Wife Still Doesn't Know
Groovy Dancer
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
I never told my wife I quit, she just kinda figured it out. I never told her I had a problem with alcohol but she knew. She wanted me to quit but at the same time I didn't find her particularly supportive. She has been hurt when I have told her that, but it is what it is. If not drinking meant just not drinking she was great. When not drinking meant getting on the computer and coming to SR for support, or going in to chat, she was very negative. Very very negative. After all, I should only need her love and support not to drink right? Shouldn't have to communicate with other females to find support!
Ok...sorry, needed to vent.
I only mention that cuz I learned a while ago not to count on others to help our sobriety. I think people should find and use a support system. Still, at the end of the day, it is our responsibility to stay sober.
I would echo what others wrote - Yes, tell her. Or, if you don't want to, then don't. To me, that is not the main issue you need to think about right now. You have identified alcohol as being a problem in your life. You wanted to quit, and have done so. Figure out what your path to Recovery is, and how to stay on it. If you need telling your wife to be on that path then do it.
I want to tell you something that was told to me when I quit. At the time it didn't really strike me how important it was, cuz of course I thought I was in a more unique situation than this person with many years of sobriety. Don't worry about not drinking six months from now! If you drink tomorrow, if you drink next month or the month after that it may not matter whether you drink in six months from now. I know - You need to worry about it cuz you have to start making plans for the Wedding. No, you don't need to worry about it right now. Get the room or don't get the room. You do not need to make plans now for not drinking at a Wedding in six months. Take it slow, especially this early in sobriety. This was IMHO, and do with it what you want.
Congrats on 14 days! Good luck and keep us posted.
Ok...sorry, needed to vent.
I only mention that cuz I learned a while ago not to count on others to help our sobriety. I think people should find and use a support system. Still, at the end of the day, it is our responsibility to stay sober.I would echo what others wrote - Yes, tell her. Or, if you don't want to, then don't. To me, that is not the main issue you need to think about right now. You have identified alcohol as being a problem in your life. You wanted to quit, and have done so. Figure out what your path to Recovery is, and how to stay on it. If you need telling your wife to be on that path then do it.
I want to tell you something that was told to me when I quit. At the time it didn't really strike me how important it was, cuz of course I thought I was in a more unique situation than this person with many years of sobriety. Don't worry about not drinking six months from now! If you drink tomorrow, if you drink next month or the month after that it may not matter whether you drink in six months from now. I know - You need to worry about it cuz you have to start making plans for the Wedding. No, you don't need to worry about it right now. Get the room or don't get the room. You do not need to make plans now for not drinking at a Wedding in six months. Take it slow, especially this early in sobriety. This was IMHO, and do with it what you want.
Congrats on 14 days! Good luck and keep us posted.
Encourager In Training
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: KS
Posts: 717
All - just my experience, but when I finally let the cat out of the bag and said "your husband is an alcoholic" to my wife, the balance of power dramatically shifted from addiction to recovery.
To be fair, i must tell you this admission came after being caught red handed in the process of hiding drinks.
To be fair, i must tell you this admission came after being caught red handed in the process of hiding drinks.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
I tried hiding the fact that I was not drinking..a guy that I am close to blew thru town and wanted everyone to meet at the bar. These are all drinkers..so I order my club soda and grapefruit..bought a round. Then while I was away from the table he bought a round..we had to play 50 questions on why my drink was only a dollar..I came clean. Sometimes it is easier to quietly not drink so you don't have to play 50 questions..I hate that game. But usually...the people that hide anything are people in a relationship where both drink. If your wife isn't a problem drinker..I bet she will not care and will be the best support ever. Good luck on whatever you do..I say any way you choose..if the end result is sobriety..go for it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NYC/NJ
Posts: 431
This is coming from someone who told his family the extent of his problem, but I don't know man. I agree that honesty is the best policy, but she knows you're not drinking right now because of issues with heavy alcohol use. She knows you've over done it in the past, and enough so that you think it's wise to not drink at all right now. That's enough info right there to conclude you have issues with alcohol, and for her to understand and support you not drinking at your daughter's wedding, or any other time for that matter. People quit drinking all the time to improve their overall lives and health without the motivation of tremendous, life shattering consequences facing them.
