NewLife221

Hello... Well let me start off by saying i found this site after some soul searching about a week ago and many relapses later. And now it is time to deal with my demon!!!!

the demon i have left is weed.

where do I start??? im not good at this, so bare with me... please..
I have been a avid weed smoker since i was 13yrs old. I am now 29yrs old... I was diagnosed with ADHD when i was young. I was prescribed many different "medicines" throughout the first few years. I did not like how they made me feel, so i took my own approach at "medicine".... Weed. what a dumb idea!!

fast forwarding through the 16yr weed addiction, in order...
- got kicked out of moms place at 17.
- went to prison @ the age of 18 after some dumbass choices, lost a uncle who had a crack cocaine addiction while i was in prison(was not high at the time of death, heart attack).
- got out of prison @ 20yrs old (No trouble since)
- found my first serious relationship (been together almost 9yrs now, daughter will be 7 in June)
- kicked a non serious Social drinking habit at some point (alcoholism runs in my family, Mom has been sober since '05.. so proud of her)
- kicked another VERY serious addiction on my own basically, a few years ago (cold turkey, not a fun thing)

well, there is my brief run down of the past 16yrs... through all that, i am still a everyday weed smoker.. Until now!!

I am ready to quit... not just for me, but for my family.. so you will see me around here quite often.. I am not looking for someone to hold my hand, I am not looking for a pitty party.. just some words of encouragement when times get tough and i feel this is the best place to find it as i have a hard time opening up to people face to face..

i am currently 1 day sober and hope to continue counting the days, weeks, months and years!!!! i do have will power as i kicked a very serious substance addiction as stated above, so i know i can kick this last demons ass.

SwanSong

Welcome to SR NewLife221.

After I hit my bottom and came back to AA the very first thing I did was throw away all my marijuana and pipes. Even my expensive vaporizer went in the trash.

My reasoning is that even though alcohol is my drug of no choice (I have no control over it) I was fully aware that my drugs of choice (weed, etc.) could easily lead me back to my drug of no choice, either by altering my state of mind or by the people I would hang out with if I still engaged in that activity (i.e. my pot smoking friends are all drinkers too).

Most importantly I wanted to be "sober". Not 'sober from alcohol but occasionally smoking some weed' sober. I fully encourage you to keep on this road you are trudging down. Living life without using alcohol or weed is so much more rewarding than a life revolving around either or both. I never would have been able to imagine that before getting sober but I now see that it is 100% true.

With as many years as you have with your marijuana addiction definitely don't be afraid to check out in-person support groups if you feel you need it. I found SR and AA to both be critically important to my recovery. AA provides the in-person support and companionship I need and SR provides an online community and gives me somewhere to go and vent, share, support, etc. when I'm at home alone.

Again welcome to SR, happy to hear you want to live sober!

NewLife221

thanks for the reply swan. much appreciated.

i plan on smashing my pipe and getting rid of all my other paraphernalia tomorrow. I dont want it, i dont need it.. just having it all around will make me think, "hey, one more time wont hurt"..... F that!!! not to mention all the money i have wasted on it.. i dont want that crap around me anymore. I am done.

I am taking control of my life. I am so tired of living in a smokey haze. sometimes i feel that i lost the ability to feel, care and love.... unless i was high. hell, even in prison i was smoking weed.. my whole way of thinking was, i needed it cause i use it as crutch for my ADHD... what a dumb way of thinking i tell you. it has altered my mind so much in the years.

Finally, Rock bottom, i can feel it... tears and all... with that said its bed time... i want to wake up to day #2 and look forward to day #3, 4, and so on..

thanks again swan and good luck w/your sobriety.. and sorry to everyone if im just rambling and jumping from thought to thought, just getting things off my chest as they come.

Dee74

Hi NewLife
Welcome to SR.

I smoked pot daily for 20 years or so.

It was uncomfortable to give it up but if you're committed I think you'll make it through the irritability and emotional stuff without too much drama and should find you feel an improvement in a week or two.

The mental addiction will probably last a lot longer but you'll find a lot of support here.

This link may be a little simplistic in parts but I think it has some good ideas
http://www.nevdgp.org.au/info/std_mi...juanaQuit.html

Are you thinking of face to face support as well?

D

NewLife221

thanks for the link Dee. as of now i do not plan on any face to face recovery/support.. i find it hard to open up to people that way. i think smoking for that many years has lead to a social anxiety problem, but like everything else i have overcome in my life i know i can overcome this weed addiction.
i think online support will be enough, but if i feel i need it, face to face support will never be ruled out.

thank you's for the warm welcome and i'll be praying for everyone in the SR community!!!

