First post... Here goes!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 144
First post... Here goes!
Hello -
I think I am a functional alcoholic, and I think I want to stop drinking.
I say "I think" because right now, I'm just having all these inner arguments with myself. I haven't had a drink since Tuesday (4 days) which isn't much of a big deal for me. I've stopped for days, weeks, months, even a year or so. But things seem different now.
Maybe because it's about the fact that it's a progressive disease. I see things about my drinking changing. I'm becoming more aware of thought patterns I don't want to struggle with any more.
I never drink in the morning. I never had a DUI. I never lost a job from drinking, etc. BUT I've had other symptoms. Back when I was in college and living at home, I hid wine bottles in my closet!! I haven't said that to anybody -- I am still ashamed of it, decades later.
I like to drink alone and write crazy, long emails to close friends and family. At the time, it feels like I'm on this great fervent, brilliant roll of thoughts. Then the next day I am so embarrassed, I don't even want to read what I wrote.
I've been able to enjoy a glass of wine or two with dinner, or skip it, at least over the past several years. But I'd frequently binge, and now it's to the point that whenever I start with a drink or two, I want to binge. I either do binge, or I fight it. It is difficult after 2-3 glasses of wine to switch to herb tea for the rest of the night. I feel irritable. I feel the cravings for more alcohol.
Lately once I start, I tend to want to drink whatever I can to keep it going. We have bottles of sweet liquers around, and I'll take some of those -- a little from each, thinking then my husband won't notice. (It doesn't take long before they all have two drops left in them. He notices!)
I am ashamed to say, I have even hid a bottle of hard liquor, to "supplement" when I can't get enough wine or other alcohol to suit my desire for it. He still doesn't know about that.
When I wake up with a hangover, I feel SO ashamed of myself, guilty, hating myself... I apologize to him. He still wants me to try to moderate. I don't think he wants to have a wife who doesn't drink at ALL, but he says it's up to me. ("It's up to you, but I wish you could just...") It is partly that we've enjoyed exploring wines together, the same way we like cooking and eating. And, the person who doesn't drink at parties is assumed to be alcoholic, and there's that stigma. I think he's uncomfortable with that, or with people imagining me drunk. (I don't get drunk at parties, oddly enough. Just at home.)
(He doesn't drink to excess, by the way. He'll have one glass with dinner and that's that. He wishes I could do the same. I wish I could do the same. I don't seem to be able to -- not without that irritability I mentioned.)
I have always struggled with depression, and I know alcohol keeps my anti-depressants from working as they should. About 5 years ago, I became suicidal while drunk, and was hospitalized in a dual-diagnosis place for five days. I straightened up, and stayed sober over a year, I think. Then I slipped back, thinking I could handle it. (I could for a little while.)
So I'm thinking of whether I can stop without a crisis like that happening. Two things feel like turning points right now. First, I got a new job that starts in June. It involves working some evenings, and I caught myself thinking, "That means I can't start drinking at 5:00." That was my first thought! I don't want to be stressing about that -- "Let's see, tonight I have to stay until 8:00 so I can't drink until after that" or "Good, Tuesday I'm off at 5:30 so I get to drink sooner" or whatever. And of course, I'm afraid that at some point I could be at work and have people smell alcohol on me, or be outright drunk -- which I've never done, and do not ever want to do.
The other thing is that I have a breast biopsy next week. I've read that drinking can contribute to the risk for breast cancer. So that too was kind of a wake-up call.
Even after all that, though, I'm struggling with this crazy question: "I want to want to stop drinking. How can I get myself to really want to want to stop? But if I want to want to, doesn't that mean I want to?" I'm wanting something to get from my head to my heart where I'm just driven to it, somehow... without a huge crisis point.
Yesterday I went to my first AA meeting. (Well, I'd been to one years ago, which was not a good experience.) I am so good at acting poised and in control, people thought I was somebody's sponsor, not a newcomer. Anyway, afterwards, I had a craving to go drink a bottle of vodka or something. I don't know what that was about -- maybe to prove to myself that it was MY decision, not my husband's or anybody else's; or to prove that I'm still deciding; or to create the crisis that would make me want it desperately; or to say goodbye to being drunk or something, in some climactic way... I don't know!
