FNB3

This will be unpopular and may make me sound like a bad person but I'm just looking for honesty.

I think it motivates me, when I hear about others failing in recovery, to keep going. It may be the competitive side of me or it may be that others failures raises the value of it for me. I guess I hold a belief that if it was so easy that everyone could do it whenever they wanted.

What is the first emotion you feel when you hear that an acquaintance has relapsed?

It's different for the people you love.

I would have to say that it inspires me to keep going. I don't think I'm a bad person for that. Right now it's all about me.

Lost3000

If it helps you that I fell off the wagon then I say good. At least my failure is helping someone else. Keep on keeping on.

GettingStronger2

I am sad for the person who had a slip or relapse, but i also try to take as an opportunity to learn, and if possible, teach.

I wouldn't say it motivates me. Just makes me appreciate the tenacity of the disease.

strawberryashes

I can't say I understand where you are coming from. It does make me giggle a little bit that you had the balls to say it out loud.

When I was in 5th grade I cut my hair really short. I remember every time I would go anywhere I would look for another girl with really short hair. I thought if I could find one other girl who had a boy cut I wouldn't feel so different. I guess that is what I want from this group (and amongst other recoveries), to feel like I fit in somewhere. That I'm not the only ten year old girl with really short hair.

I think if something works for you, it's okay. I would be really sad to hear that someone trying to recover had a bad relapse though, no matter how casually I knew them. I am not competitive in the least. I bond best with people by feeling with them. I did cry during "The brave little toaster" though, so maybe I'm just way too much a girl.

However, I am in the stage of my recovery that I kind of like hearing about bad things people did before they decided to quit. If only for the reason that it gives me a little security that I'm not the only one who has done such things.

bellakeller

I hate it. Every time I hear or read of someone relapsing, I feel a pain for them right in my gut. My body viscerally remembers the trauma I put it through when I drank, and I want to take out a vendetta against the disease. Stupid, I know.

I hate this disease so much. I hate what it does to people and not just the people directly stuck in it. Alcoholism is a weapon of mass destruction.

Mark75

I usually wonder what was missing in their program... is it willingness? Honesty? What did they miss? Surrender? Sometimes I am amazed and saddened by how powerful alcoholism is and how destructive it is for all involved.

Maybe early on there was a little competitiveness, IDK... I don't think you are saying anything that hasn't been thought of or discussed before...

FNB3

That's the added value for me. I've always had a streak of defiance and I'm finding it to be my greatest asset now.

Some say I'm not getting the First Step, not admitting that I'm powerless. I have a really hard time with that. I'm centered on the premise that I can't let this beat me. We'll see how that goes.

Surlyredhead

I completely understand what you are saying. The way I read it, it is not that you are glad that they failed, but you are using it as a learining/motivational tool. That is not a bad thing, we learn just as much form others successes as we do from their missteps (I just can't bring myself to say failure as long as we get back up and try again, we are not failing)

That said, the first thing I feel when I read about someone relapsing, especially if they have a lot of sober time is.....fear, you read that right, it scares the living crap out of me. If someone (who is just like me) can slip, that means I can slip too. It really brings my awareness level WAY up. I really try to focus on where I am in my own recovery, because, if I am not moving forward, I am slipping backward. For me there is no standing still...forward, or back.

So in a way, it also helps me go forward too. No, I don't think you are not a bad person, just like me, you want to stay sober, by any means necessary.

Also, for me, I have some family members who are sober, and some who can't seem to stay sober at all...it is no different when they relapse. I kind of think that we (in recovery, or trying to get there) are all in the same boat...extended family you might say.

Cathy

Opivotal

IMO failure makes you stronger! I believe everyone of us has a path to follow. When we hit a bump in our journey, its a lesson we need to learn. Move forward with more experience and hopefully better tools to help us in daily life.

Personally I feel badly when someone fails at anything, not just recovery. But I look forward to their successes! In other words I don't feel empowered by someone's failure.


Best Wishes To You! :ghug3

Ranger

If hearing about other's struggles sensitizes you to the possibility of relapse and thereby motivates you to redouble your efforts, then I would argue that's exactly the point!

If OTOH you somehow delight in hearing relapse accounts, I would humbly suggest some soul searching.

I think you meant the former, though.

Mark75

Then you are still fighting it... That's fine, maybe that will work for you. Really.

FNB3

I don't delight in others plight (got to remember that one).

I envision the battle against this what it might be like to be a fighter pilot in a battle. I imagine being lined up with other jets in a battle. You start out with many and quickly your team is getting picked off one by one around you. I could imagine fear and a razor sharp focus to stay alive comes everytime someone goes down.

Bikeguy

When I read of someone failing I try to learn from there experience if they are sharing it, I feel bad for them and hope they can get back on track but I figure there is strength in knowledge.

smacked

I understand what you're saying, I think.

I know my perspective about other people in recovery has changed over time. Obviously it's not my business or concern, but as a member of a community, I'm not immune to my own reactions.

Very early on, when I'd visit this site, or go to meetings.. I was jealous of people who kept drinking. Because they "got" to. (sick huh?).

A little later than that, I think my jealously evolved to fear and sadness. Fear that I would drink again, sadness for their continued struggle.

Which then evolved to more of a "thank goodness it wasn't me" (which is where I think you're finding yourself). And I was continuing my recovery work, which led me to know that it wasn't something that could "happen" to me, it was something I was in control of.

Now, I think I've come to some weird point of not being able to identify very closely with people who are still using/drinking. For me, and my recovery, that's healthy. But it sure doesn't make me a very helpful recovery community member I suppose.

Just my .02

Eddiebuckle

This is a pretty morbid thread, but sadly relapse is a reality. I don't know anyone really well who has relapsed in the 14 months I've been sober. Its sad to hear of acquiantences who fell off the wagon. Usually you just stop seeing them at meetings sometimes they come back, others stay away. Makes you wonder what they were thinking.

I do know of two people who died as a result of drinking in the past few months. One died of liver failure, funeral was last week (absolutely horrendous scene). The other committed suicide after relapsing, he was the husband of a member of my home group.

We're not dealing with chicken pox here - this sh*t plays for keeps. Thats what I take from it.

FNB3

I am fighting. I can't say that the 12 steps are definitely right for me. They have worked great for so many people for such a long time that I could never say anything bad about them. It's just that some of the ideas in them conflict with my values and ideals, making it hard for me to completely adopt at this time.

FNB3

Not sick at all. I'm not jealous of addicts that are still using. I am however still jealous of those who can partake in use without problems.

OklaBH

It makes me value my sobriety even more. I've made a few UTurns. If that helped someone..good. We all have a common goal here.

omegasupreme

Relapse does not have to be part of recovery. It is almost a trap that the ego can fall into, when one hears people consistently talk about what they learned on the last relapse. Keeps one from being present, hear, now! Awake!

All the talk around relapse can be the key to keeping one sick as well. The chronic relapser tends to get more attention when relapsing rather than existing in a recovered state. Playing the victim is easy and no recovery can come until that ends.

FNB3

Omega...very helpful post.

You know we are children, at least the newcomers, trying to work our way through Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Food, water, shelter, acceptance, attention etc...

I truly believe in the notion of arrested development. You are as emotionally mature as you were the day you started using. Some are embarrassed by the way they act when first in recovery but its completely age appropriate, so to speak.