Librarygal4

I keep going back and forth between wanting to quit completely and thinking I can drink in moderation. I am a weekend drinker, but drink to definite excess when I do drink, probably 75% of the time I black out. During the week, I don't even think about alcohol. So I'm wondering how you convinced yourself that you indeed needed to abstain completely as opposed to trying to drink in moderation.

Thanks!

suki44883

When you keep trying to moderate and it doesn't work for the long term, that should convince you that you can't moderate. Continuing to do the same thing over and over but expecting different results is insanity.

AmericanGirl

Hi Library . . . my experience is similar to what Suki describes. I tried to moderate for years before I understood it wouldn't work. Also, I had to give up the notion that my drinking was somehow "something I was failing at doing right" and accept that my biology makes consistent moderation impossible for me. This was really hard to do because it went against everything I'd been taught (even if I'd seen otherwise).

I used to spend so much time stressing about moderating. Quitting entirely has been a freeing experience! Good luck & welcome to SR.

Latte

It took picking my child up from school drunk. I starting going to meetings the next day. I went back and forth for a few years after that, but I never drove drunk again. I found a bottom where I could not ignore that I had a problem anymore.

sarah14

Hi Librarygirl and welcome to SR! I tried moderation; keeping the drinking to weekends. I never blacked out, never got very drunk, but got so tired of feeling lousy the next day and triggering the obsessive thoughts about drinking/not drinking, etc. I had just had enough of alcohol.

Have you had enough? You said you black out when you drink. That's a sure sign that your body can't handle the booze.

This is a wonderful place to be. I hope you find the answers your looking for here and within.

departure

And how is drinking in moderation working for you? If you are blacking out 75% of the time, I would guess that it's not working out so well.

I've been on "moderate drinking" since just after Thanksgiving. I looked up the moderate drinking guidelines. For a woman, they are 7 drinks per week (more for a man). Either 1 per day or no more than 3 in a sitting (which I consider to be a day).

So my moderate drinking plan was no alcohol Monday through Thursday. No more than 3 drinks a day/night Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and staying within the 7 drinks.

Well, I shot that all to heck last weekend when I drank during the week (a glass of wine here, a glass of wine there) and ended up consuming during the weekend alone about (maybe more than) 3x times the weekly drinks.

I also built in some exceptions to the plan over the time of "moderate drinking": if I don't have to work the next day I can drink; if it's a holiday I can drink; if I'm on vacation I can drink...

Plain and simple, if you blackout, you drank too much. That's what brought me here on Monday. I blackedout on Sunday night. On monday morning, I was so devastated that I started looking up those guidelines again and I was upset with myself because I already knew them and had broken them time and time again over the course of the last several months. My behavior had changed, too.

I found this site because I had googled something about being a problem drinker vs. an alcoholic and it brought me to a post here. I realised that I had failed miserably at drinking moderately. I looked at AA and found a meeting and went that day. I'm still having trouble with facing labeling myself an alcoholic, but I intend to go to another meeting tomorrow. I have not made a plan to stop forever right now, but I have made a plan to make it through the weekend without a drink, and am considering making it 30 days from there, and then...I don't know.

I plan to sit down this weekend and make a list of some of the negative things about my drinking (moderate or not) that have negatively impacted my life and my family. I hope it helps me as I go through each day.

elfgirl

For me, it was telling my husband I didn't want to drink one night, then having my brother show up with a bottle of the best whiskey I have ever tasted, and I proceeded to get totally blackout drunk, woke up with bruises I couldn't account for, and had incredible, intense anxiety about what might have happened the night before. I remember talking with my brother about how drinking made me feel like a loser- I don't want my kids to have memories of me like I have of my alcoholic father, I don't like the way I act when I am drunk, and I certainly don't like the blackouts. I have a couple really odd memories I can't make sense of, but their implication is so incredibly embarrassing I don't want to talk about it- with anyone, ever. And I just realized: all the years of "moderation" led me straight to where I was. I was making excuses about why it was okay, and rationalizing and justifying why I should still drink even though I knew it was going to end badly most of the time. At first I had a knee-jerk reaction I've had a million times before: "I'm never drinking again!!" But the more I thought about it the more I realized that might just be the best course of action I can take. I've quit drinking for periods of time before, "moderated" for years, but never actually given sobriety a real and honest try. What can it hurt for me to stay sober?