But I toughed it out and didn't drink. And today I feel stronger.
Except, oddly, I woke up with a splitting headache! One of my patterns has been that after a night of binge drinking, I'd drink nothing the next day, a little the second day, and sometimes binge again on the third day. Last night would have been the third day. So maybe it was part of a rhythm I'm in, and this is like a long-term hangover? Who knows.
Anyway, I think I'm going to go to another meeting today. My adult stepson who lives with us doesn't know I'm doing this, so I was going to say I'm "going out shopping." But he surely knows I drink to excess -- who am I kidding. So maybe I'll just tell him.
The other fear I have is that if I say, "I'm going to AA," and then I ever drink again (or somebody sees me with a drink at a restaurant), it'll be a big embarrassing deal somehow. It's easier to cover it up, in that sense, than to be honest about struggling with it. (Obviously, one of my problems is worrying a lot about what other people think of me, instead of being honest with myself and focusing on me first.)
Whew!!! I didn't think I'd write so much.
Thanks for letting me get all this out there!! I don't think I've been this honest in words, ever.
I think I am a functional alcoholic, and I think I want to stop drinking.
I say "I think" because right now, I'm just having all these inner arguments with myself. I haven't had a drink since Tuesday (4 days) which isn't much of a big deal for me. I've stopped for days, weeks, months, even a year or so. But things seem different now.
Maybe because it's about the fact that it's a progressive disease. I see things about my drinking changing. I'm becoming more aware of thought patterns I don't want to struggle with any more.
I never drink in the morning. I never had a DUI. I never lost a job from drinking, etc. BUT I've had other symptoms. Back when I was in college and living at home, I hid wine bottles in my closet!! I haven't said that to anybody -- I am still ashamed of it, decades later.
I like to drink alone and write crazy, long emails to close friends and family. At the time, it feels like I'm on this great fervent, brilliant roll of thoughts. Then the next day I am so embarrassed, I don't even want to read what I wrote.
I've been able to enjoy a glass of wine or two with dinner, or skip it, at least over the past several years. But I'd frequently binge, and now it's to the point that whenever I start with a drink or two, I want to binge. I either do binge, or I fight it. It is difficult after 2-3 glasses of wine to switch to herb tea for the rest of the night. I feel irritable. I feel the cravings for more alcohol.
Lately once I start, I tend to want to drink whatever I can to keep it going. We have bottles of sweet liquers around, and I'll take some of those -- a little from each, thinking then my husband won't notice. (It doesn't take long before they all have two drops left in them. He notices!)
I am ashamed to say, I have even hid a bottle of hard liquor, to "supplement" when I can't get enough wine or other alcohol to suit my desire for it. He still doesn't know about that.
When I wake up with a hangover, I feel SO ashamed of myself, guilty, hating myself... I apologize to him. He still wants me to try to moderate. I don't think he wants to have a wife who doesn't drink at ALL, but he says it's up to me. ("It's up to you, but I wish you could just...") It is partly that we've enjoyed exploring wines together, the same way we like cooking and eating. And, the person who doesn't drink at parties is assumed to be alcoholic, and there's that stigma. I think he's uncomfortable with that, or with people imagining me drunk. (I don't get drunk at parties, oddly enough. Just at home.)
(He doesn't drink to excess, by the way. He'll have one glass with dinner and that's that. He wishes I could do the same. I wish I could do the same. I don't seem to be able to -- not without that irritability I mentioned.)
I have always struggled with depression, and I know alcohol keeps my anti-depressants from working as they should. About 5 years ago, I became suicidal while drunk, and was hospitalized in a dual-diagnosis place for five days. I straightened up, and stayed sober over a year, I think. Then I slipped back, thinking I could handle it. (I could for a little while.)