NewLife221

Feeling pretty good this morning. looking forward to finishing day #2 on the right foot. I wont lie, i have already thought about getting high as any daily user would. So i went out to the garage, broke my pipe and threw everything else in the garbage... just thought i'd update.

be back later on tonight. earlier if needed!

departure

Good job! If you are in battle with a demon it's a good strategy to rid them of their implements of torture. Don't forget the weapons you've armed yourself with - willingness and determination to change, your list of reasons to make the change, and the strength you've tucked away somewhere inside to do this.

NewLife221

thanks departure.

Well day #2 went great. only thought about getting high a few times. my weed man called me today and said he had some killer stuff, i told him to go smoke it his self, i did not want it and i did not want to pay his bills anymore!!!! i have my own to pay.

got a few calls today to go hang out with some people tonight, i declined.. I am now sitting at home on a friday night watching tv and reading many, many threads on SR just trying to get my head right and life on the right track.

I am seriously proud of myself, my head feels so much clearer without all the highly potent THC it is usually getting on a friday night. I am looking forward to tomorrow!!

jessiecat777

hey there jess here...and your story inspired me to get real with something, the whole reason i came to online addiction place for help....well here it goes...i have been very lonely...the friends i used to have either used or i used....so my d and a therapist thinks i need support...which i know is very true...
one girlfriend of mine has stood by me over the years and completly loves me and supports my recovery.
Then there is my daughter...who has been through so much over the years just knowing that i was messing up badly...
and then there is her dad...who let me come back and live in their house....well there are ups and downs and slowly i am building a relationship with my daughter..the chris thing has yet to be seen because we have a long history of hurting each other over and over again.
and right at this moment he is out getting trashed at a bar with his friend....he doesn't have addiction problems and part of me is jealous of him right now...those jealous tendancies have made us fight in the past about him going out...that and he is a sarcastic drunk and has been mean in the past
i know that my being an addict prevents me from even one drink because that one drink will lead me to drugs and seriously i will die the next time out there(i barely made it out this time) so...i will deal with these thoughts because i know i am doing the right thing by staying home and chatting to you guys...my new familyinstead of making an as* of myself and ending up down the city for drugs...but i can't help but have the lonely thoughts....and wish i was normal for just one night
oh and on top of it i have just learned that my new friend....my boyfriends sister in law use to use too....and she actually wanted me to end up going out and useing with her....and this is a so called normal mother of small children...so go figure! at least i can say i turned her down and confronted that issue head on with knowledge i learned in meetings...the whole people places and things thing rang true for me
ok i am done ranting and boring the hell out of anyone that will listen to me...hope you all are having a fabulous friday.
jess

Ranger

"Killer", eh? Whether a direct quote or freudian...well played!

Awesome job, my man. I'm sitting here at the old puter gearing up for my 4th step on Monday night. Talk about facing demons! Took me 20 months to grow a pair and finally do the inventory...a schedule I do NOT recommend.

Ranger

Of course you're going to feel lonely here in the short-go, Jess. But this here is a marathon. I think you'll find that as your recovery matures, so too will your base of friends and confidants.

And as for "normal", none of us wants how those "normal" people out getting smashed are going to feel tmw morning!

jessiecat777

that is so true ranger...thanks for your kind words..i do believe i am destined for greatness rather than failure....and motrin for that hangover you mentioned

crittery

I quit weed a week ago but I've only been smoking weed a couple of years, so I've got nothing on you. Do you smoke cigarettes as well? In the past when I've tried to quit I could only manage one at a time (either cigarettes or weed) but I would keep smoking something. So it's best to kill two birds with one stone..er.. lol pun.

I've been thinking of how nice it would be light up just one small lil joint but I can't because of the shame I would feel, and I would be hooked again faster than you can say bong. I'm enjoying my mind too much at the moment anyway, I get more out of movies, I can read and type faster, my mind is just a lot faster at everything. My lungs still feel tight but they are a bit better.

Good luck! and don't drink or you'll really feel the urge to get high!

MsCooterBrown

right at this moment he is out getting trashed at a bar with his friend....he doesn't have addiction problems and part of me is jealous of him right now...those jealous tendancies have made us fight in the past about him going out...that and he is a sarcastic drunk and has been mean in the past

Jess...I think he must have addiction problems. He may not smoke but he drinks..and I think you deserve to surround yourself with loving people..Sarcastic mean drunks that are mean should all be put on an Island just for them..they can kill themselves off one by one (survival of the fittest) until there is only one sarcastic mean drunk left. See how he likes living with himself!!!

