KTBSober

Hello, All. I feel like I already know many of you, since I've been lurking on and off in the forums for the past couple of years. That's when I got my DUI -- the only encounter I've ever had with law-enforcement -- and started to wonder for the first time whether I have a drinking problem.

Looking back, I see that the problem started long, long before that. Maybe even as early as my first drink. I've never been able to drink in moderation, but I'd been "functional" in that my binges used to be few and far between. Over the past 6 years, though, they've gone from once a month or so to a reliable every-other night. (I'd probably have been drinking on the off nights, too, but usually was too wiped out from the previous night's binge to stay awake for more than an hour or so after dinner.)

Anyway, I've quit drinking in the past for various external reasons: while pregnant with or breast-feeding my kids; after my DUI when it was against my probation; whenever visiting extended family (all tee-totalers); or because I'd started a diet that forbid alcohol (though after a while I usually tried doing both, then wound up ditching the diet in favor of the drink).

This time, I'm quitting for me, and for no other reason. I want to be healthy. I don't want to feel ashamed anymore. I want my self-respect back, and I want to feel worthy of others' respect, too. I want a life that's not built around finishing chores and dinner by X o'clock so I can get on with my drinking. I want mornings that don't start with my stomach lurching followed by that horrible sinking feeling as memories of the previous night's behavior start filtering through my hangover haze. I want to know that I'm being the best person I can possibly be, living up to whatever potential I have, and showing to those around me that I love so much about them -- and myself -- that I'm no longer "checking out" at night by having one drink after another.

No, I'm not going to AA, for a variety of reasons. I have ordered the "Women for Sobriety" beginner's pack, as well as a copy of "Under the Influence". (Bought "Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul" for those times I need a dose of feel-good, too.) And, of course, I plan to be here. A lot. Only this time I'm not merely lurking.

Here's one thing, though, that I should probably admit up front: I'm not telling my family that I've stopped drinking. I've told them so many times before that I wanted to, only to start back again. (My husband, who was never an alcoholic, quit drinking over 2 years ago... no doubt to compensate for how much time I was spending drunk.) But I have poured out all of the booze in the house, and I've told myself that's it: no more buying it, no more drinking it, no more asking others to buy it for me. No. More. Drinking. Period.

It's scary, and I have no idea what I'm going to do to have fun now. (So many suggestions sound silly, dull or trite.) But maybe, with enough sober days and nights under my belt, I'll get to that point where sobriety itself is more fun than anything else.

I sure as hell hope so.

LaFemme

Hi KTB and welcome to SR!

Glad you have made the decision to get well. I haven't told anyone either (9 months sober) because I did not want to have people tell me it would be ok as long as I moderated or something.

Also, I think it's great you are going to be active in our community. Since you are into reading, I am going to suggest Allen Carr "The Easy Way to Quit Drinking" which helped me a lot!!!

SSIL75

Welcome! I can relate so much to you. I just got so tired of living that way and feel so thankful that I realized that sober life would be so much more enjoyable.

I have a lot MORE fun now. When I was drinking I was very limited in what I could enjoy. Basically I couldn't enjoy anything without alcohol. Now I feel like I can live with the rest of the world.

I am not in AA either and was part of WFS (online) for a while. I also got great help from rational recovery.

I didn't make a huge deal to anyone about quitting this time. Recovery for me has been very private and quiet. Almost 8 months now. The best 8 months of my adult life.

Keep posting! No matter what you're thinking or feeling I can almost guarantee one or many of us has been there!

doggonecarl

Welcome, SR is a great asset to recovery.

I'll spare you the silly, trite, and dull suggestions for fun. Instead, I will tell you the road to recovery is difficult enough without carrying around the illusion that you need to drink to have fun. You might think its fun, but ultimately, folks don't come to a recovery forum cause they are having fun getting drunk. Not really. Your own circumstances speak to that.

You might find yourself bored too. Again, I'll spare you the "boring" replacements to drinking and just suggest this:


In a month, like you said yourself, your idea about sobriety will hopefully change. Good luck.

KTBSober

LaFemme, thank you for the book recommendation. I do enjoy reading quite a bit, and now I'll have a lot more time on my hands to do it! (Might even remember a few things now and then, too.)

SSIL75, I'm in that boat, too: wondering how to enjoy anything without alcohol. It's going to be hard, I'm certain, and it's scary as hell. But it's time. I'm just tired of making up excuses to myself and others for stupid things I've said or done.

Doggonecarl, Oh, the "fun" of drinking disappeared a long time ago... it just took me an extra couple of years to realize that. And you're right: as long as I'm busy not drinking, I'm keeping busy enough!

Thank you for making me feel welcome, everyone!

SSIL75

I would suggest that you keep trying new things. I have said here before that I thought of myself as an alien in a strange land. I would just go do something that normal people seem to find fun that I had written off as lame. You might be surprised (as I was) by what you enjoy when you have the right attitude!

I had tried sober things in pregnancy before but not with the right attitude. I would just be somewhere and think "this would be a lot less lame if I had a glass or 10 of wine". But this time I looked around and saw that nobody else really drinks all that much and they seemed to be having a fine time.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I didn't tell my family either when I stopped drinking. I had let them down so many times, I decided to just do it and let them see the changes. And, that worked for me. I'm not an AA person, but I do feel that SR is a lifeline.

I have found that books have guided me through stopping drinking and my recovery. It sounds like you have a good collection. I have found that "A Good Earth" by Eckhart Tolle is a great guide for how to live in the moment, how to forgive yourself and others, and how to find peace in your life.

KTBSober

SSIL75, Great advice on trying new things. While I wait for my book orders, I think I'll start making some lists of things I'd like to try in the next few days, weeks, months... years. There are so many things I always wanted to do but, of course, I'd not tried them because they might interfere with my drinking time or, more often, because I was too busy feeling like crud from the last bout to get off of the sofa. What a big world there is to explore now!

Anna, Now that's freaky: I'd first heard of Eckhart Tolle a few days ago but couldn't remember how his name was spelled. (Let's face it, it's an odd one.) Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'll see if it's available for Kindle download right now! Btw, I'm a John Denver fan, too.

Anna

You can also find lots of his lectures on Youtube. He's amazing!

KTBSober

Also, thank you to all who've said they didn't tell their families about their decision to quit, either. I know they'll notice eventually, and I'll be happy to tell them at that point. But right now I need to concentrate more on not drinking than on worrying about their reactions/doubts, if that makes sense.

EmeraldRose

Welcome KTB.
Although I lost my job because I went on a dumb binge I did voluntarily enter rehab because I had had enough. Like you, I was just tired of being tired and hazy...half present in life, always thinking about drinking...it's a way of life.
After 30 years, I'm done. 70+ days now and you'd be surprised how much free time you have and you WILL find things to fill those gaps. I don't seem to have enough hours somedays. Other days I sit and wonder what to do. But I take those times and reflect, think, take it easy, balance my mind and soul.
I don't go sky diving, or kayaking over the Niagara but I've started drawing again, I love walking my dogs, playing on the puter. I even found a new love for the simple things like folding laundry.
You'll be fine. The important thing is to stay busy early on even if its trivial meaningless tasks like plucking your eyebrows or organizing forks on the drawer. It's still taking up time. Good luck and glad you're here.

KTBSober

Have you ever had that irrational fear that people can actually SEE you through your computer?

Off to pluck my eyebrows now. Thanks, EmeraldRose!