Kjell

Hi Missy-

I had to change my people, places, and things to stay sober. I could get sober easy enough, but to stay sober, that took a lot of work and a lot of sacrificies.

Are you willing to do whatever it takes?

Kjell~

Dee74

Lots of great advice here Missy.

I'll just add that I tried to keep my life just as it was too - only with just not drinking...

I see now it didn't work because one of the central planks that life was built on was drinking.

I won't give you marriage advice but I will share that yor story worries me too - I was in abusive relationship once - it only happened a handful of times, no alcohol was involved...but it never went away....it was always there, even when it wasn't I was waiting for it to return....

My partner was otherwise so 'perfect' that I had no choice but to blame myself - but it wasn't my fault. My ex partner had a problem - and still does, incidentally.

As for genetics - I come from a long line of drunkards. Genetics don't mean much, unless you decide they do, Missy.

You deserve a better life, in a whole lot of ways, that what you're allowing yourself now.

I hope you'll realise that soon and act on it because I kept drinking and I lost all that stuff I was trying to hold together - don't go there.

D

Artoro

Missy, you have to think about your priorities. If you don't change, nothing changes. If you can't get sober with your husband maybe you should consider going away while you do it.

OklaBH

I can't offer advice since I'm an alcoholic who has messed up a ton! I'm putting you in my prayer tonight. Step 3 -give it over to your higher power!

MsCooterBrown

"So far, you've gotten a lot of feedback on your relationship and your husband. Consider, maybe, if you need to instead take a hard look at your drinking."

But they are intertwined..the drinking husband and the drinking you. It is not cut and dried. It is all hard..go browse around in the friends and family section and see how they live. I think if you have a sober/drunk mixed marriage and the drunk decides to get sober you have a better shot. When you merge in with the drunk/drunk marriage or we could reword it to drunk/drinker marriage and one decides to get sober you can end up with an extremely unhappy spouse. They simply do not want to drink without you. I don't understand it try as I might. They will make your life miserable until you cave in and drink just to put up with it or be able to stand it. No that is not an excuse..it is sometimes a survival tactic. Sadly some people have marriage built around a codependent addiction base. I do agree that going away perhaps to rehab would give you a better start..but when you come home you still will have no support. No easy answer. When you have had enough, you have had enough!

Missy7

Thanks--I'm okay today. I feel better than I expected to. I think this discussion today might have been really important. Really acknowledging that I've been making sure he's having fun because I'm nervous is going to help me recognize my behavior. Maybe then I can decide if I want a drink or if I want to have a drink for him...interesting.

FrothyJay

Missy? Your response to anyone who tells you this should be: you don't know jack-squat about alcoholism.

If wanting was all that was required, 100,000 people wouldn't be dying from alcoholism every year.

"Wanting" is for self-help books. The only thing the alcoholic should want to do is surrender.

laura1978

Hey Missy. I'm saddened to hear your situation. I am 8 days sober today so I don't really qualify to give advice. But I spent the last 14 years saying I drink because my parents drank. I drink because my husband drinks and if you can't beat em join em. I drank because I resented my husband for refusing to quit. I resented my husband because I drank. I convinced myself that I would always drink as long as it was in the house. Then something happened. Lots happened. My BP went sky high to the point of hypertensive crisis and I realised life was too short. If I die today what can I say about my life? The curtain of denial lifted and realised that I could do this. I decide my future. I make these choices. I could sit and resent my husband for having a drink but the fact is I don't want to and that is MY choice. Resenting him only makes this journey harder. Thats all down to you. From the way it sounds your husband loves you more than anything in the world and he will still love you if you make a different lifestyle choice. I think your journey will be as hard on him as it is on you but you'll get through it. Personally I'm not ready to go to a pub and drink soda while everyone has a party - but one day I will be. Your husband and you are 1 unit, sure, but you are also your own person. Just talk to him. But do it when you're both straight. I'm pretty sure he'll understand. :-) Keep at it. :-) It's not easy at all, you have to find the strength inside yourself. I think your husband helps - not to keep you drinking - but because he cares deeply. Talk to him.

LSNP

Missy, I didn't finish reading each and every post because the theme came out after just a few. It almost sounds a little to me like he is your "back door," like he is your "reason," like your drinking is "his fault."

It's not. He's not. You have to choose what is right for you. Without that choice, you will continue to be powerless. With it? It won't matter. You'll stop.

