Seeking advice from someone like me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 62
Seeking advice from someone like me
I'm not sure if this is the right place to come with the problem I'm having, but as I sit on a waiting list for a counsellor (although I'm not sure I could ever be this honest with someone sitting right across from me, looking me in the eye), this seems like the most fitting. Please excuse the long post that is about to ensue... I really just need to get it out.
For starters, I'm on Day 22 of refraining from alcohol. The refraining part has been easy... Definitely easier than any attempt thus far. I think something snapped in me the last time I woke up, still drunk, after a blackout night of my mean shenanigans. I really just don't want to be that person anymore, in fact I refuse. I never seem to be that person without the alcohol so it's time it had to go. My actual problem is living life without it. I have found I spend most of my life in the last three weeks just being "present," without actually living. I go to work, I come home, spend time with my daughter, and then I lounge. If my daughter isn't here... I'll spend hours, which turn into days in my bed... Watching Showtime TV. I just went through three seasons of Nurse Jackie as my daughter spent time on sleepovers. The house needs to be cleaned, the laundry is piling up, calls have to be made... and I just keep clicking on to the next episode, acting as though time has stopped.
I recently experienced a break up due to my drinking. Well not so recent now, it has been seven months but we played with the idea of getting back together and then 23 days ago I thought it would be wise to down a couple of bottles of wine and call him. Needless to say, it's over for good. My sobriety is not an attempt to get him back, I know it's over. I'm just trying to make good use of a bad situation and learn from it by avoiding that it happen again with someone else... Like pushing away a good friend or family member... or even more so, my daughter. Regardless of learning from the experience, it's tough and it sort of puts a damper on my spirit.
This is probably going to sound sort of lame and probably why I choose to disclose this on the internet, rather than in person with a counsellor, but there is a part of me that enjoyed the identity I had created with the alcohol. I had a really tough go growing up... I was the kid with the crazy alcoholic mother who had shot her boyfriend. I then went through several foster homes, group homes, treatment facilities, and then to jail as a youth. I did whatever I wanted, I wasn't scared of anyone or anything, most of all consequences... I spent half my time as a runaway. This changed when I became a teenage mother. As a result, I finished school, went to college, and then graduated university. I was one of the kids that had made it, so many others that I grew up with in care have not. I'm definitely one of the lucky ones and I feel fortunate for that every day.
Regardless, growing up like this had its emotional consequences. As much as I have advanced my life more than anyone thought I would, I am someone that people have labelled a little "****** up." While I don't like this title, not being able to NOT be so messed up, I've embraced it. I can't fake that I have it all together so I had accepted that this is just who I am. With that I've sort of adopted this "femme fatal" persona over the years. When I look back to the relationship I just lost, I think about these moments that this part of me came out.... I would get absolutely wasted and treat my partner like utter garbage and try to leave, but he would always chase me. The next morning, I always felt awful but wanted to retreat to my own little world where I would no longer do this to him anymore, but I could still be messed up. I would try to leave him... He would never let me. He let this go on for over a year and a half, and it could happen a couple times a month, sometimes more, before he finally had had enough. In my messed up mind, this was love... This was him showing me how much he had loved me, letting me consistently put him in emotional distress and sticking around. I know that sounds crazy, but its really all I know.
Basically this is my long way of saying, I don't have any idea how to be someone else. I don't know how to just cut those dark parts out of my little soul and allow the light parts to finally shine though. The dark parts have just been such an overwhelming part of my personality for so long that I have no idea who I am without it. I want to wake up in the morning and happily get out of bed... maybe not even happily... just DO it. I don't want to be the messed up girl anymore, but I'm not sure there is room for me to be anybody else.
For starters, I'm on Day 22 of refraining from alcohol. The refraining part has been easy... Definitely easier than any attempt thus far. I think something snapped in me the last time I woke up, still drunk, after a blackout night of my mean shenanigans. I really just don't want to be that person anymore, in fact I refuse. I never seem to be that person without the alcohol so it's time it had to go. My actual problem is living life without it. I have found I spend most of my life in the last three weeks just being "present," without actually living. I go to work, I come home, spend time with my daughter, and then I lounge. If my daughter isn't here... I'll spend hours, which turn into days in my bed... Watching Showtime TV. I just went through three seasons of Nurse Jackie as my daughter spent time on sleepovers. The house needs to be cleaned, the laundry is piling up, calls have to be made... and I just keep clicking on to the next episode, acting as though time has stopped.
I recently experienced a break up due to my drinking. Well not so recent now, it has been seven months but we played with the idea of getting back together and then 23 days ago I thought it would be wise to down a couple of bottles of wine and call him. Needless to say, it's over for good. My sobriety is not an attempt to get him back, I know it's over. I'm just trying to make good use of a bad situation and learn from it by avoiding that it happen again with someone else... Like pushing away a good friend or family member... or even more so, my daughter. Regardless of learning from the experience, it's tough and it sort of puts a damper on my spirit.
