Starting Over Again And Feel Ashamed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
Starting Over Again And Feel Ashamed
I don't even know what to write. How many times do I keep succumbing to the beast alcohol? I have been on and off (and mostly off) the wagon for about 6 months now, never putting together more than a couple of weeks dry. Periodically, I'll have a one- or two-day binge, and I miss a day or so of work.
Just this past week, I couldn't take the pressure at work anymore. I had done everything I could think of to let my boss know I needed help. As of January, I was scheduled to be in 2 courtrooms at once every other week. I found that impossible, not to mention impossible to do adequate preparation. I tried to explain to my boss the situation. He told me to "step up." Step up? Eventually, the binges and panic attacks started happening like clockwork: 2-3 days before the day that I was to be in 2 different courtrooms at the same time. Seriously, I was going insane. I finally had it and resigned on Wednesday. And continued with a binge that started Tuesday night on into the wee hours of Friday morning.
My husband doesn't know how often I've been sneaking booze. He does know how frustrated I was at work. I felt like I was set up to fail, which I did. In my heart, I know that if I had stayed the course with AA that I would have handled the situation better. That is one of the products of following the 12 steps. Now I have to go back, like I am coming back here, head low and tail between my legs and hope that someone believes that I can make it, because I don't hold that belief right now. I do have a glimmer of hope.
Just this past week, I couldn't take the pressure at work anymore. I had done everything I could think of to let my boss know I needed help. As of January, I was scheduled to be in 2 courtrooms at once every other week. I found that impossible, not to mention impossible to do adequate preparation. I tried to explain to my boss the situation. He told me to "step up." Step up? Eventually, the binges and panic attacks started happening like clockwork: 2-3 days before the day that I was to be in 2 different courtrooms at the same time. Seriously, I was going insane. I finally had it and resigned on Wednesday. And continued with a binge that started Tuesday night on into the wee hours of Friday morning.
My husband doesn't know how often I've been sneaking booze. He does know how frustrated I was at work. I felt like I was set up to fail, which I did. In my heart, I know that if I had stayed the course with AA that I would have handled the situation better. That is one of the products of following the 12 steps. Now I have to go back, like I am coming back here, head low and tail between my legs and hope that someone believes that I can make it, because I don't hold that belief right now. I do have a glimmer of hope.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Welcome Lilac. Everything you did to let your boss know included sitting him down and talking to him?
I have been finding that that is the best way anymore. People aren't mind readers and I'm learning to be honest and open with people.
I lost my job over drinking so I know how you feel about all that. My new job is great. But I had heard something at work and decided it best to go right to the mamager and ask him. He was happy I came directly to him because what I heard was a lie. I am glad I asked and its off my mind.
Stick around here...great advice, life experience and support.
I have been finding that that is the best way anymore. People aren't mind readers and I'm learning to be honest and open with people.
I lost my job over drinking so I know how you feel about all that. My new job is great. But I had heard something at work and decided it best to go right to the mamager and ask him. He was happy I came directly to him because what I heard was a lie. I am glad I asked and its off my mind.
Stick around here...great advice, life experience and support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Oregon
Posts: 212
Hi Lilac, I hope you can let go of the shame and feel pride that you are are still in the fight! Everyday we strive for sobriety is a day to celebrate. I have been on the relapse rollercoaster as well and I know how hard it is to go back to AA and admit we are starting over again. But it is our life and our recovery....
As scary as it probably is to have resigned from your job, I bet you will find it is the best thing you could have done for yourself. Congrats!
good luck to you.
As scary as it probably is to have resigned from your job, I bet you will find it is the best thing you could have done for yourself. Congrats!
good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: somewhere, tx
Posts: 128
Hello!
You wrote that you've been sneaking booze past your husband...are you sure he doesn't know? Sometimes when we're in the midst of living a lie through addiction, we think that we are fooling the world, when we're only fooling ourselves.
Congrats on the courage to resign from your job to deal with this problem--I'm positive that once you've licked the alcohol that you'll find a much better one, but for now, just for today, please stay sober. And please keep posting here!