Missy7

So that it's the last post and some people haven't read through, I'm not blaming my husband for my drinking. I actually said I wasn't blaming him eight or ten times.

If a person is at all interested--and I don't know why they should be--they should read through my posts before assessing my intentions.

LSNP

I didn't mean to imply that you are consciously blaming your husband. I read through nearly all the posts. I just think addicts like to find "back doors" or keep one or two available so they can feed their addiction if they choose to/need to. My ex told me once that he wasn't going to be married to a woman who didn't drink... and that's pretty much what we did for years and years. He was a "back door," so to speak. He encouraged it, wanted it, needed it... My "ex" is still in my life three years later but this time around, I firmly said, "I'm not drinking. If you are? I don't want any part of it. I don't want to go back to that life."

My back door is saying to myself that I don't know if I will ever drink again or not.

I'm not judging.... just pointing out how an outsider might view your posts. It has to be your choice. It has to click in your head. You'll know when it clicks. And when it does? It won't matter what your husband says, what he wants, or how he enables. You'll know.

Missy7

Oh, I just want it to be clear that I know I'm responsible. However, he is a big, big problem. I'm going to try to talk about that tomorrow morning some. He's just said the most amazing thing to me.

LSNP

I understand, Missy. Sometimes I try to communicate too fast and am, therefore, often unclear.

My ex is wanting very badly to get back together (I'm still not 100% on board) and he is excited about not drinking with me. I don't know how long it will last....... his desire to stop....... and he believes we can work it out sober (which is possible), but I'm not entirely sure yet that I can go back to where I once was, that is... a "social" drinker.

However, when you said your husband said the most amazing thing to you, I wanted to tell you I feel the same thing right now. My ex has been saying some pretty amazing things to me, too. I just don't trust him quite yet, and I know I'm not willing to go back to that life - that alcohol-dominant life - for anybody.

Very stressed tonight and confused.... but sober. :-)

LSNP

Dang. Just read my post. I am really not making a whole lot of sense. Sorry.

littlefish

You might consider that you two are codependent to each other. I think you have figured out that he is codependent to you: takes care of things, fixes the messes, etc.

As a wonderful speaker in AA put it so well:
"I was the accident, my kids were the victims, my husband was the ambulance driver".

But, maybe you are doing some of the ambulance driving too? I have a codependent personality type and I am codie with my husband and kids. Your acceptance of the raging is a sign of codependency.
Knowing I am codependent, I have to remember that I can't control everything, I have to let go. Sometimes it's hard because my impulse is to fix things....but I have to make boundaries for myself.

You have gone to therapists as you mention, but have you ever considered an addictions therapist?
We all have problems with a marriage: there may appear to be perfect marriages out there, but nobody really knows what is going on with a couple except the couple themselves.
The raging as you put it is unacceptable: you don't have to participate. You can walk out of the house. He will have no one to participate in the rage and probably his raging is based on your participation: listening, interacting with him while he is raging. You don't have to do that.
If you exit from the situation and refuse to feed into this behavior, he probably will settle down and get over it: the whole point of a rage is to direct it at someone. If you aren't there, the situation may defuse rather quickly.

CatFry

Missy you really do have a heavy load. Can't he get one of the "sucky" friends to do karoke with him? Maybe you could be support for him while he practices at home?

I think therapy sounds like a great idea. Would he ever buy in? He's read SR, would he ever consider going to an AA meeting or a meeting for spouses?

As for what you wrote:
"I know the drill. I will be told if I really wanted to quit I would but if that was true there would be far fewer alcoholics."

I'm on antabuse and a friend of mine was like: "Just quit. I quit Newports after 15 years. Maybe you don't want to quit?"

It took a lot of repetitive explaining to make him understand my statement: "Thats the problem. I really want to and I don't."

I think one of the symptoms of being an alcoholic is that we can't stop even when we want to. It stinks.

I hope today is better day for you.

You are never boring. Please keep coming back.

Hugs.

Missy7

Littlefish--you must be a therapist in real life.

And CatFry--I alway appreciate it when people recognize the struggle some of us have with quitting. I truly did quit meth cold turkey. Just quit it. It was physically far harder than anything I've experienced with alcohol, but I never relapsed. I think that's about social stigma.

Much better thanks. Yes we are codependent on each other. Yes I drive the ambulance--we take turns.