So I'm thinking of whether I can stop without a crisis like that happening. Two things feel like turning points right now. First, I got a new job that starts in June. It involves working some evenings, and I caught myself thinking, "That means I can't start drinking at 5:00." That was my first thought! I don't want to be stressing about that -- "Let's see, tonight I have to stay until 8:00 so I can't drink until after that" or "Good, Tuesday I'm off at 5:30 so I get to drink sooner" or whatever. And of course, I'm afraid that at some point I could be at work and have people smell alcohol on me, or be outright drunk -- which I've never done, and do not ever want to do.
The other thing is that I have a breast biopsy next week. I've read that drinking can contribute to the risk for breast cancer. So that too was kind of a wake-up call.
Even after all that, though, I'm struggling with this crazy question: "I want to want to stop drinking. How can I get myself to really want to want to stop? But if I want to want to, doesn't that mean I want to?" I'm wanting something to get from my head to my heart where I'm just driven to it, somehow... without a huge crisis point.
Yesterday I went to my first AA meeting. (Well, I'd been to one years ago, which was not a good experience.) I am so good at acting poised and in control, people thought I was somebody's sponsor, not a newcomer. Anyway, afterwards, I had a craving to go drink a bottle of vodka or something. I don't know what that was about -- maybe to prove to myself that it was MY decision, not my husband's or anybody else's; or to prove that I'm still deciding; or to create the crisis that would make me want it desperately; or to say goodbye to being drunk or something, in some climactic way... I don't know!
But I toughed it out and didn't drink. And today I feel stronger.
Except, oddly, I woke up with a splitting headache! One of my patterns has been that after a night of binge drinking, I'd drink nothing the next day, a little the second day, and sometimes binge again on the third day. Last night would have been the third day. So maybe it was part of a rhythm I'm in, and this is like a long-term hangover? Who knows.
Anyway, I think I'm going to go to another meeting today. My adult stepson who lives with us doesn't know I'm doing this, so I was going to say I'm "going out shopping." But he surely knows I drink to excess -- who am I kidding. So maybe I'll just tell him.
The other fear I have is that if I say, "I'm going to AA," and then I ever drink again (or somebody sees me with a drink at a restaurant), it'll be a big embarrassing deal somehow. It's easier to cover it up, in that sense, than to be honest about struggling with it. (Obviously, one of my problems is worrying a lot about what other people think of me, instead of being honest with myself and focusing on me first.)
Whew!!! I didn't think I'd write so much.
Thanks for letting me get all this out there!! I don't think I've been this honest in words, ever.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here. Please read the stickies (permanent posts) at the top of the forum. They contain a wealth of information.
It's good that you are being honest with yourself. That is the first step in getting help. To be honest, most of us start out as functioning alcoholics. At some point along the way, however, things start to change, as you are seeing. Sometimes it happens slowly, as with you, and sometimes it can happen in a split second. It only takes a second to make a huge mistake and end up with a DUI, or fall asleep at the wheel and hit something or someone, trip and fall down the stairs, changing your life forever. There is no guarantee that it won't happen to anyone who drinks.
Again, welcome to SR! Keep reading and keep posting. You are among very supportive people here.
It's good that you are being honest with yourself. That is the first step in getting help. To be honest, most of us start out as functioning alcoholics. At some point along the way, however, things start to change, as you are seeing. Sometimes it happens slowly, as with you, and sometimes it can happen in a split second. It only takes a second to make a huge mistake and end up with a DUI, or fall asleep at the wheel and hit something or someone, trip and fall down the stairs, changing your life forever. There is no guarantee that it won't happen to anyone who drinks.
Again, welcome to SR! Keep reading and keep posting. You are among very supportive people here.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Hi and Welcome,
I'm glad you are deciding to stop drinking before things get worse, because as you said, alcoholism is a progressive disease.
Try to not worry about your husband, family and friends think about you drinking or not drinking. That really isn't nearly as important as what you think about yourself. I felt shame, guilt, fear, secrecy and a lot more negative emotions, so I looked to people around me for approval. That was ridiculous. I learned in recovery that the love and approval of myself needs to come from me, and that's all that matters.
I'm glad you are deciding to stop drinking before things get worse, because as you said, alcoholism is a progressive disease.
