recycle

Thanks JB, really good stuff. I have to admit I reveled in the immorality of drinking, or perhaps more accurately the amorality of it. I was getting away with something. Every other part of my life was by the book: wife, job, taxes, etc. I used to call myself a born rule follower. Through drinking, I thought I was getting over on the society, my family, my employer. An FU to everyone and everything that told me what to do. It was quite an ego trip.

Thanks again!

Supercrew

Recycle, it's so funny you bring that up. I found that I loved the fact that I felt I was getting over on everyone. It was like I was this stand up guy, a good parent, a good provider, a good coach, basically a good all around person, with a nasty secret, and I enjoyed the feeling that when I was drinking I was pulling the wool over everyones eyes. It made me feel like a tough guy, and that was alot of the allure. Once I realized this I understood that it was a maturity thing, and I wanted to be that 17 year old highschool tough guy again, and alcohol was a way for me to feel that way.

dfw

I'm completely surprised that this summarizes exactly what I've been feeling. I used to be very introspective and enjoyed reading philosophy prior to drinking.

"With this new mindset, I stopped worrying about or even caring about all the conventional wisdom, such as hidden causes of addiction, triggers, warning signs of relapse, meeting attendance, coping strategies, one day at a time, nobody can do it alone, most people won't make it, relapse is a part of recovery, post acute withdrawal, stages of recovery, pink clouds, etc."

It's funny because I'm so "new to recovery", I thought something was wrong by me feeling similarly to the above quote. This also echos something my therapist and I discussed the other day, about how when I would do something terrible when drinking, I would feel a huge amount of regret. It's because I was violating my own personal code of ethics and morality.

I've recently been heavily invested in Buddhism and its philosophy, the concept of suffering and being able to cope with suffering on your own is particularly interesting given my current state. I also read something by the Dalai Lama that suggested regret as an engine of change and not to dwell on the past for self-pity, but to really critically examine the past to discover how it relates to your true-self.

My biggest problem with attending AA, and no offense to anyone going to meetings, was I felt like I was emotionally dragged down into the midst of a group of people I couldn't fully identify with. People have suggested I check out other groups, programs, etc, but really therapy is helping, sobriety is helping, and dammit JBC you're helping me too. It's great to know someone else out there feels similarly to myself. Thank you.

recycle

Yes Supercrew 'maturity' is a fine word for it, so is Silkworth's 'psychic change', or the BB's 'spiritual awakening', or the "inner change in my thinking" as JB puts it. I think it is all the same thing.

I think it can be done in one step, twelve, or forty-seven. I believe it needs to be transcendent to all states of mind to have any real power, and it requires continual growth of the individual to remain effective. There are lots of nuances and pitfalls along the way, but it is doable, and it is worth it.

saphira

JB, I will join the rest of the people here in thanking you for your post. I'm fairly new to recovery--about a month in, and this way of thinking never occurred to me but I can tell already that what you said is going to help me. The things I did while drinking are so completely opposite to the person I really am... I knew I always felt guilty for things I've said and done while drinking, but it surprises me that I never put it together that I felt guilty because I was going against my own moral code. The same way with smoking (which I unfortunately still do). I smoke about a pack a day, but still don't consider myself a "smoker" because that concept is so foreign to the "real me". Ironically, before I started drinking and smoking I was morally against both. Then somehow I found myself thrown into it all and still felt it was wrong while doing it. I will definitely use what you have said to analyze how I truly feel about things. What a wonderful idea to think of it as a morality issue! Like I said, I never thought of it that way before but I definitely will now. Thank you so much!!

SwanSong

John, thank you for sharing your story and experience. I think it's amazing how there are so many possible roads to recovery. And congrats on your sobriety!

AWOL

Thank you for the amazing post JB. I really identified with the morality issue, because it's an intuitive morality, almost a genetic code of understanding what is right and what is not (yes, we know intuitively it's wrong to microwave the cat!). It also made me consider that alcoholism has its roots in conditioned thinking based on environmental influences as opposed to original thinking based on personal investigation. To confront this essence of our intuitive morality as you have done and to act on it alone is courageous and heart-warming. Thank you!

JohnBarleycorn

Thank you all for your thoughts. I honestly did not expect this type of response.

Mida

Just have to jump in albeit late as I read this thread from the link of another post...

Thanks for sharing and I, too, relate...I am a born "overthinker." And, of course, I used this personality trait to feel above others, hence my alcoholic ego. I've spent countless hours analyzing my life, drinking, and the choices I made. During my active drinking, I would arrive at the conclusion that I was entitled to drink because somehow I was above morality. Never mind that when I was drinking and/or hungover I was mean, nasty, selfish, rude...everything except a moral human being.

Now sober and slowly getting back to my old thinking patterns, I see how twisted that mentality was and how it always led me to the next drink. I used to have these crazy conversations with my spouse while drunk that were basically me telling him the rest of the world sucked and since he was part of it, then he sucked, too, and that I was the one truly enlightened human being on the planet and I was unhappy and depressed because it was such a lonely place to be. And I actually believed all that crap I was telling him and myself! It's a wonder he would sit through those "conversations" and he was always sober...God, I must have sounded like such an idiot!

Anyhow, thanks again and great topic!