alleylee1

Hi. I've been dating a man for nearly two years, off and on again. I never knew he was an alcoholic. This past four months, he said he's into a recovery program but he doesn't say where when etc. When I first met him, he was very "secretive". I barely got invited to his place about a year and half into our relationship. He would always stay at my place. About every three months, he would just "disappear". No word...just be gone. Then he would reappear again in my life. When we first met, we did go out and drink. But when we got into a serious relationship, I stopped drinking with him. I would go out with friends at times or bring home a bottle of wine, but never while he was there. About two weeks ago, I started noticing that he was "shutting" down. He wouldn't talk about anything. It seemed like he was barely interested in being with me anymore. I just didn't understand what was going on. I still don't. But he left three days ago and I haven't heard a word from him. I'm worried. I saw his mom this a.m. and she was fine. We didn't discuss him. He used to say he doesn't tell his family anything about himself or us. So...I bought some reading material about codependency and I'm trying not to obsess about him. I'm afraid he may be relapsing and his sobriety was so important to him. I feel like I didn't do enough to help him. At the same time, he didn't ask for my help. All he ever said was the woman he plans to spend a life with can't be drinking. I'm looking at other posts in hopes of understanding what he's going through.

smacked

Take it as a gift from your Higher Power, and take care of yourself.

You can't do anything to help him. Regardless of his 'recovery program', is this someone you truly feels enhances the light in your life? Is this someone you could truly imagine is the man who would do anything for you, love you to the ends of time? Already so much heartache, drama, for such a young relationship.

Take it as a gift that he's gone.

Francismcan

I suspect that you only know a small part of the goings on of this man.
You said he is secretive.
Keeps his home a secret place from you for 18 months.
Keeps his relationship with you a secret from his family for 24 months.
Every three months disappear (secret of his location and doings).
You have noticed he is shutting down, (keeping his feelings and emotions secret from you).
He is into a recovery program, and is keeping it a secret from you, where when how, who...
He does not talk about anything (keeping it a secret?)
Secrets, by their very nature are best carried out in the dark. (opposite of light). Secrets give the person keeping them tremendous POWER.
Secrets as a way or life is dishonest and shows lack of integrity.
Deeds carried out in secret are usually immoral and wrong.

I summarized your post from the perspective of secrets.

I would theorize that he does not let you know how much money he has, thus keeps it a secret. Does not disclose his other secret behaviors, and I would question that he probably has other women that he treats the same way, and they are all kept secret from each other.

My question to you is this.

What kinds of things grow in secret places full of darkness?

Mold, mildew, fungi, mushrooms, and evil deeds.

alleylee1

Thanks for replying to my post. Certainly I felt like we had a good relationship, however throughout this whole time, he had commitment issues. There always seemed to be some excuse for not marrying me. I think I may have some self esteem issues too so everytime he disappeared, I would drive myself nuts with worry. If anything, I felt like if I said anything or did anything wrong, he would leave. I didn't agree about some things he did and said, but i never said a word. More recently, as I've gotten up the nerve to speak my mind, he just didn't like it. It felt very "controlling" and as good as we were together, I was getting more and more unhappy with how he was treating me. I took him back at least 5 times in the past 2 years. I think I hoped...hoped that if he commited to me everything would be great. My whole issue was about his lack of commitment. No communication. No...I cannot see him loving and taking care of me til our end days. If that's what he wanted to do...he would be doing things very differently...even if he is a recovering alcoholic.

alleylee1

Thank you again for that post. You hit the nail on the head. It did give him a lot of power to be so secretive. Trust issues abounded. One of the times he broke up with me...he calls me and says he's caught an STD and its my fault. I was floored! That was it....nothing for months. Meantime, I had myself checked out and I was fine. When he came back he said it was all a misunderstanding. His doctor mixed up his lab work. I know I know...now that I'm typing all this...it sounds incredulous. Nothing can grow in darkness. I feel like I need to be in therapy to deal with my issues of continuing to let him back into my life. Thank you for your candor.

artsoul

I think you already know that something is really wrong with this guy. Don't for a minute think there's anything you can do - he doesn't even have an honest relationshp with his family.

I think counseling would be a great idea - it can help you deal with your feelings and learn to expect more ( a LOT more!) from a relationship.

Please take care of yourself in the meantime - he just sounds so spooky to me...

CarolD

Run for the hills.....
Toxic relationships make you doubt your self worth.

Welcome to SR...

Anna

Definitely those are huge Red Flags!

This sounds like a very toxic relationship and you deserve better.

30Sober

Carol said it - Run for the hills!

Don't look back.

Learn to love and respect yourself more - you owe it to yourself.

OklaBH

You are putting this guy and relationship on a pedestal it doesnt belong on. Secrets are the same as lies. you are nicer than me. I wouldve asked the mom straight up "where the he!! is he?" I wouldve asked him a long long time ago "where do you live?"

Unless he's batman there is no reason for all the secrets. When he comes back make yourself very very unavailable.

Francismcan

Alleylee1,

A city slicker was traveling around the countryside and stopped at a blacksmith shop.

The blacksmith had just laid a hot horseshoe he was making on the brick stand next to the forge.

The city slicker greeted the blacksmith, who was sorta ornery, and then the city slicker reached out to pick up and look at the horseshoe the blacksmith had just placed on the stone brick.

The ornery blacksmith saw this action unfolding and held his tongue.

The city slicker picked up the horseshoe and almost immediately dropped it.

The ornery blacksmith, with a derisive grin on his face and a goading tone to his voice asked, "What is wrong, is it hot?"

The city slicker replied, "Nope, it just does not take me very long to look at a horseshoe!"

How long have you got to keep holding onto this horseshoe of a BF?