cbs16

I am sure you guys get a lot of one-off blow-hards who come through with grand proclamations and no real commitment. I hope I am not one.

I have to admit I found this site by googling "I drink too much". but who cares. I just need to vent and will keep it as short as possible. I have so much to lose and so little reason to lose it. I have had bouts of success and an equal number of failures. I really think I am ready now though. I just think I need somebody to listen and understand.

I sought professional help and they tried to throw drugs at it. I am not bipolar or depressed, I just drink too much. I know myslef now and am one of those who just can't drink. But it is everywhere, easy to get and easier to rationalize. It is part familial and part habit. Part prior abuse and part anger. But I have survived with the help (albeit no small amount of what I assume is co-dependence) from my wife.

But I need to be a better me, a better husband and a better father.

I will be here for what I hope is for good. I will take as much help as I can get and try to return what I can.

Supercrew

I drank for 27 years, and sobriety has been the best decision I have ever made. It it has made me more positive and a better husband and a better father.

Welcome aboard, I wish you success!

cbs16

Amazing. 1 minute and Supercrew writes supportive reply. Thank you.... what else can I say?

Reset

Yeah I've been a better husband and father after quitting as well. I hope you can stay sober because it's worth it. Best of luck!

Anna

Welcome!

I know you'll find lots of support here. We're really a family and we do understand how difficult this is.

bellakeller

Welcome. It's a tough road but so well worth it.

cbs16

The internet amazes me. Immediate understanding and community.

Pardon me while I unload what I carry around all day. Move on if you don't want to hear a bunch of self-criticism and doubt.

I always felt apart from 'normal' since my wife seems to be able to drink one glass of wine a month and that is totally fine. I stay sober for a week at a time and then rationalize a snap that leads to drinking 10 beers or 2 bottles of wine at a time. Much worse is I hide it (and the empties) out of shame. But I know she finds them and never says anything. Why not? Sometimes I think it is because she doesn't love me, just my paycheck. As long as that comes, who cares what I do?????

Then the inevitable self loathing and huge hours in the gym to erase the evidence (weight). Then the cycle starts again.

Then the next step, how does she control her drinking it and I can't??? Every time I say we need to just keep the wine out of the house she says "I like a glass now and then" without understanding I just can't be around it.

I need to understand this and learn. Anybody else have this type of horrible situation. I lack the self control to be around those I love but at the same time project the thought that their unwillingness to eliminate alcohol is the same thing as a lack of respect for my..... weakness (illness, disease whatever)?

artsoul

Glad you've joined us! I finally had to give up trying to control my drinking and get some support - this forum has made all the difference for me.

Take it one day at a time - better days are ahead!

Supercrew

I know there will be different trains of thought on this, but I had to learn to remain sober even if I was around alcohol. Just because it is there doesn't mean I have to drink it.

I don't expect anyone to change for me, I have to change myself and my thinking.

artsoul

I'm not sure it's that people don't respect our disease, or care for us...... they just can't understand the obsession/compulsion. If she is receptive, perhaps reading a little bit about alcoholism and/or talking to her about how you feel would be helpful.

I don't have a problem when others drink in front of me on occasion, but I wouldn't want it in my house, and in early sobriety it would have been very very difficult.

In the end, though, remember you have to do this for you, so give it all you've got!

Reset

Regarding your doubts about your wife's motives: in some ways I have similar doubts and that was one motivation for quitting. I cannot expect to know what exactly is going on if my head is clouded with booze. So I quit with the hopes that I can figure all that out one day.

Regarding having alcohol in the house: I'm like Supercrew; I don't expect my wife to have to quit just because I am. I'm the one with the problem, not her, and it would be unfair to ask her to stop if she doesn't have a problem. In case it helps you though- once in a while I'll find a half-consumed glass of wine and the smell of it is revolting. I wonder how I ever drank it.

cbs16

Okay, I feel like I need to sleep 3 days. I have never heard people who seem to understand how I feel. This is an amazing evening for me. It is like breathing air for the first time......

