Life on Life's terms...sober
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 456
Life on Life's terms...sober
Hi all,
Thanks you for allowing me this forum to get out what's bugging me and things that confuse me. I've read some great advice and support on this forum.
Anyway, I'm at the tail end of day 55. Was a "hopeless drunk." Drinking everyday, mass amounts. Drinking more and more and earlier and earlier, found myself in the hospital with a blood clot and was there fore almost a week, still couldn't quit alcohol and started drinking the second day home...finally got arrested for DUI and finally admitted that I was at a bottem where I needed to quit digging. I'm a 40 yo husband, married, 3 kids (somehow, I still have them). My job was in jeapardy, my life was in jeapardy, I even had my life insurance set up so that my young kids would have college paid for in my absence since I thought I would be dead by June. I was truly ill to the point of insanity. I was the only one who couldn't see it - until I got arrested.
I got myself (with much help from my wife and our doctor) into a really good inpatient facility and insurance paid for 11 days. I've been active in AA (although a bit complacent the past two weeks while trying to be better with my family).
Anyway, I got word today that a good friend, colleague, and mentor passed away Saturday night from a massive heart attack. In the midst of trying to come to terms with this, my wife decided to go into a depression war and finally managed to get me feeling as crappy as she did. I admitted that most of our problems were my fault again, the only thing I could do here and now was NOT Do something (drink).
I made it through the night without drinking, however I have to admit that I would have loved to have taken off to the bar at one point to get away from her P.L.O.M. party to let her sort it out because it seemed like she was hell bent on making me feel as bad as she did - and I think she succeeded. I even told her she should go out and get a drink to get out of the funk. I just wanted some time to think about my recently departed friend.
After 20 years of heavy drinking, it was always my escape from these escapades. I don't feel strong enough in my sobriety to take these things with my wife head on and counter becuase I still feel a lot of guilt and shame for the chaos I've caused my family over the years.
By me quitting drinking, have I just taken the bullets out of the gun for her anger? I think at times she would be happier if I were still drinking because at least she'd have a bullseye for blame.
I'd like to do some marriage counciling but with my attorney fees and legal stuff money is just way too tight at the moment. I know drinking again won't help any of this and I haven't even seriously considered it. I have some really tough days at work and sobriety and I see bars everywhere I could stop in to if I so desired on the way home. I try not to bring my tension and stress home with me (1+ hour commute in stop-go traffic).
I'm looking to hear experiences others have had similar to this and some tips that can work. She's a pretty stubborn woman so they need to be things I can think and do myself. I used to think I was unique, but thanks to AA and SR I know I'm not alone.
Thanks,
SPG
Thanks you for allowing me this forum to get out what's bugging me and things that confuse me. I've read some great advice and support on this forum.
Anyway, I'm at the tail end of day 55. Was a "hopeless drunk." Drinking everyday, mass amounts. Drinking more and more and earlier and earlier, found myself in the hospital with a blood clot and was there fore almost a week, still couldn't quit alcohol and started drinking the second day home...finally got arrested for DUI and finally admitted that I was at a bottem where I needed to quit digging. I'm a 40 yo husband, married, 3 kids (somehow, I still have them). My job was in jeapardy, my life was in jeapardy, I even had my life insurance set up so that my young kids would have college paid for in my absence since I thought I would be dead by June. I was truly ill to the point of insanity. I was the only one who couldn't see it - until I got arrested.
I got myself (with much help from my wife and our doctor) into a really good inpatient facility and insurance paid for 11 days. I've been active in AA (although a bit complacent the past two weeks while trying to be better with my family).
Anyway, I got word today that a good friend, colleague, and mentor passed away Saturday night from a massive heart attack. In the midst of trying to come to terms with this, my wife decided to go into a depression war and finally managed to get me feeling as crappy as she did. I admitted that most of our problems were my fault again, the only thing I could do here and now was NOT Do something (drink).
I made it through the night without drinking, however I have to admit that I would have loved to have taken off to the bar at one point to get away from her P.L.O.M. party to let her sort it out because it seemed like she was hell bent on making me feel as bad as she did - and I think she succeeded. I even told her she should go out and get a drink to get out of the funk. I just wanted some time to think about my recently departed friend.
After 20 years of heavy drinking, it was always my escape from these escapades. I don't feel strong enough in my sobriety to take these things with my wife head on and counter becuase I still feel a lot of guilt and shame for the chaos I've caused my family over the years.
