dstat

Greetings

I'm an IT professional who has been a heavy-drinking but functional alcoholic for the last few years. I've known for a while that I was dependent on alcohol to get to sleep, but in the last 6-12 months it has become much more serious. I never used to drink during the day, but now I have to almost every single day.

A year ago I started getting weird tension in the back of my neck and tingles in my scalp. I thought it was tension headaches. I tried all kinds of painkillers for them and nothing helped.

One day after a heavy night of drinking (2 bottles of wine on a weeknight) I had somewhat of a panic attack in the morning at work. I felt shaky and tense and sweaty all morning, and had to breathe into a paper bag to stop from hyperventilating. Later, still feeling pretty shaky, I went to the pub for lunch with friends. After drinking a beer, I noticed these symptoms disappeared almost completely.

Fast forward a few months: I would regularly sneak out at lunchtime to get a drink to calm my nerves. Over the last 6 months, I've changed to a much more stressful job and now it seems I need to have alcohol on me at all times in case of emergencies. I'm routinely drinking 4-5 standard drinks during the day at work just to stay calm. Most days I can make it to midday without a drink, but not much further.

I have a long and extremely important meeting at 9am tomorrow, and I know that I will need to have at least 1-2 drinks before that meeting just so I don't have an anxiety attack. I may even need to sneak out after an hour or so to have another nip.

So after much research and trials of various OTC remedies for anxiety (none of which have worked anywhere near as well as alcohol) I've found myself on this forum.

Last week I saw an addiction specialist and he recommended hospitalization+detox for at least 7 days, but has told me not to quit cold turkey in the meantime. Unfortunately due to the nature of my job I can't afford to take any leave in the near future, so for now I am attempting to taper down. I think I'm at about 14 standard drinks a day right now, down from about 21. I hope to get this down to 10-11 per day in the next week.

I know tapering unlikely to work but I'm mainly trying to alleviate my horrible withdrawal anxiety in the short term and to gradually train my brain not to fire so much goddamn adrenalin when I'm faced with mildly stressful situations.

I look forward to scouring these forums for others who have been in my position, and for tips and techniques to help lessen the pain of withdrawal. And hell, in a few weeks maybe I'll just bite the bullet and put my career in jeopardy by deciding to check myself into hospital

BackToSquareOne

That's what alcohol does, it acts as a sedative but when it wears off everything gets thrown into reverse, hence the hypervigilance. A doctor could prescribe something to ease the withdrawal, probably a better solution then trying to taper.

dstat

Indeed, it has been fascinating reading up on GABA receptors and the way the body adapts to regular alcohol intake, and how it reacts when this is withdrawn. I finally understand now what it means when people say that alcoholism is a progressive disease. Over the last year or so, I've progressively trained my nervous system to rely on a near constant supply of alcohol in the bloodstream.

I feel pretty stupid about letting it get this bad. I don't even particularly like drinking, I just needed a few drinks in the evening to help me sleep. Gradually, I needed more and more. Now I don't even get drunk, I don't have fun, I just get a bit relaxed. When it wasn't affecting me at work I could justify it to myself, but now it's at the point where I could lose my career.

The doctor won't prescribe anything until he gets the results of my blood tests, however I'm so freaked out by hospitals and needles I think I would need to be hammered to even step foot in the place.... so I have been avoiding getting the test done. Even then, he is not comfortable prescribing anxiolytic (benzo) medication unsupervised. The only thing he said he would give me is naltrexone. If I want benzos for withdrawal, he said I need to go into supervised detox.

Dee74

Welcome dstat

Tapering never worked for me - if I could have controlled my alcohol intake, I wouldn't have had a problem.

That's a significant amount of alcohol you're talking about - even if you manage the taper, 10-11 is still way over the odds - I know your job is important, but surely your health and well being is important too?

I'm sure you understand - but take it from me...detox is not something to take lightly.

I'd give more thought to what your Dr suggested dstat - it really is in your best interests.

