Case of the "F-Its."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 40
Case of the "F-Its."
I'm not sure what changed between Friday and today but I'm starting to care more. To stop thinking so nihilisticially and existentially. Or at least to have those thoughts but not allow them to define me and my life.
I relapsed on Friday because of the usual, "I proved I don't have to drink so I can have some beers with friends."
I used to want to do this for other people because I was afraid my best friend would never talk to me again and my family would hate me. Therefore, I attended meetings but hell if I cared at all. My usual attitude during meetings, or any other time, was, "This is stupid. I can do this on my own and don't need to listen to pathetic other alcoholics to get better."
I guess you could say between last night and today I've given myself over, not to a higher power, but I can honestly say to myself that I can't get out of this alone. If I could have I would have by now...it's pretty thickheaded how long it takes to realize that when everyone else knew it to begin with.
I'm also working on focusing more on the now and not thinking about the 'what-if's' of the future; as I used to do.
It's a combination of SR, AA, and the patience of my best friend (family to a much lesser extent) that brought me here. I started becoming panicky that I wouldn't still feel like this in the future, but that's the exact kind of thinking I need to stop. I feel like this now and it's up to me to continue with this mentality everyday.
I relapsed on Friday because of the usual, "I proved I don't have to drink so I can have some beers with friends."
I used to want to do this for other people because I was afraid my best friend would never talk to me again and my family would hate me. Therefore, I attended meetings but hell if I cared at all. My usual attitude during meetings, or any other time, was, "This is stupid. I can do this on my own and don't need to listen to pathetic other alcoholics to get better."
I guess you could say between last night and today I've given myself over, not to a higher power, but I can honestly say to myself that I can't get out of this alone. If I could have I would have by now...it's pretty thickheaded how long it takes to realize that when everyone else knew it to begin with.
I'm also working on focusing more on the now and not thinking about the 'what-if's' of the future; as I used to do.
It's a combination of SR, AA, and the patience of my best friend (family to a much lesser extent) that brought me here. I started becoming panicky that I wouldn't still feel like this in the future, but that's the exact kind of thinking I need to stop. I feel like this now and it's up to me to continue with this mentality everyday.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
I'm glad you're back.
Change was scary for me - I really wanted to believe that all I needed to do was to lay off for a week or two and that a lifetime of bad drinking experiences would be just a memory somehow and I'd magically be a normal drinker.
It never happened - and things got much much worse.
Support was vital for me too - I needed the contact and interaction I got from others.
It made all the difference for me.
D
Change was scary for me - I really wanted to believe that all I needed to do was to lay off for a week or two and that a lifetime of bad drinking experiences would be just a memory somehow and I'd magically be a normal drinker.
It never happened - and things got much much worse.
Support was vital for me too - I needed the contact and interaction I got from others.
It made all the difference for me.
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 184
Originally Posted by Howdy12 
I started becoming panicky that I wouldn't still feel like this in the future, but that's the exact kind of thinking I need to stop. I feel like this now and it's up to me to continue with this mentality everyday.
I feel GOOD. I feel STRONG. I want this FOREVER. I do NOT want to get cocky and start thinking down that wrong road.
I CANNOT think about the WhatIfs. I HAVE to Just Say No. Not to others, but to myself. I wonder if this will ever become an integral part of who I am or if I will have to work on it forever, but I cannot think like I did in the past. My choice is No. My thoughts MUST be, "Lots and LOTS of people live their entire lives without drinking. So can you."
I've never wanted this so bad. I don't understand what's changed but I WANT this. Maybe that's the difference. I just want to keep ON wanting it and if I have to knock Slick the Addict off my shoulder every other second on bad days... I intend to do so.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Howdy))) - I'm glad you're back, and thinking in a new way. Recovery IS a path, and not all of us make it the first time. The fact that you nipped this quickly, re-evaluated your thinking, seems like good stuff to me.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Land down under
Posts: 433
Welcome back Howdy
I have to agree with Anna. My recovery has definitely been a journey, one that has to be taken one day at a time, which honestly makes it all the more exciting because each day is a new day. I know that if I stay sober, it will be a good day because even a bad day sober is better than a good day drunk.
As you know, from talking to me and others in chat, you do need to want this for yourself and you need to stop worrying about what others think. But I do see the light bulbs going on for you and once again, that is all part of the journey. Realising what you are and are not capable of is a big step, and realising you can't do this on your own is HUGE.
You can do this Howdy
I have to agree with Anna. My recovery has definitely been a journey, one that has to be taken one day at a time, which honestly makes it all the more exciting because each day is a new day. I know that if I stay sober, it will be a good day because even a bad day sober is better than a good day drunk.
As you know, from talking to me and others in chat, you do need to want this for yourself and you need to stop worrying about what others think. But I do see the light bulbs going on for you and once again, that is all part of the journey. Realising what you are and are not capable of is a big step, and realising you can't do this on your own is HUGE.
You can do this Howdy
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Seems to me Howdy your working through the process to make a permanent change in your life. You've gone through an array of emotions that are perfectly normal. IMO this is what we go through to arrive in serious recovery. We have to experience that our way just isn't working and reach out for help. I know I went through many emotions and yours are very familiar to me.
It was so freeing to me to put the alcohol down and begin a new journey in life. I know you can do this and your life will change for the better. You no longer have to feel badly about yourself or have regrets about what you've done. It's very empowering!
Be proud of yourself!!
:ghug3
Best Wishes To You!
It was so freeing to me to put the alcohol down and begin a new journey in life. I know you can do this and your life will change for the better. You no longer have to feel badly about yourself or have regrets about what you've done. It's very empowering!
Be proud of yourself!!
:ghug3
Best Wishes To You!
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