Congrats on the courage to resign from your job to deal with this problem--I'm positive that once you've licked the alcohol that you'll find a much better one, but for now, just for today, please stay sober. And please keep posting here!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,944
Originally Posted by lilac0721 
I don't even know what to write. How many times do I keep succumbing to the beast alcohol? I have been on and off (and mostly off) the wagon for about 6 months now, never putting together more than a couple of weeks dry. Periodically, I'll have a one- or two-day binge, and I miss a day or so of work.
Just this past week, I couldn't take the pressure at work anymore. I had done everything I could think of to let my boss know I needed help. As of January, I was scheduled to be in 2 courtrooms at once every other week. I found that impossible, not to mention impossible to do adequate preparation. I tried to explain to my boss the situation. He told me to "step up." Step up? Eventually, the binges and panic attacks started happening like clockwork: 2-3 days before the day that I was to be in 2 different courtrooms at the same time. Seriously, I was going insane. I finally had it and resigned on Wednesday. And continued with a binge that started Tuesday night on into the wee hours of Friday morning.
My husband doesn't know how often I've been sneaking booze. He does know how frustrated I was at work. I felt like I was set up to fail, which I did. In my heart, I know that if I had stayed the course with AA that I would have handled the situation better. That is one of the products of following the 12 steps. Now I have to go back, like I am coming back here, head low and tail between my legs and hope that someone believes that I can make it, because I don't hold that belief right now. I do have a glimmer of hope.
Just this past week, I couldn't take the pressure at work anymore. I had done everything I could think of to let my boss know I needed help. As of January, I was scheduled to be in 2 courtrooms at once every other week. I found that impossible, not to mention impossible to do adequate preparation. I tried to explain to my boss the situation. He told me to "step up." Step up? Eventually, the binges and panic attacks started happening like clockwork: 2-3 days before the day that I was to be in 2 different courtrooms at the same time. Seriously, I was going insane. I finally had it and resigned on Wednesday. And continued with a binge that started Tuesday night on into the wee hours of Friday morning.
My husband doesn't know how often I've been sneaking booze. He does know how frustrated I was at work. I felt like I was set up to fail, which I did. In my heart, I know that if I had stayed the course with AA that I would have handled the situation better. That is one of the products of following the 12 steps. Now I have to go back, like I am coming back here, head low and tail between my legs and hope that someone believes that I can make it, because I don't hold that belief right now. I do have a glimmer of hope.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi lilac - I'm so sorry things have been so hard for you lately. I can't imagine having the kind of job you described, especially in early sobriety.
Maybe this will turn out to be a good thing - I hope so! Give yourself some time to regroup and think about what YOU need and want. Don't get down on yourself - you can choose a new beginning. You just came to a breaking point and couldn't go on. It happens that way sometimes.
Go to some meetings and share - I know it's hard, but you'll feel better and you're helping others by doing so. Last, but not least - One Day At A Time.......:ghug3
Maybe this will turn out to be a good thing - I hope so! Give yourself some time to regroup and think about what YOU need and want. Don't get down on yourself - you can choose a new beginning. You just came to a breaking point and couldn't go on. It happens that way sometimes.
Go to some meetings and share - I know it's hard, but you'll feel better and you're helping others by doing so. Last, but not least - One Day At A Time.......:ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
Originally Posted by EmeraldRose
Welcome Lilac. Everything you did to let your boss know included sitting him down and talking to him?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
Everyone here has provided some great, much-needed encouragement and wisdom, and thank you!
As I think about what I was dealing with at work, I realize that there probably wasn't anything more I could do. I even got the office manager, who normally has nothing to do with attorney matters in a DA's office, discuss the scheduling situation with the boss. It got to the point that the judges were willing to juggle THEIR schedules to accomodate me, though it only eased up a little because when there is a 3-day juvenile trial I am still double-booked because the county court docket requires daily presence in that court.