G*d I hope you are right. I love my wife dearly and have felt very guilty for suspecting her motives regarding alcohol. If I can come to a day when I can have her drink and not feel jealous or guilty.... it would be a great day.

I am an academic and have lead a very sheltered life in which I could never discuss this problem although I knew others have it too. Maybe, just maybe, there is a light....... (*trying to keep things in realistic perspective but reveling in the new hope*)

bellakeller

You might have to ask her not to bring the stuff in the house. If she doesn't have a problem with alcohol, then she probably won't have a problem honoring your boundary with this. Some folks had to have a "one safe place" (ie alcohol-free) to be, especially in early recovery.

With my husband who drinks every day; I just ask him to leave the hard stuff outside the house (I think he keeps it in his car). Beer and wine in the house I am OK with for some reason... no clue about that because I was an omnivore when I was drinking.

Ranger

Really, really glad you're here, CBS! Stick around and I think you'll come to find your prior google most fortuitous.

Let me tell ya, friend, I have a PhD in Empties Generation and Concealment. Back in the day, when nature called my wife it was pretty common for me to run upstairs, slam a 16oz Keystone Light (quantity over quality), stash the empty, and be back on the couch sipping the beer my wife knew about by the time she returned from the bathroom. I'm telling ya, man, graduate level ****.

Speaking of 's' words, I want to share my experience with the shame you mentioned. Unbeknownst to me, every bottle I hid added a brick to an emotional wall between me and others (most notably, my wife). Day after day, shame upon shame, brick upon brick. The worst part is the wall has proven impervious to sobriety. That is, deconstruction is requiring far more than the cessation of drinking.

I'm telling you this in the hope I bolster your decision to pursue a new way to live. Left unaddressed, the stuff you talked about gets much, much worse. There is a solution, there is wonderful life in sobriety, and if you don't stop poking around you might just find it.

cbs16

I have littered this site tonight with posts that may indicate my level of frustration or confusion about my wife's role in my problem. I think I need to solidify my resolve and ideals about booze before I make sudden demands on her. She is the most important thing in my life and I can;t jerk her around any more than I have already. THis is a funny realization in that I have known I am an alcoholic for many years but have never really formulated my role in my own recovery.

Is it a good sign that this is the first time I am designing my own trajectory? (don't answer this self-serving rhetorical question, I know I am the only one who can).

EmeraldRose

Welcome cbs. Glad you've found us.
We have all different stories and all different lives but all share one thing...we like this site! :rotfxko You thought I was gonna say we're alcoholics, didn't ya?!

Very supportive bunch that has helped me tremendously in the past couple months.

mammabear

I joined on Friday, and have been here every night since and also have not had my usual wine-after-work. The people here have really helped me

CarolD

Please read the book that convinced me to quit drinking
"Under The Influence" by Milam & Ketcham

there is also a sequel...by Ketcham and ???
"Beyond The Influence"

Both are usually carried by Amazon.com ..very inexpensively.

All my best to you and your family
Welcome to our recovery community...

Mynxt30

Not sure if it will help in your situation, but I shared SR with my husband last week before I made my ultimate decision to become sober. Though he doesn't fully understand, I believe he is more equipped to support me with the help of this site.

JoeStrummer

Hi and welcome. I'd like to add something original, but the best I can offer is to echo what others have said here. I drank for over 30 years, with an occassional month or 2 of white knuckle abstinence. I quit drinking for good on Feb. 18 and have been happily sober since then. It was certainly one of the best decision I ever made. I am healthier, happier and a better father and husband. My wife (who I very nearly lost for good as a result of my drinking and the bad behaviour associated with it) still doesn't understand why I can't drink moderately, but she is gradually accepting and supporting my decision to quit.

As for keeping alcohol in the house, I am with Supercrew and Reset. Once I had accepted that I am an alcoholic and can never have a drink without craving more, I found that being around alcohol or people drinking is not too difficult. I know others may disagree, and you will have to work this out with your wife, but you might surprise yourself and find that the temptation is much less powerful once you have firmly resolved never to drink.

I'm glad you found this site. It has been very helpful and supportive for me.