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Battling this Addiction

Old 04-23-2011, 02:32 AM
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Battling this Addiction

Still new here. Went to an AA meeting tonight and it was great. The topic was early sobriety and many of the people at the meeting had some really great things to say. Afterwards, I went out for coffee with some members of the group and it was a really great time. However, when I got home, I noticed that my best friend was in town. I had no idea he was coming. He had gone out to some bars in town. This hurt deeply. I did not understand why he would not have told me that he was going to be here. However, I remembered a conversation that we had a few weeks ago. He told me that he feels guilty when he is drinking because I am getting sober. I told him not to worry about it. Yet, it seems that he would rather go out and drink rather than see me. It makes me feel that although sobriety has brought positive things into my life, it has also had negative consequences. Has anyone else lost friends over sobriety? Anyone have any tips on how to handle this? My sobriety is still very new and this is the first time this situation has cropped up. I have avoided people that drink a lot to keep my sobriey. However, this is the first time that it appears someone has avoided me. The thing that is confusing is that he is not an alcoholic, so I do not understand why it would bother him. My sobriety is still very new, so I am trying my best to handle things with the highest level of maturity as possible.
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Old 04-23-2011, 02:40 AM
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Congrats!!! Getting sober is the best decision you can make. Its a huge investment in your future! As for your "friend" tell him to drink one for you as well!
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Old 04-23-2011, 03:55 AM
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I was just talking about this very thing last night to my husband. Do you think maybe your bestfriend has his own issues with alcohol? When I was drinking at my heaviest, I would avoid being around people that didn't drink (no matter how much I adored them) because it made me feel guilty and full of shame that I couldn't even give up my wine for one night.

My bestfriend was in town about a month ago and I laid it on the line and told her that I no longer drink alcohol. We were talking in depth about this, etc. and she wanted to know how much I was drinking. I said I was drinking about one bottle of wine (normal size not the 1.5 liter) per night about five times a week and she let out this loud gasp like it was the craziest, wildest thing she had ever heard. At first I thought she was joking, but she wasn't. I tell this story because I love her dearly, but she comes from a family riddled with alcoholism. She drinks every single day. At her mom's funeral, her and her siblings probably downed at least 8 glasses of wine each. Heck, even the priest was getting hammered. No lie, I saw him down five martinis in one sitting. I don't know if he is part camel or what because he didn't even get up to go to the bathroom. This is the same friend who will drive through the night to get to my house (her kids are still little) and crack open a beer at 9:30 in the morning upon arrival.

Anyhoo, I didn't mean to turn this thread into an all about me. I just am baffled by the diverse reactions to my not drinking. It's almost telling of who really do drink problematically. Seems like the ones that don't have a problem at all with alcohol will tend to forget that I told them I quit drinking and say "let's go grab a drink somewhere." I'll even remind them that I quit drinking and they are not focused on it at all...more of a "oh yea, I forgot you told me that."