Try to not worry about your husband, family and friends think about you drinking or not drinking. That really isn't nearly as important as what you think about yourself. I felt shame, guilt, fear, secrecy and a lot more negative emotions, so I looked to people around me for approval. That was ridiculous. I learned in recovery that the love and approval of myself needs to come from me, and that's all that matters.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Welcome to the family.
I gave it up for good over a year ago and honestly don't miss it at all. My life is so much better sober and I've lost the desire to drink completely. Work hard on your recovery and you'll never regret it, I"m sure.
I gave it up for good over a year ago and honestly don't miss it at all. My life is so much better sober and I've lost the desire to drink completely. Work hard on your recovery and you'll never regret it, I"m sure. SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome Freedance (love your name!)
I could have written your post....... the depression, the hiding, waking up in the morning with regret, thinking about when I could drink again, wanting to want to quit...... believe me you're not alone in this.
Of course you know there are lots of red flags here...... and you know that alcoholism is progressive. I can't point to any of the usual consequences either (DUI, work/relationship problems, blackouts - didn't have any of those). But I was living another life in my head which was all about the drinking.
I wanted to be free of the obsession and the hangovers and stop repeating the same thing over and over again. I didn't know if it was possible, but thank God for the support here because things are much better than I could have imagined.:ghug3 Hang in there!
I could have written your post....... the depression, the hiding, waking up in the morning with regret, thinking about when I could drink again, wanting to want to quit...... believe me you're not alone in this.
Of course you know there are lots of red flags here...... and you know that alcoholism is progressive. I can't point to any of the usual consequences either (DUI, work/relationship problems, blackouts - didn't have any of those). But I was living another life in my head which was all about the drinking.
I wanted to be free of the obsession and the hangovers and stop repeating the same thing over and over again. I didn't know if it was possible, but thank God for the support here because things are much better than I could have imagined.:ghug3 Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: TX
Posts: 87
Congrats.. you know the worst part of my addiction is i was so tolerant, I didnt have hangovers unless it was a full day of drinking but I could easily drink a pint of vodka and 3 glasses of wine from 6:00-9:00 pm and wake up the next morning feeling like a champ. But i had to do it every night to keep from getting the no drink hangover. Worst thing ever! 2 years solid of it. my liver is probably relieved right now along with all my other organs that are affected, mainly the brain! Again glad your here and BTW Tuesday was my last day! Hooray for 4!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 144
Thanks to everyone for the nice welcomes!!
I just got back from another AA meeting -- very different from the first one, which is interesting! I again made it a point to introduce myself to somebody who seems to know what she's doing.
Here is the thing I can't get a grip on, though -- I REALLY want to drink, "one more time." I want to drink vodka. (I rarely if ever drink vodka. It's just wine and beer and sometimes those sweet liquers I mentioned.) WHY am I so obsessed with this?!?
It's like I want to "get it out of my system" -- one last super blitzed drunk. Or I want to make sure it's MY decision and somehow that would prove it. Or I want to create a crisis so I'll have a clear "turning point." I just don't know but I am so craving doing it!
I really thought I would. On the way home, I called my husband to tell him that I was struggling back and forth, and people go through different paths to it, and I think I'm going to come home and drink. Not quite what he expected as my reaction to AA!! I tried to explain what I was feeling, but he was just kind of mad about it. "So you're telling me you're going to come home and get loaded."
I guess I wanted him to say, "Okay honey, you go through whatever you need to go through," but I can understand that's kind of an unrealistic expectation.
So then I got angry, because it gets so mixed up with what HE wants, and I have a hard time feeling that things are MY decision... Boundary issues and all that. So maybe I want to bounce back and forth between abstinence and drinking to prove I'm in control?
None of it is rational.
Haven't I had enough to drink, by now?
Anyway, now I've decided not to drink today. Probably what I'd do anyway is have my nice 2 glasses of wine, stop there, and decide I don't have a problem and so I don't need AA...
I just don't even understand what's going on in my own mind!! What am I doing??
