My first post - before and after!
 

I joined up a few weeks ago and have been reading here every day and wanted to say hi and what a fantastic support group this is.

I have no idea where to start with my story. Like a lot of people I grew up with both parents as functioning alcoholics. I had my first drink (rum)when I was 11, at a school prom night. Got caught and was suspended for one week. My parents were more worried about what people would think, rather than my drinking.

Lots of binge drinking from then till my mid 20's when I became pregnant and stopped and never really took it back up as it didn't fit the image I had imagined for me as the 'perfect mother' (the opposite to what I considered to be my mother).

I was blessed with two beautiful daughters and I devoted myself to them.

Seven years ago my marriage broke up, and I found myself back on the singles scene and got reaquainted with alcohol. I just dabbled a little bit here and there, when I went with friends, having a good time. I thought I had things pretty much under control.. coping really well as a single mum.

Four years ago (in my past life) the Police knocked on my front door and asked me if they could come in. I knew it was bad news. I became hysterical and was begging them to tell me that it wasn't one of my girls. But it was. My beautiful 16 year old had been killed in a car crash. That was the end of happiness for me.

I've been diagnosed with PTSD and I had a psychologist up until six months ago when she left.

The only medication I've used has been alcohol. Huge amounts of it to block out the pain and help me function, somewhat. I had some blackouts and my youngest daughter has had to look after me, at times. At my worst I was drinking about two bottles of red wine a night and sometimes a few straight scotches as well. I'm ashamed to say I drank drove as well. Thank God I never hurt anyone or got caught.

At the start of last year, I decided to cut down for my daughter. I control drank one bottle of champagne per night (I called that 4 drinks) and did pretty good sticking with that plan. I would wait till I picked her up from school, and then have my first drink and have all the bottle finished within 1 hour tops. Then spend the next few hours trying to act sober!

My daughter hated seeing me drinking and was constantly on my back about it. I felt so guilty.. I felt like she was growing up with a mother just like I had.. and I knew how she felt. She somehow got me to agree to pour out one glass of champagne from my bottle each night... so I was only having 3 glasses instead of 4. She would stand guard while I did this lol. There was a couple of occasions though, where I would buy my daily bottle of champagne, plus a mini bottle of scotch, which I would hide and drink secretly from her so she always thought I only had my 3 drinks.

At the start of this year I was mostly down to 2 glasses per week day, and I let myself drink 3 or 4glasses on Fri/Sat/Sun nights as a reward.

I saw a doctor in February about my depression and drinking and she wanted to put me straight onto anti-depressants. I've always been a bit scared of anti-depressants, I have no idea why. So I decided I would stop drinking and see if that helps my depression.

I stopped at the start of March but I haven't decided if it's forever yet. The first week was really hard with lots of feelings of emptiness, cravings and headaches.

Instead of the alcohol, I eat chocolate every night and drink heaps of water.

My depression is different now to when I was drinking. Not as black and hopeless, but I still don't have much energy or motivation to do much. I used the alcohol to mask my grief, so I'm hoping now that I'm feeling again, this will be the start of my healing.

Sorry for such a long first post....

Welcome to SR! We're glad you're here!

Glad you're hear, Cassandra. Thanks for your post!

Welcome to the gang Cassandralee :)

D

Wow - I can only imagine what you've been through..... I am truly sorry about the loss of your daughter. I'm a single mom too and picked the drinking back up after a period of being sober and after I reentered the world post-divorce.

I've also had to be treated for depression. The anti-d's just keep things from spiraling downhill, which is important as I try to stay sober. I still have bad days, but not to where I feel there's nothing to get out of bed for.

The first several months of sobriety I had very little energy and very little motivation, and that seems to be fairly common. I don't know what happened, but by the 4th month I had lots of energy, looked better, and sobriety felt normal. So be patient with yourself. Also, don't be afraid to go back to counseling or a support group for other parents who have lost children.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers......:hug:

I am so sorry to hear of your daughters passing. At least you understand now that you can go ahead with the grieving process without the drinking. It will be so much for healing and fufilling in your soul.
I'm glad you found us...welcome.

Welcome
L

Sorry to know of the tragic loss of your daughter....:hug:
You have lived thru every parents worse fear.

Welcome to SR
:wave:

Welcome to SR Cassandra. I am so terribly sorry snout your daughters. They say that is the worst thing that a parent can go through.

Grief was the trigger that spiraled my drinking out of control. I thought I would drink until the pain went away...only it morphed into something else and took on a life of its own with the booze.

You can be happy again...for your sake and that of your daughter.

Xoxoxo,

Tina

Thank you everyone for the kind words and warm welcome.

I did the same LaFemme, just drank and drank until it felt like nothing seemed to matter anymore. Now I'm having to feel the emotions and painful memories that I tried so hard to block. I would definately love to feel the feeling of joy again... everyday I wake up I am proud of myself for not drinking.

Thank you for posting. The grief over my mother passing and my 1st marriage breaking up sent me into very heavy drinking. i cant imagine losing a child. I think you have been through hell on earth with that. My prayers go out to you. Please find an AA meeting. I think the fellowship with everything you have been through would do wonders. All my best to you!

Thanks for sharing your story, I'm very sorry for the loss of your daughter.

Welcome to SR, I'm glad your here.

Welcome Cassandralee! I'm so happy your here. You'll find loads of support. Feeling emotions is something we all go through once we're sober.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. I hope in some small way we can ease some of your pain.


Best Wishes To You! :welcome

Cassandralee,
You might consider looking into a grief support or bereavement group. In my community, these can be found at some local churches, funeral homes and at area hospitals and hospice agencies. I've learned from my own life that unresolved grief is that -- unresolved -- and it comes back to haunt us at a later point in our lives. I am so sorry for your loss.
Susan

Thank you again everyone for your kind words and support.

I agree with you susanlauren, there are no shortcuts around grief. I wish there was but I have definately found out that no matter how much I drank, it hasn't helped me and in fact, has made my life even harder. I know it's time for me to try to do the hard work without my crutch and face my grief sober!! One day at a time.

I think I'm ready to give it a go again. I was having group therapy at a road trauma centre at the beginning, and I went for a while, but I found it was too painful and I would cry all the way home and then just drink myself into oblivion.

Now that I'm not drinking, I'm feeling stronger and want to give grief therapy another go.

Cassandra: I'm so proud of you for going forward. I cannot imagine what you have gone through, but I've spent my life in terror of losing a child. It is incredible that you have shown such strength.

This is a great place for you. Be sure to share often.

Thank you Missy. I totally understand your fear. I was the same, always scared something bad would happen to one of my girls.

I still carry fears about my youngest daughter (who is now older in earth years than her angel sister).. but the one thing I know now, is that there really is only today.... every single moment with her, every hug and kiss I treasure and I don't take them for granted anymore...