She might not know the extent of the details of your drinking, or the severity of the problem, but it's really just silly semantics if she knows you're an "alcoholic" or not. That's just a word, man. By continuing to choose to not drink, it's clear that you think alcohol has done you harm and you're better off without it. If you think it's the right thing for both you and your relationship to air out your dirty laundry and tell some war stories about the drinking you hid from her, by all means, do it. Only you know if it'd be healthy or hurtful to your relationship, and if its necessary for her to know. I can tell you one clear positive of doing so would be someone to hold you accountable for your drinking.
When in doubt, go with honesty...but I hope it's not just to exempt yourself from her expectations of you drinking again at some point in the future. There doesn't need to be some sort of dramatic announcement for that. Just don't drink.
She might not know the extent of the details of your drinking, or the severity of the problem, but it's really just silly semantics if she knows you're an "alcoholic" or not. That's just a word, man. By continuing to choose to not drink, it's clear that you think alcohol has done you harm and you're better off without it. If you think it's the right thing for both you and your relationship to air out your dirty laundry and tell some war stories about the drinking you hid from her, by all means, do it. Only you know if it'd be healthy or hurtful to your relationship, and if its necessary for her to know. I can tell you one clear positive of doing so would be someone to hold you accountable for your drinking.
When in doubt, go with honesty...but I hope it's not just to exempt yourself from her expectations of you drinking again at some point in the future. There doesn't need to be some sort of dramatic announcement for that. Just don't drink.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 873
I'm got over 4 months of sobriety and have not yet told my wife outright about it. We're both humming along in WASPy silence on the issue. So I kind of understand where you're coming from but I probably shouldn't comment on the pros and cons of having the "I'm an alcoholic" discussion. lol
But you do have 6 months to have that discussion with her- you don't have to do it right away.
However I wouldn't pretend to have alcohol around her just to make her feel comfortable. You can abstain without being judgmental about her alcohol consumption and I think it's important to show her that. And just go along with the hotel room, it'll be fun whether you're drinking or not.
But you do have 6 months to have that discussion with her- you don't have to do it right away.
However I wouldn't pretend to have alcohol around her just to make her feel comfortable. You can abstain without being judgmental about her alcohol consumption and I think it's important to show her that. And just go along with the hotel room, it'll be fun whether you're drinking or not.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
If your doctor told you you had heart disease and had to change your diet, wouldn't you tell your wife?
Alcoholism is a disease. It seems the only reason you are balking at discussing this with her is because you are assuming she has negative stereotypes about alcoholism.
And you may be right: most of the general population who are not alcoholics don't know anything about this disease and have a lot of misconceptions.
"They don't get it"...in other words.
But that doesn't mean the situation has to remain at that level: in the dark, secrets, misconceptions and misunderstanding.
You are in a relationship, and secrets don't have a place there, right?
I held back on telling my husband for months that I wanted to quit and then had quit....at the time I was in outpatient rehab. I didn't tell him about that either.
I felt so alone not sharing that information with him. The day I finally told him that I am an alcoholic, I felt the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders. I no longer felt so completely alone.
That was wonderful...but, er, he didn't believe me, told me I couldn't possibly be an alcoholic and my bubble was burst for a while. I would go through subsequent years of sobriety then relapse. Through it all I learned time and time again that withholding the truth only damaged our relationship. Of course it does.
If she doesn't understand what alcoholism is, you can try to explain. I have tried. I can't say my husband understands perfectly, no, I think sometimes that normies sometimes may never understand, but, the only information he has to go on is what I have given him.
Alcoholism is a disease. It seems the only reason you are balking at discussing this with her is because you are assuming she has negative stereotypes about alcoholism.
And you may be right: most of the general population who are not alcoholics don't know anything about this disease and have a lot of misconceptions.
"They don't get it"...in other words.
But that doesn't mean the situation has to remain at that level: in the dark, secrets, misconceptions and misunderstanding.
You are in a relationship, and secrets don't have a place there, right?
I held back on telling my husband for months that I wanted to quit and then had quit....at the time I was in outpatient rehab. I didn't tell him about that either.
