activities these days that don't involve drinking, and I know the friendships formed will last.
I'm not always serious in my sobriety, I like to goof around... when I was going to AA, some of the people I met there had the best sense of humor of any I'd ever met. In reading your post, I am wondering if you have had depression as a factor ruled out?
I think when some of us get sober, we have certain expectations of how things are going to be, we think we can just leave certain things behind. But just stopping drinking doesn't resolve all the issues, they are still there. In my case, I found I had a lot of self doubt (just beginning to get past this) and bottled up anger, probably from postponed grief. A counselor was very helpful in dealing with these issues.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 86
Originally Posted by Anna 
Hi,
I understand having regrets when you stop drinking. I felt a lot of guilt and shame, and regretted things that I'd missed. But, I gradually made changes in my life. What have you changed in your life besides stopping drinking? I found that stopping drinking was just the beginning of the journey.
I wonder why you think you need to be serious and not have fun? Could it be that you feel like you don't deserve to have fun and to have a good life? Try making one small change in your life, take action and do something fun.
I understand having regrets when you stop drinking. I felt a lot of guilt and shame, and regretted things that I'd missed. But, I gradually made changes in my life. What have you changed in your life besides stopping drinking? I found that stopping drinking was just the beginning of the journey.
I wonder why you think you need to be serious and not have fun? Could it be that you feel like you don't deserve to have fun and to have a good life? Try making one small change in your life, take action and do something fun.
Yes I do think I deserve not to have a fun and a good life, I do not know why, I feel that I need to be perfect and I know that is silly because noone is perfect, but whenever something happens and I don't live up to the expectations I set for myself I feel like I am the worst person in the world for some reason.
As for being serious I don't know, when I stopped drinking, my friends at the time treated me so different and it was like I appeared to them like I was this goody person who never now does anything wrong. It made me quite angry because I felt like I had to be a perfect person.
I am so thankful that I am not the only one who has been through these regret feelings, it's nice to know that I am not alone. I know you can't not change the past only learn from it and grow from it. I know I need to let go and move on and take that a step at a time.
Thanks everyone for your replies.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
