Back from the Rabbit Hole
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Portland, Or
Posts: 35
Back from the Rabbit Hole
Firstly I want to say thank you to everyone that was so supportive of me when I was here the first time... I'm sorry I went back to that dark place... you think you can control yourself and that one time will be enough, but of course it never works that way.
Things got pretty bad for me... to the point that I was using at work, stealing from people, lying to my closest friends... *sigh* but I'm back at square one. Ready to try again. I've been to my second counselling session, although it took a few weeks to get there from my first, and I am feeling better. I had a friend come over last week because I was coming down really hard and couldn't find the strength to even make it home after work. I had been up for days, so hungry that I was able to eat when I was high... I think the worst thing though was someone at work commenting on how thin I was looking in the face. I've always been slim... but never unhealthy-looking.
I've thought about coming on here a few times, but honestly I felt really ashamed of myself. I hate admitting how much this substance has taken control of my life... but I refuse to stop fighting. I can't just give up and die... not yet, right?
I guess I'm just looking for support... you all are so wonderful at revitalizing my energy to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I told my mother what's been going on... and now if for no one else, I have to do this for her. I can't let her see me fail like this. She came over and made me breakfast this morning... trying to fatten me up
. It's nice to be taken care of sometimes, but it's time to find my own strength.
Here's to the future... no more burned fingers I have to try and explain to my co-workers... no more hallucinations that I try to justify to people before realizing the voices are just in my head... no more giving up. It's time to fight.
Things got pretty bad for me... to the point that I was using at work, stealing from people, lying to my closest friends... *sigh* but I'm back at square one. Ready to try again. I've been to my second counselling session, although it took a few weeks to get there from my first, and I am feeling better. I had a friend come over last week because I was coming down really hard and couldn't find the strength to even make it home after work. I had been up for days, so hungry that I was able to eat when I was high... I think the worst thing though was someone at work commenting on how thin I was looking in the face. I've always been slim... but never unhealthy-looking.
I've thought about coming on here a few times, but honestly I felt really ashamed of myself. I hate admitting how much this substance has taken control of my life... but I refuse to stop fighting. I can't just give up and die... not yet, right?
I guess I'm just looking for support... you all are so wonderful at revitalizing my energy to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I told my mother what's been going on... and now if for no one else, I have to do this for her. I can't let her see me fail like this. She came over and made me breakfast this morning... trying to fatten me up
. It's nice to be taken care of sometimes, but it's time to find my own strength.Here's to the future... no more burned fingers I have to try and explain to my co-workers... no more hallucinations that I try to justify to people before realizing the voices are just in my head... no more giving up. It's time to fight.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Portland, Or
Posts: 35
I know... and I hate to blame everything on breaking up with my (now) ex... but I feel like that was the turning point for me. I just couldn't deal anymore... but now it's all about me. I need to be the reason I want to get better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
Welcome back. I find it easier to give up rather than to fight. My DOC is alcohol - namely 100 proof Kentucky Bourban. The harder I fought it, the harder it kicked my asss... Not trying to split hairs, but this mindset has helped me quite a bit.
I've spent my entire life fighting people, places, and things and it's gotten me nowhere. It was time for me to try something else. Thank god I did!
Best of luck to you!
I've spent my entire life fighting people, places, and things and it's gotten me nowhere. It was time for me to try something else. Thank god I did!
Best of luck to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Portland, Or
Posts: 35
Thank you... I have had to resist so much temptation tonight... got a text from a random number asking if I wanted to party.... thank god I'm at work right now and it didn't pan out. I might need to change my number actually, really just cut ties with anyone who might offer me bad things...
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