Programmer27

And here we go again, on the verge of losing the love of my life.

I'm 24 and have known I was an alcoholic by the time my 22nd year of life had rolled around.

I spent maybe a year of my 4 year drinking career being a social, responsible drinker.

Fast forward a few years and I have thrown together 6 months... a month here and there of sobriety, but I still manage to throw it away. I was arrested for public intoxication and thought that may have been my rock bottom, but alas... fines paid, amends made, and I felt like I could drink again.

My girlfriend of 5 years has been very accepting of this struggle, but I can tell that this last relapse is the end of the line for her, and I can't blame her. If yesterday wasn't my last drink, then I may as well be done for.

If I don't stop now I never will. It's time to get a sponsor, and even if AA isn't for me (I've been to a few) I'm just going to make myself go, and try every thing I can to be sober. Hopefully I'll eventually find something that works for me.

EDIT: I finished reading the big book today, and plan on looking into other recovery programs. Somehow in the end, I think I'll just be white knuckling a lot of my sobriety time.

reggiewayne

Welcome Programmer. I think it's great you are starting recovery so young. I too knew I had issues with alcohol at 24, but drank for another 11 years. For me, it didn't get any better, it just progressed and at the end I was dominated by alcohol. I was never able to string more than 25 days sober before going back - so the fact that you had 6 months before should be encouraging to you.

For me, I simply had to find another way to live in this world apart from alcohol. I have found it in AA. It seems to help me so much. When I first walked into the rooms I was amazed that there were actually other people out there like me. For years I noticed that the way I drank was different than my friends. Sure, they may go out and get crazy and do dumb stuff but they didn't seem to see it as a solution for life like I did.

I am currently working step 8. I found such freedom and forgiveness for myself in steps 4 and 5. I like the idea you bring up about "just going". I have found in sobriety that my feelings follow my actions - seldom the other way around. If I sat and waited for the feeling of going to a meeting, I don't think I'd have ever gone. I had to force the issue. Thank god I did.

I still have tough times (going through some now) but I don't drink. Sometimes it takes everything I have, AA has, my HP has, SR has, and my family has to accomplish this, but I simply don't drink. I can honestly say I've never woken up from a night of being sober and thought "Man! If only I'd of drank last night, I'd feel so much better"...

I wish you the best. If you want more info on AA let me know. I have some other sites I go to that help. Hang in there! One day at a time!!!

adore79

Hi Programmer I like the determination in your words and having a plan is great. Do it for yourself and reach out for help when you need it.

MsCooterBrown

Glad you are trying again ...Welcome!

Dee74

Welcome back Programmer

Make this for you tho - not your relationship or your GF.

D

Programmer27

I am doing this for myself and for the person I know that I can be. I cannot deny the fact that I'm considering the other people in my life who are being hurt by my drinking though.

I have probably not hit my rock bottom, as I know things could get worse. This last relapse I had second thoughts immediately after the first drink and that's never happened before.

I'm just sick and tired of this game, and I can't do it anymore. It's just "time"...

isn't the saying, "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired"?

Thank you guys for the support and I know I will be around here much more, just learning if anything.

I would really like to learn more about college kids and drinking, as it seems that's where mine started. What I would consider alcoholic drinking is done by many in college... why is that?

SwanSong

Hi Programmer27, glad to see you're giving sobriety another attempt. I made several before this one and I hope I don't need to make any more. So you're not alone there.

As reggiewayne said, you should find encouragement in the fact that you put together 6 months once before - I came close, about 5.5 in AA once. Also, one thing I'd like to point out is that for me, the big book made no sense at all the first time I read it. And the writing style is from the 1930's so it doesn't even sound like normal English.

But by reading through it with a sponsor who understood it I was able to see how it related to me.

And also like reggiewayne, AA has shown me a way of living that I could have never dreamed of. I too use AA, SR, my family, and my higher power to get me through the rough and the good times of sobriety - so to borrow a phrase from Dee, cast your net of support wide and find whatever tools you feel you need to give yourself a fighting chance.

Oh and even though I love AA, I had to shop around and go to a LOT of meetings to find the ones I felt comfortable with in the beginning, so don't be afraid to do that either. You may find that having other people who are getting sober in real life incredibly powerful and you'll find a lot of them in the rooms of AA.

Regardless of what you choose for your recovery program I wish you the best.

I can't comment on alcoholic drinking in college as I only went for one year and I can hardly remember that time of my life, it was too much of a blur (I guess that speaks for itself in terms of how far my drinking had progressed by then, I started drinking around 11 and was probably alcoholic well before then).

Best!

FrothyJay

and yet, after they leave college, the non-alcoholics stop their alcoholic drinking and move on. Because they aren't alcoholics.

As an alcoholic, I stagnated after college and kept looking for the party. My drinking increased. I did not want to face adulthood and responsibility. I felt that a users manual had been given out to everyone else and I didn't get one.

