CJW

Hi there

I've posted before under another name, just want to get that off my chest. I'm embarrassed about things I said and how I said them and just want a fresh start. Hope thats ok.

I've been away for several months. When I first joined I wasn't totally sure that I couldn't control my problem. I wasn't committed to quitting and a number of you realised that and told me so.

This time is slightly different. I accept that I have lost and I am not able to stop when I want to. I understand that my mind thinks anything it needs to to let me keep drinking. And I am genuinley terrified that my mind is stronger than me and that I cannot win this battle. I know I don't want to drink tonight but I know that I will justify it somehow and that tonight I will drink and tomorrow morning will be terrible.

The best I have managed not drinking (and I mean getting drunk each night) is 2 days in the last year. No one is worried about me but I am stuffing up pretty badly on a few fronts (work especially) and I have been hiding and lying a lot to get by. Lots of guilt attached to all that, of course. So that's the bad part.

Good part is I believe you guys that things can be different and I want them to be different for me. I have a lot to learn and a lot of worries to manage but I am hoping to find help here and then to give back.

Thanks for listening

CJ

artsoul

Welcome (back) CJW - One of the scariest parts of facing our addiction is knowing that we'll repeat the same behavior over and over again, with increasingly worse results. In my mind's eye I could see myself dying from alcoholism if I didn't get help.

With the way you described your drinking over the last year, I would think you're going to need a medical detox of some kind. So, are you ready?

Dee74

Welcome back cjw

Don't be afraid you can't win this battle - you can
It make take some work, and you may have to make some changes, but you can.

Support was vitally important for me in turning things around - I really had to plug myself into support...I not only leaned on it but I learned from it too...

It's a life changing task, but it's not an impossible one. The proof is all around you

This time can be your time, cjw

Artsoul makes a good suggestion too - have your seen your Doc yet?

D

SomethingBetter

It can be done, it might take everything you have in the beginning but it is possible and worth it.

For me it was getting it into my head that i am not going to drink no matter what, then do whatever it takes to stay in that direction.

TodayToo

The control is in the hands of a higher power...there's something to be grateful for! Let go and let that help you. I'm in this again for the long haul. Last time I thought I could do it alone...but it just can't be done that way. That is the brains tricky way of sending you back down the road it wants you to go to get what it thinks it needs. Listening to my heart helped me. Listening to what my whole body is saying really. Life can be better if you realize you can't do it alone and you need to do it. Keep coming back here and listen to the good advice of people who know just what you're going through because we've been there too.

newby1961

CJW welcome back and don't worry about it we all have our own journey and some of us have to go in & out many times before this thing sticks.

When I stopped I had no other choice but to reach out for help and trust me even now that is still very difficult.

Do you ever go to meetings? Do you have a support group other than SR and all of us?

You can do it cause if someone as sick as I was could I have no doubt you can too.

Keep the Faith

CJW

Thanks for that. No, I don't really have a support network. Unfortunately my friends and family encourage my drinking. My wife just doesn't get it. I have told her many times (in the morning) that I have a problem and need to stop but by evening I say its ok and I was just feeling down and she thinks I'm ok. She must be deluding herself but she is a heavy drinker too so that's probably part of it. My mother is always trying to make sure I am 'relaxed' and topped up. Truth is I am less stressed and more fun on the sauce and I guess they like that part of me.

I have been trying to think of something I could focus on that would take drink out of the picture and make it easy for me to say to people I'm not drinking right now - like, I am training for a marathon or something. I really struggle with the idea of admitting to others that I am an alcoholic and I'd like to do recovery on the quiet. But I know you will say that's just not possible. And I think my reluctance to do it is part of me refusing to finally let go.

TodayToo

I can totally relate to what you're saying here. Our friends can be our own worst enemies sometimes. Misery loves company. If you're drinking too, you're not going to get on my case. But, Al Anon can help with that. We can't control what others do. We can only face the reality we need to face and then be honest with others about it. I can say that...yes...but the truth is there are people I will find it hard to tell that I am an alcoholic, who will just want me to be the old drinking pal I was, but I don't have to see them every day. I see your challenge there, and understand. I know you can do the honest thing and they will respect you for it, but it is not going to be a choice you can make easily. This is where the higher power comes in I think. Let's hope that you can call on that higher power when you need it most. Sending some strength to do that your way.

