corkthewine

Tomorrow marks Day 5.

It is also the day my husband will arrive home after being gone all week. I don't think I'm going to get his support (he does not know yet). In the past when I have brought up that I think I need to quit he would always say that I don't have a problem. Shortly there after he would be pouring me one and would keep them coming all night. He always has my favorite wine stocked and is quick to run out if I am getting low. I have always felt like he likes me better when I'm buzzed. That I'm more fun drunk. Looking back over the years I would have to say besides myself he is my biggest enabler.

Also, in anger he has said that I could quit but don't expect him too.

I have handled liqueur in the house all week without touching it. I don't know how strong I will be when he gets home and starts to drink around me. I see me being sober and finding myself not wanting to be around him smelling like booze. This is sure to start a fight. Or I will weaken and join him.

I feel strong now, but what about tomorrow night? Any advice would be appreciated.

Dee74

Many of the people here have partners who drink, or partners who are perhaps less supportive than they'd like.

It doesn't make it easy but it's far from being impossible - thats precisely why SR is here 24/7

I think it's a good plan to talk to your husband - you never know, you may be surprised

D

EmeraldRose

Hi cork...I think you've done a great job all week in your situation with the available wine. I would only hope that your thinking won't change once he returns. You need to sit him down and have a heart to heart -if not for his support just alittle understanding and not to entice you. You need to take charge and keep the same thoughts you've had all week. Oh jeeze, I know its not easy and its easier for someone else to tell you...but you are doing so well. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of that.

Mark75

Well, my wife drinks, but she is not a heavy drinker, just one tall white wine spritzer at the end of the night... right before bed... I usually make my way to bed before she's finished it... except on certain nights ...

Everything changes in a relationship where drinking has been a frequent and shared activity, it did with us, even though I did most of the drinking... LOL... It's scary for us alkies when we quit, but it is just as scary for our spouses. Heck yes it was tough for us at first, but we love each other very much and we ultimately found our way... yes it's different, but not worse, better in many ways... and it was worth it... Oh, and no way was she gonna give up her wine, nor should she, she's not alcoholic.

If you don't want to be around him when he's drinking, don't be... There were a lot of nights when I would hang on the couch and she'd be in the other room... me on SR, her watching Leno, nursing her drink (some nights she'd doze off before finishing it, LOLOL)... Nowadays, we watch it together, in the same room.

Put sobriety first, follow your common sense, do what you need to do... What you need to do now, to stay sober, will not necessarily be what you have to do 3 months from now.. Have faith.

MsCooterBrown

My experience..I married a hard core drinker. I joined him..it is what we did. As years went by I drank more and more..I did quit a few times and found NO support. When we drank..it was almost a competition to keep up drink for drink. When I quit..it was like I switched teams on him..he no longer had his drinking buddy. I don't know if you have been thru this..but one of the many things I hated is he would pass out on the couch "watching tv" by 7. Take a cat nap..then be raring to go when it was actually time to sleep. We did not make it. BUT don't take this as a gloom and doom for you..there were MANY issues besides drinking..Drinking was the icing on the cake! I hope you can stay strong in your resolve.

OklaBH

I guess we are married to the same man! LOL

My husband works out of town to. When he comes home or i go to see him its tough. He drinks but not like i did. Thank God. He is supportive and proud that i quit drinking. He likes that I go to meetings but..it stops there.

He isnt going to quit drinking and he really doesnt want to hear to much about AA or what my sponsor says. He isnt mean about it. I think its hard for people that love us to hear that we have a problem.

Do what you gotta do. Go to some meetings and eventually pick a sponsor. This weekend I feel very strong. I dont have a desire to drink at all. Most times when I knew he was coming home or i was going to OKC, I had it in my brain by the end of the week that 1 or 2 would be ok. Ive proved 50,000 times that doesnt work for me.

Maryjan

Chiming in...my husband at first thought I did not have a problem. A few months into my sobriety, he is saying how happy and calm I seem...even brining up past times I was a drunk jerk to him now and again, getting hus head around the new me. It is brutally hard for me when he drinks, but that is MY problem. I go to AA, I don't drink, things with us are good. One day at a time.

If you start drinking again with your husband, it will lead you to the same place. Let's try to find a better place!

Ranger

FWIW, when I drank there were a few reasons why I was quick to put a drink in my wife's hand:

1) Once caught up in her buzz, I was released of any responsibility to be an attentive, engaged spouse. (read: free to focus on my own drinking)

2) Had to get her breath smelling like alcohol so she wouldn't notice that mine wreaked of booze from the moment I stepped in the door (though I used gum and fountain drinks to take the edge off).

