JasperChicago

I've been a heavy social/weekend drinker most of my life from 15 yrs old. My wife has known, of course, and tolerated most of our marriage (12+ yrs) if not enabled. Most of the time, my drinking is okay but every 3 months or so I have an incident that is embarrassing and/or embarrasses my wife including flirting with other women in front of her - sometimes pretty heavily (so I'm told later). Kids are older now and aware when I'm drunk and often comment. Anyway, it's to the point where I'm ready to quit. I've had the reputation of the drunk guy which I don't want anymore. I also don't want to hurt or embarrass my wife and kids anymore. Wife is beyond fed up and threatening separation.

A friend recently put down a lot of cash for a guy's weekend. Prior to him doing this, I got my wife's okay to go. She's fully aware we're going to drink. We've done these trips before with no incidents - no hitting on other women, fully able to remember night's events, etc. Now it's getting close to the trip and she's saying if I go, it'll likely end our marriage. Not sure if that's a threat or she thinks I'll do something to ruin it.

Anyway, I'm good with stopping the drinking but it won't happen until after the trip. It's a delusion to think otherwise. Anyway, what should I do? Cancelling would not be fair to friend. Is setting a date to quit afterwards just me kidding myself? I feel committed. Thoughts?

suki44883

Your wife says that it will likely end the marriage if you go, yet you don't want to disappoint a friend. Hmmm....which is more important?

If you truly want to quit drinking and live a sober life and all that entails, then why wait? Having one final "hurrah" makes it sound like you don't really WANT to quit drinking, you just think it's best if you quit. Living sober after years of drinking is hard. It's difficult under the best of circumstances, but if you truly are not committed to not drink NO MATTER WHAT, then yes, I think you are fooling yourself. When you are ready to quit, nothing will stand in your way.

FNB3

If you are serious about quitting I would suggest not caring much about inconveniencing a friend. The "one last hoorah" idea isn't realistic. Say you go with your friend and there are no real problem in the drinking...what would make you want to quit then? Say this drinking adventure turns out to be a complete debacle...what are the consequences then?

I do believe in setting a date for things like tapering from drug use but this doesn't sound applicable to your scenario.

Something brought you here and that's commendable and you will get support here. Something is also telling you that it's not that bad yet and you can still have a wife, a home, vacations, etc...AND still possibly drink...great deal if you can get that.

I don't think I would have ever stopped if I didn't have to because of consequences.

You really need to look at what is most important to you right now and once you decide that, make the best possible decisions to get there.

If you are ready to quit...quit
If not, go on your trip and decide what you want after.

SSIL75

Only an alcoholic would ponder this, seriously. Should you give up your marriage for a bender weekend? hmmm.

And honestly I have entertained the same thing so I speak from experience. It's just a very alcoholic thought and as you go through recovery you'll probably be able to see it more clearly.

aasharon90

Ask youself what's more important to you in the long run,
your marriage or your friends?

My husband and I stayed married for 25 yrs. before it ended.
8 yrs of that I drank and the rest I was sober, however as I
worked my program grew and changed it still wasnt enought
to save it. When my kids grew up and went off to college and
all that was left at home was my husband and I, all i wanted was
for the two of us to strengthen our marriage and become one
again just like we did when we got married.

I longed for that onest with him, but yrs. passed and I learned
he needed more than just me. He needed his parents, freinds,
work, and even our kids more than me.

Anyway....back to ur situation. Your friends will continue getting
together with you or without you. You could be in the hospital
sick and they will meet. Money or no money their live will go on
whether u r there or not.

Once that party is over life resumes just as it always does. You
go back to your family situation and drinking and consquences
continue to happen.

When under the influence one can not see things clearly one
cannot think clearly as alcohol affects our thoughts and actions.

As an alcoholic myself who has been sober for 20 yrs now, I
had to change people, places and things where alcohol was a
factor. At the time I made a decision to get rid of all that and
followed thru with action, then I began a good step in the right
direction to staying sober. But there was more work to be done
and maintenance is an ongoing project I continue even today as
I live an HONEST life in recovery. No secrets, nothing to hide.
Just the joy of being FREE.

That in itself is extremely rewarding.

Zube

I was going to wait until March 14, 2011 to become sober, because that was the day I turned 40, and blah-blah-blah.

Instead I stopped November 21st, 2010. No significance or anything special to this date. Glad I did. Had I set a date and waited until March, chances are I may have never gotten sober.

Now, November 21st, 2010 is the most important date in my life.

