Dee74

You're right Sunn - action is what you need now

I found I didn't need to understand why to start to work on the problem - my mind got clearer later to help me work out the whys

D

Mark75

Shame?

Sunn

Mark,

Maybe. It's definitely shameful to think I can't control myself when it comes to a drink. But, in my sober life I don't feel ashamed about anything. Sure, my life is sucking right now, but besides the excessive and insane amounts of drinking, I'm fine. I have a great family who can and are helping me financially and emotionally, but because of all the other family drama like untimely deaths, I've resisted burdening them with my issues.

I said it on another post but who has difficulty controlling themselves when it comes to eating apples or watching TV? I feel ashamed that my addiction is something that makes me sloppy and lazy and stupid and that it's an addiction at all. I'm not supposed to be addicted. I'm supposed to be able to "handle my problems." I could be addicted to organic foods but, no, I'm addicted to boozing. I'm addicted to alcohol. All alcohol. It doesn't matter how it tastes, I'll mix whiskey with Mt. Dew, ****, I'll drink vodka and milk...and I HATE milk, I just want to get my buzz on. Wow, that feels good to say. Even if I'm just typing it. Maybe you're on to something. I'm ashamed that I drink and it makes me drink and then I just get more ashamed and pour another drink.

EmeraldRose

I understand how you feel about trying and failing. Its better not to try at all, right? Wrong. It will all happen in your time.
I have been drinking for 30 years. I have been through 2 marriages and had 4 children. Moved many times, been through many experiences, many places and many feelings. Through all those years I drank. Alot of times it was my only coping mechanism. They don't have a class in High School for coping -that is a life lesson to learn. And how do we learn? From our mistakes. Mistakes are made to learn from...if we don't learn from them then the lesson intensifies and as stubborn children, kick our feet and stubbornly refuse to listen. If we take our mistakes and make it a lesson learned and move on -life's gears run more smoothly. Then we can get it.
My family new nothing of my addiction. I have wonderful parents both in their 80's and I didn't want to burden them either. The day after I lost my job I talked to my Mom and she cheerfully asked how my new job was going. Wale, I went numb and had to tell them the truth. All of it -every last detail of my 30 year addiction. I was afraid I had dissapointed them and I'd hear how I ruined my life and and and.....but you know what? They love me anyway. The next day I received a bouquet of flowers because my dad said I sounded like I needed to smile.
Recently, I told my brother...he is a very well educated higher up in the medical world and has done counseling and very smart -unlike his addicted sister. LOL Of all the people I knew would understand I knew he would. Why did it take me so long. Because time wasn't ready. I needed to get to a certain point in my recovery to talk to him. It worked, he just happened to be home from his busy life schedule and we talked for 2 hours. His advice was to make sure I worked my program every single minute of every single day. There was no pity or you're a dumb gooberhead...just work your program!
Anyway, it took me a LOOONG time for my time to be right where the stars aligned and I could comfortabley admit and take action against my addiction. I did hit a bottom...I lost my job. BUT everything happens in sequence and everything played out in my life and all I had to do was follow along and not go against the grain. When things were feeling overwhelming I stopped and took time for patience, took a breath, say the serenity prayer and let things happen naturally.
You don't have to admit your an alcoholic today, tomorrow or next month...time will tell you when to do all that. You are aware of what you're doing and how it affects you and things will happen.
Wishing you peace and strength.

Ranger

You should be proud of yourself, Sunn. That's damned good stuff.

Mark75

Shame was a huge part of my early recovery.

Zencat

Sunn my friend, what is likely to help you in early recovery is to do as Dee suggested:
One of the hardest things I had to do in early recovery was to trust the process of recovering without question(s). To have a treatment plan and stick to it, no matter what I thought about my situation. I understand that fear can have one trying to know & understand everything about a situation. This is a time to abandon fear and trust the process. After some sober time you'll likely begin to have come clarity about what to do. Then you will have the answers to come to you intuitively. What used to baffle you will fade away as clarity brings insight to what to do.