By me quitting drinking, have I just taken the bullets out of the gun for her anger? I think at times she would be happier if I were still drinking because at least she'd have a bullseye for blame.
I'd like to do some marriage counciling but with my attorney fees and legal stuff money is just way too tight at the moment. I know drinking again won't help any of this and I haven't even seriously considered it. I have some really tough days at work and sobriety and I see bars everywhere I could stop in to if I so desired on the way home. I try not to bring my tension and stress home with me (1+ hour commute in stop-go traffic).
I'm looking to hear experiences others have had similar to this and some tips that can work. She's a pretty stubborn woman so they need to be things I can think and do myself. I used to think I was unique, but thanks to AA and SR I know I'm not alone.
Thanks,
SPG
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
I'm sorry for your loss SPG.
I think our sobering up is just as rough and just as much a rollercoaster ride for our partners as it is for us.
I don't know you or your wife, but sometimes in recovery it takes a while for both parties to work out who each other is now...I'd give that a little time, maybe
Let your wife do what ever she needs to do to adjust to this new way of being...and try and cut her the slack you'd want for yourself....
and you do whatever you need to do to work on your recovery....maybe it's time to start hitting meetings again?
D
I think our sobering up is just as rough and just as much a rollercoaster ride for our partners as it is for us.
I don't know you or your wife, but sometimes in recovery it takes a while for both parties to work out who each other is now...I'd give that a little time, maybe
Let your wife do what ever she needs to do to adjust to this new way of being...and try and cut her the slack you'd want for yourself....
and you do whatever you need to do to work on your recovery....maybe it's time to start hitting meetings again?
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
spg
aunt dee had a great suggestion
as you mentioned you've been meeting slacking,
up the meetings and the conection.
remember, powerless comes in many forms.
did you ever hear that old line
"they'll get us drunk, before we get them sober"
and that just doesn't mean booze
good wishes spg
aunt dee had a great suggestion
as you mentioned you've been meeting slacking,
up the meetings and the conection.
remember, powerless comes in many forms.
did you ever hear that old line
"they'll get us drunk, before we get them sober"
and that just doesn't mean booze
good wishes spg
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 456
Appreciate the words. I'm having another crappy day at work...getting passive aggressive remarks every which way (at least that's how I'm taking them). I'm going to hit a meeting on my way home tonight. I had been slacking on meetings during the week because home life had been getting quite enjoyable.
What's really sad is that her talks of powerlessness and depression last night were many of the things we talk about overcoming in AA and treatment. If I go to an AA meeting tonight then I can't be there for her to focus on - at least negatively.
We read the Big Book yesterday - "The Family After." She's trying to say that she was "this way" (neurotic) before we even met (married 10 years now).
My councilor while I was in in-patient recommended that she read "Co-Dependent No More." She absolutely hates it...says it makes her out to be an idiot, invalidates the way she has lived her life. Now she says she's giving up... no more cooking, cleaing, taking care of others because the book
Now that I'm looking at this... should I post this in another topic??? I'm not very savvy yet with the forum when it comes to posting. There is so much more I would like to say but think it's just as much about the family as much as the individual in recovery.
Thanks,
SPG
What's really sad is that her talks of powerlessness and depression last night were many of the things we talk about overcoming in AA and treatment. If I go to an AA meeting tonight then I can't be there for her to focus on - at least negatively.
We read the Big Book yesterday - "The Family After." She's trying to say that she was "this way" (neurotic) before we even met (married 10 years now).
My councilor while I was in in-patient recommended that she read "Co-Dependent No More." She absolutely hates it...says it makes her out to be an idiot, invalidates the way she has lived her life. Now she says she's giving up... no more cooking, cleaing, taking care of others because the book
Now that I'm looking at this... should I post this in another topic??? I'm not very savvy yet with the forum when it comes to posting. There is so much more I would like to say but think it's just as much about the family as much as the individual in recovery.
Thanks,
SPG
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
This is a fine place to post - this forum is for all newcomers, and some not-so-new.
I'm sorry that you're going through this situation and I know it's difficult. It really does seem like marriage counselling would be helpful for you. And, yeah, it's expensive, but so is divorce. I hope you and your wife can work things out one way or another.
For you, I hope that you continue to focus on your recovery.
By the way, we do have a forum for Friends and Families of Alcoholics on this board.
I'm sorry that you're going through this situation and I know it's difficult. It really does seem like marriage counselling would be helpful for you. And, yeah, it's expensive, but so is divorce. I hope you and your wife can work things out one way or another.