EmeraldRose

Welcome back CJW. One good thing is you came back. You must have it in your heart that now is the time. That is why we get a second chance because time wasn't ready for the first one. Hopefully, this is your time. You need to seek out support and be honest with it all. Sit your wife down and have a chat. Tell her your concerns. Maybe she just doesn't get it. Most 'normal' people don't. They don't realize the guilt, the anger, the shame, the terrible feelings of self worth we feel.
I've been drinking for 30 years or so and sober for 100 days. If I can do it anyone can.
Glad you're here.

MsCooterBrown

CJW..glad you are back.
"And I am genuinley terrified that my mind is stronger than me and that I cannot win this battle. I know I don't want to drink tonight but I know that I will justify it somehow and that tonight I will drink and tomorrow morning will be terrible."

This jumped out at me. It is almost like a setup in your mind for failure..you need to change your script. Think of the positives of not drinking and how much better you will feel..or you can flip it and keep in mind your WORST hangover or withdrawal and use that thought to keep from picking up again. It is all a horrible mind game..you can get thru the first 4 days and have alcohol OUT of your system but still have this dialogue going on in your mind. Glad you are back..I wish you well..

MsCooterBrown

And yeah..my former husband looked at my attempts to quit drinking as somewhat of a betrayal. Sometimes people don't like it when one of their own quit drinking..it forces them to take a look at how sick they have become.

CJW

Thanks for all of those words. This is a nice place

My life now is pretty bad right now and I know alcohol made it this way and that continuing to drink will make it worse. The ugly spiral I have noticed is that the worse life gets the more I 'need' those few hours each night when it all seems ok and manageable.

But lately I'm not even enjoying the taste of the first drink - it just serves a function, and the TV shows and movies aren't as entertaining as they used to be, and I'm not feeling inspired like I sometimes used to get after a few. I'm now a tired weary drunk, not a functioning one like I used to be. On so many counts I am in the crap.

I'm in NZ so off to bed now at 8.00pm. I held my wife's hand this morning when I woke up and said I was going to lay off the grog for a bit - not quite announcing I am an alcoholic but no point as we have been joking for years that we are both alcoholics.

I have a scary day tomorrow. Lots to face on the work and personal fronts.

I didn't drink today. Thanks.

OklaBH

QUOTE: not quite announcing I am an alcoholic but no point as we have been joking for years that we are both alcoholics.


I joked about it for years too. Trust me..its no joke, not cute, and not fun. This thing is deadly. Losing jobs and people is the least severe of what will happen if we continue. What has helped me immensley is just simply praying every morning "God please keep me sober today"

Hevyn

CJW - All the good stuff's been said, so I'll just add that I think it's wonderful you came back, and came clean about what's going on. I know the power of SR, because after a lifetime of drinking, I'm finally off it for over 3 yrs. I know I wouldn't have made it without the love and encouragement that's been offered to me. Everyone here gets it, unlike most of our friends & family.

My husband (now deceased) and I were drinking buddies for many years. We had a great time - until all the laughter and fun turned into a living hell. He never saw what he was doing to himself & paid the ultimate price. This never has to be you - there is life after alcohol, and a beautiful, peaceful one. Be proud you've decided to make this change!

iliveforyou

Hi and welcome back!! Glad you are here with us. Stay strong, we are here for you.

-Jess

crittery

Welcome back CJ!

Whenever you feel like a drink, remember that you won't enjoy it and it will only lead to more drinks. Then you will feel tired and useless. But after you've been sober for even a small amount of time (a day or two) you will start to reclaim your pride, and you can let go of all the guilt you're carrying. I wish you and your family the best of luck!

I might also add that New Zealand is a beautiful country, I went to the south island a few years back.