To be 100% honest with you, I still think I could probably drink in moderation. I also think that's probably a lie, but I hold onto the thought because it sounds so nice. The biggest reason I choose not to drink right now is because being sober doesn't cost me anything- spiritually, emotionally, physically. I don't black out, I don't act like an idiot, I don't have hangovers. I gave moderation an honest try and it didn't work so well. Now I'm giving sobriety an honest try, and so far so good.

jimmydean

The only way to get around it is to change how you think about alcohol. I have been trying to moderate for years. It doesn't work because in your mind you are trying to hang on to an old friend. You mind will mess with you, telling you its ok as long as... what ever the reason may be, for me if my kids were in bed and i needed to unwind it was all good, or if we were in a social situation. You need to associate alcohol to pain and realize it isn't your friend. I now recognize when i get the urge to cheat, it is my demons speaking to me, not a good friend. Easier for me to say no that way!

spqr

I realized I was addicted to alcohol and that the nature of addiction is to always want more and more. In the long run complete abstention is easier than moderation for me.

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

They say you should continue to experiment with the moderation thing until you convince yourself.

I'd had people suggest to me on numerous occasions that I was an alcoholic, but they never convinced me, that was something I had to do myself.

Good luck.

Dean62

I was unable to convince myself when I was at the stage you are describing. It took a few more decades of drinking to finally believe I have no control over alcohol anymore once I pick up the first drink.

Eventually I started drinking one night a week on the weeknights in addition to weekends. Then I started to feel the first tinge of withdrawal. At that point I needed a drink to "take the edge off". Maintenance drinking some call it.

And it continued to get worse and worse......and worse. Always worse never better.

Some of us are willing to go through much more then others before we stop. Is not being able to remember 75% of your weekends enough for you to stop? Do you have any other negatives as a result of your drinking?

Best wishes, hope you find your answers.

Crow3000

For me, moderation was quite simply a pain in the a$$ and the only thing worse than drinking in moderation was drinking .... and drinking ... and drinking. This problem becomes a whole lot more manageable and simple when you draw the lie at 0.

CHUCKD

Now I'm only 11 days into my sobriety, but prior to that I was 4 months clean and by that time I had convinced myself "moderation" would work for me. I consider myself to be strong of spirit and despite that; I found that alcohol completey robbed me of my prior intentions and I drank until I passed out on my very first day of trying "moderation". That was 11 days ago and I've made the decision that alcohol isn't an option for me anymore. I think you have to really want to be sober, to be ready to give up alcohol at whatever cost and remember that you have to TAKE sobriety, it isn't handed to you.

It wasn't hard for me to convince myself to stop, though. I started having withdrawal anxiety for a week after just 1 day of heavy drinking, nature is helping me out with my decision. I wrote myself a letter within 48 hours of my last drink so that I can remember just how miserable I felt, and I plan to read it over if I ever decide drinking in "moderation" is a possibility again. I keep it in my wallet; I think it'll work for me.

reggiewayne

It's tough to do. For me, I couldn't think my way into it. When I came to AA this time I was desperate. I've been told if you want to see how serious people are don't watch their mouth, watch their feet. I went to a ton of meetings and really hung tight to the program. I intelectually knew that I was drinking too much. I also knew that each attempt to quit was often brushed off the very next day saying "it's not that bad, I'm young, I'll quit when I really have to, the game's on, I'm playing golf - and on and on and on"....

I firmly believe that none of us alkies quit until we're desperate. For me, desperate didn't mean going to jail, losing my family, losing my job, etc... Desperation for me meant losing myself which is much worse than losing the above mentioned stuff.

I wanted to want to quit so many times. I now want desperately to quit and stay quit and I've got over 4 months. I don't do it alone. One thing I do is when I have a craving I view it as proof that I really am an alcoholic. People without this problem would not still be thinking of something they haven't done for 131 days. By me thinking of drinking today, it's just further proof that I am the real alcoholic.

For me alcohol was my answer for life. Good day, bad day, average day etc... didn't matter. I drank no matter what. Without it I felt terribly alone.

Today it's just not like that. There are days when I still think about drinking. I will say that when I think of it now, I don't lie to myself like I did early on. Once I accept at my core that I am alcoholic; it's simply not OK for me to drink anymore.

I passed moderation years ago, I just never wanted to admit it. It's that lie that could ultimately kill me. Not today!

Best of luck to you - hope this helps...