It's interesting to hear you say that you are going to "white knuckle" it. Hasn't that failed you every time in the past? Are you going to "extra white knuckle" it? Do you have a hidden gear of willpower that you just haven't used yet?

It's human nature to fight, particularly when we believe our health, our loved ones, our jobs, our dignity are at stake. And when we lose, we fight harder. We get more determined. We make bolder pronouncements, and in our agony we think, "Surely this time I won't do it again. There's no way I will forget the way I feel right now. I'm finished."

And then we are drunk again in short order. And making more promises.

Alcoholism is a disease of the mind. It's insanity. We are unable to stop hurting ourselves and those around us, because we are driven by a mental obsession to be relieved of our sobriety. To find comfort at any cost.

So it follows that when we use our sick mind to try and fix our sick mind, we get less than awesome results.

reggiewayne

"So it follows that when we use our sick mind to try and fix our sick mind, we get less than awesome results".

Just thought I'd "re-say" that. FrothyJay is right on the money. FOR YEARS I tried to "think" and "fight" my way into sobriety. The real healing begins when we cease fighting and take direction.

Programmer27

Frothy, I think you may have misread what I wrote, or that I was misleading in the way that I laid it out. What I meant when I said "white-knuckling it" was more in terms of dealing with the fact that it won't always be easy. I'm definitely not against working the steps, or any other program for that matter. I'm not afraid to try any program of recovery if it works for me.

The only way to find out what works, is just to try as many things as I can. The first being the steps at AA.

FrothyJay

OK, I hear you. I'm not trying to trap you with your words or be flippant. I am trying to point out the futility of trying harder, as odd as that sounds. Yes, at a certain point I used willpower to put the drink down. But willpower was useless in my efforts to not pick it back up. I had to surrender-- admit I was licked, and that left to my own devices I would always drink again, regardless of how horrible the consequences might be. That was really hard to do.

But then-- I was ready. The gift of desperation. I started to do what someone told me to do-- and that someone had gotten sober by doing exactly what the Big Book of AA says. The black part of the page, as he told me.

I really didn't like him very much during the process. He wouldn't call me, wouldn't have a cup of coffee with me. I invited him to my house to meet my wife and he said "no." He just said "keep writing." He'd review my work, make some comments, and say, "keep writing." My hand hurt (he wouldn't let me type). My handwriting sucked. It was repetitious.

But then, in the middle of it, I noticed something: the urge to drink had left. I wasn't thinking about it.

Here I was, still not sure if there was a God or Budda or whatever, not even believing in the process but just desperate enough to do it-- and I'm relieved of the obsession to drink.

As a card-carrying cynic, that sort of magical crap just doesn't happen in my life.

But here I am. Sober, carrying the message. F'n miracle.

Let me know if you want some.

Programmer27

What do you mean, to let you know if I want some?

What was your sponsor having you do, and write about so much?

FrothyJay

If you want to know what I did.

My fourth step. It starts with a list of people, institutions and principles with whom I'd been angry at any point in my life. Just the list takes some time to pull together. Then we look at each resentment to see what was effected, and then what my role was in that resentment. I start to see my character defects. I create a fear inventory from my list, and then look at my sexual conduct and harms. I filled a pretty thick notebook.

Programmer27

Misread sorry for the bump!

Thank you by the way Frothy, and everyone.

CarolD

When I began my AA Steps I felt a shift
from often shakey sobriety into solid recovery...

I so hope that will be true for you...
Welcome back...

suic

Hi Programmer27 I remember you from the chatroom here back in last summer. Congrats on coming back and being honest. Relapse drunks are always the most depressing drunks. But every drink I took was necessary because they gave me more consequences, which I needed, in order to achieve the desperation necesessary to not be lazy about recovery.

johnc

I'm new myself, but I wish us both sobriety! Right now I'm focusing on the online stuff, but I can relate to your thoughts about AA. I had probably 3 years sober while attending AA in the past. But I wonder, where did I do wrong!? I think it's just really easy to forget that drinking is not an option. As for myself, as soon as I feel better, I start thinking- wouldn't it be great to get loaded, just once in a while? And then I'm back where I began (or worse). 9 days clean today, so I'm on my way, one day at a time!

least

Welcome to the family.

Programmer27

HOLY CRAPPOLLA SUIC!!!

Man I have been looking for people from the past, I remember you as well, good to hear from you!

How have you been???

FNB3

Identify in life, or in a day, what it is that you enjoy doing so that when you have those white knuckle, dry times you know what actions to take go make yourself feel better. I believe knowing what you enjoy that has not been built on or around using can actualy be an enormous challenge, as simple as it sounds. It may be a book, music, athletics etc....something that puts a smile on your face and makes you feel better. You need to know, then you will have a tool to use when you are contemplating using.
Also, you need to force yourself to do something that is uncomfortable to you, for your sobriety, every day. There are reasons you need to drink. Start going after them and knocking them down.