I am also heartened because several of the local criminal defense attorneys have contacted me to tell me they think very highly of the work I do and are amazed that I was able to last as long as I did with the DA who took offfice in January. I guess that I am not the only person who has had serious issues with how he practices law and deals with dockets. One attorney, who has been in practice for nearly 30 years, is lnetworking on my behalf and thinks I'll have a new position very soon. I only had one trial against him, but I guess I made a good impression. This really can only lead to a better position and more solid sobriety. I hope...
As I think about what I was dealing with at work, I realize that there probably wasn't anything more I could do. I even got the office manager, who normally has nothing to do with attorney matters in a DA's office, discuss the scheduling situation with the boss. It got to the point that the judges were willing to juggle THEIR schedules to accomodate me, though it only eased up a little because when there is a 3-day juvenile trial I am still double-booked because the county court docket requires daily presence in that court.
I am also heartened because several of the local criminal defense attorneys have contacted me to tell me they think very highly of the work I do and are amazed that I was able to last as long as I did with the DA who took offfice in January. I guess that I am not the only person who has had serious issues with how he practices law and deals with dockets. One attorney, who has been in practice for nearly 30 years, is lnetworking on my behalf and thinks I'll have a new position very soon. I only had one trial against him, but I guess I made a good impression. This really can only lead to a better position and more solid sobriety. I hope...
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,911
Resigning from your job was probably a difficult decison but it sounds like it may be a blessing in disguise, long term. If you can afford it, take at least 6 weeks off and focus on "you." Go to AA, maybe consider an intensive out-patient program, or even try an inpatient rehab.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 24
I had to do the same thing. My job was stressful, and it seemed that every other week there was a special "happy hour" to which I was meant to go to. I don't think I would ever achieve sobriety having stayed there.
After quitting I maintained sobriety for 30+ days, but the disease did push-ups while I didn't. Now I'm back to square one. AA has been so helpful to me and I hope it is for you.
Best to you!!!
After quitting I maintained sobriety for 30+ days, but the disease did push-ups while I didn't. Now I'm back to square one. AA has been so helpful to me and I hope it is for you.
Best to you!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: TN
Posts: 162
I am also heartened because several of the local criminal defense attorneys have contacted me to tell me they think very highly of the work I do and are amazed that I was able to last as long as I did with the DA who took offfice in January. I guess that I am not the only person who has had serious issues with how he practices law and deals with dockets. One attorney, who has been in practice for nearly 30 years, is lnetworking on my behalf and thinks I'll have a new position very soon. I only had one trial against him, but I guess I made a good impression. This really can only lead to a better position and more solid sobriety. I hope...
Welcome to SR, Lilac. Let me start by advising you to immediately get involved in Colorado's LAP. What I sense from your post, as well as my personal experiences, is that the job wasn't the main issue. The practice of law is one of the most stressful occupations out there. The rate of substance abuse among legal professional is greater than double that of the population. I believe this is because many highly functional alcoholics/addicts are attracted to the practice of law due to the perceived status, ego-enhancement, ability to control situations, etc. Also, the local bar associations encourage it. Almost all bar functions center around the use of alcohol. I don't know where you are at in your recovery, but I can tell you that the LAP in Colorado can help. They are there to support and advocate for you, and are completely confidential as to the BPR.
After passing the TN bar, I opened a solo practice and was immediately successful. I had also been an alcoholic for over 10 years. I had put together 5 years sober time, but relapsed in my 3L and couldn't get it going again. When I started to practice the stress of dealing with all client issues, being a perfectionist, working sometimes 48 hours straight, getting accolades from atty's, clients and judges, made me feel that I was not only entitled to drink, needed to drink, but that it was just a part of the lifestyle. This threw everything into a tail-spin. I was ablee to keep the practice together, kept submitting good work, kept working crazy hours, but my appearance and lifestyle suffered. I didn't exercise and was frequently exhausted. I was frequently late for court and ill from drinking the night before. I would sometimes work until late at night, walk next door to the bar and drink till closing, walk back to the office and sleep it off until 6:00am, then go home, shower, go back to the office and start it all over. I was miserable but couldn't break the cycle. After multiple dui arrests, I finally went to long-term treatment and shut the practice down to get away from it all. The BPR suspended my license (which they should have), I'm currently dealing with the legal consequences of my actions, as well as bankruptcy, etc.
