Day 3, Really Day 1
 

I suck. I drank last night. Not a ton, but I did drink. I don't feel guilty, more like I let myself down. It's like something in my head said F it. And I went for it. I made the conscious decision to do it. I thought about it, I waited some time. I had the whole commute home to think about it. And I just decided to do it.

I regretted it as soon as I started feeling the affects. But no turning back. So I had a couple of vodka sodas and a couple of half glasses of wine.

So then of course I woke up in the middle of the night, didn't sleep well at all. And today I'm a bit depressed and down because of it. Partly because of the physicality of drinking and depression and partly because I let myself down. I want to be sober.

Does anyone here work in law? I do. I had a particularly long and hard day yesterday. I was in a courtroom and couldn't get away even for a bathroom break. I began to get really hungry and headachey. I did get a starbucks sweet drink right after leaving the courthouse, but it only temporarily eased my stress. I think that when I got home, I was still stressed and tired and hungry. A bad combo which is why I think it was easier for me to go ahead and drink.

Anyhow, I'll keep trying. Thanks for the support out there. I'm going to a mtg. over the lunch hour. There's one only a block or so from my office.

well, i am a lawyer. Haven't practiced in a few years, work for Thomson West (West publishing) now. But yes, it is a stressful profession. Lots of substance abuse. Meetings are full of lawyers, go figure.

Get to that meeting, will do you good.

Hey Lost! Sorry about your slip.

I worked in law, so I understand the stresses of that job. The reality is many people get sober while in stressful situations. We all have many "triggers", the trick is figuring out what works for you in not giving in to it.

You don't suck. You are an alcoholic that hasn't excepted the implications of drinking. Have you gone to a councelor or AA? You will get great tools there to deal with stressful days.

I think you have a good plan. Keep it up. The longer you put between you and alcohol the easier it'll get!

Ok, you drank, now pick yourself up, dust your self off and get back at the task at hand. I figure we learn from our mistakes so look at last night and see if you can find things you could have done differently so next time you can put those lessons into practice.

Maybe you needed to drink to remember why you don't need to drink. :) There is nothing like waking at 3am (something I used to do every night) full of regrets and alcohol withdraw. It's so hard when life is beating you down with stress.
Don't be hard on yourself. Things happen. It is a process. We all fall off the wagon sometimes. The most important thing is that we get right back on.

ha! I drank so I could remember why I don't want to drink! Love it!!

Well, I realize now I should have been more prepared. I knew I'd be in the courtroom for hours. I should have packed tea (my go to drink) and a breakfast bar or something for sustenance. Then, when I got home, I should have had a planned stress relief activity. Something I still don't have lined up. I wouldn't have wanted to go to the gym because I was hungry with a headache. I suppose I could have asked my husband to start dinner so it was ready when I got home - because having dinner would have done the trick.

My job can be stressful, but for the most part it isn't. And I'm one of the few who actually LOVE what I do.

Re: A counselor. I did see one two years ago, but I couldn't really come clean completely about my drinking. Because I work in law I am extraordinarily aware of how insurance works. I also have a deep fear of being found out at work. I can't afford to pay a therapist cash out of my pocket, my insurance provides for 20-30 visits per year with a very low co-pay. And the crappy way my insurance works, well, it doesn't really outline who does what - they are all therapists. It's not like there's a list that says, these people help alcoholics! And I had to go see a few before finding a decent one, a non-quack. Even the decent one got awful, spending the hour talking about Obama. At the end, he announced to me that the insurance wasn't paying enough and surely I wouldn't mind paying more than my usual co-pay? He knew what I did for a living and figured I could easily pay more. Soooo unethical.

Anyhow, yes, I will dust myself off and get back on the saddle again. Thanks everyone. I do feel bad.

Well, first of all, you don't suck. It's hard at first to fight those urges day after day. Good for you for going to a meeting - it really does get easier after a while, so hang in there.....:ghug3

Something I did in the first couple weeks was to treat myself to a great meal each evening (carry-out from my favorite restaurants). It gave me something to look forward to each day instead of drinking. I also got myself some great things to drink like those expensive, healthy smoothies. I often drink a little bit throughout the day so I don't get too ravenous. If you don't have a refrigerator at work, maybe you could keep some drinks/snacks in a cooler..... (a good B vitamin also helps).

Remember that the alcoholic voice still wants to be in control, but if we don't feed it, it get weaker and weaker. Hope you have a better day today!

I love my job, love the people I work with. I get paid well, I have a very good life. I live well. I have a husband who loves me no matter. No kids, so our lives are very comfortable. So, what the heck is my problem??? I can't just enjoy my life, I have to do something to alter my consciousness??

