BobGT

Adding a little to my earlier "list" post.

The lists would be better presented as "here is how you can help me," and not "here are new rules for you to follow." That was probably obvious.

lookinforward

Missy-He doesn't have to quit for you to quit. That is the reality of it. Will it be more difficult? Yes! But it seems as though you know what you want and that is a huge first step. No one knows what you are feeling on the inside except you. My spouse still drinks. Am I tempted? Not anymore. It was horrible in the beginning. But it is "doable". I like that word.
There are three things you have to take care of.(saying this to yourself of course) I must take care of Me, Myself, And I. Not necessarily in that order.
As for the genes. My Pop is an alcoholic. I love him to death. Just not how he treats drinking. He has somehow convinced everyone that drinking a 1.75 of red wine and starting on a second is acceptable(Daily). How warped is that? I choose that the family trait stops here! I am not making it ok to get smashed everyday acceptable.
You get to choose. I choose life. It is a pretty wild journey on the sober side.
Keep boring me. please.
Day by day
Dave

StPeteGrad

It's ironic - my wife has wanted me to quit drinking since right after we got married 10 years ago. Now that I'm sober and getting better she's worried that it was just the alcohol that made me love her.

Zube

Missy...

Well, you've got the same alcoholic mind as the rest of us. That's a good sign. To me, non-drinking non-alcoholics are some of the most boring people on the planet. Recovering alcoholics, some of the most fun.

Keep it simple. Recovery is like learning to ride a bike. If you fall off, you get up, dust yourself off, get back on, and try again. Sometimes it takes a few times. Most of us don't get it on the first try. None of us do it alone.

It's a combination of keeping yourself straight, finding your balance, and moving forward.

Keep on peddling,
Zube

rochadad

Hey Missy 7. I thought I was the only one going through this. I have been in and out sobriety for the past 3 years and went on a weekend bender myself...or maybe a few days longer (I don't remember and I'm sure you know what I mean). I'm on day 2 and though I didn't hit a bottom physically, I'm an emotional wreck. But I know it gets better if you keep at it. Whatever it takes you must do because what I do know for sure, it will NOT get better continuing on the drunken path. SR is great! but for me, straying away from AA meetings, calling other alcoholics from meetings, and staying in contact with my sponsor is what keeps me sober and alive! Its when I stray away that I fall back into my usual patterns. I'm right there with you and you are not alone. Us alcoholics or addicts or whatever are in this together and must keep trying. Your husband is still his own person and you are yours so do what needs to be done for yourself. Please hit another meeting and try more than one. Thanks for your post because this disease makes us feel like we are so alone, and it reminds me that we are in this together. Keep posting please! and welcome back!

Missy7

Seriously. I like the idea that alcoholics have a special characteristic in their brains that makes them interesting. There are lots of genes that do certain things for humans that also do others secondarily, right? And Normies don't have it. I mean, the ability to open your soul and pour in a new personality is pretty cool, right?

What a ride.

Anna

Missy,

I'm glad you're posting.

I've been married a long time too, and I was married a very long time before I began drinking. The thing is, I lost my identity in the marriage and, reading your posts, I wonder if you might have too. It sounds to me like it's all about your husband and your marriage, and not at all about you, as a person, an individual.

I hope that you decide you are worth fighting for.

SSIL75

I'm kind of confused about the raging thing? He terrorizes you? But not 'routinely'? Is that the case?

MsCooterBrown

"And he has gone about six months without screaming me into a corner for an overnight rage. He hasn't spat at me or called me a bitch or begged me to divorce him. I cannot ask him to stop karaoke and he will not do it without me. I am a real, honest to God alcoholic and I can't go to a bar and not drink. "

I worry twenty different ways over this. I got out of a 25 yr wtf was that relationship. All I know is mine eventually incorporated tossing me into the wall..hurling me to the floor..yanking me back up from the floor to the bed where he sat on me and repeatedly hit me in the face until it finally broke my nose. Is Phil capable of this? HELL NO..most likely not but I didn't ever think my former husband would go @peshit either. I had NEVER seen a look like the look he had..He started raging (always drunk when he raged) then wall punching (what an idiot way to release your anger but it was better than using me as a punching bag) then this above describes his grand finale. We had gone back and forth for years with me wanting to get sober..and he going into this sulk/anger/sick of hearing it pattern. ANYWAY this grand finale act that he did was the icing on the cake. Needless to say..I won't be looking back. And as hard as this is to understand..we were extremely close. My husband..my best friend. Alcohol does horrible things to peoples choices. I know this is my story ..just had to tell you this because in a GOOD solid relationship people support and hold each other up when it comes to choices to make your life better. I have come to learn that only in addicted codependent relationships does one partner not want the best for the other. This was a horrible thing for me to go thru..it took me a long time to see the part I played in my relationship..and only when I finally broke away from it did I get sober.
I think about you often. When you get silent I worry..and yeah. I am sober..but still working on codependency!

Missy7

Thanks for chiming in. We have similar relationships. One CRITICAL difference. Phil never does this drunk. That's actually not a good thing. He snaps. And nothing I can do can change it. I can acquiesce, or anything. Nothing can stop him once he starts until he gets tired of it.

And we have worn out several therapists. Once I called one when he started in again and she said she just couldn't help him. So I now have a different therapist who has never met Phil.

He does scream, he does throw things, I trust that he won't kill me. And this is intermittent.

So when I am doing well, I take away his fun. And he obviously needs some fun. And then he acts a little down. And then I get scared. And then a drink seems like a good idea. Problem is I can't have A drink, or two, or three.