Here is the thing I can't get a grip on, though -- I REALLY want to drink, "one more time." I want to drink vodka. (I rarely if ever drink vodka. It's just wine and beer and sometimes those sweet liquers I mentioned.) WHY am I so obsessed with this?!?
It's like I want to "get it out of my system" -- one last super blitzed drunk. Or I want to make sure it's MY decision and somehow that would prove it. Or I want to create a crisis so I'll have a clear "turning point." I just don't know but I am so craving doing it!
I really thought I would. On the way home, I called my husband to tell him that I was struggling back and forth, and people go through different paths to it, and I think I'm going to come home and drink. Not quite what he expected as my reaction to AA!! I tried to explain what I was feeling, but he was just kind of mad about it. "So you're telling me you're going to come home and get loaded."
I guess I wanted him to say, "Okay honey, you go through whatever you need to go through," but I can understand that's kind of an unrealistic expectation.
So then I got angry, because it gets so mixed up with what HE wants, and I have a hard time feeling that things are MY decision... Boundary issues and all that. So maybe I want to bounce back and forth between abstinence and drinking to prove I'm in control?
None of it is rational.
Haven't I had enough to drink, by now?
Anyway, now I've decided not to drink today. Probably what I'd do anyway is have my nice 2 glasses of wine, stop there, and decide I don't have a problem and so I don't need AA...
I just don't even understand what's going on in my own mind!! What am I doing??
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
It's the addiction FD.
I struggled to understand it for years - it defies understanding because it's not rational.
I found I don't need to understand it to stop it causing chaos in my life. I just have to accept it's there and do something about it
D
I struggled to understand it for years - it defies understanding because it's not rational.
I found I don't need to understand it to stop it causing chaos in my life. I just have to accept it's there and do something about it
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 144
Thanks, artsoul. I've been wondering if anybody else's story is similar to mine!
Yes, it's like a near-constant thought. What to drink, when to drink, how much to drink, and then the hangover from drinking, the guilt from drinking, getting through the next day without drinking, etc...
I think not having that constant thing in my life would be like a freedom (hence part of my name). When I quit smoking, it was kind of the same -- freedom from having to go out for a cigarette at certain intervals, or else go through the discomfort of a "nicotine fit."
Yes, it's like a near-constant thought. What to drink, when to drink, how much to drink, and then the hangover from drinking, the guilt from drinking, getting through the next day without drinking, etc...
I think not having that constant thing in my life would be like a freedom (hence part of my name). When I quit smoking, it was kind of the same -- freedom from having to go out for a cigarette at certain intervals, or else go through the discomfort of a "nicotine fit."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 144
Originally Posted by Dee74 
It's the addiction FD.
I struggled to understand it for years - it defies understanding because it's not rational.
I found I don't need to understand it to stop it causing chaos in my life. I just have to accept it's there and do something about it
D
I struggled to understand it for years - it defies understanding because it's not rational.
I found I don't need to understand it to stop it causing chaos in my life. I just have to accept it's there and do something about it
D
I never even thought I was addicted.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: TX
Posts: 87
FD...Just take it day by day, read alot of posts on here like I did, post your feelings, it works...once you get that feeling or urge get on here and read. Now granted many us think on here "well I'm not that bad" we all are that bad... whats constitutes how bad to just a little bad it is to drink? The point I guess is that I'm on day four and the cob webs are clearing, I'm understanding a lot more and that urge is there i just put it aside and get busy with something. I love Vodka! i could swim in it if was possible! A freaking VODKA POOL! but i know in my heart where it would lead and I know the next day i would be so disgusted with my self. I know that now, just talk to people, your husband.. for 2 years i looked the other way and downed the vodka like water.. the time came and once you make that 1st step to agree that you have a problem..it clicked. And not saying its as easy as a light switch but my mind is ingrained with it and I'm done. I'm a newbie over trying to give advice but i just wanted to let you know my feelings and everyone is different but it can be done. Blessings!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 144
Hi hoping2quit -- We're on the same day! Good, we can compare notes!
I've told myself so many times I have a problem and must get help, must stop drinking. Why am I thinking I want to do it one more time, to convince myself? It's crazy.
