reggiewayne

Hi all. Lately I have been feeling "disconnected" from recovery. I have been interviewing for a job, my wife has taken another job, our child is switching day care facilities and I have been running around like crazy.

I found out today that I got the job!!!! This should be great news and I am very happy that I got it. But today all I could think about is how drinking would "slow me down". I started thinking of what booze would do for me, and not what it always does to me.

I know that is a lie. I know that drinking wouldn't help anything. But I am desperately trying to regain the sense of serenity that I've had in the recent past. I hate posting this kind of thread. I try to be positive but I feel I need to be honest and ask for help.

Has anyone else gone through these "disconnected" periods? My plan is to read some posts tonight, go to a few meetings tomorrow, clean the house, and try to not worry about all the changes that are soon to happen.

I don't do very well with change. I simply don't like it very much and I don't do a very good job at handling it. The fact that drinking was actually an option for me tonight scares the hell out of me. I didn't drink and don't plan on it, but if I don't find my way back to being peaceful and serene I'm fearful of the outcome.

Have a good night all and I would love to know of some things that you all do to get yourself back on track.

CarolD

Prayers help me immensley in all situations.
Mega

About thinking on drinking again....
please read the final paragraph on page 43 in our BB.

Sounds to me as tho those are positive changes
All my best to the 3 of you

EmeraldRose

Congratulations on the job.
I think your head is spinning -you know your weakness and you know what happens when you succumb to it. I don't need to go there.
Life is change, change is learning and someone has a plan for you and knows you are able to keep up. I have faith in you, RW.

StPeteGrad

I hear you my, friend. Change? I got all bent out of shape when my wife moved the couch!

Anyway - a new job is a fresh start. I'm trying to be humble in my own job after a huge demotion after I used alcohol to give me "energy." Nights of drunk emailing, drunk calling thinking I was brilliant. Showing up in the morning and no one could stand to be around me since I reaked of alcohol from the night before. That hazy feeling that often lasted until lunch. That tiredness that hit about 4pm and that huge "pick me up" that only booze gave me to do it all over again - "keep digging, man." They say our rock bottom is the point we "quit digging."

Congratulations on the new job! Hopefully you can build sobriety into part of the routine. I don't know what you do, but being sober can't hurt your performance. Humility is the one thing I've had to learn - and trying not to be passive aggressive with my new "lot in life."

I've also had to learn that my job is not my identity - it's something I do in order to do the things I like to do even more with those I like more (family, friends). In AA there are a few of us that have given our jobs too much credit for our identities. I've had to personally take my identity back, work as hard as I can and let me rebuild my own reputation as a good person. Once again be someone people want on their team because I help people do what they do better and I'm reliable.

I'm looking forward to hearing how it goes for you. It's a great AA topic as well!
-SPG

reggiewayne

Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power.

I needed that Carol. Thank you!!!!

Missy7

I so look up to you. From the very beginning your advice and insightfulness were among the most important to me. I know when you post that something thoughtful and positive has been said. And I know you can handle these changes.

You wouldn't have gone through six interviews if you didn't want the job! Now you have it. I know how frightening it can be to get what you want. I think that's part of the addictive personality. We (at least looking at my own family) don't expect things to go well and we want to panic when they do. The rest of the world nods politely and goes on their way. So nod, be proud of yourself, and move in the right direction.

And every day when I have my little doubts, I'll remember how well you are doing.

Congratulations.

reggiewayne

Great stuff StPeteGrad and EmeraldRose. I can so relate to the drunk emailing and calls. I did that stuff too. I think I will bring this up in my meeting tomorrow and call a bunch of my AA buddies. I just have such a bad habit of isolating in times of trouble. That's why I posted the thread.

Thanks again guys!

reggiewayne

Thanks Missy. That was very nice. I have been doing pretty well lately but I just don't feel as "dialed in" as I have in the past. I know I can get back, who knows I may be back tomorrow (fingers crossed). I do know that holding these feelings in and letting them grow has not served me well in the past.

Tomorrow is another day. I am so grateful that I'm going to be sober tonight!

artsoul

Congratulations, reggie! Glad you posted and I'm so happy you got the job!

Some of the strongest urges for me have been when I completed a task, especially when it was really successful...... There's a kind of moment of limbo where I feel especially vulnerable because usually I'm driving myself to the next goal.

Maybe you just forgot what the voice sounds like (?) Now that the obsession have left for the most part, I can go weeks without hearing that voice (the one that says "you know what would make this complete - a drink!, come on, you don't have to be perfect....") I'm kinda used to the quiet.... so when it catches me now it's unnerving..... (coming here grounds me again).

Sounds like you need a little "me" time just to catch up with yourself. Maybe that's why the voice is talking again (?) - just telling you that you let go of some of your focus?..... You've got lots of changes going on, but the good news is that you can also take those changes one day at a time. I have total faith in you..... :ghug3

Missy7

I'm pretty early, and not as educated as some, but I think that maybe the further we get away from drinking, the more self-directed we need to become. I'm guessing that it is impossible to sustain the intensity we have at the very beginning, and that's probably good. I understand that the intensity emphasizes the importance of abstaining, but I suspect it will be hard to sustain over the long run. Maybe that's where you are.

What does the "maintenance" phase of AA look like? Maybe that's where you are...

Supercrew

Congrats on the new job! Now it's time to embrace change. You wanted this opportunity, and you earned it, so take the bull by the horns and embrace it.

You need to change to grow, and you must grow to live your life to the fullest! If change is uncomfortable for you get comfortable with being uncomfortable for a while and embrace it. The way we see something, like a new job or the future, does change that which we are seeing. So view it as being positive and successful and sober.

NewMe11109

Hi ReggieWayne -

Yes, I have also felt exactly as you do now -- "disconnected" is a good way to describe it.

For me, it always goes back to the serenity prayer. When I find that my mind is racing and I feel out of control, I am often trying to control things that I shouldn't. So, my recovery tool is to say: "What am I afraid of? Do I have any control over the outcome?" I try to figure out what part of it I can influence and let my higher power worry about the rest.

When I started a new job, which I too did within the last 6 weeks, I started with the same initial fear and then said "I will do my best at work, but a lot of it is out of my control. I am not going to be fearful of that unknown as it is going to happen as it is supposed to happen." I don't ignore my responsibilities, but I also try not to get so caught up in myself that I lose focus on what I can and can't control.

Finally, in the midst of all this, my sponsee went through a crisis and I was up late a few days in a row helping them through their issues. When the crisis passed, I realized that a lot of my fear was gone. So, helping others has a great way of putting one's own life in perspective and keeping you grounded on what matters, what doesn't, and where we should just let things happen as they will.

Hang in there. Change is not bad, it is the fear of what the change will cause that we need to learn to manage.

keithj

Of course, I've had periods of time where I didn't feel connected. Some of them lasting for months, and I expect to have many more.

I will always take a look at my daily actions. Am I holding some resentments? Do I have an amends to make? Am I running the show? Do I need to shake up my daily meditation routine?

Barring any glaring holes in the spiritual program, sometimes disconnected is just the way it feels. Spiritual connection can be like the seasons. Sometimes it's winter.

The important thing for me has been to maintain my practice in spite of how it feels. I've had experience that these actions lead me to closer spiritual connection. And even if I'm not feeling that today, I trust those actions.

Or, you can chuck all that away and look at where in your life are you playing the director? Because that's probably what it is.

Where are you in the Steps, Reggie?