This is probably going to sound sort of lame and probably why I choose to disclose this on the internet, rather than in person with a counsellor, but there is a part of me that enjoyed the identity I had created with the alcohol. I had a really tough go growing up... I was the kid with the crazy alcoholic mother who had shot her boyfriend. I then went through several foster homes, group homes, treatment facilities, and then to jail as a youth. I did whatever I wanted, I wasn't scared of anyone or anything, most of all consequences... I spent half my time as a runaway. This changed when I became a teenage mother. As a result, I finished school, went to college, and then graduated university. I was one of the kids that had made it, so many others that I grew up with in care have not. I'm definitely one of the lucky ones and I feel fortunate for that every day.
Regardless, growing up like this had its emotional consequences. As much as I have advanced my life more than anyone thought I would, I am someone that people have labelled a little "****** up." While I don't like this title, not being able to NOT be so messed up, I've embraced it. I can't fake that I have it all together so I had accepted that this is just who I am. With that I've sort of adopted this "femme fatal" persona over the years. When I look back to the relationship I just lost, I think about these moments that this part of me came out.... I would get absolutely wasted and treat my partner like utter garbage and try to leave, but he would always chase me. The next morning, I always felt awful but wanted to retreat to my own little world where I would no longer do this to him anymore, but I could still be messed up. I would try to leave him... He would never let me. He let this go on for over a year and a half, and it could happen a couple times a month, sometimes more, before he finally had had enough. In my messed up mind, this was love... This was him showing me how much he had loved me, letting me consistently put him in emotional distress and sticking around. I know that sounds crazy, but its really all I know.
Basically this is my long way of saying, I don't have any idea how to be someone else. I don't know how to just cut those dark parts out of my little soul and allow the light parts to finally shine though. The dark parts have just been such an overwhelming part of my personality for so long that I have no idea who I am without it. I want to wake up in the morning and happily get out of bed... maybe not even happily... just DO it. I don't want to be the messed up girl anymore, but I'm not sure there is room for me to be anybody else.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
I really understand where you are coming from. I bet a lot of people do. First, the malaise of not drinking. Lots of people on here talk about being bored during the first period of time. I actually have been relapsing/quitting/relapsing and part of that is because I can't stand to watch any more TV. I have to get off the couch. And my pattern is to go out and drink if I'm not working. So, you are better off watching Showtime and should stay there.
The personality thing is also something I understand. I just turned 50 and so far I've been pretty fun. I am scared to death that if I become a teetotaller (sp?) I won't be the life ot he party anymore. That's obvious isn't it.
I absolutely drink because it changes my personality. It's very frightening to face redefining ourselves. We need new friends, new hobbies, new patterns. I can walk into any one of six or eight bars in my area and a "friend" is there. Who am I if I don't have that?
You're ahead of me in sobriety, but I have a lifetime of experience in escapism and I think that eventually you will do the laundry. Eventually things will become real--if you don't return to the patterns. And I'm sure another love is right around the corner. But find yourself first.
The house can wait.
The personality thing is also something I understand. I just turned 50 and so far I've been pretty fun. I am scared to death that if I become a teetotaller (sp?) I won't be the life ot he party anymore. That's obvious isn't it.
I absolutely drink because it changes my personality. It's very frightening to face redefining ourselves. We need new friends, new hobbies, new patterns. I can walk into any one of six or eight bars in my area and a "friend" is there. Who am I if I don't have that?
You're ahead of me in sobriety, but I have a lifetime of experience in escapism and I think that eventually you will do the laundry. Eventually things will become real--if you don't return to the patterns. And I'm sure another love is right around the corner. But find yourself first.
The house can wait.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
I sure do know how you're feeling. I had faked my life for so long, I had no idea who I was underneath all the layers of protection, including alcohol. When I stopped drinking, I felt like I was looking at myself, as I really was, for the first time. And, I wasn't too happy with some of the things I found out about myself.
I don't think it's so much that you need to cut out the dark parts of your soul, but I found I needed to shine the light on the dark parts, in order to heal. I tried to ignore and cover up the dark parts and it didn't work. I had to pull them out and accept them and allow them to heal.
For me, the early evenings were a scary time, so I started going out for long walks and that helped me on so many levels. I have found that everything you choose to do in your life has a ripple effect and builds on itself.
Congratulations on your sobriety and I hope you keep reading and posting.
I don't think it's so much that you need to cut out the dark parts of your soul, but I found I needed to shine the light on the dark parts, in order to heal. I tried to ignore and cover up the dark parts and it didn't work. I had to pull them out and accept them and allow them to heal.