My point is, if you are an alcoholic, don't think that it was simply the stress of the job that was complicating your life. Most ADA positions are coveted, but obviously stressful. I would hazard a guess that regardless of what type of law you practice, or even if you practice law, if you don't take some steps to address the reason why you drink as you do, IF, in fact you are a alcoholic, then you will continue to experience the same stress and crisis...probably just not to the same degree.
Sorry to have gotten on my soap-box, but I know exactly where you have been. I intend to practice law again in the future, but I won't do it the same way that I did...and I cannot even attempt to do so while I am actively drinking. Law is one of a hand-full of occupations where you can lose the ability to even attempt to work in your chosen field because you are an alcoholic and (a) can't adequately perform the job, (b) have criminal issues, (c) commit some other ethically questionable act. Now, I can see that it should be regulated to this degree, as when I shut my practice down it affected not only dozens of my clients, but also adverse parties, opposing counsel and the schedules of the courts. If there is any advice that I can give to help, let me know. My situation escalated quickly and will have some bad consequences. Your's doesn't have to.
Welcome to SR, Lilac. Let me start by advising you to immediately get involved in Colorado's LAP. What I sense from your post, as well as my personal experiences, is that the job wasn't the main issue. The practice of law is one of the most stressful occupations out there. The rate of substance abuse among legal professional is greater than double that of the population. I believe this is because many highly functional alcoholics/addicts are attracted to the practice of law due to the perceived status, ego-enhancement, ability to control situations, etc. Also, the local bar associations encourage it. Almost all bar functions center around the use of alcohol. I don't know where you are at in your recovery, but I can tell you that the LAP in Colorado can help. They are there to support and advocate for you, and are completely confidential as to the BPR.
After passing the TN bar, I opened a solo practice and was immediately successful. I had also been an alcoholic for over 10 years. I had put together 5 years sober time, but relapsed in my 3L and couldn't get it going again. When I started to practice the stress of dealing with all client issues, being a perfectionist, working sometimes 48 hours straight, getting accolades from atty's, clients and judges, made me feel that I was not only entitled to drink, needed to drink, but that it was just a part of the lifestyle. This threw everything into a tail-spin. I was ablee to keep the practice together, kept submitting good work, kept working crazy hours, but my appearance and lifestyle suffered. I didn't exercise and was frequently exhausted. I was frequently late for court and ill from drinking the night before. I would sometimes work until late at night, walk next door to the bar and drink till closing, walk back to the office and sleep it off until 6:00am, then go home, shower, go back to the office and start it all over. I was miserable but couldn't break the cycle. After multiple dui arrests, I finally went to long-term treatment and shut the practice down to get away from it all. The BPR suspended my license (which they should have), I'm currently dealing with the legal consequences of my actions, as well as bankruptcy, etc.
My point is, if you are an alcoholic, don't think that it was simply the stress of the job that was complicating your life. Most ADA positions are coveted, but obviously stressful. I would hazard a guess that regardless of what type of law you practice, or even if you practice law, if you don't take some steps to address the reason why you drink as you do, IF, in fact you are a alcoholic, then you will continue to experience the same stress and crisis...probably just not to the same degree.
Sorry to have gotten on my soap-box, but I know exactly where you have been. I intend to practice law again in the future, but I won't do it the same way that I did...and I cannot even attempt to do so while I am actively drinking. Law is one of a hand-full of occupations where you can lose the ability to even attempt to work in your chosen field because you are an alcoholic and (a) can't adequately perform the job, (b) have criminal issues, (c) commit some other ethically questionable act. Now, I can see that it should be regulated to this degree, as when I shut my practice down it affected not only dozens of my clients, but also adverse parties, opposing counsel and the schedules of the courts. If there is any advice that I can give to help, let me know. My situation escalated quickly and will have some bad consequences. Your's doesn't have to.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Welcome Lilac,
I think resigning from your job was a good thing to do.
I also had to make some big changes in my life when I began recovery and it's definitely important to look at things and people in your life that are toxic.
I think resigning from your job was a good thing to do.