My advice, SINCE you asked...skip the trip, stop drinking today, talk to your doctor about possible withdrawl treatment, go to an A.A. meeting tonight, and enjoy the benefits for the rest of your life. A good friend will understand, and you won't end your marriage.

Good Luck,
Zube

doggonecarl

Your wife threatens to leave and you are worried about the inconvenience to your friend. My thoughts? That's alcoholic thinking.

If you are ready to quit, if you are committed, like you say you are...QUIT. NOW. And don't even consider this event with your friend, even if you tell yourself, I won't drink. Cause you will.

Bikeguy

It is possible to have fun without drinking.

iliveforyou

First of all JasperChicago - Welcome to SR!! Glad to have you here with us!!

I must agree with others. If you are truly ready to quit, inconviencing a friend is the last thing you should really be worried about. Your marriage is at stake here and to contemplate the "one last horrah", knowing that it's likely to end your marriage - is it worth it? That is your addiction speaking, something we are all familiar with.

There is NO better time to start then NOW. Setting a date? I've done so MANY times in the past...it was always "this is the last time", "I'll quit tomorrow", "After my birthday", "I promise myself, this is the last pill/drink because I just can't do this anymore" and on and on and on and on - this insanity continued until I just quit.

Just some food for thought If you are committed, just do it - you CAN do this. It's not easy but recovery is possible - we DO recover!

Take care of yourself and I'll be rooting for ya

-Jess

EmeraldRose

You 'feel' commited. But how do you feel? Scared, angry, not sure, skeptical, anxious? Feeling commmitted is one thing, being committed is another. If you said I AM committed then I would think that you could forfeit the guys weekend to save your life. What I hate to see happen is you don't listen to your gut and after your 'little boys fun' are left with no wife and no life. Looking back through the cloud of dust you will wish you went with your gut. This could be a test for you. How bad do you want to quit and understand your wife's feelings vs. blow it all out of the window because you don't want to hurt the boys. Believe me, the boys will go on with or without you.

I think if you are committed to quitting and it seems to be taking a toll on your marraige you will do whatever is within your power to change it. If this is a half hearted attempt at realizing its a problem and you should be doing something about it, quite frankly, it will backfire.

Setting a date can be done by some. Not by me. Fate set my date, I lost my job and I realized that if I didn't stop I would be in a spiral downward spin for ever. I had enough sense not to keep drinking -seeked help, rehab and AA and my drinking history is just that. I will never forget my feelings and actions that the alcohol brought on. They are a daily reminder that we do make mistakes, we learn a lesson and we move on with the best intent.

The choice is ultimately up to you. But you asked for advice. LOL...And Welcome...!

Humbled77

I get invited on a lot of really fun trips, some involve drinking some don't. When I was drinking I wanted to go on all of them. My wife would put her foot down because I was gone all the time. I had the clouded mindset of, it's just one more trip. Now I see the idiocy of it all. If you love your wife, get sober today. Then you will be able to make clear decisions. Your post reeks of alcohol. And reads very similar to thinking I had. If you really don't want to anger your buddy, cut him a check or your portion, the money you save on booze over time will cover it.

CincyShine

I would not go. My spouse is too significant to me to worry about anything else. Put first things first. First comes your wife, your family.

FrothyJay

"Last Hurrahs" are trouble for three reasons:

1) We generally do things we wouldn't have done before.
2) They are depressing.
3) They often never end.

You said that you hit on women in front of your wife but don't while on a guys' weekend? Seems...odd.

Is it going to be easier to quit drinking as a single man?

How glad are you that you asked us for our thoughts?

Best of luck.

KarenElaine

Yesterday I had to skip a gathering that was very important to me, because I only had 4 days sober and I knew that regardless of my intentions, it was possible I would have a drink (leading to a pitcher of Margaritas and a stop at the liquor store on the way home). A month ago, the roof at the nursing home where I work collapsed. All our residents had to be evacuated within a few hours. Some of them were my best friends. All the staff were laid off. Some of them were my friends, too. A bunch of staff were getting together at the Mexican place we use to drink at. I wanted to go SO much. I have felt so lonesome since we all dispersed. But I won't let anything get in the way, even maybe get in the way, of me staying sober. When you feel like that, you're ready to quit. Hard to set a date for when you're going to feel like that, though.