I'm glad you say you loved your husband. That's part of it. We are so intertwined that we actually don't differentiate. That's the way we like it and it works most of the time.

It has been several months since a rage, and I start to forget. But three angry words and I get waves of cold. My therapist says I MUST leave if he starts. I've never managed it. Again, I'm on here a lot and will say very good things about this man...unless he rages. When and if he does (and I assume it is when from my experience) I will sing a different tune.

It's weird and it's mine. I only mention it because I have caught myself watching his moods while trying on this new lifestyle.

And I have started to think I may never quit drinking so long as we are together...and I believe we will always be together.

I always appreciate your help Cooter. And if I'm quiet, I'm probably losing. I'm sort of surprised at how true the "working it" thing has been for me.

MsCooterBrown

My home PC is on its final leg..I ordered a new one but it won't be delivered for awhile ..I am posting from work..and I really must get back to work..so in conclusion to my posts..I did find out sometimes you have to come apart in order to get it together. Just know I think of you!! I want you to be happy.

SSIL75

You don't have to remain an alcoholic living with an enabling abuser. And make no mistake. A man who treats you this way is an abuser. The way you're written about him from day one has made me uneasy. Now it's becoming clear.

Blessings to you on your journey.

Missy7

I think we are over this part of the relationship--or I hope we are. I only mention it because his happiness is genuinely one of the things I must keep in mind. This is a strange thing he does. The rest of the time he is a perfect husband. Honest to God. Perfect.

I just need to figure out why I can't do this. And I think maybe part of it is avoiding sitting on the couch alone...

SSIL75

After 30 years of it you think it's done after a few months? (or is this something that just started like a year ago and lasted for a few months?).

There is no 'apart from that he's perfect'. Apart from giving you PTSD from his abuse he's perfect?

I hope you're still seeing the therapist. Keep posting!!

Missy7

He has raged on and off for about twenty years of our marriage. I used to keep a book to record the dates. At one point he kept a diary every morning writing "to" me about how he wouldn't rage. Through most of that time this happened every few weeks. There were a couple of years when it was more often. Lately it's less often. He's getting older I guess.

I am sorry to have him seen in this light on this forum. He will reappear in my posts in almost universally positive light (unless he rages).

But I really think this conversation has been good for me. I hadn't really tied his "anger problem" to my "drinking problem" before. I think this might allow me to separate myself from his habits. I will, however, need an escape plan--just in case. So I don't sound alarmist, I have a nice car in the garage, keys, and a credit card. I can leave. I have just been trying to fix it for the past twenty years.

And as we tie his "problem" to my "problem," I really need to keep in mind that he has never raged while drinking. No wonder I want to drink all the time, huh?

bellakeller

Maybe he is bipolar. Has he ever gotten help for this problem? It sounds like a cycling sort of thing that happens to bipolar people. Is he willing to get help? I guess there are no real "consequences" to his rages because you seem to accept abusive behavior and then drink at him in response (been there- not something I would recommend). So maybe help hasn't been on his radar.

Hugs to you. I've been in your shoes and it is no way to live. Sounds like trying to fix it your way for the last 20 years has not changed anything. He has to change himself.

Missy7

Oh, not to worry. We are in a nice patch. And he was on anti depressants for a few years. Didn't help a bit. I do think it's cyclical. I do think it's a mental disorder. I don't think he's bipolar. In generally he is never either particularly active nor particularly depressed. I tried for years to make it make sense. We've seen therapists. He went to anger counselling with a lot of really scary guys. Nothing. It just slowed down after 53 or so.

I don't consider myself living with it most of the time, but today's conversation just went that way. I guess, though, that I do live with it. I do watch him.

He's a good guy. A great father. But I've always known there's something I don't know...

keithj

Missy7,

So far, you've gotten a lot of feedback on your relationship and your husband. Consider, maybe, if you need to instead take a hard look at your drinking.
Yes, of course, a lot of people who are able to stop drinking or control their drinking will lead you to believe that you can just get more dedicated and serious about it, and you'll be OK. It's true for them. But is it true for you?

It certainly wasn't true for me. I'm one of those alcoholics described in AA's Big Book. For them, and me, 'the most powerful desire to stop drinking was of absolutely no avail.' You made a firm decision to stop drinking, and have found that you are unable to do so.

Thousands of continually relapsing alcoholics visit this site each year totally convinced that all they have to do is really, really want to stop drinking and they will be able to. They are given that idea by people for whom it's true. But all that matters, is it true for you?

If you find that you are one of those drinkers that can't seem to stay sober by really, really wanting to, then AA has a solution.

quote aabb1st

Missy7

First, my husband got brought into this discussion as a side element of my hard look at my problem with alcohol. I don't blame him for the problem. But I do think I can be stronger about it I keep it in view.

I did not know this before this conversation--which got to its length because I don't want to misrepresent things.

I do, however, really appreciate your acknowledging that for some of us it isn't just that we have to really, really want to stop. I really, really want to stop and I do not think that's enough. Not yet anyway. I have been to one AA meeting. I have to say, that wouldn't do it either. I'll try a couple more meetings. As of now I think I just hit the wrong one for me.

keithj

Missy7,

I didn't recover by going to meetings. I had a spiritual awakening as the result of the 12 Steps, and I haven't thought about drinking for many years. The BB contains the specific, precise directions for how to do that. Find a meeting where they are talking about that, and you will find some solid sobriety and some people willing to help you.