Anna

I think there are always challenges when we stop drinking. It will be challenging for you to be around someone who is drinking, but you can still maintain your sobriety. Maybe you could spend time in another part of the house reading, watching TV? Or maybe going out for a long walk by yourself? And, yes, I think everything changes when we recover and that includes our closest relationships. And, not all the changes are what we thought we wanted.

coffeenut

First, Breathe! Deeply! Congrats on those 5 days.

My husband still drinks. That's his issue. Of course he didn't want me to quit drinking, he'd lose his daily drinking buddy. Again, his issue.

You can only control you. Work on YOU. You're worth it.

Lots of good suggestions, here. Come back and tell us how it went.

Missy7

We're in the same boat! My husband is my drinking buddy, and as I know I've said on here, a karaoke freak. He is not an alcoholic. He has a soda in his hand all the time, sometimes it has vodka in it. He doesn't really care which--so long as he has the soda. I'm actually more worried about the soda in his case. I have a propensity to drink beer for a while, one or two gray goose martinis for the olives then onto straight patron with a corona chaser. So he's sipping pop and vodka, i'm drinking gasoline.

So he's pretty happy that I've stopped, but I simply cannot take karaoke away from him. He works hard, does amazing things for me, and look forward to his few minutes in the dim, icky spotlight. So we go out.

What do the two of you do when you drink? Could you buy something you like, say cranberry juice cocktail, and tell him to keep on pouring? I did something like that. I told him one day two weeks ago (I'm 13 days in) to find the best pop deal and spend $50 on diet soda. I now have enough ginger ale to float a barge. So that's what I'm drinking. The shared time is still there. Also, I have to make sure I can stay active and amused as the only soberoaker in a hundred miles. That's a little tricky but so far, so good.

So, I guess what I'm recommending is that you keep drinking with him--just drink something else. These relationship are so tricky and so important. I'll bet he doesn't care what alcohol content you consume--just so long as you keep sharing you dedicated time with him.

But be proud, feel good, and do not give up. This is worth it.

strawberryashes

It is the hardest thing when one person drinks and the other one doesn't. My husband used to be a social drinker, but my problems were so bad that he stopped drinking entirely. I would always try and get him to drink, so I would feel better, so I wouldn't have to go it alone. Now that I'm quitting, I'm so blessed to have someone who isn't tempting me (although my family is riddled with functioning alcoholics). I loved being around drinkers because it made me feel like I was okay. So what if I drank too much... she did too, and so on.

The very fact that your not drinking is bothering him, kind of looks like he may have a problem too. Actually, I'm beginning to think that alcohol in itself is such a big problem. I don't see very many people who are able to keep it on a moderate level. So, maybe it will be you in a few years being the one helping him through his own path to getting over it. It just has to be so hard for you right now. The day after I threw up all over my car because I couldn't even open the door, my father came by. I told him I was quitting and I was scared. He brought a bottle of wine. He's a good person, and doesn't think he has a problem and he is soooo functioning. But he really isn't, you know. He just does a really good job of pretending he is functioning. One of the biggest signs of that is being uncomfortable when others aren't drinking. I've been really guilty of that.

I'm going through marital problems too. Because my husband is such a non-drinker, he has no tolerance for me even mentioning... just one beer. He has no idea that for a petite female who can down a 12 pack in an evening, just one beer is a big step. But I'm resisting that one beer because I can't handle fighting on top of quitting drinking, and that knowledge is helping me a great deal.

Don't give up!

Reset

I've said this a lot on this board but my wife gave me the "you just need to cut down" thing a few times, so I just quit without telling her.

I do understand why it might be hard for a spouse to accept. Maybe they don't want to admit they married someone with a serious problem. Maybe they don't want to quit and are worried that there will be some expectation on them. Maybe they are afraid that the person they married will be different from the new sober person.

Now that I quit I am almost certain that my family likes me better. I still haven't had "the discussion" with my wife (I know that's weird) but it's pretty clear that the environment in the house is a lot happier and less stressful.

Cyranoak

I think one of the challenges in recovery for some people, and this may or may not apply to you, is that you have to be able to do it with our without the support of your spouse. Because of AA and SR, you'll never have to do it alone regardless. You may choose to, but you won't have to. Recovery has to be for you, by you, because you want it.

If you can't do it without his support it's going to be hard to maintain it if and when you don't have his support. That's the co-dependent part of recovery.

Having said that, I've heard many times in meetings over the last eight years, both AA and Alanon, that some people have been forced to breakup with friends, family, and husbands and wives in order to live the lifestyle they needed to stay sober. It was painful and/or tragic for all of them, but they all felt it was the only way for them to survive.