D

Bikeguy

Your drinking story sounds very similar to mine, it only gets worse my friend. You said you can't afford to take time off work, I would argue how can you not afford too, this is your life and alcohol will kill you if you allow it too. I tried the whole tapering thing too, I could last for about 2 days and then I would be right back to my old drinking levels. Do yourself a favor, check into detox now and confront your problem head on. Good luck and take care of yourself.

FBL

I had severe panic attacks towards the end of my 30-year drinking career. I finally flipped out at work and had to go to the emergency room. It was there that the light went on for me and I knew I had to quit for good. The doctor prescribed some anti-anxiety medication and warned me about the dangers of sudden withdrawl. Luckily, my withdrawl symptoms were pretty minor (night sweats was the biggest issue) and I was able to get off the meds after about 2 months. Turns out it was all due to the alcohol and I haven't had any anxiety/panic problems since. Just my experience.

SSIL75

I really think detox is your best option. what do you mean by you 'can't afford' it (financially or time wise?). What would you do if you had appendicitis? Some things just have to get done. I am thinking you don't mean financially but if you do there are ways around that.

Please keep us posted. So many of us have been where you are. The anxiety was paralyzing.

dstat

Thanks guys

I agree that a inpatient detox would be the best way to deal with this, but as a contractor I am paid daily, if I don't work I don't get paid, and on top of the costs of staying in a hospital I wouldn't have any income. From what I've read about PAWS etc, it doesn't seem to me that I could spend a week in detox and be back on board at work functioning normally the following week. More likely I would need a month off work. Financially speaking, that's just not doable for me right now.

A friend of a friend gave me three clomazepams (spelling?) a few weeks ago. This guy seems to be prescribed all kinds of crazy meds, and I really don't wanna end up like him. But I must admit, the three mornings I took those pills I had no need to drink until late afternoon/evening.

I think I'm young and healthy enough to get over this without major complications. I should probably just go and get my blood tests done, see my addiction specialist again, get some naltrexone prescribed, and save up some money for a week or two in detox. Maybe I can tell people at work I have appendicitis

SSIL75

I have been in phases (benders) where I drank that much and did manage to taper down to a more... functional level I guess. When I quit did a one day taper to get me from my hangover to the next day. It had been virtually impossible for me to quit when I was hungover.

So it's not that I think it's literally impossible to do what you're looking to do. Just in retrospect IDK if it was my finest plan. And now (8 mos sober) I can say with confidence that the main reason I didn't get help was I didn't want it on my medical record. I was ashamed. Maybe did I want an 'out' to relapse too? A lack of accountability IRL? Maybe.

LaFemme

Hi estate and welcome to SR...you can learn a lot here And its a great place for support. I understand you are still considering your detox options and I guess tapering is better than nothing until you have that figured out.

I had severe anxiety when I drank....have not had any for 10 months now....getting sober will be the best thing you can do for yourself.

IamAlcoholic

Can I ask how you cover up the smell of alcohol from your breath? My wife says she can still smell alcohol after two days when I've had a bender. Perhaps your work already knows but haven't said anything to you? Save the money you'd spend on alcohol for the week and take time off to get into detox mate.

RyanRed

Yeah your in a bit of a pickle here. You will surely need more then a weekend to detox. I drank a 5th a vodka a day until I got sober 2 weeks ago. So I know that anxiety all to well. And of course whats causing it is your body having small withdrawals.

I personally went cold turkey, and there is no way I could have done that on a weekend. It took me a week to feel better again.

Maybe you can take a medical leave with pay? I mean when you think about, your drinking on the job. And I'm quite sure thats terms for termination if you are caught. In reality your gambling with your career's future. So my advice is to figure out a plan asap before it gets worse and worse. Because from my personal experience, that path your head down only gets narrower and harder to see - until the path is gone your completely lost. I was walking on a tight rope a few weeks ago, so I know. That anxiety became so fierce I was sometimes scared to leave the house! Thats a scary place to be in let me tell you!

Stay strong bud!

-Ryan

snowdog

Dstat- I started having panic attacks when my drinking was at my worst. After only maybe 30 days sober I couldn't believe how the anxiety had disappeared. I drank to relieve my anxiety never dreaming the alcohol was making the anxiety worse. It is a terrible cycle. I understand feeling as though you can't take time off work. Your doctor can definitely give you something to help with your anxiety while you get off the alcohol.

