Whine without the wine
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 47
Whine without the wine
So, sober 20 days, have felt good up til now. I started a new job recently and am starting to dig myself out of the hole I created in my drunk days...paying bills, getting used to working again, trying to be responsible.
Tonight, I just feel miserable, irritated, nothing matters, just want to kill a case of Molson and say F*ck it... So much stuff to do to mop up the mess I created, I lost so much. I don't like my new job, I hate this town, the weather sucks, I'm getting fat because I'm eating again, quitting smoking didn't work, my kids are still gone with my ex because of the courts, no decent man in my life, what's the point.
I'm not drinking though. The withdrawals last time are too fresh in my memory. I need to somehow keep it together, get my stuff done, and act like a grown-up, not a little girl. Restless, irritable, discontented...
Tonight, I just feel miserable, irritated, nothing matters, just want to kill a case of Molson and say F*ck it... So much stuff to do to mop up the mess I created, I lost so much. I don't like my new job, I hate this town, the weather sucks, I'm getting fat because I'm eating again, quitting smoking didn't work, my kids are still gone with my ex because of the courts, no decent man in my life, what's the point.
I'm not drinking though. The withdrawals last time are too fresh in my memory. I need to somehow keep it together, get my stuff done, and act like a grown-up, not a little girl. Restless, irritable, discontented...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. I'm sure it will take you a while to correct everything, but each little thing is a victory. I paid bills on Saturday and felt good about it. Don't you? What steps can you take to correct the situation with your kids? Do you get to talk to them every day? Do that and make it count. Then you can feel good about yourself. Heck, feel good about yourself anyway. Every day you don't drink is a day closer to whatever life you imagine. Every day you don't drink is a day closer to a job you will love.
What are you doing about finding fulfilling work? That would be a good thing to do during your down times.
Your further along than me, and we need to look to each other. I've been cranky tonight too. But it doesn't matter. We know what to do.
Hugs.
What are you doing about finding fulfilling work? That would be a good thing to do during your down times.
Your further along than me, and we need to look to each other. I've been cranky tonight too. But it doesn't matter. We know what to do.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Venus, Space
Posts: 757
Hang in there pinkroses - I think for many of us, especially for me, the first 30 plus days were just like you described, everything would go from being flipping fantastic to utterly miserable and I (in my own mind) was reprehensible and not worthy of anything.
I didn't like my job, money was exhausted, court over a DUI on the horizon, I got sober in October in the bay area so during the rain and foggy months hence the weather sucked, and I was getting fat from eating all the time too and that bothered me (and I'm a guy). And so on a lot of days I woke up and felt like I was at an emotional ZERO. 10 to 0, and 0 to 10 - that was the pattern. Fantastic then horrible. Wretched then fantastic.
But gradually, with each passing day things slowly started to get better. I joined SR and AA nearly immediately (AA the first day I quit drinking, again, and SR about a couple weeks later after trolling). I started to post more on here and read a whole bunch from SR. Went to a ton of meetings and met with my sponsor on a regular basis. I still come here and do AA a LOT, it helps that much.
On the days I woke up and felt wretched, I'd close my eyes and say the serenity prayer as many times as I needed to in order to get out of bed and start my day. And yes the change was gradual but things DID change. They got better as I got better. I'm finding renewed interest in my job (I still don't love it but I'm aware of the economic situation and I've been able to allow myself to be happy while I'm there whereas before I was just struggling to get through the day), my DUI situation went to court and that part was finally resolved, money has started to flow back in and as luck would have it the weather is starting to change with spring more or less arriving. I guess what I'm saying is that, as we stay sober and work on our recovery things just seem to have a way of naturally taking care of themselves, largely it has to do with our new perception towards ourselves, others, and life overall.
I still don't have a special woman in my life, and I sometimes get a lil moody but life has gotten so exponentially better it is absolutely amazing how wonderful things have become and it hasn't even been that long that I've been sober. Lots of miracles have happened & I feel as though I just had to keep an open mind so I could notice them when they came into my life.
The parts about things being emotionally crazy (0 to 10), gradually getting better, finding happiness and love for ourselves, finding miracles in everyday occurrences - these aren't unique to my recovery - I hear the same thing from people here at SR and in the rooms of AA all the time.