For you, I hope that you continue to focus on your recovery.
By the way, we do have a forum for Friends and Families of Alcoholics on this board.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 456
Thanks, Anna.
Above all else, I don't want to make this thread a PLOM. I'm dealing with my friend's passing as it's own issue and in a healthy way.
Where "we" seem to be stuck is that I've found recovery to be very "selfish." Similar to the way my alcoholism was. However, it's the only selfish act I can think of that has the potential to make the lives around me better. I'm working very hard at it and have to take it with a very singular state of mind sometimes just to get through the day. It's all I can do sometimes not to blow up at her in a rage telling her to get her head out of her a** and get help (but I know better than to do that).
That being said...
My wife has a complete aversion to any and all means of help - self help, counselling, etc. She won't attend ALANON because she somehow "knows all about that and doesn't want to be one of 'them crying and feeling all sorry for myself'." She read Co-dependent no more and said it just said she was stupid and lived a bad life hurting others when she thought (I know better than that, I've read it before too).
Her thinking and talking of complete unhappiness, helplessness and despair sounds very much like I felt like myself when I was drinking. My sobriety still feels fragile and I really know only how to talk to other recovering drunks and about "this too shall pass," etc. I know she's trying to look outside of herself for something to make her feel better or happy, just like I did. I believe many of the steps from AA can help her face her "demons" and get into a healthier and more responsive way of life. I just know that I can't continuously come home to the same thing every night and expect to stay sober.
I think ALANON could really help...can anyone speak from the drunk side of the house what it really is and how it helped their SO's?
Sorry for the ramble..SPG
56 Days
Above all else, I don't want to make this thread a PLOM. I'm dealing with my friend's passing as it's own issue and in a healthy way.
Where "we" seem to be stuck is that I've found recovery to be very "selfish." Similar to the way my alcoholism was. However, it's the only selfish act I can think of that has the potential to make the lives around me better. I'm working very hard at it and have to take it with a very singular state of mind sometimes just to get through the day. It's all I can do sometimes not to blow up at her in a rage telling her to get her head out of her a** and get help (but I know better than to do that).
That being said...
My wife has a complete aversion to any and all means of help - self help, counselling, etc. She won't attend ALANON because she somehow "knows all about that and doesn't want to be one of 'them crying and feeling all sorry for myself'." She read Co-dependent no more and said it just said she was stupid and lived a bad life hurting others when she thought (I know better than that, I've read it before too).
Her thinking and talking of complete unhappiness, helplessness and despair sounds very much like I felt like myself when I was drinking. My sobriety still feels fragile and I really know only how to talk to other recovering drunks and about "this too shall pass," etc. I know she's trying to look outside of herself for something to make her feel better or happy, just like I did. I believe many of the steps from AA can help her face her "demons" and get into a healthier and more responsive way of life. I just know that I can't continuously come home to the same thing every night and expect to stay sober.
I think ALANON could really help...can anyone speak from the drunk side of the house what it really is and how it helped their SO's?
Sorry for the ramble..SPG
56 Days
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 456
WOW! I went to a meeting after work today, talked to my sponsor for a little bit and he turned it all around on me!
I'd like to say I've never doubted AA but sometimes I overlook how it works. People helping people.
My conversation with my wife upon returning home started much the same as it ended yesterday, but came to a resolvable conclusion of action items and realistic expectations. It would be easy for me to say that "she finally gets it." In reality, the only one who changed their thought process was me.
The topic tonight was "gratitude." I was feeling anything BUT gratitude when I got there, I left feeling full of it.
Thank you friends here.
I'd like to say I've never doubted AA but sometimes I overlook how it works. People helping people.
My conversation with my wife upon returning home started much the same as it ended yesterday, but came to a resolvable conclusion of action items and realistic expectations. It would be easy for me to say that "she finally gets it." In reality, the only one who changed their thought process was me.
The topic tonight was "gratitude." I was feeling anything BUT gratitude when I got there, I left feeling full of it.
Thank you friends here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
My wife is a member.... Of ala-NOT-on your life!! So I can't help you there. I used to worry a lot about my wife in early recovery... So have many who have posted here... It's really up to her, whether she does or not...
You worry about you!! Congrats on the sober time, it is tough at first. Welcome to SR!!
You worry about you!! Congrats on the sober time, it is tough at first. Welcome to SR!!
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