SSIL75

I'm in the PITA column, too. Sometimes with heroic effort I could moderate (I was for the most part not a blackout drunk although I drank a LOT.. just mostly slowly). But for me having 2 or 3 drinks consumed my whole evening.

I'll just have 2
Is that a normal size glass? I could pour a bit more, no?
OK that was one, good normal sized glass.
And another.

That was normal. Normal people drink like that, right? I feel good! I can do this! 2 drinks now and then another 2 tomorrow. Or could I have 3 now and one tomorrow instead? 2 per night is 14 per week. But I'm 180lbs. That's like a man size, right? So maybe I could have the man allowance which is 21 per week! 21 per week is 3 per night. Or... maybe like 5 one night and then that leaves 16 to split the rest of the week.

Now it's only 8pm and I've already had 2. People have nightcaps, right? Like a baileys in coffee? I could have that? A small one maybe a half. If I metabolize a drink per hour then having 4 drinks in 4 hours is OK, right?

I mean seriously I am boring myself just typing it out. Imagine that times 20. That would be the internal dialog at night. Then waking up in the morning so please with myself for only having 3 and then that night would be some form of special occasion where I'd justify having 4.

It was EXHAUSTING. Mentally exhausting.

A giant pain in the ass.

keithj

So, I can use the experience of people who have recovered from alcoholism. Or, I can use my own experience.

Early on in the game, I could both control and enjoy my drinking. After things started going downhill (alcoholism progressed for me), this became more and more rare. But every once in a great while, under the right pressure, I could have a couple of drinks and be done for the night.

But did I enjoy it? Most certainly not. It left me irritated, obsessively craving more. Still, I hung on to those handful of times where I demonstrated control. I blocked out of my mind the 99% of the other times when I intended to have a couple, and ended up in a jail cell or behind the wheel of a crashed car, or in a fight with my wife, or in a panic because the liquor store was closed, or weeping in self-pity and remorse, etc.

I tended to forget those 100 other times when I did not successfully moderate, and clung to the one where I did. Pretty close to the experience shared by others who had been there themselves.

aasharon90

Let's see....I went to a club in Feb 1990 to unwhine
from a day of kids and mom work. Drove home at
2am and was less than a mile away from my home
when I hit a 2ft notch cut out in the road in some
road construction. I flew off the road hitting a concret
culvert sitting on top the ground. EMS was called by
a passer byer and was cut out of the wreckage then
taken to the hospital where I stayed for 10 days with
them removing my punctured spleen so I wouldnt
bleed to death. I had numerous broken ribs, bones,
contusions and was a complete mess.

To this day I havent a clue as to why I ran off the
road. Did I black out or what? Blood alcohol was
over the limit so I know i was drunk. Was I nervous
for being late? I sure was. I shouldnt have been out
in the first place. sheesh...

Well, i healed up pretty well in several month vowing
i had enough alcohol to last a life time. Do you know
that come August 1990 I was right back right where
I was at the same bar coming home the same way to
the same arguement with my husband.

August 10, 1990 i decided to end my life with some left
over pain pills and alcohol. Thank God it didnt work, because
I wouldnt be here to share my experiences, strengths and
hopes of what it was like before during and after alcohol.

August 11,1990 family stepped in with an intervention
where i was driven away in the back of a police car like
a common criminal off to rehab where I spent the 1st
night in the crazy ward.

Sure I tried to moderate my drinking a many a many times
to only come back with vengence.

Im grateful I dont have to moderate my drinking anymore.

Hevyn

It took 3 DUI's & staying drunk 24/7 for months to prove to me there was no way out but to stop all together. All my 'moderating' had come down to this - I was in a living hell & couldn't stop without shaking. I had a drink by my side at all times (even during the night). I couldn't make a move without it - I was a complete slave. I wanted to be free - and after decades of insane behavior I finally got that I couldn't touch the stuff.

I hope you never reach that point - glad you are here, asking questions.

Zube

I tried to drink only 2 beers, and that turned into 15.
Then, I went to AA.

Zube

LaFemme

I had to completely change the way I viewed alcohol not just for myself but in general. It really wasn't that hard to do to see it as a poison. Today the smell of it makes me sick and I do not envy people who still drink.

I did this in Part through reading allan carrs book "the easy way to quit drinking" and through my own practice.

Had I not done the work to fix myself as well none of that would have stopped me permanently.

Welcome to SR!