For me, the early evenings were a scary time, so I started going out for long walks and that helped me on so many levels. I have found that everything you choose to do in your life has a ripple effect and builds on itself.
Congratulations on your sobriety and I hope you keep reading and posting.
Servant of God
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Parts Unknown
Posts: 214
I can really identify.
Insight can be a real mother-bleep...
I too had the town loon for a mom. Man did I FEEL judged for that though it was probably always bigger to me than it actually was.
I moved to a new town in the early days of addiction and lived by the saying "never let the truth get in the way of a good story". Couldn't even keep track of what tall tales I told to whom after a while.
I have no answers here for a better way except that the old way doesn't work too well.
Try to enjoy learning about yourself sober.
Insight can be a real mother-bleep...
I too had the town loon for a mom. Man did I FEEL judged for that though it was probably always bigger to me than it actually was.
I moved to a new town in the early days of addiction and lived by the saying "never let the truth get in the way of a good story". Couldn't even keep track of what tall tales I told to whom after a while.
I have no answers here for a better way except that the old way doesn't work too well.
Try to enjoy learning about yourself sober.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Thank you for your beautiful and honest post. I have also had to figure out who I want to be as a sober person.
My path has involved lots of self help books and a life coach....I'm a big believer in therapy
My path has involved lots of self help books and a life coach....I'm a big believer in therapy
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,746
First off, :ghug3
I see a counselor, for three years now, and she's someone I can be honest with. It helps me to talk to a human being face to face once a week and doesn't bother me to talk about intimate things in my life. If you can find a good counselor it could be very good for you and a big help in understanding and changing yourself. I wish you well.
I see a counselor, for three years now, and she's someone I can be honest with. It helps me to talk to a human being face to face once a week and doesn't bother me to talk about intimate things in my life. If you can find a good counselor it could be very good for you and a big help in understanding and changing yourself.
I wish you well. Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 62
Thanks for all the kind words! I have been endlessly searching for anyone to understand what I'm going through inside. I have a lot of great people in my life and they have been wonderful supports for me, but they just don't "get it..." ya know? It's nice to come here and open up to people who have experienced some of the same emotions and situations that I have. Thanks again!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: The Present
Posts: 425
SG
None of what you said sounds lame. I sooo understand the identity thing. I've been off alcohol for a while, but there have had long debating sessions in my house between the "sane, want-to-be-responsible, healthy good me" and the "wild, reckless, irresponsible innebriated wanna-drink-and-i-want-it now" me. The thing that really gets to me is that often find myself veering towards the wild irresponsible me; the one where there's a friend in a nearby bar or a wine estate with baskets of wine, beautiful lunches and convivial laughter. I've reined in the wild child but he still wants to get out. Sobriety for me has been difficult, partly because when I decided to be sober I knew I'd have to do it alone. Because ALL my friends drank. When I stopped, I became predictably sane, sober and responsible. All the time (yawn). However, the sane rational me did persuade me to read excerpts from Under the Influence and watch Rain in My Heart. And a doctor friend told me about alcohol and osophageal varices. And the sane responsible me made me count the wasted hungover days and the lost lives of my friends (and some of my family) during the booze years. But apart from the "debating team" other things happened. New colors, new sounds, a new vibrancy in the air... it's hard to explain... but it was transformational and it even cured depression. Why I am saying this to you? Because i believe these "empty spaces" we go through are part of a longer evolution toward a better happier state of mind and that if you allow the evolution, the light will come in... little by little. Wishing you peace.
None of what you said sounds lame. I sooo understand the identity thing. I've been off alcohol for a while, but there have had long debating sessions in my house between the "sane, want-to-be-responsible, healthy good me" and the "wild, reckless, irresponsible innebriated wanna-drink-and-i-want-it now" me. The thing that really gets to me is that often find myself veering towards the wild irresponsible me; the one where there's a friend in a nearby bar or a wine estate with baskets of wine, beautiful lunches and convivial laughter. I've reined in the wild child but he still wants to get out. Sobriety for me has been difficult, partly because when I decided to be sober I knew I'd have to do it alone. Because ALL my friends drank. When I stopped, I became predictably sane, sober and responsible. All the time (yawn). However, the sane rational me did persuade me to read excerpts from Under the Influence and watch Rain in My Heart. And a doctor friend told me about alcohol and osophageal varices. And the sane responsible me made me count the wasted hungover days and the lost lives of my friends (and some of my family) during the booze years. But apart from the "debating team" other things happened. New colors, new sounds, a new vibrancy in the air... it's hard to explain... but it was transformational and it even cured depression. Why I am saying this to you? Because i believe these "empty spaces" we go through are part of a longer evolution toward a better happier state of mind and that if you allow the evolution, the light will come in... little by little. Wishing you peace.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
Beautiful post, AWOL. It brought a lump to my throat. I was also mourning the loss of the 'wild child' me, until I realized the wild child me was irresponsible, crazy, rude, dangerous, angry, bitter and self absorbed. The fun wild child had been quashed by the evil wild child a long time ago. No more mourning.