Supercrew

Jasper, I'm glad you posted. You sound like I did about 10 years ago. I knew I needed to quit, I was "the drunk guy", it was affecting my relationship with my wife, and my older son knew at the time. I was able to stay out of major embarassing moments in 3 month spurts, but then I would have a night out where I went over the edge and it would settle me down and make me say, "this time I'm really going to quit". But the reality was I didn't want to quit. What would I do for fun? How would I hang out with my friends? Everything in my life revolved around getting drunk. It was all I ever looked forward to. How could I really possibly live a good fun life without alcohol? The guy trips would be gone, because the truth was all they were were excuses to go some where with friends and get plowed. If you skip this one there will be another in 2 months.

I couldn't imagine life without alcohol, and although my wife gave my ultimatum after ultimatum, I really didn't believe she would ever leave. I bring home most of the money, and it would be her fault for breaking our family apart in my mind. Hell I just drink too much..sometimes.

It sounds like you are trying to quit for your wife and family, which I tried to do for many many years, and I couldn't do it. When I finally realized it was killing me and ruining my life is when I decided to quit for me. That is when I finally got serious. Your whole excuse of how you don't want to inconvenience a friend as opposed to pissing your wife off just is the exact same excuse I made thousands of times. Since I have matured and looked back I realized it had nothing to do with upseting my friend and everything to do with my acting like a 17 year old, shirking my family resposibility because I wanted to continue drinking. As long as you want to drink you will continue to drink...even if the wife leaves.

Hopefully you realize that the drinking is hurting you the most, and you decide to stop for yourself now. It took me at least another 10 years to finally come to that conclusion, but I didn't seek out support, so hopefully you are smarter than me.

fulminouscherub

This is my second attempt at sobriety. The first time I sort of had a sunset clause built in. I knew I'd be going to the UK with one drinking buddy to visit another drinking buddy. And I love pubs and ale.

So I willingly threw away the seven months of sobriety I'd built up to drink a few more pints in the pub.

Fast forward a decade to when I am again willing to consider whether sobriety may be for me. In that time my drinking slowly increased. Although I never got arrested or got into any trouble, I became "the drunk" among my friends.

I also found and lost my dream job. I found and lost my dream gal. Through self neglect I became seriously ill.

I'm fairly certain that if I'd kept sober, my life would have been very different this last decade and almost certainly much better. My friends would have been as supportive of me not drinking as they have been for my last three years sober. Sobriety may not be for them, but they respect my desire to have it for me. They love me and want what's best for me.

Talk to your friend. Tell him you have a problem with drinking and you think you need to do something about it. You might be surprised at the result. Odds are he'll agree with you.

Reset

I'm wondering about the basis for your wife's objection. Is it the drinking or is it the potential philandering?

Anyway I'm more conflicted about this than the rest of the posters seem to be. So I'm going to ramble a bit and maybe there's something in here that will resonate.

For starters, I don't like ultimatums and if my wife gave me one I might just challenge her on it. Beyond that she can't force you to quit if you aren't fully committed to it; you have to arrive at that stage on your own. So I'm not sure what she hopes to accomplish with the ultimatum.

Regarding inconvenience to your friend, I don't see that as an issue. You could always pay him for your share of the expenses and not go. If you really were tired of drinking and wanted to change your lifestyle, this is about as good a time as any to do it. When I quit I had to turn down attending a wedding with lots of good, longtime friends because I knew there would be loads of alcohol and drugs. It was a good decision and my friends understood.

Finally, unlike a lot of people here I did choose a date to quit (I gave myself a week) and had a couple of "last beers" on the final day at the pub I'd go to occasionally. It wasn't a big crazy, happy celebration though, it was me, drinking by myself (like always) pondering what ****** things I had done in the past and how it was time to see what life is like without alcohol.

I guess I'd say I wouldn't go but I wouldn't decline because my wife wanted it. I'd tell you that you have to be 100% ready to quit and when that happens the decisions will make themselves.

Zube

Reset-

I would agree with you on this...ultimatums don't mix well with alcohol. Before I was sober alcohol was my first love...all things else took second fiddle, including my wife. I'm grateful that she never set any ultimatums, and allowed me to reach recovery of my own, otherwise I'd still be married to the bottle, lonely and miserable.

Zube

JTele

Most normal people (non-alcoholics) involved with problem drinkers will make very realistic threats just so many times before the final one becomes a true reality. How would it make you feel if you attend this last "hoorah" only to come home and find that your wife and children have left you? While it may or may not happen, if you don't quit drinking, my take from what you've said is that it eventually will. Is it really worth it?

lillyknitting

You shoud be committed to your wife an kids, they should come first, but, that's the moral high ground and everyone is going to agree with that statement. So, think hard and long what is more important to you; a weekend wiv mates, drinking etc and lets face it all that goes with it and the resultant repercussions that will bring; or a life at home with your family????!!!!