Good luck to you!!
SD

Anna

I was getting debilitating panic attacks from my drinking too. I had experienced panic attacks for years before I started drinking, but the alcohol made everything so much worse.

As others have said, tapering never worked for me, though I spent at least year determined to make it work, and getting worse in the end. I do hope that you take the time you need to get well.

soberforbaby

Hey dstat

That drug you mentioned is called Clonazepam. My doctor prescribed me some when I quit drinking because I was a nervous wreck. I couldn't breath at nigh either.

It helped me a bunch.

Just FYI.

I've only been sober since sunday night so I am no expert.

Good luck.

stanleyhouse

The only way to be free is to get free of the physical addiction to alcohol. You need time to do that and treatment. Right now you are probably in a cycle of alcohol poisoning and severe withdrawals. I should know I was there. Your life and quality of life is more important than any job, money or appearance. Getting on the board and seeing the doctor was the first step, tapering the second, treatment the third. Save your life.
SH

StPeteGrad

Dstat-
You sound like you're similar to me just 90+ days ago (same industry too).

For me, I had to go ALL IN to recover. I was drinking much the way you are currently. I was able to detox at home under the care of a doctor. However, I needed a full week to get over the detox. Therefore, I wasn't working either. I then checked myself in to a treatment center to really get well.

The work and money thing might be a "pickle" but those that have seen my posts here know I'm not one to be satisfied by excuses and half measures. There are quite a few people I know in AA that self-detoxed (hopefully with dr. supervision) and then did the 90 meetings in 90 days scenario. There's no reason you can't work and do both. If you have a day off- hit 3-4 meetings. Get to know people. Create your own program of recovery. There are enough of us in those halls that have been through treatment we can certainly impart much of what we've learned to others - that's what AA is all about.

Best of luck to you. You can do it if get tired of excuses. We all can.

c49

Similar story with all too familiar results.

I had all the very real excuses that you also have. But I just couldnt deal with the insane anxiety and the growing need for alcohol to contain it anymore.

It just takes a leap of faith to go to detox. And when you leave make sure you eat drink and breath some recovery program.

Figure out the finances after detox... 5 to 7 days... You will eventually lose more than that trying to maintain your current alcoholism. Doesnt matter what you drink -- Alcohol smells and some peoples' noses are very sensitive to the smell. Some employers have zero tolerance.

All of us that took that leap of faith wish we took it sooner!!

dstat

Nobody has says anything but unfortunately here in Australia we have a drinking culture. A young male who goes out drinking every night, parties hard, makes good money and excels at his job is considered a success. So there's a level of tolerance here - so long as I'm functional and get the job done, noone would say anything. In fact at my last company our senior salesman was a lifelong alcoholic and he was considered one of the best in the game. It was funny to watch him putting in eyedrops before every client meeting, and everyone just thought it was normal. He drinks, he gets clients drunk, he closes huge sales. What's the problem?

I have tax bills to pay back which means my flow of income has to be pretty constant. I need at least a few months before that will be dealt with. I suppose I could get an extension on my payment plan for medical reasons (I have done this before for a week or two, due to stress-related mental illness)

I am determined to get my blood tests done and to go back to speak to my doctor. He will likely prescribe naltrexone which, from what I have read, will not really help with the anxiety. It may help me to taper in the short term however. I have a source online for cheap naltrexone but I think it would be best to make sure my liver is ok before introducing new substances.

Thanks for all the feedback, you all sound like the voices in the back of my head I keep trying to debate with

StPeteGrad

I can certainly appreciate that sentiment. It's part of got me where I ended up. But it will eventually bite you in the ass once you've passed that line.

I tried to set up an industry conference at a strip club and invited the CEOs of two companies to help pay for it- I was drunk working late at night and thought it was an "awesome and novel idea."

The next day I was called into my boss's office. Verbally reprimanded, told how others could smell alcohol on me at all times and that I need to figure something out pretty quick.

Now that I'm sober, I'm much more thoughtful in my actions and thorough in my follow through.

Obviously, it's your call. I can only tell you how it ended for me and numerous other people I know.