NewLife..I used to smoke pot. I got rid of all my paraphenalia except for this joint holder box...it is ceramic and hand painted. Dopey (one of the Seven Dwarfs) is on the cover smoking a doobie. I just can't part with it..the thing that made me quit smoking without looking back is they started doing random drug testing at work. I have already gotten drawn twice..if you test positive..mandatory rehab or termination if you refuse. Neither choice sounded too appealing to me! Hang in there..Better days are ahead. Hope to see more posts from you!!

NewLife221

jess, you did not bore the hell out of me.. if you need someone to talk to, i am a good listener! and always willing to help out when i can.. with that being said, i am glad i could inspire you w/my story even if it was just a very little bit..

I am glad to hear that you turned your BF's sister in law down tonight (i applaud you).. and do not be jealous of your daughters dad being out getting smashed. just know that you are at home trying to get your self better while he is at the bar racking up that tab, and who is going to feel like crap tomorrow most likely??? Him! not you. when he wakes up in the morning feeling like crap, let him know how much you appreciate him for giving you a chance to get you life back together and being able to be in the same house as your daughter. we know that wont make things better, but maybe he will appreciate you trying to get things in order.

i believe we addicts all feel lonely. i know i do, even in a crowded room i feel that way sometimes.. and i am coming to realize that the reason i have felt that way all these years is because i have not yet to learn to love myself. i loved getting high, but the high never let me love myself. Now believe me, i am not trying to sound like i know it all, because i do not and never will..

Jess, even though your daughter may know you have messed up in the past, believe me you can change the future with her. I am now finding that out with my daughter. I have put my addictions before her in the past and i know even though she is only 7, she knows there was something not right with daddy at times. i have NEVER let her see me getting high (yes, she has smelled it walking into the garage to talk to me at times "daddy what smells out here"), she has never once heard me talking about getting high (that i know of), she does not know that daddy has a drug problem and is trying to recover for myself and her..... just keep in mind jess, that is your daughter, she will always love you even if you do not love yourself. what you can do though is learn to love yourself and watch her love for you grow even more!!! let her know, you are doing this for yourself but you are also doing it for her.... think you will be feeling that loneliness then??

keep that head up jess, we are here for you, i know i am only on my 2nd day of sobriety, but i have been through tons of obstacles in my life, so i do have some wisdom to share. i hope i can help, like i said, i am always hear to listen, chat and give advise when i feel i can. feel free to drop a line in my inbox at anytime.

-Eddie-

NewLife221

hey crittery, good job on a week sober. that is great. keep it up.

yes i do smoke cigs, i am actually trying to quit them to, but i do not want to force my hand. that will come in time.

i fully feel where you are coming from about the shame. i have tried to get sober a few times and when i relapsed i can not tell you how horrible i felt with shame that i went back to my demon. it is a sickening feeling huh? i hope to never feel that shame again, and i hope the same for you and everyone in the SR community.

i can not begin to tell you how many great jobs i could have had (in the past 2 months) if only i could have passed a pee test. that is another reason for my rock bottom actions i am taking now. makes me feel like such a loser that i spend all this money on weed, yet i have barely any money coming in.

i had a great job that ended in march because i was back on weed and was feeling irritable and lost my temper. told my boss to F off and do the crap his self, all because i was tired of putting in that "extra effort" i was putting in when i was not smoking weed. i quit smoking for 2 months when i got the job
and things were going great, i was learning a new trade and when i felt comfortable at the job, i ended up smoking again because i had the "hang of it"...... what a dumb choice.. now look, i have been out of work for almost 2 months and now i have to start again.

even though i did tell my boss to F off, he did keep his word and gave a company i applied for a Great recommendation because of my work ethic. next thing i know they want me to come in and pee for them so i can start the new job, well long story short i had to make up a lie to keep that from happening because i was dumb and using again. i will take the next test offered though, and i will pass that is for sure!!

thanks for your post, and you hang in there to. you will be seeing a lot more post from me.... i am here to stay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MsCooterBrown

Any more..it almosts makes sense just to carry a pee cup around with you. Be prepared.

NewLife221

very true

crittery

I've never had a drug test before, but if it's a urine test I've read that it can still find traces of THC in your system a couple of months after quitting for heavy smokers. So it might be an idea to test it yourself before you go in. Just in case.

jessiecat777

hey i just wanted to say thanks....i was really touched and impressed by what you said...wow it really helps to know i am not alone and there are people like you out there...makes this road not quite as lonely:-)