The point I am so inarticulately trying to make Angelus is that peoples' actions speak volumes. I think people with alcohol issues now use me as a yardstick to some extent to measure how bad their drinking has become. Those that no longer hang with me are the ones that at the time I thought were my kindred spirits in that we liked to pound drinks together. I don't think they are jerks at all for not sticking around. Right now, life with alcohol is all they know. Even if your friend is a light drinker, he probably associates coming home with drinks and mini-reunions in town at the bars. He is at a totally different place where he feels comfortable and is not ready to give up that.
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Old 04-23-2011, 04:09 AM
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Hey Angelus. First off, congratulations on getting sober. The early days are quite delicate - I should know, as I am still navigating them myself. When it comes to your friend, it doesn't sound like he was doing anything deliberately malicious, but rather trying to protect you and your sobriety, which is quite admirable. So many people have to deal with unsupportive friends, or people who don't necessarily take our sobriety seriously, who say, "come on, ONE drink won't hurt!"
So the fact that he is trying to respect your decision is a great sign. It's also hard for him to know how to navigate these early days. I don't think he chose the alcohol over you - he probably just fancied a drink, and thought not to call you so as not to put you in temptation's way. I would suggest calling him up, taking him out for coffee and having an honest conversation with him about everything you're going through right now. Figure out other things you can do together that don't involve going to bars and drinking.
Your hurt over this is perfectly understandable, but it's also the alcoholic mindset speaking: oh god, i will be left out from hereon in, I am not a priority for my friends. The truth is, you are the one in control right now, and the one who has made the decision to get clean for yourself, and you should be very proud of that. Involve the people closest to you in your sobriety by explaining things to them, by communicating openly and honestly.
In time, when you are more sure of your sobriety, you may very well be able to go out with your friend and have a seltzer in a bar while he has a couple of beers. But right now, it is your choice to avoid drinkers and drinking situations, and it is a wise one. And he sounds like he was just trying to support you in that. If you look at it that way, it becomes a much more positive, loving situation, and it is entirely workable. When we feel we have no choice, that things are merely foisted upon us, we feel powerless and hurt. But when we remember that we DO have a choice and are actively making it in terms of how to react to situations, the feeling is reversed and turns into one of power.
Hugs,
Z.
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Old 04-23-2011, 08:35 AM
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Yes...I did lose still drinking friends when I got into AA recovery
We simply had little in common without the bond of booze.
I quit hanging out in bars...the smell was was unpleasant.
I was keeping my apartment a no drinking zone....
they stopped coming over.....

This gave me time to connect to new AA friends...we shared the same
goals and lifestyles..we did all sorts of interesting things outside
of meetings We had a sober blast!

Congratulations on your solid progress
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Old 04-23-2011, 08:38 AM
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Yes, I lost friends, well actually I got rid of a couple of people in my life who were toxic to me. I knew instinctively they needed to be gone. The amazing thing is that soon after that, new people came into my life and helped me along in my recovery in a variety of ways.
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Old 04-23-2011, 08:54 AM
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Angelus, I've actually had my step-mother TELL me she didn't stop over because she knew I didn't have any Vodka in the house. Another friend? Is too drunk now to even leave her house much. I don't KNOW anybody that doesn't drink except two married men whose wives would frown on my suddenly befriending their husbands.

My personal opinion is that your friend probably drinks more than you think he does... and wants his "party time," which he cannot have with you. I doubt he cares less about you.... he just cares for his drug more. That's the nature of addiction. I could very well be wrong... but I've been there, done that and have seen it happen with me and to me over and over again.

Drinkers like to drink. Period. End of story.
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Old 04-23-2011, 09:33 AM
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Hi Angelus - If this is really a good friend, I could understand why they might want to "protect" you.......... why not talk to them so that next time they're in town, you can get together for lunch/dinner......

We have to let people know what we're comfortable with. I don't think there's any reason to be cut off from friends who still drink unless that's all they want to do. In early sobriety I didn't feel strong enough to be around friends who were drinking, but it doesn't bother me now. I just don't hang around if people start getting drunk - when the IQ level starts to drop and people are laughing at stupid stuff, it's just not entertaining anymore.

(Because I'm older, though, most people I know don't get wasted anyway).....
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Old 04-23-2011, 12:14 PM
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Thanks Everyone!

Thank you all for replying to my post. I recieved a message from him, and it appears that he had no intention on letting me know he was in town. At this point, I think he drinks more than I think he does. I am not going to end the friendship. I just know that if I went to Rochester for a weekend and did not let him know I was in town, he would be extremely hurt. Thanks for your words, they helped a lot.
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Old 04-23-2011, 12:23 PM
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My old "friends" usually drank at the same pace I did.

Take alcohol out of the equation and there's probably not much to talk about. It's not an equal relationship to have a drunk and a sober person talking abouth the state of world affairs.
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Old 04-24-2011, 06:41 AM
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Rofl

Originally Posted by Zebra1275 View Post
Take alcohol out of the equation and there's probably not much to talk about. It's not an equal relationship to have a drunk and a sober person talking abouth the state of world affairs.

OMG. This is such a funny statement! Thanks for an early morning Easter giggle.
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