I felt so alone not sharing that information with him. The day I finally told him that I am an alcoholic, I felt the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders. I no longer felt so completely alone.
That was wonderful...but, er, he didn't believe me, told me I couldn't possibly be an alcoholic and my bubble was burst for a while. I would go through subsequent years of sobriety then relapse. Through it all I learned time and time again that withholding the truth only damaged our relationship. Of course it does.
If she doesn't understand what alcoholism is, you can try to explain. I have tried. I can't say my husband understands perfectly, no, I think sometimes that normies sometimes may never understand, but, the only information he has to go on is what I have given him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Luton UK
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by suki44883 
Honesty is always, always the best policy. You still plan on keeping this from her for, you say, her own well-being...so she won't feel the need to protect you, yada, yada, yada.
Over here in the UK we tend to say 'Blah, Blah Blah'
Both of these are patronising, disrespectful or just downright bl**dy rude.
I stopped reading at that point.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Luton UK
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by miamifella
So by pretending to drink, it really is out of concern for her comfort? Because if you were not drinking she would be uncomfortable. So all the deception is because you care about her?
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Luton UK
Posts: 58
To Mark75, AmericanGirl, EmeraldRose, Ghostly, Artsoul, Ranger, MsCooterBrown, and Stride34: wow! Thank you, I really appreciate your contributions, carefully considered thoughts, and especially your empathy. I find it much easier to respond to posts in which there is acknowledgement of a genuine dilemma. The last post from Stride34 really hit a chord with me. Sincere thanks. AL&J
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 93
AllLies- I can understand your predicament. I also don't know the dynamics of your marital relationship, all are different and many different styles work. Heck 25 years, you must have a great deal correct. What I have learned about me and my recovery is that complete honesty was imperative. On previous attempts I tried on my own to quit and didn't really mention it to my wife. I always eventually went back to drinking, heck in that scenario I was only disappointing myself, which I was used to.
When i finally got fed up I came clean with her about everything on day 1. It was so liberating. She was surprised but immediately jumped on board and has been my rock. The whole recovery felt so much different, more real, possible, and committing after I included her. By not telling her I was essentially lying to her about alcohol. Not much different than hiding a bottle from her, healthier for me physically and mentally, but I was still withholding my alcoholic struggles from her. Having this thing out in the open in our house has been invaluable for me. But I understand that situations are different.
The other point that popped out at me when reading your post is that of being around alcohol. First and foremost if staying sober means you can't be around alcohol than don't be around it. For me, I realize that the world is full of drinkers. And I can't accept a sobriety that sequesters me from so many wonderful people and life experiences that just happen to include alcohol. So from day one I have told myself that I still want to enjoy the world in full, not hide or avoid. My wife seems to enjoy about the same amount of wine as yours weekly. I don't want to deprive her of that. She asked me if I wanted her to stop when I came clean, I said not on my account. Heck, I walked into the store on Saturday and bought he a bottle of Cab. Yeah it was a little tough but so are all things worth having.
The point is, lying, hiding, avoiding, plotting, and affecting the folks around us because of sobriety is still letting our alcoholism run our lives. I made the decision not to just stop drinking, but end alcohol's control over my life, drunk or sober. I have been doing most of the same stuff I usually do with the same people, with the exclusion of drinking. I feel like I got to hand pick the good parts of my life and pass on the others. I wish you all the best in your sobriety and decisions.
When i finally got fed up I came clean with her about everything on day 1. It was so liberating. She was surprised but immediately jumped on board and has been my rock. The whole recovery felt so much different, more real, possible, and committing after I included her. By not telling her I was essentially lying to her about alcohol. Not much different than hiding a bottle from her, healthier for me physically and mentally, but I was still withholding my alcoholic struggles from her. Having this thing out in the open in our house has been invaluable for me. But I understand that situations are different.
The other point that popped out at me when reading your post is that of being around alcohol. First and foremost if staying sober means you can't be around alcohol than don't be around it. For me, I realize that the world is full of drinkers. And I can't accept a sobriety that sequesters me from so many wonderful people and life experiences that just happen to include alcohol. So from day one I have told myself that I still want to enjoy the world in full, not hide or avoid. My wife seems to enjoy about the same amount of wine as yours weekly. I don't want to deprive her of that. She asked me if I wanted her to stop when I came clean, I said not on my account. Heck, I walked into the store on Saturday and bought he a bottle of Cab. Yeah it was a little tough but so are all things worth having.
