not much hope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Toronto
Posts: 16
not much hope
I am sick to see that I first posted six years ago. Since then I have continued to drink myself to death. Tomorrow I have my kidneys and liver ultrasounded - I get really bad low back pain now. I am terrified. I just don't see any light in my life. I am 42 and so tired and sick. I just wanted to reach out.
Darragh
Darragh
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 50
Dear Darragh, welcome back.
I intimately know the panic underlying your words - the sick guilt that it might be too late, that you might have damaged yourself irrevocably by your own hand. It's terrifying, and the guilt or the need for denial is often what drives us back to the bottle.
But no matter the result of that ultrasound (though I do send you prayers that it will turn out to be nothing serious), you can still reverse the damage to both body and spirit.
The only freedom we have as human beings is what we choose to do - how we choose to react to the circumstances foisted upon us. Try to calm your guilt and anxiety down. Breathe through it, long and steady. Make your choice now - the choice to save yourself, to get whatever help you need to get sober and stay that way.
And then down the road, maybe you can rejoice. You can say: that fear saved me, brought me here, to this place of wellness, and for that I am grateful.
Just make the choice. You're worth it.
Best of luck to you, and let us know how it turns out. And keep coming back here.
I intimately know the panic underlying your words - the sick guilt that it might be too late, that you might have damaged yourself irrevocably by your own hand. It's terrifying, and the guilt or the need for denial is often what drives us back to the bottle.
But no matter the result of that ultrasound (though I do send you prayers that it will turn out to be nothing serious), you can still reverse the damage to both body and spirit.
The only freedom we have as human beings is what we choose to do - how we choose to react to the circumstances foisted upon us. Try to calm your guilt and anxiety down. Breathe through it, long and steady. Make your choice now - the choice to save yourself, to get whatever help you need to get sober and stay that way.
And then down the road, maybe you can rejoice. You can say: that fear saved me, brought me here, to this place of wellness, and for that I am grateful.
Just make the choice. You're worth it.
Best of luck to you, and let us know how it turns out. And keep coming back here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 1,061
Darragh,
Make the choice now to make a change in your life, it's not too late. I'm 41 and felt like total crap most days until 70 days ago today I decided it was time for a change. Was it easy, no, but it was the right decision. Life still isn't perfect nor will it ever be but I feel better and stronger going through it without all the added burdens that booze brings.
Make the choice now to make a change in your life, it's not too late. I'm 41 and felt like total crap most days until 70 days ago today I decided it was time for a change. Was it easy, no, but it was the right decision. Life still isn't perfect nor will it ever be but I feel better and stronger going through it without all the added burdens that booze brings.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NYC/NJ
Posts: 431
It's never too late. You did a good thing by posting here and I suggest you seek some help to get yourself on track. All that matters is what you do from from here on out, can't go back and change anything. 42 is still so young..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Toronto
Posts: 16
Thanks folks, what nice messages. I'm just trying to get through the night, doing the next right thing.
I can't believe how far I have sunk into this - carrying vodka in a sprite bottle on the subway, hiding it under my husband's nose. He is a sweet loving man who doesn't deserve this.
Just trying to drink lots of water today.
Thanks again, I feel slightly less alone.
I can't believe how far I have sunk into this - carrying vodka in a sprite bottle on the subway, hiding it under my husband's nose. He is a sweet loving man who doesn't deserve this.
Just trying to drink lots of water today.
Thanks again, I feel slightly less alone.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi Darragh
Welcome back.
I don't believe it's ever too late if you want to change.
You just have to reach out and ask for help - your doctor might be a great first step.
The best thing you can do for your body is stop drinking now.
Stop now and you'll give yourself the best chance of living without problems
Many of us have faced this situation and found things were not as bad as we seemed.
Good luck with the results
D
Welcome back.
I don't believe it's ever too late if you want to change.
You just have to reach out and ask for help - your doctor might be a great first step.
The best thing you can do for your body is stop drinking now.
Stop now and you'll give yourself the best chance of living without problems
Many of us have faced this situation and found things were not as bad as we seemed.
Good luck with the results
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 694
I am 42 and was a very heavy beer drinker, I quit for nearly 3 months in 2006 then relapsed and thought I was hopeless, I have been here on this forum a lot longer than Ive been sober so I do know the feeling.
I recently read some of my first posts and it brings back the memories of how insane my thinking actualy was, I've had blood work that shown elevated liver function but still continued for years drinking, I've lost friends due to drugs and alcohol but still drank.
Somthing finally clicked 58 days ago, and this has got to be the time I quit forever, I don't know if my body or mind can take another relapse.
I wish you all the best, do whatever it takes just don't drink, if those results arnt as bad as you think please don't use it as an excuse to continue drinking.
I recently read some of my first posts and it brings back the memories of how insane my thinking actualy was, I've had blood work that shown elevated liver function but still continued for years drinking, I've lost friends due to drugs and alcohol but still drank.
Somthing finally clicked 58 days ago, and this has got to be the time I quit forever, I don't know if my body or mind can take another relapse.
I wish you all the best, do whatever it takes just don't drink, if those results arnt as bad as you think please don't use it as an excuse to continue drinking.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Good to meet you.... I'm glad you came back and are working towards sobriety again.
I think we all felt scared and hopeless when we first got here - I know I did, and my body was definitely sending me messages to stop. (I started getting low back pain at about your age, but it was due to osteoarthritis). I'll say a little prayer for your testing tomorrow.
Hang in there - one day at a time......
I think we all felt scared and hopeless when we first got here - I know I did, and my body was definitely sending me messages to stop. (I started getting low back pain at about your age, but it was due to osteoarthritis). I'll say a little prayer for your testing tomorrow.
Hang in there - one day at a time......
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
When I was in a very bad, scary place I made a mantra: while there is breath there is hope. When we decide to stop drinking we only stop today. It's only today I'm sober. Please keep posting, we've all felt like you do now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 581
AA is about a spiritual experience that allows us to stop more than just for today-- to be relieved of our obsession to drink.
Isn't that a more attractive promise than grinding it out one day at a time?
Isn't that a more attractive promise than grinding it out one day at a time?
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
Originally Posted by Darragh 
carrying vodka in a sprite bottle on the subway, hiding it under my husband's nose. He is a sweet loving man who doesn't deserve this.
Much love.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,561
Darragh - you came back, that's the important thing. You still have hope, and that's all it takes to start on the right road. I was alot older than you when I finally got it that I couldn't touch the stuff.
You don't need to live that way any longer - here's where it can end. You can come out into the sunshine again, and live the life you deserve. Let us know how it's going!
You don't need to live that way any longer - here's where it can end. You can come out into the sunshine again, and live the life you deserve. Let us know how it's going!
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