Anyhow, 2 yrs. ago I went to my first AA mtg. and saw a colleague there. That had me outta there!! I still see him around but neither of us mention it. I'm not entirely sure he even saw me. The locale I go to is inner city, so most of them seem street-like.

Lucky you got out of the billable hour life!

Thanks. I do have a fridge at work. I just didn't plan for my work day yesterday outside of the office.

I like your plan of a nice dinner nightly.

After reading your post, this line jumped out at me.

"I want to be sober." :)

That's all it takes is that desire to want to be sober.
It's a good first step we all begin with when we start
our recovery journey. Even for me 20 yrs ago when
my family stepped in with an intervention, doing for
me by getting me help to get sober that I couldnt do
for myself.

While in my 28 day rehab they handed me a blue book
called Alcoholics Anonymous and a Twelve and Twelve
Step Book and a small black 24 Hours a Day book. These
3 books would be the tools I would learn from and that
was my guideline to learning to stay sober a day at a time.

I have and still incorperate those tools and knowldege some
20 yrs later in my everyday life, passing on that knowledge
of what it was like before during and after alcohol to those
who still suffer with addiction.

Today I live a happy joyous and free life without alcohol
enjoying the rewards and promises stated in that blue book
of Alcoholics Anonymous. I ride passanger with my awesome
husband on our Road King whom we share recovery together
riding with the wind in our faces:biglaugh: and the sun:shine8pl: on our shoulders.

Lost 3000:

The BAD news is, you don't suck, you're an alcoholic.
The GOOD news is, you don't suck, you're an alcoholic.

And there are a LOT of us out there, just like you. Don't beat yourself up. It took me 2 weeks of posting on SR before I got up enough nerve to go to an AA mtg. Never touched a drink since.

Some practical advice...go buy a big bag of chocolate, reeses pb cups, m&m's, whatever. When you start craving a drink your body is actually physically craving the sugar in alcohol, and sweets reduce the craving. AA and practicing the 12 steps will reduce the cravings even further to the point where they'll barely cross your mind over time. I still eat a lot of chocolate.

Zube

Such a nice post. So glad you found a happy life, gives me a little hope.

Right now I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. Up, down, up, down.

Zube. I like your posts. A lot.

One thing I noticed: It's very easy for me to sit here and post and not drink. Much harder when at home. I think what I will do tonight is go home, straight to my office, and post. I noticed there is a mtg. tonight so I'll attempt to pop in to that.

AA is intimidating. You feel like everyone's looking at you, wondering what your deal is. No freaking way am I going to speak!!

I figured out the sugar/alcohol connection last go around. Everyone told me, just think of the weight you'll lose since you cut the calories of booze! Instead, I gained weight. Must have been all of those ice cream sundaes!

The higher power part of AA is a HUGE struggle for me, and I know it is for a lot of people. I think if I could just get over that I'd be on my way. Maybe.

You have today!
 

You are sober today. Learn from your mistake and learn to use the tools from AA. I had an excuse everyday for 27yrs. My mind worked that way. Then I got the tools. It really helps! Use Them!

I've been going over the Twelve and Twelve. A lot of godspeak which is annoying. But I will not dismiss. I just don't consider God a tool for me. I do consider the mtgs. and talking with people a tool. So I will try. Thanks.

Lost3000:

I can relate to both things that you said. For me they kind of go together. AA can be intimidating...don't speak. We usually joke around in AA that most of the oldtimers in AA are too busy thinking about what THEY are going to say than worrying about whether or not a newcomer is going to speak. That is, of course, a joke.

I struggled with the higher power thing too. I wanted that "Burning Bush" experience, or sign from God. It took some time, and everyone is different, but the lightbulb went on in my head when I realized that my higher power is God, and he speaks to me through the voices of AA. If I kept waiting for God to appear in full glory, choir of angels at hand, bolts of thunder and lightning, booming voice and burning bush, well, I might be waiting a long time. But if I stop waiting, and just listen, I can hear my higher power speak to me every day through the voices of AA.

Try not to struggle to hard with the higher power thing. It comes, with time. All you need is an open mind. Besides, that's step 2. Start with step 1, "We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable." And the only requirement for AA is a DESIRE to stop drinking. Nothing else. Go to the meeting. Just listen.

Good luck to you Lost3000,
One day at a time.
Zube

AA Tools of Recovery:
Abstinence
Meetings
Sponsor
Telephone
Literature
Service
Anonymity

Never mentions God. Hope this helps.
Zube

So interesting to me, I could not accept Step 1 two years ago. Could not. Would not. And now...I can say it. I am powerless over alcohol. I can't stop at one. Maybe I'm not a fall down drunk but having just one drink does mean I'll have another and another.

I also want to be sober. I don't want to be depressed, feeling down about my actions.

ugh. Going to a meeting very soon now.