Thank you for your beautifully written words.
Thank you for your beautifully written words.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
I am trying to figure who the heck I am too! Since I was 16yrs old and hell before that all I knew was running around doing whatever I wanted. I may have had two parents that were home but that doesn't mean they were "available." I had a wild father and an irritated put-upon mom who couldn's say, "I love you" if a gun was pointed directly at her.
I think the whole push-pull in a relationship situation is a way of avoiding abandonment. I did this in all my relationships including the husband of 17yrs I'm with now. I admited this issue to him just recently and it really made him feel better. He knows it's a major issue and he's taking steps to get himself help too, in not feeding into it. This all in the last 3 days! I just started AA too.
It's amazing what a difference one day will make. I was so hopeless and thought for sure any day now this guy-my hubby was going to leave me or I was going to die. But neither are happening. Now that I'm getting help and I'm opening my eyes to the fact that alcohol was all that defined me for the most part, I realize I need him to help define a new me. He's the father of my child and I know we got together for some common reasons and we do enjoy our time together. Hell I even love him. So why the push-pull? I think it was the, "I'm going to leave you before you leave me."
Well this is at least what I think about all this. Who I am and what I like is a mystery to me. I have to wait to see what unfolds when my mind is clear for a while.
I'm glad you are sober and watching tv is better than poisoning your body. If you are depressed and lonely there is always AA. Keep your chin up. You've lived a life-time already compared to most! Be kind to yourself.
I think the whole push-pull in a relationship situation is a way of avoiding abandonment. I did this in all my relationships including the husband of 17yrs I'm with now. I admited this issue to him just recently and it really made him feel better. He knows it's a major issue and he's taking steps to get himself help too, in not feeding into it. This all in the last 3 days! I just started AA too.
It's amazing what a difference one day will make. I was so hopeless and thought for sure any day now this guy-my hubby was going to leave me or I was going to die. But neither are happening. Now that I'm getting help and I'm opening my eyes to the fact that alcohol was all that defined me for the most part, I realize I need him to help define a new me. He's the father of my child and I know we got together for some common reasons and we do enjoy our time together. Hell I even love him. So why the push-pull? I think it was the, "I'm going to leave you before you leave me."
Well this is at least what I think about all this. Who I am and what I like is a mystery to me. I have to wait to see what unfolds when my mind is clear for a while.
I'm glad you are sober and watching tv is better than poisoning your body. If you are depressed and lonely there is always AA.
Keep your chin up. You've lived a life-time already compared to most! Be kind to yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 62
Totally agree with what newwings has to say...
What you wrote AWOL was EXACTLY what I was trying to say.... The debating between the two persona's... The "yawn" over the "newer" responsible you. I have always been an attractive, intelligent, woman with this "crazy" mysterious side. It has kept me interesting and alluring... with the men in my life almost romanticising how difficult it has been to stay apart of my life. Probably from their need to "fix" me, the chase I give them, or the "wild" times we have. However like newwings mentioned -- it turned from being all of these things to me just being plain ol' being irresponsible, self-absorbed, rude, mean, etc. Not only do people grow tired of being treated this way, I have grown tired with my own antics treating people this way.
With that said, what makes me interesting now?? That's what I need to find.
What you wrote AWOL was EXACTLY what I was trying to say.... The debating between the two persona's... The "yawn" over the "newer" responsible you. I have always been an attractive, intelligent, woman with this "crazy" mysterious side. It has kept me interesting and alluring... with the men in my life almost romanticising how difficult it has been to stay apart of my life. Probably from their need to "fix" me, the chase I give them, or the "wild" times we have. However like newwings mentioned -- it turned from being all of these things to me just being plain ol' being irresponsible, self-absorbed, rude, mean, etc. Not only do people grow tired of being treated this way, I have grown tired with my own antics treating people this way.
With that said, what makes me interesting now?? That's what I need to find.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 62
1undone you're exactly right. I have these push-pull relationships with everyone in my life, except for my daughter (thankfully). I too, have one of those mothers and luckily I learned from it and have raised her in a much different way. I have always assumed that I am just incapable of relationships with others -- but over the past ten years I have made some pretty good ones with girlfriends that have stuck by me through thick and thin. Now when I'm being stupid and insecure, I am able to catch myself. This gives me hope that perhaps one day I will be able to put it into practice with a romantic relationship with a man. First step... NOT DRINKING. haha
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
