I hate this disease
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 218
I hate this disease
My sobriety date is 7/18/10 and I am so grateful to be sober. Emotional sobriety is still a struggle sometimes. I used to come here a lot but have been absent but I hope no one minds if I vent. I didn't know which board to post this in so I chose this one, sorry.
2 weeks into sobriety, I went against the experience and advice of those who had come before me and got into a relationship. I met a man who was another sober member of AA who said he had 2.5 years of sobriety, and at the time I thought it was a gift to meet someone who was working the program. At that time I hadn't yet gotten a sponsor, so I didn't know what 13 stepping was or that if he really had 2.5 years of good sobriety in AA he would have stayed away from a woman with 2 weeks.
So the relationship went on for about 8.5 months until I decided to break it off because I wasn't in love with him and I was frustrated because he slept all day, blew off his responsibilities and didn't go to meetings. I thought I was growing in the program and he wasn't, and I knew I needed to be on my own to get closer to my higher power and stop looking to a man to be my higher power.
That was three weeks ago and I have been doing fine. I haven't been tempted to drink and I have been growing closer to my higher power and the women in the fellowship. Then yesterday I got an email from this man, who had been contacting me repeatedly. He told me he has not been sober at all during this relationship. On top of that his sister, who had become a close friend on mine, knew he was drinking and hid it from me.
I am feeling so betrayed and angry. I am trying to feel grateful that God helped me to leave this relationship before my sobriety was compromised, but I also feel so furious at him for lying and at myself for not realizing it. I am scared, too, that he could have slept around while drinking and compromised my health.
My sponsor says not to contact him until I come up with a plan and we discuss it, so I haven't. But I am going nuts with so many questions in my head and just feeling irritable, restless, and discontent....on my first sober mother's day as a mom. I thought it would help to vent and it did, so thanks to anyone who has read through this far.
2 weeks into sobriety, I went against the experience and advice of those who had come before me and got into a relationship. I met a man who was another sober member of AA who said he had 2.5 years of sobriety, and at the time I thought it was a gift to meet someone who was working the program. At that time I hadn't yet gotten a sponsor, so I didn't know what 13 stepping was or that if he really had 2.5 years of good sobriety in AA he would have stayed away from a woman with 2 weeks.
So the relationship went on for about 8.5 months until I decided to break it off because I wasn't in love with him and I was frustrated because he slept all day, blew off his responsibilities and didn't go to meetings. I thought I was growing in the program and he wasn't, and I knew I needed to be on my own to get closer to my higher power and stop looking to a man to be my higher power.
That was three weeks ago and I have been doing fine. I haven't been tempted to drink and I have been growing closer to my higher power and the women in the fellowship. Then yesterday I got an email from this man, who had been contacting me repeatedly. He told me he has not been sober at all during this relationship. On top of that his sister, who had become a close friend on mine, knew he was drinking and hid it from me.
I am feeling so betrayed and angry. I am trying to feel grateful that God helped me to leave this relationship before my sobriety was compromised, but I also feel so furious at him for lying and at myself for not realizing it. I am scared, too, that he could have slept around while drinking and compromised my health.
My sponsor says not to contact him until I come up with a plan and we discuss it, so I haven't. But I am going nuts with so many questions in my head and just feeling irritable, restless, and discontent....on my first sober mother's day as a mom. I thought it would help to vent and it did, so thanks to anyone who has read through this far.
Member - sober since 4-22-11
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Fairfax, VA
Posts: 45
You deserve better
LawMama,
Congratulations on maintaining your sobriety even through this disappointment. There is no doubt someone better out there waiting to find you. And you are right in finding strength that does not depend on your relationship with others. That strength will help you build better, more meaningful relationships with others, but without the co-dependence.
Happy Mothers Day!
Lee
Congratulations on maintaining your sobriety even through this disappointment. There is no doubt someone better out there waiting to find you. And you are right in finding strength that does not depend on your relationship with others. That strength will help you build better, more meaningful relationships with others, but without the co-dependence.
Happy Mothers Day!
Lee
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 94
The best thing to do when you feel betrayed is not to hold grudges as it will just bring you down. I wouldn't bother going back to talk to the guy unless you feel you have to clear it up and let him know that he's a loser (not really necessary though). You can still be good friends with his sister as she was probably torn between loyalties to her brother and her friend. But the fact that she told you in the end must mean that she values your friendship. Only you know what's best in your life and now you just have a bit more experience! 
Enjoy life knowing that now nobody is holding you back.
Enjoy life knowing that now nobody is holding you back.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
I'm glad you're still sober.
I can just share from my own perspective that my years of alcoholism made it impossible for me to grow, emotionally. I am a 35 year old mother of 2 but I am so immature in some ways. If you're anything like me, it's not surprising to me that you missed major signs/red flags. Give yourself some time to grow and be happy you're done with this guy.
Happy Mother's day!
I can just share from my own perspective that my years of alcoholism made it impossible for me to grow, emotionally. I am a 35 year old mother of 2 but I am so immature in some ways. If you're anything like me, it's not surprising to me that you missed major signs/red flags. Give yourself some time to grow and be happy you're done with this guy.
Happy Mother's day!
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
LawMama. You'll be there with the experience to tell the next newbie how to work around a 13th stepper in sobriety. That may be a priceless gift to give some woman who may desperately need it.
Happy Mother's Day, Sweetie! Sounds like you're doing great despite the setback.
Happy Mother's Day, Sweetie! Sounds like you're doing great despite the setback.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I would block him from my e mail...stop all communications immediately..
AND HIS SISTER TOO WOULD BE out of my life.
I would make an GYN appointment to ease my mind.
Well done on your sober time...
Welcome back to SR
AND HIS SISTER TOO WOULD BE out of my life.
I would make an GYN appointment to ease my mind.
Well done on your sober time...
Welcome back to SR
Groovy Dancer
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
Congrats on your sober time!
That sux about that dude. I think you should try to cut all contact, and keep all contact cut. I am sure you want to ask all these questions. Guess what? You will come up with more and more and more. You want to make him feel bad (don't blame you!), and he probably won't.
Try to move on. Good luck.
That sux about that dude. I think you should try to cut all contact, and keep all contact cut. I am sure you want to ask all these questions. Guess what? You will come up with more and more and more. You want to make him feel bad (don't blame you!), and he probably won't.
Try to move on. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
What a piece of crap. If he continues to contact you, that is harrassment. Call the cops. I'm not sure if I would confront the sister or just wash my hands of the entire situation. I think one of the male members should confront him. That behavior is rediculous. I'm glad what happened didn't turn you away from AA though. Great job!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
I too agree with no contact.
Also..think this through. Write down the questions you want to ask, and then look at them.
What difference would it make to ask questions, if he his his drinking, he may not even be able to honestly answer you.
He is an alcoholic, he drank, that is what we do.
Accept that this is the way things are right now. Work your program, and continue to surround yourself with others who are doing the same.
Also..think this through. Write down the questions you want to ask, and then look at them.
What difference would it make to ask questions, if he his his drinking, he may not even be able to honestly answer you.
He is an alcoholic, he drank, that is what we do.
Accept that this is the way things are right now. Work your program, and continue to surround yourself with others who are doing the same.
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