Give it a chance. Hang in there. And one suggestion, have you considered any face to face / in-person support such as AA? For my, I needed/need more than just SR, I find both AA and SR to be invaluable in my recovery.
Oh and welcome to the SR family!
I didn't like my job, money was exhausted, court over a DUI on the horizon, I got sober in October in the bay area so during the rain and foggy months hence the weather sucked, and I was getting fat from eating all the time too and that bothered me (and I'm a guy). And so on a lot of days I woke up and felt like I was at an emotional ZERO. 10 to 0, and 0 to 10 - that was the pattern. Fantastic then horrible. Wretched then fantastic.
But gradually, with each passing day things slowly started to get better. I joined SR and AA nearly immediately (AA the first day I quit drinking, again, and SR about a couple weeks later after trolling). I started to post more on here and read a whole bunch from SR. Went to a ton of meetings and met with my sponsor on a regular basis. I still come here and do AA a LOT, it helps that much.
On the days I woke up and felt wretched, I'd close my eyes and say the serenity prayer as many times as I needed to in order to get out of bed and start my day. And yes the change was gradual but things DID change. They got better as I got better. I'm finding renewed interest in my job (I still don't love it but I'm aware of the economic situation and I've been able to allow myself to be happy while I'm there whereas before I was just struggling to get through the day), my DUI situation went to court and that part was finally resolved, money has started to flow back in and as luck would have it the weather is starting to change with spring more or less arriving. I guess what I'm saying is that, as we stay sober and work on our recovery things just seem to have a way of naturally taking care of themselves, largely it has to do with our new perception towards ourselves, others, and life overall.
I still don't have a special woman in my life, and I sometimes get a lil moody but life has gotten so exponentially better it is absolutely amazing how wonderful things have become and it hasn't even been that long that I've been sober. Lots of miracles have happened & I feel as though I just had to keep an open mind so I could notice them when they came into my life.
The parts about things being emotionally crazy (0 to 10), gradually getting better, finding happiness and love for ourselves, finding miracles in everyday occurrences - these aren't unique to my recovery - I hear the same thing from people here at SR and in the rooms of AA all the time.
Give it a chance. Hang in there. And one suggestion, have you considered any face to face / in-person support such as AA? For my, I needed/need more than just SR, I find both AA and SR to be invaluable in my recovery.
Oh and welcome to the SR family!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 47
Thanks for the responses...I guess the key is in what SwanSong said..."allow myself to be happy while I'm there"...for work, allow myself to be happy at home, and alone. I just got out of a 10 year marriage, then had a slew of "boyfriends" who only seemed to want one thing, I was drunk party girl the whole time, which made my self-worth plunge even more, if thats even possible.
Just taking it one day at a time, looking for the miracles, going to AA when I can...keeping my chin up. Glad to be sober today, no hangovers, no shakes.
Just taking it one day at a time, looking for the miracles, going to AA when I can...keeping my chin up. Glad to be sober today, no hangovers, no shakes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
I agree, Swansong...I, too, need both AA and SR. I look forward to being out with my AA friends and meeting face to face. When I'm home I appreciate SR in a continued path of staying on my mark -all the time. I can always come here...always welcome.
I think finding miracles in everyday occurances is very important. To realize there are good things in something you may be struggling with.
The good things keeps us going the struggle keeps us growing.
I try to take things as they come...deal with a situation while its fresh. Don't let things sit in your brain to rot. You will feel better about yourself and the situation if its dealt with in a timely manner. If you need help...ask. If you need to vent...come here!
Going with my gut is a huge aspect of my recovery. Learning how to deal with my inner self and knowing exactly what *I* want. If its feel right, generally speaking its a good choice. If you have anxiety over it...then chances are good its not a good idea.
Congratulations on the sober time, Pink.
I think finding miracles in everyday occurances is very important. To realize there are good things in something you may be struggling with.
The good things keeps us going the struggle keeps us growing.
I try to take things as they come...deal with a situation while its fresh. Don't let things sit in your brain to rot. You will feel better about yourself and the situation if its dealt with in a timely manner. If you need help...ask. If you need to vent...come here!