The point is, lying, hiding, avoiding, plotting, and affecting the folks around us because of sobriety is still letting our alcoholism run our lives. I made the decision not to just stop drinking, but end alcohol's control over my life, drunk or sober. I have been doing most of the same stuff I usually do with the same people, with the exclusion of drinking. I feel like I got to hand pick the good parts of my life and pass on the others. I wish you all the best in your sobriety and decisions.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
You should be honest with her. As others have said, what if the roles were reversed? As Mark suggested, maybe you can explain to how you feel leaving the "A" word out of the conversation.
I also had to realize, I didn't have that much power over other people in my life. Wether I drank or not has to do with me, not them. This includes my husbands decision to have a beer, as he is not an alcoholic.
People who have a normal relationship with alcohol don't think about the scenarios that we alcoholics do.
Besides, if she is a normal drinker, it really won't matter if she drinks or not, she will be able to take it or leave it.
That is her choice to make...
I also had to realize, I didn't have that much power over other people in my life. Wether I drank or not has to do with me, not them. This includes my husbands decision to have a beer, as he is not an alcoholic.
People who have a normal relationship with alcohol don't think about the scenarios that we alcoholics do.
Besides, if she is a normal drinker, it really won't matter if she drinks or not, she will be able to take it or leave it.
That is her choice to make...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
Originally Posted by Stride34
There doesn't need to be some sort of dramatic announcement for that. Just don't drink.
Great quote, by the way. This was the lightbulb moment for me 20 days ago. I feel I don't need to tell all of my friends and family about my quitting. Obviously those very close to me know I have quit, and only two of them know why...but various colleagues, extended family, and friends really, really don't need to know. I don't think they'd even WANT to know. It's irrelevant. They don't notice my soft drinks, because NORMAL people aren't interested in what other people are drinking. It's only we problem drinkers that are fixated on what's in other's glasses, LOL!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Well allliesandjest, where is my thank you note for responding to your post? You made a point about thanking certain people but not others. Hmmm: maybe there is some alcoholic thinking going on there.
I am being a typical alcoholic by feeling left out! Yet I know that I have no right to feel that way. That is where my recovery comes in: "Oh, I messed up, I know it now". When I drank I wasn't even aware that I was messing up. It is just me feeling sorry for myself.
I would kindly suggest that you consider a program. Quitting drinking is not about just biting the bullet and hoping your wife won't notice.
It is about changing your entire attitude about life and going through major personal development.
I am being a typical alcoholic by feeling left out! Yet I know that I have no right to feel that way. That is where my recovery comes in: "Oh, I messed up, I know it now". When I drank I wasn't even aware that I was messing up. It is just me feeling sorry for myself.
I would kindly suggest that you consider a program. Quitting drinking is not about just biting the bullet and hoping your wife won't notice.
It is about changing your entire attitude about life and going through major personal development.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Luton UK
Posts: 58
I'm sorry Littlefish - I have only just spotted your original post, and I thank you for it.
I missed it because it fell at the end of Page One and the start of Page Two, and somehow I must have skipped past.
My apologies.
Kind regards, AL&J
I missed it because it fell at the end of Page One and the start of Page Two, and somehow I must have skipped past.
My apologies.
Kind regards, AL&J
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
What comes to my mind regarding you telling your wife or not...is the fact that I had to come clean with my family. No one knew. Neither my parents, my brother...only my children knew I struggled.
After I lost my job (in January) I had spoke with my Mom. She had no idea about losing the job, etc.
I came clean with them...I told them everything in a heartfelt conversation and they could hear in my voice I was struggling in life...separating from my husband, moved to another house, trying to keep a job and keeping sanity through my daughters last year of High School. (Which is a feat in itself.)
I was overwhelmed by their support. I know my parents are understanding and unbiased with everyone but I heard nothing but praise and positive feed back.
The next day my Father sent me flowers.