I also had to make some big changes in my life when I began recovery and it's definitely important to look at things and people in your life that are toxic.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Just wanted to say hi and please be patient with yourself. The best thing to do as others have said and as I have heard being new to AA is to get to a meeting ASAP. The love and support I've gotten in the last two days from these complete strangers has given me hope I've never had. You can do it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
@BHF,
WOW. Yep, you are right about the profession. I can't help but wonder if I would have been better equipped to set better boundaries (NO, boss, seriously, I am only ONE human being and it is impossible to do what you are asking) if I had been active in recovery rather than trying to escape the helplessness through drinking. It doesn't matter now.
I will contact Colorado Lawyers Helping Lawyers. All the meetings are in Denver (far away from here), but I think they set up phone meetings recently. My heart goes out to you and my hat is off to you for admitting you have a problem, and it sounds like you are on your way to becoming a much happier, productive person (and lawyer, when that time comes).
Luckily, the bar here in SW CO is very very small and DA's weren't part of it. Few events actually involve drinking (one of our three judges here is a teetotaler, so our meetings are over lunch). Not sure what bar association events are like in the "big" town of Durango to the east, but I'd be willing to bet there are others just like me.
WOW. Yep, you are right about the profession. I can't help but wonder if I would have been better equipped to set better boundaries (NO, boss, seriously, I am only ONE human being and it is impossible to do what you are asking) if I had been active in recovery rather than trying to escape the helplessness through drinking. It doesn't matter now.
I will contact Colorado Lawyers Helping Lawyers. All the meetings are in Denver (far away from here), but I think they set up phone meetings recently. My heart goes out to you and my hat is off to you for admitting you have a problem, and it sounds like you are on your way to becoming a much happier, productive person (and lawyer, when that time comes).
Luckily, the bar here in SW CO is very very small and DA's weren't part of it. Few events actually involve drinking (one of our three judges here is a teetotaler, so our meetings are over lunch). Not sure what bar association events are like in the "big" town of Durango to the east, but I'd be willing to bet there are others just like me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 64
Lilac , you have lots of company on the "What back here again?" experience. It always strikes the deepest at the time I stop a binge and face the withdrawal...but not so silly the last few times and went to my Dr.
I could always find a reason to drink through many jobs so I kind of think BHF might have some wisdom above.Luckily I did not lose everything including the great job I have but which I can hate in a flash under the influence. The lucky part of that is I work for a solid guy who knows when overload has arrived or when it will arrive and allows his staff to pace , quickly but pace at a rate so we don't burn out. It helps him as a hiring freeze is on and we have few people and lots of work. Someone asking way too much is a set up to fail , been there , left the job luckily or I may have gone really down hill.
Take some time , sounds like you have good contacts. Re-embrace AA, I have gone back after being out more than a few times. The good people simply welcome you back and want to help. They have step 12 well underway.
I have some tough stuff coming up in my personal life but the last thing I can do is to fall into my own traps which i seem to have a talent for.
Best wishes and hope things turn a corner in your favor.
I could always find a reason to drink through many jobs so I kind of think BHF might have some wisdom above.Luckily I did not lose everything including the great job I have but which I can hate in a flash under the influence. The lucky part of that is I work for a solid guy who knows when overload has arrived or when it will arrive and allows his staff to pace , quickly but pace at a rate so we don't burn out. It helps him as a hiring freeze is on and we have few people and lots of work. Someone asking way too much is a set up to fail , been there , left the job luckily or I may have gone really down hill.
Take some time , sounds like you have good contacts. Re-embrace AA, I have gone back after being out more than a few times. The good people simply welcome you back and want to help. They have step 12 well underway.
I have some tough stuff coming up in my personal life but the last thing I can do is to fall into my own traps which i seem to have a talent for.
Best wishes and hope things turn a corner in your favor.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 259
Originally Posted by Dee74
Welcome back Lilac
I think going back to AA is a good plan - why not go with something you felt worked?
D
I think going back to AA is a good plan - why not go with something you felt worked?
D
as always..
Whatever works is always a good plan
regards
L
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