You're right... I could jump in that vodka pool too -- and hate myself tomorrow. Thanks for the perspective!
I've told myself so many times I have a problem and must get help, must stop drinking. Why am I thinking I want to do it one more time, to convince myself? It's crazy.
You're right... I could jump in that vodka pool too -- and hate myself tomorrow. Thanks for the perspective!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: TX
Posts: 87
But not sure what you want to convince? You know already or you wouldn't be here right? Honestly i have a baby and all it took on Tuesday night was my baby girl looking up at me when my wife was changing her diaper and she said Luv wooo and all I saw was double after 2 bottles of wine because i was out of vodka. And I teared up! My wife was like awe, but i knew why those tears were there. My wife doesn't know how drunk i get because i hide it well and tolerate well. i bought pints and hid them under my seat in the car and made excuses to go outside all the time. I buy box wine so its not visible how much of it I drink I finish the box in 2 nights easy and leave it there hoping she doesn't pick it up. We are expecting a baby in 2 months so the next morning lying in bed i said that was it! just like that. My older 11 year old turned 11 on that day also and didn't realize that I decided to quit on her birthday until that night. I mean I knew it was her birthday but didn't put 2 and 2 together until that night. So i have an easy sober date to remember. Also i need to be at my best raising 3 girls and the grey is already setting. LOL. You did quit smoking so you can do this to!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
I apologise if the word addiction puts you off, but I really don't know what else to call the obsession and the need - the thirst - I had for alcohol.
I'm over 4 years sober now and my urges are a memory. Not many of us would be here if it stayed like it was the first week
It takes time to learn to live sober, to look deep into ourselves and see what needs fixing...it takes time too to develop the skills we need not to turn to our usual crutch, but yeah, I believe your urges will go away too if you work on it
D
I'm over 4 years sober now and my urges are a memory. Not many of us would be here if it stayed like it was the first week
It takes time to learn to live sober, to look deep into ourselves and see what needs fixing...it takes time too to develop the skills we need not to turn to our usual crutch, but yeah, I believe your urges will go away too if you work on it
D
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome...
why not abstain from all alcohol for a month
and then decide if drinking is for you??
Here is a link about de toxing ..with some of our experiences
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
As you know...wine..beer....liquor and Liqures" all have alcohol.
They are all toxins and it matters not what type you prefer.
They damage your mind and body...that's true for all drinkers..not only alcoholics.
why not abstain from all alcohol for a month
and then decide if drinking is for you??
Here is a link about de toxing ..with some of our experiences
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
As you know...wine..beer....liquor and Liqures" all have alcohol.
They are all toxins and it matters not what type you prefer.
They damage your mind and body...that's true for all drinkers..not only alcoholics.
Last edited by CarolD; 04-23-2011 at 05:51 PM. Reason: Added Link
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 144
Dee, oh no no no I didn't take offense or feel put off at all!! I'm just struggling to figure out where I am and what my problems are... It has to be an addiction on some level or levels, I'm sure.
I appreciate your words!!
I appreciate your words!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 22
Free Dance,
Thank you so much for your post. I have a somewhat similar story. I can totally relate to your "get it out of my system" comment. I had that thought a few months ago and kept drinking. I felt like if I was going to quit drinking I didn't want to be cheated out of the bottom....get drunk and have a one night stand, get married in Vegas, get arrested, etc. Posts like yours and others here on this site have helped me to realize I am not the only one without a front page news tragic story, but have a problem needing attention.
Best of luck to you and I look forward to seeing posts about your progress.
Thank you so much for your post. I have a somewhat similar story. I can totally relate to your "get it out of my system" comment. I had that thought a few months ago and kept drinking. I felt like if I was going to quit drinking I didn't want to be cheated out of the bottom....get drunk and have a one night stand, get married in Vegas, get arrested, etc. Posts like yours and others here on this site have helped me to realize I am not the only one without a front page news tragic story, but have a problem needing attention.
Best of luck to you and I look forward to seeing posts about your progress.
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