To make a long story short, I was so relieved that I came clean...the weight had lifted and I didn't feel like I was living a lie or lying to my family.
People do understand that this is a truly difficult problem. I hope that you can find the strength to discuss this with your wife. I think she deserves to know. Not only that, but it will give you the room to do what you need to develop a program for your sobriety.
I think you may be pleasantly surprised at her newfound support for you and your difficulties. I know I was, and I call my parents almost daily now just because I know I can. Before, I wouldn't call for days...or a week because I had no news except that I was coming out of a binge.
I'm not really sure where we are in this thread...I opened this and just started typing...!
Wishing you peace and strength.
After I lost my job (in January) I had spoke with my Mom. She had no idea about losing the job, etc.
I came clean with them...I told them everything in a heartfelt conversation and they could hear in my voice I was struggling in life...separating from my husband, moved to another house, trying to keep a job and keeping sanity through my daughters last year of High School. (Which is a feat in itself.)
I was overwhelmed by their support. I know my parents are understanding and unbiased with everyone but I heard nothing but praise and positive feed back.
The next day my Father sent me flowers.
To make a long story short, I was so relieved that I came clean...the weight had lifted and I didn't feel like I was living a lie or lying to my family.
People do understand that this is a truly difficult problem. I hope that you can find the strength to discuss this with your wife. I think she deserves to know. Not only that, but it will give you the room to do what you need to develop a program for your sobriety.
I think you may be pleasantly surprised at her newfound support for you and your difficulties. I know I was, and I call my parents almost daily now just because I know I can. Before, I wouldn't call for days...or a week because I had no news except that I was coming out of a binge.
I'm not really sure where we are in this thread...I opened this and just started typing...!
Wishing you peace and strength.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Whistler, British Columbia
Posts: 222
Hey AL Welcome!
6 months sure is a long time from now to be putting so much what if's and such.
My guess is when you are a week away from this date your thoughts will be in a completely different state. 6 months sober will be a solid amount of recovery time for both body and mind.
And I also would place a wager that your wife will also know whats up come 6 months from now sober without touching a drink and will assume you are not going to be drinking at the wedding.
Enjoy the wedding and take lots of movies / pictures. Keep your hotel room for your wife and you and relive what your honeymoon was like
Cheers!
6 months sure is a long time from now to be putting so much what if's and such.
My guess is when you are a week away from this date your thoughts will be in a completely different state. 6 months sober will be a solid amount of recovery time for both body and mind.
And I also would place a wager that your wife will also know whats up come 6 months from now sober without touching a drink and will assume you are not going to be drinking at the wedding.
Enjoy the wedding and take lots of movies / pictures. Keep your hotel room for your wife and you and relive what your honeymoon was like
Cheers!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 259
Newings said something in a post a few rungs back up the thread ladder.
Just dont drink.
I agree, and from my position as a newly sober bloke , I agree. I think , with the utmost respect to YOU .
Actions speak so much bloody louder than words.
The rest is just , well, going to take care of itself .
I have the urge to offer a suggestion ....LOL
I believe , like my life sober , as short as it is at the moment , that things (in the genre of life) will improve.
it is not rocket science.
I have enjoyed reading your honest posts. It has helped me alot
Thanks buddy
L
Just dont drink.
I agree, and from my position as a newly sober bloke , I agree. I think , with the utmost respect to YOU .
Actions speak so much bloody louder than words.
The rest is just , well, going to take care of itself .
I have the urge to offer a suggestion ....LOL
I believe , like my life sober , as short as it is at the moment , that things (in the genre of life) will improve.
it is not rocket science.
I have enjoyed reading your honest posts. It has helped me alot
Thanks buddy
L
Last edited by Lipitor; 05-10-2011 at 01:19 AM. Reason: another bloody spelling mistake
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 259
Originally Posted by EmeraldRose
I would sit down and have a heart to heart. It could be very rewarding for you and your sobriety.
I agree with you on one level, but on another, this person is not only fighting a battle within themselves , but a battle with the very fibre of the importance of family and obviously not wanting to lose what they have.
What a terrible thing Alcohol is.
I applaude this person for their honest posts , and also thank you for your support with me in the last little while..
L
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