Going with my gut is a huge aspect of my recovery. Learning how to deal with my inner self and knowing exactly what *I* want. If its feel right, generally speaking its a good choice. If you have anxiety over it...then chances are good its not a good idea.
Congratulations on the sober time, Pink.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Some great advice here pinkroses...life was tough for me for a while...I did everything with a drink before...it was hard to get used to not having that crutch.
It was also hard because I had a lot of my own mess to clean up as well as dealing with day to day things and the various crises that always seem to blow up.....but I made it...with support (Swan is right - my advice is cast your net wide and get as much support as you can)
D
It was also hard because I had a lot of my own mess to clean up as well as dealing with day to day things and the various crises that always seem to blow up.....but I made it...with support (Swan is right - my advice is cast your net wide and get as much support as you can
)D
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
hi pr - I like what you, Swan and Emerald said about "looking for the miracles."
There are lots of days when I have turn away from the negative thoughts and interject some positive ones. I still get overwhelmed, but know that each day sober is already something to be grateful for.
Give yourself some time - like a year - to make some of these changes in your life. Accept that you can only do so much in a day. The future can be bright again.......
There are lots of days when I have turn away from the negative thoughts and interject some positive ones. I still get overwhelmed, but know that each day sober is already something to be grateful for.
Give yourself some time - like a year - to make some of these changes in your life. Accept that you can only do so much in a day. The future can be bright again.......
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 331
Pinkroses, Congratulations on 20 days, that is quite a feat I'm in a dark place right now too 
I think alcohol and drugs masks all of our emotions, and along with getting clean those old emotions are being released. As bad as it sounds, I try to welcome the depression, you need to let all of your feelings out to grow. Just know that you are not the only one that feels like this. Also if you relapse, you will 100x worse, so be proud of where you are at in your sobriety. Enjoy the little things, afterall there are so many of them. Live for today and right now, nothing is worth more than this day. And maybe write down the things you are grateful for, measure the good things in your life and not the bad. Hang in there, in time things will turn around for you.
I'm in a dark place right now too 
I think alcohol and drugs masks all of our emotions, and along with getting clean those old emotions are being released. As bad as it sounds, I try to welcome the depression, you need to let all of your feelings out to grow. Just know that you are not the only one that feels like this. Also if you relapse, you will 100x worse, so be proud of where you are at in your sobriety. Enjoy the little things, afterall there are so many of them. Live for today and right now, nothing is worth more than this day. And maybe write down the things you are grateful for, measure the good things in your life and not the bad. Hang in there, in time things will turn around for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: toronto canada
Posts: 181
nothing ever gets better when we say f**k it????
remember the withdrawls?
try to keep them as fresh as daisies.
they will always be waiting for you with open arms if you decide to go back out again.
early sobriety is hard.boring.scary. and can be very lonely.
but remember if you walk 2 weeks into the woods you aint gonna come out in a day.
sobriety takes work and vigilence..
try to hit a meeting or 3.
meet new people.
i have found aa to be a great social network.
i know doctors .lawyers.
rich guys .bums.
you name it were there haha.
i guarantee you in a month from now you will feel an awful lot better .
and soon as the weather improves you can get out .go for a walk or run .or by a bicycle.
get ouuta the house /feel the sun on your face...
and when you do remember the horrors of withdrawl and what drinking does to you.
if you loose yourself in a bottle you loose everything.
good luck and keep us posted ,we are all here for you
remember the withdrawls?
try to keep them as fresh as daisies.
they will always be waiting for you with open arms if you decide to go back out again.
early sobriety is hard.boring.scary. and can be very lonely.
but remember if you walk 2 weeks into the woods you aint gonna come out in a day.
sobriety takes work and vigilence..
try to hit a meeting or 3.
meet new people.
i have found aa to be a great social network.
i know doctors .lawyers.
rich guys .bums.
you name it were there haha.
i guarantee you in a month from now you will feel an awful lot better .
and soon as the weather improves you can get out .go for a walk or run .or by a bicycle.
get ouuta the house /feel the sun on your face...
and when you do remember the horrors of withdrawl and what drinking does to you.
if you loose yourself in a bottle you loose everything.
good luck and keep us posted ,we are all here for you
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
