dfw

Today is day 23 and sobriety has had it's highs and lows for me. I've been seeing an addiction counselor and it's helped me tremendously to understand why I drank in the past. I can pinpoint the moments where my drinking progressed to where it was 23 days ago.

My girlfriend left me because of my drinking, and still won't talk to me. I tried to call her last night (I only called once, since I'm not crazy/obsessive) for the first time since my drunken meltdown. She has no idea that I am sober, going back to school part-time, gotten more serious about my job, and have really started to figure myself out for the first time in years.

I wanted to talk to her since a mutual friend is having a concert Thursday and she will most definitely be there. I don't know what to do, since the tension will still be there and it would be nice to have started to speak amicably prior to Thursday. I'm thinking about not going, but that would be a huge let down for my friend and an act of cowardice on my part. I really don't want to get roped into conversation with her about what happened though...it's not an appropriate place to talk about such things.

Any advice would be appreciated.

cupressus

Congrats on the 23 days. Is a short but honest email not an option? She would have time to think about a reply, unlike with the telephone where you _must_ say something straightaway.

I personally would probably not mention sobriety though, just say I hope she does not mind you being there and hope to exchange a few words after such a long time, but you must know her, maybe writing about you being 'normal again' is better? The true question is do you really still hope getting back together because if yes, it is quite easy for a woman to recognize that straight away, and it may not help your conversation. Unless she would want it too. I'd keep a little distance at first I guess.

dfw

Well she did mention that she was attracted to me in the first place because I had my life together. Then my drinking problem reared its ugly head this winter. Maybe sobriety would be good to mention? I would like to get back together with her, but I realize I put her through a lot of pain and only time can heal that wound. I'm trying to shy away from any mention of my desire to get back together with her.

LaFemme

If I remember correctly it was a pretty catastrophic episode that led to your break up...as a woman 23 days would be insufficient for me. However, I agree that email is better than the phone but don't expect a reply. I think its ok to say you are sober and getting help, that you realize you will may e see each other on Thursday and you wanted to say something before then.

Congrats on 23 days and getting help.

littlefish

I notice a lot of people prioritize relationships, jobs, status, money, etc etc as the big loss due to drinking. I think the biggest loss is the drinking itself. Relationships come and go, as do jobs, housing, etc.
But you and the bottle, well, that relationship can last for decades.

OklaBH

I'm sorry so much happened. As an alcoholic myself I can assure you that our words mean nothing to those we offended. Give your sobriety more time. Before you make any rash moves talk to your therapist. Keep us updated!!

bellakeller

One thing I learned early on in this process is the old adage is a hard one but wise; "If you love someone, set them free". This is the most loving thing you can do for a person who is recovering from the pain brought on as a result of this disease and our sick actions while in the throes of it.

Give her space and time. If it's meant to be, she'll be back. Also, if you make contact with her, stop and question your motives for doing so. If they point to a selfish motivation, then it's probably not a healthy tack to take.

Eddiebuckle

DFW,

Congrats on 23 days. If you want to go to the concert, go. It wouldn't be a bad idea to send your ex-gf an email saying that you will be there, hoping it won't be awkward, etc. and leave it at that. AA has the one year relationship rule of thumb for a reason, early relationships in early sobriety compete for attention even for the most dedicated among us. She clearly doesn't want to have a relationship with a drunk, so focus on your sobriety (the present) as opposed to the failed relationship (past) or getting her back (future).

If you two have a future, she'll figure out that you are sober by your actions as opposed to your words. Give it time, this will work out in the long run if you just let it unfold naturally. But first and foremost - focus on your sobriety, everything else is secondary.

dfw

This has been the most well thought out response anyone has given me. And I think I will go to that concert, even if I only say hello, she'll still see me not drinking the whole night.

SullenGirl

As someone else mentioned... Really taking a look at your motives for contact is crucial right now. I recently found myself in the same situation with an ex, however they were making the contact... They genuinely JUST wanted to be friends and go for coffee. Of course I lied to myself and said that I too, could just respect what they wanted and keep it platonic and casual. It took two weeks for us to feel like we are experiencing our break up all over again.

If you can respect her decision to break up with you and really aren't telling her about your sobriety in hopes that she will come back... Then go for it... because you might set yourself up for heartache otherwise.

dfw

I mean personally, I just want to tell her because she is/was one of my closest friends, regardless of intimacy. I'm not really setting my hopes on her coming back, it would be nice, but like one of the previous posters pointed out...sobriety comes first.

Anna

Yes, sobriety does come first.

And, personally, I don't think you should contact her, but let her see how you are by your actions. I think it's important to learn in recovery that expectations can lead to big problems. If it's meant to be, it will happen.

fulminouscherub

One of the things I'm hoping to learn in sobriety is how to not keep putting myself into relationships that just disappear. I'm tired of feeling like Rip Van Winkle.

I know the right thing to do is to let go, but that's really difficult. But that's what contrary action is all about, isn't it. The reason it's so hard is that it's the right thing to do and we don't want to do it.