aasharon90

Every step I take. Every line I make. Every blade I cut,
my lawn is looking good.

As a child I learned to manicure and perfect almost everything
in my life as away to please a sick alcoholic/prescription meds mom.
As punishment I was often sent outside for the day banned and
threatened from going inside. So to make something useful out
of my day, I took it upon myself to cut our lawn, trim the sidewalk with a machete knife, rake, hedge clip and manicure the yard in hopes to please my mom when she got home from work.

With a dr jeckel/mr hyde personality and a time bomb that could
explode anytime I trained myself to be perfect in almost all I did
when it can to dress, cleaning, work etc. in order to find some sort
of control in my life. Im pretty sure that's an acoa issue.

I took those issues into adult life as i raised my kids but after the first 8 yrs marriage, when I got sober and learned that I didnt need to be perfect in all I did cause I would surely go crazy or drink if continued to do so. I learned to progress to do better instead of being perfect in all I did.

20 yrs later sober, I still find myself wanting to be perfect in
many things because it's a part of my character, but while
outside mowing the lawn, taking my time, lining up each row, thinking of each blade of grass i cut, each step i take, breathing, enjoying,reflecting,i enjoy it. I appreciate my accompliment and take pride in my home and yard. Everything today is a gift in recovery and I am so grateful for it.

Well back to manicuring my lawn and happy to use all electical equipment to make working much easier. lol

BadCompany

In my own life experience, the only thing that perfectionism produced was failure.

FNB3

I think Maria Schriver said it best...something similar to: "being a perfectionist doesn't make you perfect. It only makes you feel bad about yourself.". Smart lady...

FNB3

This is IMHO the addict brains set up for us to be able to abuse. We say were perfectionists, knowing that it's unattainable, in order to get to the failure and disappointment quickly. Then when we are good and there and feeling lousy we can say "well, since it's all $hit anyways, let's drink!"

Sobriety allows one to take the positive out of doing their best an saying "I did ok...I can live with that".

aasharon90

Thanks guys.

Im still outside doing yard work..

I remember living here in Baton Rouge which is my hometown
before moving to Houston when I was 8 or 9 yrs sober to relocate
with my little family and open doors and opportunities for our 2
kids I use to cut grass crying because I wanted recognition from
my spouse for a job well done. He said it look good and that was
that.

While in Houston I did the same thing perfecting the yard for 6 hours
and all i got from him was , "good job" Never mind that I spent all
that time fighting and wearing myself out with poor equipement.

If i waited for him to cut grass then that would happen anytime
before he dies. So in retaliation I hired people to come
cut our grass every other week, and got it done in 20 minutes.
It was the best money we ever spent.

My 25 yrs marriage ended over little cr*p like that amoungst
other stuff and came home to BR and remarried going on 2 yrs
now.

Today I dont mind cutting the grass and doing the yard work
because Im doing it for me and my husband who also appreciates it.
This is a combined task where he keeps my equipement in running
order and that makes my job easier even if it takes me all day to
do it.

When i cut grass i emmdiately go into recovery, music and appreciation mode. So this morning as I slowly began pushing the mower Stings song Every Breath You Take....Ill be watching you came to mind. Then I started using words to describe the way i was cutting the grass and it made me smile. Slowing down life to fit the slow stroll behind the mower and thinking of every blade that i cut or every step that i take to form uniformed lines in the yard is........ CRAZY....lol NOT..! lol You should
see our yard right now. I love it...!

My husband will be driving up soon and he gets to tell me how nice the yard looks and I will smile. Of course tomorrow i cant wait to leave the house and turn around and look at a job well done. lol

It maybe perfect in our eyes, but to progress to this point in my
20 yrs sober and see that I dont have to be perfect for anyone
and if its not then thats ok. It's all in the joy and appreciation
as well as gratefulness to be at a good place in recovery.