If you want sobriety and recovery, and if your husband can support it, when you tell him you don't drink anymore he'll respect that. If not, you'll know all you need to know about your husband and will have to decide what you are going to do next.

My recovering alcoholic wife was very clear with me about what I had to do to support her if she was going to stay with me. Her recovery was that important to her. So important the the 10-year drunk was setting boundaries with me right out of recovery. I was taken aback and a little offended until I realized it wasn't about me-- it was about her sobriety/recovery and our ability to stay together as a family. I appreciate it now and am thankful she was that strong.

In our house the priorities go like this: Her sobriety, our daughter, then me. I like it that way. That's the way it needs to be if I want her, and if we are to be a happy family. And I want her. And we are a much happier family (far from perfect, but better than before and improving all the time).

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

corkthewine

Thank you for all the responses! To update: We had a rare night out together for dinner Friday alone. He ordered wine, I ordered a soda. I can't help it, but the look on his face was almost comical. He asked why and I said I'm done drinking. He started the "You don't have a problem, you just need to cut back..." and I cut him off and told him I do and it is time. He took it in rather calmly and didn't pressure me at all to have a drink all weekend. He even seemed to cut back himself. I think what a lot of you said about being "drinking buddies" holds true. Deep down I think he believes this is a phase and eventually I will just start again, but it went much better than I thought it would and I hope it's not a phase. Happy 7th day to me!

Dee74

congratulations on your week

D

Lipitor

This may be a little painful to hear. It is for me however, the truth.

My partner made sure that I had the very best of wine in the house, the availability to it was easier than taking a breath in .
I realised after a few incidences that,
1 She also had a problem with booze, her favourite comment was , that she "only drinks for the taste , not the hit"
What a load of parrot droppings that was.

I realised after three years of this,,that she gagued herself by my behaviour. IE If i was falling down , slurring and generally being an arse, and she maintained a little more dignity than me , then she perceived herself as OK>

I did not like being with her when I was sober. Apart from looking like a super model , she had nothing else of quality behind the good looks , and , me in a drunken state, which was how I was when we met.. Oh yes I was playing the piano at a bar and very funny and entertaining , but drunk.
She fell in love with a pretend me. Not the real me, who is quite reserved, softly spoken and contemplative. Not at all the image that the disinhibitory alcohol manifested.

In my first attempt 3 years ago , 3 weeks rehab , and alot of heartache , to get off the booze, the night I came home she was drinking champagne..and said..."well, I dont have the problem , you do"

To me, that comment showed a lack of full understanding , and ignorance about the evil ,cunning and powerful way alcohol affected not only me ,but everyone around me..

I went back to drinking in three days can you believe it , after three weeks and twenty one thousand dollars in rehab..


THIS IS NOT ADVICE>>>>>THIS IS JUST WHAT I DID>

I removed myself from the situation and set up a bedroom and tv, lounge and basic comforts in our garage. I changed the lock on the door and kept it as my sanctuary . A place for me to go without the influence of booze. I took my piano out there and played often..

Eventually I left her.


The relationship , for me, was started when I was drinking and was subsequently clouded by alcohol (or at least my choices of a partner were)


I worked out that she too had issues albiet hiding them well. Ive been gone now for the best part of 14 months...>the only regrets I have are selfish ones regarding how beautiful she is to look at, and sleep with .

This is also superficail thinking, when those thoughts come , I dismiss them and tell myself that they are only partially true.. Im much more than the broach that I attach to myself in social situations....which was only to bolster my dwindling or obliterated self esteem anyway .


I , also now, cannot stand the smell of booze on another persons breath ...funny isnt it ?

Hope this helps , and as I said, it is just my experience, not all relevant to you , but it is just what happened and what I did about it.

Kind regards

L

artsoul

You really deserve a big congrats for 7 days - I'm so glad you stayed strong! If we could cut back and just enjoy a couple drinks with dinner, we would have done so long ago. It's OK if others don't know what it's like - WE know!

BakoGal

Thank you all for your posts. I am new here, and one of my biggest fears is what will happen to all my "drinking buddies" (friends, family, etc.) as I have just a couple friends that don't drink at all. I need to keep reminding myself, as some of you pointed out, that the most important thing right now is my sobriety. I can't worry about the breakups that may occur as a result of my sobriety. Good luck to all of you.

Nonotyet

Anyone have or had to deal with a spouse who would bring up the past, I.e. When I got fall down drunk, missed a family event from drinking, talking stupid, etc. during an arguement? I am trying to seriously, first time in my life, to quit drinking and I find he will resort to this tactic to hurt me. Yah, it's ****** and I know it's not right. I am pissed off. I have a lot on my mind and this is what he does.